Arts and Entertainment | Ooops, I Said Vagina... Again..

The World is Goin Nuts!!..

16 Mar 2016 Leave a comment

by Vagina in Do I need a Reason.., Nonsense Tags: Arts and Entertainment, Blog, Facebook, funny, Humor, Tasty

The Internet does it again!! We all know the Internet can be a scary place sometimes. It can also be a magical place full of puppies, pandas, and unicorn poop!

The truth is… it is part of our lives now. The Internet is here, and it is a part of how we do many of the things we do.

For instance…

If you have a medical question… There is WebMD! But be careful because if you type in your symptoms of having a hurt toe… it will probably tell you that you have cancer and you need your leg amputated!

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The days of Encyclopedias are gone! If you need information or to look up facts… You have Google! And everybody knows that Google knows everything!! Just Google it… and Google will tell you….

If you are feeling sad you can watch hours and hours of puppy videos or cat videos.

https://youtu.be/S7znI_Kpzbs

You can find bloggers, and vloggers, and read all kinds of articles and watch all kinds of videos.

Who is this awesome Blogger… RIGHT HERE!!!

And if you feel like socializing with folks… you have Facebook, and Twitter, and Instagram!

The fact is… this is how we interact now. We are plugged in. Kind of like the Matrix! A little foreshadowing going on there… 😉

I like to hang out on Facebook. I mean… let’s face it… It’s Zuckerberg’s world and we are all just living in it!! Amiiright??!!

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I am highly addicted to a Facebook page called Tasty! This place is almost as addicting as Netflix. They post videos of recipes being cooked and all you see are the hands making the food, and it is mesmerizing. Like I could literally sit for hours and watch video after video. It is highly addicting. They make it all look so easy. And you don’t even have to press play on these videos. Which let’s face it, who the hell wants to take time to press play. Being able to just scroll and it starts playing magically is amazing. Nobody has time to be pressing play on shit.

But then… you have the comment section. I know, I know… NEVER read the comments! You might think to yourself “Oh this is a recipe on how to make some cheesy enchilada dish… how bad can the comments be?”

BAD!!

So I watched this recipe here about Moroccan chicken. And I want to break down for you how a simple recipe for Moroccan chicken can turn into an all out drunken brawl. Thanks Internet!!

It all starts out pretty innocent enough. Everyone has an opinion, right? So they must come and write it in the comments so all the people can see how they feel about Moroccan chicken:

These are real comments: (I wrote them exactly as they are written in the comment section, So don’t blame me for the misspells… 😉 )

** – My thoughts…

Person 1 Comment – “Morrocan don’t eat harissa… Spread some cumin and let it cook with some chickpeas doesn’t mean it’s a moroccan like, and it goes the same way as well for the others meals… This is just a One-Pan Chicken to me”

**(Innocent enough I guess. This guy is not impressed with one of the spices so he must tell all the people! What even is Harissa though?? I have no idea)…

Person 2 Comment – “We eat it –‘”

**(okay… so apparently there is a person that eats it, and she wants you to know!!)

Person 3 Comment – “But we eat it”

**(Another commenter coming on to let us all know that they too in fact eat it!! We are still talking about Harissa right??… I still don’t know what that is…)

Person 4 Comment – “Don’t eat harrisa? It is a must in every meal. Coming from Moroccan. I don’t know where she come up with that”

**(So here comes person 4 to respond to person 1 about how Moroccans do not eat harissa!! You guys… what the fuck is Harissa???. anyone???)

Person 1 Comments again – “Well boy I ain’t a she. And if you’re used to eat harissa whereas you were raised in Morocco, it’s up to you that’s fine. But I bet you eat ketchup too. I mean the only moroccan touch in this meal is only the name and that’s all.”

**(What’s wrong with ketchup??… rude!!!!)

Person 4 Comments again – “who u r calling boy? A little cunt? U don’t know what are u talking about.”

**(Um… okay guys… what does this have to do with Moroccan chicken?)

Person 1 comments again – “you’re so full of shit with your tiny ballsack that I ain’t even gonna argue with ya on what’s up with the moroccan food. Get your shit together and don’t even try to step out to your miserable hole of “I have been raised in Morocco so I know what’s up”. What I’ve seen is an eyesore to all the moroccan community. But alright I’m glad you grew up with some Harissa out of your ass you fucking horsecrap.”

**(Did this guy just call someone horse crap?? And what does he mean “Harissa out of your ass?”.. Does Harissa come out of assess?? I’m not going to lie… this whole thread is starting to feel a bit like a Donald Trump rally!!)

Person 4 Comments again – “shut the fuck up fucking twat. Go squize on a fat dick, piese of shit , Jackass.”

**(We are definitely NOT talking about Moroccan chicken anymore folks!! “squize” on a fat dick??… WHAT???)

A new person arrives into the conversation – “So much butthurt over a bloody chicken dish. They call it “Moroccan” because it is probably easier than calling it Cumin, Harrissa, cherry tomato and chickpea Chicken.”

**(hmm… good points being made by the new arrival… How will they respond?)

Another new Commenter arrives – “So it’s not Moroccan give a shit! Will that stop you cooking it? If they called it spicy chicken would you cook it? It’s still nice douche!”

**(I don’t know… but spicy chicken and douche in the same sentence makes me feel all weird inside.)

Person 4 comes back for some more – ” So u are a fucking wannabe. Try to hard to fit in? GO FUCK YOUR MAMA”

**(Okay now… I just wanted some chicken!! Why you gotta bring momma into this?! Let’s keep the mothers out of this folks)..

Person 4 left a meme for person 1 –

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**(Really creative use of a meme by Person 4… I do love the use of a good meme in a fight…)

And then this guy joins in – “Shit went too far ! … Forget about it ! Realizin’ what a meal’s name can cause , the world is goin’ nuts I swear ! We eat it we don’t eat it , it’s not ours but it’s common in the country whatever it is, let’s make everyone happy ! Oh !”

