31/05
-2nd day depression.
Just stay in bed, stay at home. Read the letters sent by my students. Still got overwhelmed by their love and dedications
-done watching "todos los saben"
-can't sleep thinking about manilvaguy and the past guys whom i could be in a relationship with (francis, arturo, kevin, meaidmax, etc..) but i am always reminded of eartha kitt's answer when she is asked about "when you fall in love, what is there to compromise about?" Of which she answered:
"There's nothing in the world more beautiful than falling in love. But falling in love for the right reason. relationship is a relationship that has to be earned, not to be compromised for"
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DKUgeEACpkD/?igsh=MXNjZWp2cmQxMmR5aA==
This totally anchors me, a deal breaker.. manilvaguy, and the so many guys before him i cried over with, of which i believe, i am not willing to compromise infidelity. They totally haven't earned my trust.. something that they fell short/out of..
30/05
-depressed
"How blessed am i that it hurt so much because i can feel"
28-29/05
-last days at IES Tomas Hormigo..
Was overwhelmed by their love.
-received so much letters and gifts both from the students and the faculties
-meet Ruben and as always, we had a very good sex by the balcony. I always love our talk between hash and cola.. he is already hard even before we start. Came out intensely as he fucked me. His dick feels so good inside me while high on hash.
I also had a good vision of him as he fucked me semi missionary style. I will definitely miss him.
-after the sex with Ruben, i usually replay the images of me and my partner in my head, weirdly i remember the smiles of my students. It made me teary eyed.
27/05
-having my last week in IES Tomas Hormigo.. overwhelmed by love and gratitude by the students
-performed with Profe Juan Cabrera with his violin in his class. Just amazing.
-visited Maria carretera's residence and family. She gave me ab awesome illustration. Then her parents done a house tour that they created themselves. Had a short get together and even sang moon river upon seeing Audrey Hepburn's poster at their master's bedroom. Able to meet her family and listen to their wonderful stories. Just an amazing spontaneous get together
-afternoon bike at cancelada. Loving the weather and the sound of the waves.
26/05
-new moon meditation
-new moon manifestations: a love that equates, a constant love that resonates.
25/05
-woke up feeling sad. I feel like a baby barnacle that needs to crash somewhere stable and built my home. I am starting to feel tired of being adrift for a long period of time.
-stayed in my bed a little longer
24/05
-talked with chai
Russ
Jml
-meet with lucas. I told him he looks like an italian. He also have nice sun kissed skin. He looks cute
-got drunk with wine, and sing along with my favorite piano accompaniments
23/05
-"nunca te olvides del sufrimiento que viviste con esa persona!"
https://youtu.be/4BHsjZj5iLM?si=hGGhb5BvxfRWqnR7
-finally done with my cl@ve at the ayuntamiento and also my Certificado de delitos de naturaleza sexual
-re watched claudine and piolo's "Milan" after 20 years
22/05
- prenultima semana en IES Tomas Hormigo.. i don't wanna be sad anymore.. im tired of being sad and crying. Treat myself in an Italian pizzaria in cancelada.
-went to the beach and walk. The water is not so cold so i was able to do regine Velasquez's vocalization while singing amapola
21/05
-day 43. I can feel the hurt and sadness lingering again, so i need to take a bike going to cancelada.
-remind myself that i am not here in Estepona for good. Im heading to Italy and then Madrid. So i could not have my self fall in love since I won't be staying here for good anyway
"Maybe right now my journey is not about love. It's about healing and finding myself again"
https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1FyLfa8HvA/
20/05
-"Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot"
Watched CMBYN and this will always strike a cord in me.
-got hyped with bergamo as some locations in the film were shot there specially where elio vomited: Via Simone Mayr
-final two weeks of my stay in IES Tomas Hormigo and i am starting to say my farewell to my beloved students and gosh, i always get emotional 😭
19/05
-met Ruben, and i realized, i met him before manilvaguy and our sex is getting better and better.. but sadly, this won't last that long since i am moving out of Estepona. How i love our bonding stay as brotherly as possible. We shared hash, talk and have sex at the balcony. Always an amazing moment with him.
-had some puff of mj and really had vivid dreams and felt well rested the next day.
18/05
-went to manilva beach.. this might be my last time so i poured my heart out in every pedal and just simply drowned with it's beauty.
-had soon by leanne rhymes in the loop as my heartbreak song. Of course coffee and casual by Chappelle roan
-sabanilla, dine out kebab and had coffee at panadería palacio del gofre. I felt i am having a major financial breakthrough after all these months of super tipid. Que barbaridad!
-went to costa natura and went sun bathing in the nude. It super hot so i went skinny dipping in the cold waters as well. Super amazing when i can do all this kind of thing here in Spain.
-had an invite with c.sevilla guy but i am not in the mood for it. His selfish dominance simply doesn't work for me anymore.
17/05
-had my morning walk to my favorite spot at punta de la plata without my phone. Simply got hypnotized by the shallow waves and crystal water near trocadero as well. Just a wonderful solitary moment by the sea
-rewatched "Luca", then later CMBYN, these are always my summer vibe dou.
