I wrote in my last post about how I often feel the battle being waged between the thoughts coming from my depressed mind and those from my “normal” mind. One area, however, where I don’t really see that struggle is when it comes to how others view me. My depressed mind and my normal mind seem to be in agreement that I’m basically a disappointment to most people in my life. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this idea of disappointing people, and how it’s connected to depression and anxiety.
When I’m depressed, my world tends to shrink. My thoughts all seem to center around myself. I don’t feel like talking to or hanging out with other people. In the midst of my own misery, it’s easy for me to forget that other people might need things from me, too. In my own defense, wading through depression often uses up every bit of strength I have; I usually don’t have much left over to give to other people. But when my mood starts to improve, I suddenly have a desire to be with and do things for other people. I usually get a burst of energy and am able to follow through on plans and accomplish quite a bit. But then I slowly become more and more aware of other people’s expectations for me. It starts out as a small, nagging weight, but it gradually gets heavier and heavier. That’s when the anxiety takes over. I start to see all the ways I’m disappointing the people around me. It’s not long before the panic sets in. And pretty soon I get overwhelmed by the panic, and end up surrendering myself to the numbness that depression brings. I just don’t have the skills needed to maintain a good mood for any significant amount of time, without getting bogged down in everyone else’s expectations for me.
I know it’s disappointing to people when I don’t feel like hanging out, or I can’t organize my thoughts to carry on a decent conversation because I’m in the midst of depression. But, it’s even worse to think that I get people’s hopes up when my mood starts to improve, only to let them down again when the anxiety and panic topple me.
I really hate that by being sad or depressed all the time I feel like I’m disappointing everyone in my life. It’s why I hide away when I’m hurting the most, even though that’s really when I need people the most. Sometimes, I get so tired of just taking, taking, taking from other people and never being able to give anything back. I see every smile, kind word, and offer to help that other people give me and I treasure every single one of them. Sometimes, though, I think what I really need isn’t their help, it’s for me to be able to help them. To feel useful. To feel like I have something to offer. I think maybe if I could find ways to help other people during my darkest moments, it might make the light easier for me to bear, too.