**(I do agree the world is “goin nuts”… and yet I still laughed my ass off at this comment! “Shit went too far”… yes random commenter on a recipe video… shit did go too far”)

Well… that was fun! Thanks Internet… you always have the ability to lift my spirits… and yet Internet… you also have the ability to have me sitting in my closet in the fetal position rocking back and forth sucking on my thumb crying for my mommy!!

Blink… Blink… Blink…

Do you want to be PERFECT? Then do what I say!!

23 Jul 2015 3 Comments

by Vagina in Do I need a Reason.., Nonsense Tags: Arts and Entertainment, Humor, Life, perfection, satire, silly

Do you want to fit in? Do you want to be perfect? Would you like it if no one ever judged you again?

Well all you have to do is listen to me. Do these things I tell you to do, and you can be perfect! You will fit in, and never be judged again!

1) Do not be TOO fat! This is upsetting to the other humans around you. We must ALL strive to be the exact same weight. No matter what age you are, or what gender you are… We must all weigh EXACTLY the same.

2) Also do not be TOO thin! Again you will upset other humans. This is bothersome to folks. There is a “Just right” weight! This is what you need to be. The “Just right” weight. Many people like to use “health” as a disguise to judge you if you are not the “just right” weight! So make sure you are the “just right” weight! For optimum Health and Beauty!

3) Do not have more than 2 children. That is utterly selfish!! What do you think this is, a living breathing thriving planet? Well, it’s NOT! So please… DO NOT have more than 2 children. You are mucking up the Earth with your offspring!(preferably one girl and one boy)

4) Do not have less than 2 children! How dare you think you can have only one child. How utterly selfish of you! What about your child needing a friend? Also, your child will become a spoiled brat.

5) And to the people who think it is okay to have NO children. How utterly selfish of you!!! And weird.

6) DO NOT discipline your child in public! You do not want to be seen as abusive do you? It is abusive to discipline in public. Don’t even say “no” to your child in a stern manner. It’s offensive to others.

7) Be sure to always discipline your children in public!!! You will be seen as a terrible parent that never disciplines your children and spoils them rotten if you do not discipline them in public. You don’t want that do you? If your child is throwing a fit, you better stop them immediately for the comfort of others.

8) If you are a girl, never wear anything that is TOO revealing. You are just “asking for it” when you wear that v-neck scoop top!!!

9) If you are a girl, don’t wear anything too frumpy. It’s just sad and depressing to look at, and people will automatically think you have 5 or 6 cats at home.

10) To go along with #8 and #9, unless you have a perfectly sculpted body, DO NOT wear a bikini on a beach. If you wear a bikini and you are not perfectly sculpted, you will upset the eyes of fellow humans.

11) If you do have a perfectly sculpted body, you can wear a bikini. But remember… if you get raped… YOU ASKED FOR IT!!!!

12) Always remember Breast is BEST!! Only a good mother nourishes her baby with breast! But NEVER EVER breastfeed your hungry baby in public! Either find a bathroom stall or let it starve!!! Too many babies are SPOILED BRATS anyway so it will do them good!

13) Always remember formula is FULL of nutrients and vitamins that help your baby grow to be strong and smart. Formula is BEST! Just make sure you use silicone nipples and not latex ones! Silicone nipples make babies walk and talk faster than all other babies.

14) If you are a guy, don’t be self conscious. Wearing a T-shirt to the pool is unattractive, and men are supposed to be 100% confident all the time. Or you are not a real man.

15) Also, if you are a guy, don’t be too in tune to other people’s feelings. It is also not manly. How can you be a man if you understand feelings?

16) Again for the male gender folks, DO NOT think it is okay to stay home and take care of your children. This means you are a pansy. You do not want to be a pansy do you? If you are a stay at home dad, you DO NOT wear the pants in the family. And we all know that the person that wears the pants is the most important person.

17) After you have a baby, make sure to stay at home with them. It doesn’t matter if you can’t afford it, DO IT!! If you go to work while you have children, that makes you completely selfish and it shows you do not care about your kids.

18) After you have a baby make sure you get a job! Stay at home parents are lazy losers. You do not want to be a lazy loser do you? You need a job! Take care of your kids. Don’t be LAZY!

19) ALWAYS watch your children every second of every day! DO NOT ever let them out of your sight! EVER!!!! If you look away, you do not love your children and are abusive. You should have them taken away from you immediately!

20) Make sure to let your children roam free. They do not need supervision. How will they ever learn to be a human being if you don’t let them roam free? You DO NOT love your children and you are abusive unless you let them roam free! You should have them taken away from you immediately!

So there you have it! If you follow this list, you too can be PERFECT and live without judgement. People might stare at you, but don’t be alarmed… it is only because they want to be just like you and hope they can also achieve perfection the way you have!!

**This post is brought to you by Satire! As a matter of fact it is dripping with sarcasm, and ridiculousness as well.

You can choose to follow this list, or you can be who you are and do what makes you happy! You are going to get judged either way… so you might as well enjoy it!

7 Billion people on this floating planet, and they all want things to be their way! What are you going to do?!

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I Believe In…

27 Jun 2015 4 Comments

by Vagina in Do I need a Reason.. Tags: Arts and Entertainment, Belief, Blog, Humanity, Life, love

I Believe in Independence.

I Believe in eating vegetables.

I Believe in walking in the woods on a crisp fall day.

I Believe in coffee…with lots of sweet cream.

I Believe in eating chocolate (and peanut butter M & M’s.)

I Believe in not peddling my bike downhill after an excruciating uphill trek.

I Believe in dolphins… How can you not (and puppies.)

I Believe in sunshine.

I Believe in walking in the rain and feeling the drops from the sky.

I Believe in laughing so hard I can’t catch my breath.

I Believe in standing at the edge of the ocean and feeling the waves crash at my feet.

