Teen Drivers

Ayden scratched the van pretty good last week. While backing out, he scraped up against the well. It was his first "accident". Luckily, Brent and I were there to calm him down and use the opportunity as a teaching moment. Luckily no one was injured and the van is paid off.

When we bought the van, we kind of planned that it would be the vehicle Olivia and Allen would learn to drive in and would inevitably get all sorts of battle scars. 

Raising Humans

Ayden punched a hole in is door today. He gets angry at something and lets it build until he explodes. This time it was the fact that he was behind in a few classes and has been lying about the fact that he's had homework. He beats himself up so much. Brent and I get frustrated with his behavior. I feel lost sometimes when it comes to finding a solution. There needs to be consequences but also conversations about behavior awareness. Tonight we tried to help him understand the importance of coming to us for help before he explodes. I'm not sure it'll be that easy. 

I worry about his relationships with others when he becomes an adult. Will a girlfriend or wife put up with his explosive anger? Will his roommates be okay with him punching holes in the apartment walls? I don't think so and that worries me so much! How can I help him manage his anger in a healthy way?!

Are Brent and I responding the right way when he behaves like this? I don't know! 

A Beautiful Blooming

This has been the hardest part of me to try and communicate to others. There are so many reasons I've tried to live in a body that truly didn't feel like my own.

1) I didn't want to let my friends and family members down. I understand, without realizing, we all have expectations of one another. I've let the expectations other have of ME stifle my growth.

2) I truly value my relationships with my friends and family members and it would break my heart to learn that they no longer accept me because I've chosen a new path for my life.

3) I'm scared, sensitive and very vulnerable. As much as I hate to say it, what other people think of me, really worries me. I catch myself trying to live my life soley to live up to what I feel other's expecations are of me. I have lost so many years of exploring who I am because I've been so worried about being the person everyone else needs me to be.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The portion above was created a few weeks ago. Since then, I've done a lot of research and study about Secular Buddhism and discovered the most beautiful way to interpret this specific fear and how to go about solving the "problem" I feel I have.

I've been seeing this situation in black and white. Like "What will my life be like after coming out of the religious closet?" The above portion was more of a plea to my former life and loved ones to accept the new me. "See me the same, treat me the same. Love me the same." It's been all about outward emotions, actions, changes, attitudes, etc..

As I've been really studying Secular Buddhism or really just Buddhism in general, I've learned that my approach to this situation was actually causing me more fear and angst than necessary. Here's the beautiful insight I realized today.

• As I continue to learn and apply new teachings in my life, I'll start to be at peace with the awakened, new me. As I reflect inward, I'll learn more about the world around me and how to see it WITHOUT a filter. It will be more clear.

• As I make these changes inwardly, the outside me, will transform. This transformation is ALL I need to present to my former life and loved ones. I don't need to explain myself. I don't need to plead for others to love, treat, see the new me the same as the old me. That no longer matters.

• Imagine a flower blooming. It doesn't try to explain its process to those looking at it. It just turns its focus inward, using the elements around in order to grow. Through the slow process, we're able to watch a beautiful blooming. We don't question its process, we just understand it did what was necessary in order to bloom into a bright, lively flower. 

To Be a Mother

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

In honor of this special day, I decided to share the essay I wrote about motherhood. I wrote this for my English class last semester. 

To Be a Mother

It’s Monday and I have a full week ahead of me. I have laundry to fold, dishes to wash, a floor to sweep and beds to make. So many thoughts go through my head and I've just barely woken up. I quickly get out of bed and start getting ready for the day. Realizing I don’t have enough time to find socks that match, I grab whatever I can find; warm feet are better than matching feet, right?  My “to-do” list feels never ending and I rarely slow down to relax. Most days, my life feels like a juggling act. Most days, I rarely get a good look at myself in the mirror before I’m out and about running errands. Most days, I forget that I also have teeth and need to schedule myself a dentist appointment. Most days are dedicated to endless episodes of Team Umizoomi, Goldfish crackers, changing diapers, helping with homework, cleaning, tantrums, tears, kisses and giggles. Why? Because I am a mother.

