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Short Imagined Monologues
The Little Bunny from Goodnight Moon Accepts an Award
“First of all, I must thank the comb. And the brush! And my God, the bowl full of mush! My warriors. My champions. This award will be next to you on the bedside table VERY soon.” -
I Brought Your Child an Oversized Lollipop Because I Hate You
“You’re very excited, I can tell. How could you not be, given how big and colorful it is and how unfathomably sticky it will soon make every square inch of your house.” -
Short Imagined Monologues
To Keep Americans Safe, the Press Must Only Publish Hot Photos of Me
“The world is a dangerous place right now—with strikes on suspected ‘drug boats’ in the Caribbean, the threat of unilateral military action in Latin America, and a poorly defined war in Iran that I started. That is exactly why it’s critical that I look jacked as shit in the media.” -
Lists
Party Games for
Fifty-SomethingsBlazer Tag
One player puts on a sports jacket while the others guess the care instructions and fiber content written on the tag. The player with the most correct guesses must then sit in the center of the room and tell a story about a time they knew more interesting things. -
A Couple Tries to Get a Mortgage Approval in an Equal Parts Plausible, Dystopian, and Not-So-Distant Future
“Your second option is a 30-year rate of 7.5 percent. To get that, however, you have to agree to let us turn one of your bedrooms into a short-term rental property and also turn half of your backyard into a mixed-use crypto-mining / AI Computation node.”
Trending
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March 3, 2026Does Your Country Need Regime Change? A Quiz
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February 24, 2026Being a Luddite Is Cool and All, but Have You Seen the Hilarious Tapestries These New Looms Are Making?
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March 2, 2026Congratulations to Me, a Kamala Harris Voter, Who Got Exactly What I Voted For
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March 5, 2026A.I. Checks in After Bombing Iran to See If You Still Think Its Bubble Is Bursting
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February 26, 2026You Think New York is Bad? Try Living in Roku City
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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March 13, 2026Excerpts from The Believer: No One Gave It to You
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March 11, 2026The Woodland Dystopian Writers Guild
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March 6, 2026Excerpts from The Believer: Ask Carrie: Winter 2025
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March 6, 2026The Story of Art + Water
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February 27, 2026Excerpts from The Believer: Sports Books I Have Read or Written
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February 26, 2026Open-Hearted in Minneapolis
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February 25, 2026McSweeney’s Books: McSweeney’s and Broadway Video Present: Documentary Now! (Fourth Edition, Revised and Expanded)
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Recent Posts
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March 11, 2026Despite This Terrible War, We Must Never Lose Sight of the Value of Each and Every Precious Shipping Container
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March 11, 2026Next Season on David Ellison’s The Pitt
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March 10, 2026A Message from Your University President on the Recent Hippopotamus Attacks
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March 10, 2026Introducing: Free Time
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March 9, 2026Iran Has Been an Imminent Threat to the U.S. for Forty-Seven Years
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