I Believe in LOVE…so so much I believe in LOVE!

Loving the people in my life! My sexy, sweet man (I like my man the same way I like my coffee).. and my adorable sometimes cranky children. My sweet friends, and even acquaintances. I believe in LOVE probably more than I believe in anything.

What I don’t Believe in is..

Telling other people how to live their life.

Telling another person what they should eat.

Telling another person what they should wear.

Telling another person how they should feel.

Telling another person how they should think.

Telling another person what they need to believe in.

Telling another person WHO TO LOVE or HOW TO LOVE!

It’s fairly simple really. More than anything I am against anyone who crosses over into another humans life and hurts them or alter’s their journey on this floating rock! Fundamentally we are all having a different experience on this Earth. Which makes all of our beliefs and thoughts different from each others.

Your right as a fellow human being ends the moment where someone else’s rights begin.

Basically Don’t rape! Don’t murder! Don’t molest children! Keep your hands to yourself. This is the most basic law of Humanity!

Your beliefs are the sum of your experiences on YOUR journey. Which is why it makes it really impossible for ME to make any kind of judgement on someone else’s journey.

This is YOUR road!

This is YOUR journey!

I prefer to keep my business where it belongs…on my own journey!

One thing… we all know that at the end of the story, at the end of the road…LOVE will always win over hate.

Love always Wins! as it should be…

I Believe in Love! I Choose Love!

The thing about Facebook…

04 Jun 2015 5 Comments

by Vagina in Do I need a Reason.. Tags: Arts and Entertainment, Facebook, funny, Humor, people, trolls, Twitter

It’s true that Facebook can be super annoying. What with all the irritating posts and what not. Kind of like this one!! 😉 The reality is that Facebook has made the way we interact with other people very different from when I was growing up in the 70’s and 80’s. When I was a teenager if you got upset at someone, you would call their house 500 times and when they pick up you would make heavy breathing sounds or a deep scary voice until they ended up taking the phone off the hook. And we did that even before redial was an actual thing. On rotary phones!! That took some concentration and commitment. But now a days…it’s called trolling the Internet. Trolls go around leaving asshole comments on folks posts, and I think that is the equivalent to the prank calls we did in the 80’s. I would bet 90% of trolls are 12 year olds.

It’s no secret to anyone that Facebook can cause a lot of stress and strain on friendships and relationships. We mostly post what is important to us, and what we are into, and what we think is cool. I have always thought of Facebook as the narcissists playground. All of us can post pic after pic of ourselves and the people we like…and we can post all about who we are and what we do. We all have a bit of narcissism in us. I think it’s human nature. I mean, we are stuck with ourselves 24/7 in our own heads. Now Facebook has created a place where we can share all the stuff in our heads and the stuff we like and are into. The thing is, not everybody agree or sees everything the same, so this can cause a lot of turmoil among friendships. Our children have grown up in the Facebook era so I do believe that my kids handle this online life so much better than I do. They have always known how to manage these relationships online, because that is how it has always been for them. I still struggle sometimes though. I think we are all struggling to figure how to manage these friendships online.

There seems to be two types of people on Facebook. The kind that feel their Facebook is their own and they can post whatever they want, whenever they want and however they want! And they don’t care at all what you think about that!! Then you have the kind that feel you should keep it reined in. Only post certain things, and don’t overdo this or that. These people are not into the TMI posts or fighting posts. They also don’t want to hear about your relationships or see five million pictures of your kid or dinner!

I have decided that I fall somewhere in the middle between those two things. I do believe that anybody can post whatever they want, but at the same time, because we are openly posting on a public forum, you need to be aware that posting on a public platform means you should expect for opinions to come on what you are posting about. That’s really the whole reason for a public platform. Facebook is NOT a private diary! People will see what you post. I blog about shit all the time. It would be pretty stupid of me not to expect other folks to disagree with what I am posting about. The thing is….I don’t actually care that much which is why I go ahead and post it. At first I cared a lot. I hated when I would get trolls and assholes saying shit to me, but I realized that it means NOTHING! And it doesn’t change who I am and what I stand for. And there are people who connect with my posts and words and those are the ones I am posting for. But if there is something I do not want feedback on, I will not post it publicly!

There are so many positives to Facebook as well. For instance the birthday thing. I woke up on my birthday and got on Facebook, and I had over 200 people say Happy Birthday to me. It made me so happy. It made my day. In real life….I would never have had 200 people say happy birthday to me. It did make me smile. It did make me happy. And I realized that because of Facebook, I was able to make someone feel just as happy and loved as I did that day. If anyone even tries to say that all those Happy Birthdays on your day doesn’t make you happy…then they are lying!!

Facebook is a new era that is not going away anytime soon. I love many things about being on Facebook, and I yet there are still things that I have not figured out yet.

Like being unfriended still stings. I don’t know why. I guess because it’s so much in your face that this person no longer wants a connection with you. In real life when you are “unfriended”, it just happens naturally. You and a friend may no longer be connecting and naturally the relationship just falls away. You stop talking and usually just grow apart. But online….It’s a finality.

I’ve decided there are different stages of this online process as well. I mean, if someone just unfollows you, that is something that you don’t even know has happened. Most likely you will never know. The person that unfollowed you wants to stay friends but doesn’t agree with or like the thing you talk about. So it’s a very passive aggressive way of detaching themselves from you.

Then you have the unfriending. This is more in your face because you know it happened. You go to this persons page and you see the ADD FRIEND button and you know! You know they unfriended you. They no longer want to be attached to you on Facebook at all and they want you to know it!