As I look around my house, I see fingerprint smudges on the windows, crumbs covering my kitchen floor and toys strewn around as if a tornado had just blown through my home. How did I get here? Who was I becoming?  I remember in high school when I came to the firm decision that I did not want children. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to get married but that wasn't a decision I cared to make at the time. I wanted a life of freedom to come and go as I pleased. I wanted a career and a social life. I wanted a life that was mine, not one dedicated to someone else. I didn't want to grow up to become the maid, chauffeur, cook, nurse, referee, and counselor. That just wasn't for me.

Thankfully, time has a way of changing your mind. I did, eventually, get married and have children. The life I have now is nothing compared to the life I dreamed of in my youth, it is better. I am the maid, chauffeur, cook, nurse, referee, and counselor to three amazing children and I love it. With my children in my arms, my heart is full.

I remember the wave of emotions I felt when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. My thoughts were just as unstable as my emotions, “I can’t do this! I don’t want kids. I’m not fit to be a mother…...oh, I hope it’s a boy….I wonder how big my belly will get….oh man, giving birth sounds painful! Why does salsa sound so good all of a sudden?”  No matter what I thought or how I felt,  I was going to be a mother; nothing else mattered. As time went on, I watched in horror and amazement as my belly grew bigger. My mind went from worried and overwhelmed to determined and focused. I had read all the pregnancy books, baby proofed the apartment and filled the newly decorated nursery with everything I thought we would need. The only thing to do now was wait for that incredible moment that would change my life. A week before expected, that moment came or rather, he came. On a late, cold evening in the Spring, I met my first child, my first son. My whole world lay swaddled in a blue blanket in my arms. My heart had never felt so much joy. Up until that very moment, it was as if my whole existence was just time wasted until I could grow up and become a mother.

That was almost 10 years ago. I have welcomed another daughter and son into this world since then. Becoming a mother changes your perspective, I suppose.  Now days, all my goals are happily set around my children. My successes and failures as a person are related to what I’m doing as a mother. To be a mother means to relish in the small victories. I feel success when I make cauliflower look like mashed potatoes and trick my kids into eating healthier. I feel success when I hear my children say “please” and “thank you”. I feel success when they can make it the whole night sleeping in their own beds. I feel success when they come to me looking for comfort, love and support. I feel success when they learn they are capable, smart and strong. In a small way, their victories are my victories. In the end, I think that’s why all I’ll ever want is just to be a mother.

Peace at church

A few weeks ago on a Sunday morning, I had a cub scout committee meeting. I woke up early, got dressed then started making the kids breakfast. As they started eating, I decided to lay down for one minute. Well that one minute turned into 1 hour. I woke up and realized I was super late for my meeting. As I quickly ran for the door, Brent mentioned that I probably shouldn't go since it was almost over. 

I have anxiety issues and by this time, I could barely breathe and my chest felt so tight. When my anxiety gets to a certain intensity, my brain shuts off completely. I mean like,  completely off. I can't think, make decisions or even carry on a conversion. There I stood, one foot in the garage heading to the van and one foot in the house. I froze. I didn't know what to do. And I know this sounds ridiculous; making the decision to go to a meeting late or stay home shouldn't be this hard. A normal person wouldn't feel their body going into fight or flight mode but this is something I deal with. 

As I stood there I felt the faintest "push'' to just go to the meeting. So I did. I caught the last 15 minutes of the meeting. All the important things has already been discussed and planned. I should have felt dumb for being so late and even dumber for actually showing up. But I didn't. I was completely enveloped in the spirit. The Holy Ghost didn't nudge me toward going to the meeting so I'd be filled in on all the goings-on in scouts. He knew I needed to feel that peace. He also needed me to see how easily the Lord could take away my anxiety. It was such an amazing experience. I loved the feeling of being in the Lord's care and that there was nothing too small to go unnoticed by Him.

Later that day as I walked into the chapel for sacrament meeting, I felt that same peace all over again. There are few moments when my mind is clear and my heart is calm. I felt that as I sat in my beautiful chapel that day. 

John 14: 27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

I'm so grateful for the opportunity to go to church. It rejuvenates my spirit and I feel renewed.