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The next step is much more sever. It’s the unfriending and blocking! Now you not only aren’t friends anymore, but you are no longer even alive to them. You have been erased from their online life all together. It’s not just a break up….but a death!! And you always know when you have been blocked because you will be commenting on a mutual friends post and see them outright talking to that person, but on your end it looks as if they are having a conversation with them self. So you think…hm that’s weird….why are they talking to themselves. And then they may use that person’s name in the comment and you realize…OH….okay…I guess I was BLOCKED! Erased from that person’s life. Which actually makes things uncomfortable if you run into them at Wal-Mart because now you can’t just fake the smile and act like you like them. You both know they have erased you, ..and the best thing to do is just duck behind the massive display of cheese balls and hope they don’t see you!! Because that interaction would be completely awkward now.

In my own personal online life, I rarely unfriend people. I have officially blocked only 2 people. I am sure I have been blocked by more than that, but I don’t actually give a shit! I am not one of these folks that posts the ” I’m cleaning out my friends list, so tell me how much you love me so I don’t delete you” type of person. I find that to be a tad bit attention seeking. I’m not judging… but if you want some online love, just straight out ask for it!! No need to do that fishing for compliments thing. I bet if you straight out said, “I’m sad and lonely, could someone send me a happy face so I don’t jump off a bridge” You would be surprised at how many people would send you love.

This online world is definitely changed the way we interact with each other. But I believe it has done wonderful things as well. Sometimes I have walked away from Facebook feeling awful! Feeling like I can’t measure up for some reason. And other times I have felt loved and appreciated by folks I rarely talk to. It’s a strange phenomenon.

I love Facebook!! I am most definitely addicted to it. I love commenting on posts and giving my two cents even though nobody cares. This is the way we communicate now. The Facebook era is here, and this is a sign of our times, and a sign of the future and how we will progress in communicating with each other. I’m totally on board!! Now Twitter….that’s another story all together!! No matter how many times my kids try to show me how to use Twitter, I just can’t figure it out. And who in their right mind can tell a story in 10 words or less anyway?!

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The day my son broke my Heart!~

19 May 2015 9 Comments

by Vagina in Let's get serious for a minute, My life Tags: Arts and Entertainment, Belief, Blog, Children, Life

Let me start this off by stating that what I am writing about is a very unpopular opinion. The truth is, we all have an opinion. This just happens to be mine. It does not make it right or wrong, it is just the way I see it. You can take it or leave it. My opinion will change nothing.

Now a days, I see so many articles and Facebook posts about how kids today are whiny little bitches! I see it being said all the time. Many folks hate the idea of everyone getting a participation trophy when they play on a team because they feel that it is raising a bunch of pussies. I can tell you that when I was a child, and I was picked as the last kid a lot, it was painful. I took that in and it added greatly to my already lack of self esteem that I carried around on a daily basis. I was a child that came from a home where my parents didn’t build us up all the time and tell us we were awesome. So every time I was reminded of this outside of my home, it just reassured me that I was in fact NOT AWESOME!! Growing up with that in your head on the daily, takes a long time to try and reverse those thoughts.

So the other day my son came up to me and told me about something that broke my heart. At his school they have this incentive program where kids that follow the rules and do as they are suppose to, they can gain golden tickets. They turn in their golden tickets at the end of the week, and every week they have a drawing and pick a winner from the bin. The more golden tickets you have , the better chance you have of winning. I think it is a great thing that they do for the kids. My son came up to me and we had this conversation about it:

The Boy – “You know how I have been trying to win the golden ticket thing since I was in kindergarten?”

Me – “Yes.”

The Boy – “Well… it has been three years and I have tried really hard to win. I think I just have really bad luck that follows me because in three years I have never won. Sometimes I will try extra hard to get tickets and put them in, but I never win no matter what I do. But I am completely okay with it. I am just not going to do it anymore. I have bad luck so I will probably never win it anyway.”

*At this point he could see I was feeling kind of bad about what he was saying and so he said this.

The Boy – “Don’t be upset about it. I am completely okay with it. It’s not a big deal. I just have bad luck in my life and that is how it is.”

Now listen… as a mom, I have that mama bear quality when one of my children are hurt or upset where I want to make it all better. It is instinctively inside of me to want to fix things for them. I am not going to apologize for that!! When someone hurts my child, I become a crazy lady!! And yes, I wanted to go down to the school, and make them pick his name!!! But I also know that what he is experiencing is life. Just simply life! The thing that breaks my heart is I witnessed the very moment when my son lost that magical feeling of hope, and just became okay with it. The moment of when he lost his belief in the fact that he can actually do anything. The truth is… life is not easy. And the truth is, not all of us can accomplish everything. We DO NOT always win everything, and truthfully, we will not always be able to do everything it is that we want to do. I am 42 years old and still waiting to take that dream trip to Paris!

As a mom, I have always told my kids they can be anything and do anything. The world is their playground to do as they please. And even though I have always said that to my kids, I saw my 10 year old lose that hope simply because of his own experiences.

I will still tell my children that they can accomplish everything. And I will still tell my children they are wonderful! So many people disagree with this. They believe that you should never make your children feel special at all because the world will not see them as special or wonderful. I agree with that… except that the world and life will show my children well enough on it’s own that they are not special or wonderful. No one in this world will treat them like they are amazing. Life will knock them around the same way it does all of us. And they will have to learn to overcome obstacles all on their own. But like hell it is going to start with me!! I want to be the ONE place that they know is not going to fail them! I want to be the ONE place they can go and always know that I will see them as wonderful no matter what.

When I think back to my childhood, even if I had parents that had told me I was great all the time, I know for certain that everything I experienced in my life, from heartbreak, to not getting the job, to being the last picked, are all the things that showed me exactly how life is. The hard knocks of life!

I just want my kids to know that even when life is knocking them around all over the place… the one soft place to rest for a bit will always be with me. I am not a perfect parent. I fully admit that I am in no way perfect at this parenting gig! The way I really feel is, I love my kids and I want them to succeed in all things. The reality is, they won’t succeed in all things. They will learn that totally and completely without the help of me. So yes, I will still tell my children that they are wonderful, and I will still tell them that they can accomplish anything. What they experience in this life will add to making them exactly what they become. I want them to always think fondly of their time with me though. I want them to never question the fact that I always have believed that they can be and do anything.

Don’t twist my words. I say no to my kids all the time. That is because I am not in a situation where I can give them everything they want at all times. I am not talking about buying your kids a bunch of shit they don’t need. I am talking about building up their self esteem. I am talking about building them up as Human Beings. Reality is what it is! Nothing you say to your kids will change the reality of life. You can tell them they suck or tell them they are great, it will not change what life throws at them. But it may change how they end up handling it.

All I know is that by telling my children that I think they are awesome, it is doing nothing but letting them know that I, their mom, think that they are awesome! It is not making them pussies that can’t handle life. It is just reassuring them that even if the world is shitty and hard sometimes, and things will not always be easy… no matter what, I will always think they are awesome!

Get off the couch LAZY A$$!!

17 Apr 2015 8 Comments

by Vagina in My life Tags: Arts and Entertainment, exercise, funny, Humor, Jogging, marathon, NETflix

As of recently, I have been on a quest to “try” to be healthier. I do that sometimes. Every so often I will go through a health kick sort of deal, and buy veggies at the store, and drink green juice, and really try to keep an actual schedule with exercise and stick to it. I’ve never really been good with structure. I’m just not built that way. My true inner guide is one that is always late to everything, loves junk food, and can watch hours upon hours of Netflix! No matter how much healthy food I eat, and how many hours of exercise I put in at the gym, I have never grown a love for that type of thing. It’s just not who I am! I have to force myself to exercise, and force myself to eat broccoli. Every time I hear people saying things like, “Once you start being healthy all the time you never crave the bad stuff! It’s a lifestyle change!” I call Bullshit!!

Maybe that works for some folks, but not everybody. Eating right and exercising is great, but I will never love it! And that’s okay. My favorite motto ever is “You do you!” So if you LOVE eating lettuce and doing bicep curls… you do it!!! And if you love Cheetos, and Netflix marathons rather than color rad marathons… you do it! You do you!!

Which brings me to this. Even though I am not a lover of exercise, I still try to incorporate it in my life. I have done so many different types of exercise. I have done Zumba, Taebo, Turbofire, T25, cardio kickboxing, barre fitness, abs of steel, buns of steel, worked out on an elliptical, punching bag, bike riding, you name it… I’ve done it! I have even owned my very own thigh master, and I used the shit out of that thing! It never actually gave me thighs of steel though. I may have been using it wrong. I would plop down in front of the t.v and watch Beverly Hills 90210 back when Dylan (the hottie bad boy) and Brenda (the narcissistic crazy girl) were dating. The problem was I would end up eating a bag of chips while I was squeezing my thighs. I figured one was canceling out the other! (let me live with my lie okay!)

As of recently, the new exercise gig I am trying out is jogging. If you follow My Facebook Page, I have talked about this before. On my very first jog ever, I lost my lungs. When I started, they were attached, and five minutes in… my lungs detached from the designated place they are supposed to be, and dropped somewhere into my liver or pancreas. I’m still not sure! I have not been able to retrieve them as of yet! Still working on that! Anyway… In my quest to start a jogging regime, I have come across a few things along my journey that I can’t figure out. I thought I would share them with you.

1) Why is there always a shoe in the ditch? It’s always ONE shoe just laying on the side of the road, or in the ditch. Now first of all, I am going to obviously assume that the person wearing that shoe was snatched up, and is now being held captive in some gross basement somewhere being forced to eat cow brains while being brainwashed about how aliens will be coming back to take the Earth from us all! But also… if you are jogging, and somehow one of your shoes falls off Cinderella style, how are you not feeling this? How is a person just walking around without one shoe and doesn’t even notice. Do they get home, and their partner says “Hey Bob… what happened to your shoe?” and bob says “Oh wow… I had no idea it was gone!! I was so involved in my awesome run, that I didn’t even notice all the gravel and glass shards I was running over!.” I don’t get it!

2) Twice I have come across underwear balled up on the side of the road covered in doodie! WHAT IS UP PEOPLE??!! Who is doodieing themselves and just throwing the unders out the window? I have actually crossed the road because I don’t even want to jog next to balled up doodie underwear! If you would have just stopped and pulled down your underwear, squatted and doodied like a normal person, there would be no need to take off your underwear and throw it on the side of the road!

3) The dead animal carcasses. I realize nature is nature and there is nothing we can do about that! But when you are running along, you have your headphones on and are lost in a song, and then the smell hits your nostrils like a wrecking ball (see what I did there) and it gets closer and closer until you realized it’s a smooshed up skunk that birds have been munching on all day! Who knows how long it’s been cooking in the sun. And now you have to run by that awful thing! Without a gas mask!! ugh…

4) The staring folk! Now I know what you are going to say. Ignore all the people that stare, who really cares what they think! I agree with that. But sometimes it gets kind of annoying. Here you are trying to get your jog on and not doing a very good job of it, and car after car is racing by you. And then you have the car filled with 10 teenagers, and you know they shouldn’t even be all fitting in that car, and yet there they are. They go as slow as possible by you and they are all staring out the window and making faces because they think they are so friggin hilarious. “Yes teenagers… that is my ass bouncing all over the place… what of it??? Mark my words! You will be me one day!”

5) Along with the staring judgmental people, comes the staring judgemental animals! If you happen to live in the city, you will probably get some crazy dogs freaking out as you have to jog by their fence. You also have to deal with those nasty tree squirrels that are sitting in the tree just waiting to pounce on you as you jog by. I live in the country and so I get to jog by all the judgemental cows and bison! Yep… you read that right!! The judgemental cows!! I can’t tell you how many times I have had to jog past judgemental cows. The worst part is, they are the ones that smell like ass… and yet they are judging ME??!!

6) And let’s not forget the bug buffet that you end up having after a nice jog! If you start to sweat, you get the added bonus of those nasty little fuckers sticking to you. The most annoying of all are those little gnat things that continue to fly right around your face holes. Their favorite place to be is in your eyeballs, up your nose, and in your mouth!!! WHY???? You try to run faster thinking you can outrun those assholes, but you can’t!! NO matter how fast you go, that swarm of gnats is right there with you!! It’s like they have become part of your aura now!! You also have the random cricket that you see up ahead. You try to avoid it, and instead of jumping away from you, that fucker jumps RIGHT AT YOU!!!! Which of course causes you to do the embarrassing “Is there a bug on me?” dance in public… Awesome…

This is how I usually look after a nice jog!

Honestly, I am not against Marathons! I Just prefer the kind that inolve popcorn and Netflix!

BDSM Hardcore Edition!~

06 Mar 2015 Leave a comment

by Vagina in Do I need a Reason.., Nonsense Tags: Arts and Entertainment, BDSM, books, funny, Humor, pain, silly

If you haven’t heard about the book Fifty Shades of Grey by now, you may possibly be living under a rock! A few years ago, these fan fiction books became wildly popular. If you hadn’t read them yourself, you knew someone that had. Even Costco had a huge display for all the Fifty Shades of Grey books. Adorned with pictures of ties, and handcuffs. I myself have read all of the books. I was told by a friend about them and I also had read all of the Twilight books so I figured I would give them a try. The Fifty Shades of Grey series was fan fiction based off of the Twilight series.

There has been so much controversy about this book. Starting with the BDSM community. Many of the folks that actually live this lifestyle were very upset at the portrayal of BDSM. There are also many people that have felt these books portray abusive relationships.

I thought the books were okay. Obviously I wasn’t expecting to read this fan fiction series and get fine literature from it. If you are interested in my actual opinion about the whole thing I wrote THIS HERE a while back about it. Click on the link and check it out! And then come back here because I will miss you if you don’t come back! …COME BACK!!

But with all the popularity of these books, .they have now started making the movies. I have not seen the movie yet. I have read many reviews about it, and I know lots of folks that have seen it. I am sure I will see it eventually. Maybe if it ever comes out on Netflix me and the husband could have a movie night. The thing is I would need to take the kids to grandma’s for the night. I can hear it now…

Kid – “Mom..what were you and dad watching last night? It sounded weird!! What was all that slapping and moaning and weird sounds?? It scared me and I had bad dreams!!”…

Me – Blink,Blink, Blink….

I personally have never lived a BDSM lifestyle, …but I have some ideas to spice up the BDSM world!! Trust me on this….these are fool proof.

Let’s go BDSM…HARDCORE!!!~

1) Stepping on legos! – I mean….come on, ..everyone knows that one of the most painful things EVER is stepping on a lego. Especially when you stumble out of bed in the middle of the night and the room is dark, you are not expecting it…and all of sudden you step on something that feels like a nail just went through your skin! Not only are you officially awake now,..you are in seething pain and have a dent that is in the shape of a lego on the bottom of your foot!

2) Have you ever been eating something delicious, ..and then for some strange reason you bite the inside of your cheek or tongue and it hurts like hell? And then….for the next two weeks straight no matter what you are eating, ..you ALWAYS bite that same spot over and over and over and over!!! Even if you try and eat on the other side of your mouth, …you end up biting that same spot! Talk about torture!! I hope you are taking notes on this Mr. Grey!

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3) This one may be one of the worst things ever! Stubbing your toe on a corner edge of a wooden table. Just writing that makes me cringe. Especially if you stub it directly on the end of your toe. OUCH!! That is something you will be feeling for hours after. If you stub it hard enough, you might even be limping around for a bit!

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4) Hiccups!! Not so much painful as more annoying than anything! I have a weird thing where I become almost violently angry when I have the hiccups. I HATE them!! And if holding my breath or drinking water doesn’t stop them, …I just get angrier and angrier. I have even thought to myself if these fuckers don’t stop I am going to choke myself until I pass out and hopefully when I come to, I won’t have the hiccups anymore. I’m just saying….I could actually see someone committing murder because they couldn’t get rid of their hiccups!

5) Isn’t it cute when your 8 year old goes into your closet and starts trying on all of your high heels? Then she starts strutting around the house in them looking adorable. Then she walks past you and crunches every damn toe you have with the pointy heel. And as you are screaming “OUCH…you are standing on my foot”, …she looks up at you smiling while the pointy heel is digging farther and farther in. So you say “You have to move you are standing on my foot!”…and as she starts to move, she puts all her weight on the shoe that is digging into your flesh, and then finally moves. Now you have a hole in the form of the heel from your stiletto shoes embedded into the top of your foot!

6) Have you ever been walking into a room with a big pile of laundry in your hands and then the sleeve of your shirt gets caught on the door and jacks you so far back that you were basically clothes lined by the door. No pun intended!! This may just be a short person’s problem, but it SUCKS ASS!!! I get clothes lined by my door knobs on a regular basis, …and I always end up with bruises! Did you get that Mr. Grey?? Lots of bruises!!

7) Picture this – You had a rough night of sleep. Your kids were up most of the night due to one having a headache and the other having night mares. You finally get them to sleep and it is 5:00 am. You don’t officially fall asleep until 6:30 am, and the alarm goes off at 7:00 am. You open your eyes but contemplate that death might not be so bad right now because you would at least get a few hours of sleep. So you force yourself out of bed, …stumble into the kitchen, open up the cupboard looking for some coffee, ..and NOTHING!! You forgot that there is no coffee. You have NO coffee!! THAT is torture! I mean….pure pain and torture my friends.

This is a video I made about that very thing! Waking up to NO coffee = TORTURE!~

So there you have it!! BDSM Hardcore Edition. If you are looking into actually starting up the BDSM lifestyle, then you probably don’t want to take my advice. This here is the worst advice ever.

Netflix has Ruined Me!! at least it’s there for me…unlike every person….ever…

21 Jan 2015 13 Comments

by Vagina in My life, Nonsense Tags: Arts and Entertainment, funny, Humor, NETflix, silly, Television

Don’t get me wrong…I Love Netflix! I am seriously addicted to it. Now that Netflix is in my life, …I have realized that I don’t need anything or anybody else. It could just be me and Netflix forever….I mean, ..until I have watched all the shows. Then there could be a problem.

I never really watched that much television anyway, …but when I did… I would get into a show and wait week by week for a new episode to come. I am one of those people with a very short attention span, …so once the show would go away for more than two weeks …I was over it. Some of these shows will have one episode a week for a month or two, ..and then BOOM…gone for like six months straight. I’m sorry but after six months I have moved on! I don’t have the time or patience to have to re-learn all the people and situations of a show. I’m busy!!! I have things to do…. blink, blink, blink… (whatever!!..I have things I “should” be doing but am choosing not to!! Okay?? Is that better???)

Anyway, about six months ago or so, …my sister got rid of her cable television and went to Netflix! She said it was so much better because not only was it WAY cheaper, …you can watch episodes back to back. So I thought…eh,..I’ll give it a try. At first I was totally stealing some Netflix from my sister! They give you the option to have two screens in your house, ..so instead of getting my own, I totally stole her password and started using it to get on.

Disclaimer – This information needs to stay between us okay?? You know NOTHING! YOU saw NOTHING!! you heard NOTHING! Got it??…

So yeah…I was giving Netflix a try! It didn’t take very long for me to get hooked. I started with LOST! I mean…obviously…..If you get Netflix, and you haven’t watched LOST then you are doing it wrong!!! It was so awesome! No commercials to fast forward through, and every time they left me with a crazy cliff hanger ending, I was like….”Too bad bitches…I’m going to find out what happens right now!” It was AWESOME!!!

I finished LOST and went straight on to Breaking Bad! Again….if you haven’t watched Walter and Jessie…GET ON IT!!!

One night, the kids actually got to bed early enough that I decided to start my show. I was midway through the 4th season of Breaking Bad and some shit was about to go down! I turn on my Netflix and I get this awful notice pop up that says… “Your Netflix account has been suspended!”… So I tried again….same notice pops up! I felt panic starting to creep up inside of me. I texted my sister…

Me – “Um, …what the heck is going on with Netflix?? This weird message keeps popping up when I try to get on!”

My sister ( A.K.A. – crusher of dreams!) – “Oh yeah….I am turning it off for a bit because I had some other bills to pay. I will get it back on but it probably won’t be for a few months or so!”

Me – Blink, Blink, Blink….. “You know…..You should be more respectful when someone is “stealing” from you and not just cut off their supply like that! It’s just rude!!! What am I going to do now??”

My sister (A.K.A- crusher of dreams) – “Oh I don’t know…you could always get your own account!”

Me – *plugging my ears even though this was all in text! “LALALALALAL LALALLALA LALALA I can’t hear you….I can’t hear you!!…Are you saying something because…I CAN’T HEAR YOU lalalalala”

My Sister (A.K.A.-crusher of dreams) – “okay…so anyway….I will get it back on in a few months or so!”

Me – “FINE!!!! You should really think about taking up a career in crushing people’s hopes and dreams. You are really good at it!”

My Sister (A.K.A-crusher of hopes and dreams) – Blink, Blink, Blink……*at least I think she was blinking. I wasn’t actually there and we were texting all this so… yeah…

I had a decision to make. Do I wait the two months for my sister to get it together so that I can keep stealing Netflix from her…or do I take the plunge and just get it myself. Well…obviously I can not wait two months to find out if Walter White actually poisoned that kid, I need to know NOW! So I called and made Netflix official!

Another disclaimer – If you are planning on being all judgy and saying things to me like… “Why can’t you pay for your own Netflix?? It’s only 7 dollars a month! Why are you “borrowing” it from your sister you cheap ass!”. Don’t bother saying it! I already know I’m a cheap ass! But can we all agree that if folks are “stealing/borrowing” from you and they are counting on you, that it’s bad form to just do the cutoff technique!!!

Now that Netflix and I are actually official,…my love and devotion doesn’t need to be held back anymore by people that crush hopes and dreams! (calm the fuck down……Netflix is NOT my hopes and dreams! I’m fucking kidding you assholes!) – Sorry…I KNOW some fool is going to say something about that so I am replying in advance!

Since Netflix and I have been going strong, I finally made it through Breaking Bad. I also watched all of The 100. And of course went back through and re-did all of Doctor Who, .and Sherlock! I am currently watching Weeds! I’m in the 7th season so NO SPOILERS PLEASE!!

The problem with having this relationship with Netflix is that I am now ruined from ever watching regular television again. RUINED!! I have NO patience at all for commercials. I tried to watch something on regular television the other day, and I got five minutes into it and once the commercials started I was OUT!!! I don’t have that kind of attention anymore.

It’s funny because when I was kid, …we would have to actually walk up to the T.V. and turn the knob ourselves! It was barbaric!! You would sit there turning the knob until you could actually find a channel that came in good enough to watch. You would have to sit there moving around the makeshift foil antenna trying to find a channel that had reception. Ah…the good old days! Most of the time you would just give up because it wasn’t worth it. Or you would make your brother stand there holding the foil up to the sky until it came in and then he would have to stand there through the whole episode. Commercials and all!!! Those were tough times in our country!

All I am saying is that I don’t know if I could ever go back. Netflix has ruined me! I am spoiled now. Not that I have ever been a super patient person anyway, but I have zero patience now. I don’t know if I will ever be able to watch an actual show in real time ever again. Those days are gone! If I can’t sit and watch an entire 10 seasons of a show in 3 days, then I’m not watching it! But now it’s time to stop all this writing and go watch some more… See ya!

Bring Back The Waterbed!!~

03 Jan 2015 4 Comments

by Vagina in Do I need a Reason.., Nonsense Tags: Arts and Entertainment, funny, Humor, jokes, silly, water, waterbed

Ah the 70’s and 80’s were good times weren’t they? From the fashion trends all the way to the music. Lava lamps were big, ..and so were leg warmers! My favorite pair were rainbow color and I wore those things until they started unraveling from the bottom up. I also had a pair of Reebok high tops that were HOT PINK!!! You could see me coming from two miles away. I actually wore them with my acid washed jeans and believe me when I tell you, I had the biggest hair around! My wings were something to be desired. I am pretty sure I could pick up any radio station on the other side of the world with those wings.

This is my actual hair in 1987! That took 1 1/2 bottles of aqua net, .and close to 2 hours to achieve….EVERYDAY!!

One of the big trends that started in the 70’s and continued on through the 80’s were waterbeds. Almost everyone I knew had a waterbed in their house. It’s hard to find anyone with a waterbed these days. You know…if you ask me, people are crabbier these days. I think it has something to do with the lack of waterbeds!

More Hair!! SO MUCH HAIR!!~

Here is the top 7 reasons why they should bring back waterbeds:

1) Nothing says OUCH quite like getting stuck between the hard wood sides and the mattress of a waterbed! I mean…when you got stuck… YOU WERE STUCK! You would usually end up with some kind of bruise or mark, and almost always came out of that full of splinters. It taught us to be tough!! Not like kids today with their soft mattresses, .and plushy futons. They are spoiled with all the cotton sheets, and super cushy micro fleece comforters.

2) You KNEW when your parents were doing the nasty! You could hear it from the other side of the house. All the sloshing and waves they were making, there was no way you were going to accidentally walk in on that and end up scarred for life! Once it sounded like the Titanic sank, ..you knew you were safe to go near the room!..

3) You always knew the cool people on the street that owned a waterbed because the fully stretched out garden hose draped through a second story window gave it away!! Sign of coolness right there folks!!

4) Back in the day, we didn’t have much for entertainment…it was either use your imagination and make a tree house out of a stick, or lay on your parents waterbed for hours upon hours making waves! Just try not to think about the waves they were making earlier that morning.

5) You never had to worry about monsters under the bed, …or things getting lost underneath the bed. Once you set up a waterbed… it is there FOREVER!!! For life!!!! The waterbed is not going anywhere….EVER!!! You can change around the dresser or the night stand table, but the bed…..nope, …it stays in the same spot forever!!!!!

6) – Nothing really compares to how much fun it was jumping on a waterbed when someone was sleeping in it, watching them go flying and end up on the floor. With all these new fangled soft beds, …the most you would get from jumping on the bed while someone is asleep in it is the other person wiggling around a little bit!

7) …And who can forget all those times you would wake up in the middle of the night because you are sure you pissed yourself just to find out there is a leak in the bed!

Good Times…

Change the Channel and Pass the Popcorn!~

08 Oct 2014 12 Comments

by Vagina in Do I need a Reason.., Nonsense Tags: Arts and Entertainment, Benedict Cumberbatch, funny, Humor, silly, Television, Thought

Have you ever been watching a T.V. show, ..and a random thought pops in your head? It happens sometimes. So I thought I would give you a glimpse into my weird brain and share some of the many thoughts I have had while watching some of my T.V. Shows….

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL– I could do that pose so much better. I mean, they are completely missing the art of it.

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY– Wow, they are dysfunctional bitchy back stabbers. Why am I watching this again? Oh look! Another cat fight!

SHERLOCK– Hm, maybe I could deduce somebody like that… *looks over at friend. I can tell by the wrinkle in their shirt that they…. crap, I don’t know.

SUPERNATURAL– There is no way that dude eats nothing but cheeseburgers and pie, and still looks like an underwear model. That’s the most supernatural thing about this show.

ANIMAL COPS– No no no no no, change it change it change it. I don’t want to see that.

HOARDERS– Compared to them, I am a clean freak. I’m like the flippin Queen of England.

GAME OF THRONES– Another sex scene, really? I mean, I don’t mind sex, but can’t we just have another bloody battle instead? I might as well just be watching porn.

MINDY PROJECT– HAHAHAHAHA! OMG, Mindy, stop! I’m gonna pee my pants! HAHAHA!

OPRAH– Aw, they all get free ipods and free cars and free bedsheets. And what do I get? Nothing.

TOP CHEF- Oh geez, that looks good. I would eat all of that. And the judge says it’s mediocre? Shut up, judge! I don’t want to hear it. All I have to eat is mac and cheese.

BIGGEST LOSER– I could probably do that exercise… If they can, I can… Who am I kidding? My ass is basically glued to this couch….*could you pass the popcorn…

THE WALKING DEAD– I don’t know which is more gross: The zombies or people doing it when they haven’t showered in two years.

ONCE UPON A TIME– So, wait? He’s the grandfather of the son of the sister of the evil step mother? I’m confused.

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK– It doesn’t look too bad. I could probably handle prison. I bet I’d be the toughest one in there. Except the whole pooping in front of people thing… I don’t think I could do that…

ELEMENTARY- So this is like Sherlock… but without Benedict Cumberbatch… I want Benedict Cumberbatch.

19 KIDS AND COUNTING – nope. *turns off T.V. and heads to the bathroom to pluck eyebrows! ….plucking eyebrows is more interesting!!

Ooops, I Said Vagina… Again..

The World is Goin Nuts!!..

Do you want to be PERFECT? Then do what I say!!

I Believe In…

The thing about Facebook…

The day my son broke my Heart!~

Get off the couch LAZY A$$!!

BDSM Hardcore Edition!~

Netflix has Ruined Me!! at least it’s there for me…unlike every person….ever…

Bring Back The Waterbed!!~

Change the Channel and Pass the Popcorn!~

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