-listened to murakami's 1Q84 audiobook.
16/05
-already got the ticket for Italy!
-cried for another day here in Estepona as i did this yoga. I realized that Estepona (costa del sol and parts of Andalucía) is my first love. Flashes of good memories and even the aches i have for manilvaguy:
morning yoga
https://youtu.be/NgAwmjPf4Bk?si=qdv9Yi29NZ4NGu4c
15/05
-it's past midnight when i arrived back home from biking and when i checked on my phone, i got an email from Gordana. I made it to the upcoming summer camp in Italy!!! I am overjoyed! Yeyyyy!!!!! This is it pancit!!! 😁
-met Lucas, this time with only white t-shirt, he is definitely a cute young lad. As usual we kiss passionately and he ate my ass and lick it like his lover. He came and tasted his cum as he go out for the san Isidro feria.
-went out with Ignacio, isa, maria and carlos as i witnessed Estepona turned into something different. I felt i am in a different dimension as the festival of San Isidro commense. Just amazing!!! And the people! It's like their local/village sinulog.. and the drinks are overflowing.. i am so drunk and wasted. I slept overwhelmed.
14/05
-moving on, 37th day:
One that struck me (15:14)
The goose and the golden egg
https://youtu.be/K6RRNxRVVW0?si=9DNeVwVc-jk7Q_Wm
-had a wonderful night time biking along Costa del sol under a bright full moon. The smell of spring flowers and just the right crisp chill in the air. And the views!!! The 1st world beach houses and beach resorts (ikos, tikitano, las dunas, etc). I should be getting used to it but there is such disparity with developing countries to where i am right now. Oh well, my memory of my version of the Philippines is still paradise for me (talking about bantayan island, panglao, boracay)
-saw a strange glowing light in the sky.. it might be a glowing shining rocket or a dissolving shooting star as it peels off layers of sparkling stardusts. Made a wish that I will make it to Italy, that i may get the Italy summer camp i've applied for.
-watched the flower moon casts its glow on the dancing seawaves.
13/05
-meet ruben just past midnight after i went full moon biking in cancelada
-we smoke hash and mj. And i instantly find him so gwapo. Tall manly and huge. We had sex by the balcony and gosh my orgasm was so extreme. The joint made me relax and sensually sensitive so i was able to enjoy every moment and just simply give in to the pleasure and pain. It was marvelous
12/05
-flower moon.
-went biking in cancelada and saw the full moon rising by the cold shore.
-listen to this video
Full moon in Scorpio portal, let the old you die:
https://youtu.be/J1zg7KmflzY?si=pD9rpw3ucyFpIzjW
-done shadow work. My shadows as an arries: dominant, control freak, impulsiveness and self centeredness
Intention: surrender to the universe
11/05
-woke up at lyza's place in Coín
-yesterday was a blur. As far as i remember, alex brought some joint and it gave me so much wonderful visions. As if i had a feria in my mind (i jokingly said that as lyza ask us if we want to go to an event nearby, and i said no neee, i already having a wonderful time inside my head)
-i had a great view of the bright moon by lyza's tagatay esque terrace. Had my melancholia scene there for a moment.
-lyza, as always, just went to Cadiz, to think she just had her trip to morocco and tenerefe? I wish i have that capacity but for now those places can wait. Im still in love with my own little town in Estepona
-got back to Estepona and had class with Isa with Cambridge virtually anywhere lesson plan.
-meet up with gibraltar guy. He is really a husband material for me. Although he is not as handsome and tall as my other fuck buddies but he is sensitive to my needs and we have a great emotional chemistry. After sex, we cuddle in my bed and I told him about my plans for the summer and that my next school assignment will be in Madrid. Telling him that, it pains me a bit. But i have to tell him that as early as possible because I don't want to leave him hanging.
-i realized that if other people keep on travelling around towns in Spain, I would rather stay in one major town and simply fall in love with it and discover the people nearby.
-i am in love with Estepona, and it totally breaks my heart to leave it in few weeks time.
10/05
-woke up with 2 missed calls from hoy.guy, the spanish turk guy. So he visited me to have early morning sex. This is the 2nd time when he commanded me to dress up like a gurl. He is straight curious and a dominant top. So as a submissive bottom, i follow what he demands. I had a pair of leggings, and heeled sandals. As oppose to a blouse with a wedge last time. With him, is always intense and other wordly. Im starting to love the roleplaying with him. And as always, he is hot and horny. He came twice and he left his sando. I sniffed it as i masturbated to cum my 2nd orgasm that day.
09/5
-it was already 7am when we finished so i went to the bus station still high (see yesterday's entry). But good thing because i don't have sleep. So i walk strutting with my afro beats in my earphones.
-finally back home and fixed myself. Back to this beautiful charming town of Estepona. What a crazy metropolitan kind of night in the málaga center. I felt like it was an introduction for my upcoming Madrid adventure.
-cried with the idea of me leaving my first auxiliar de conversación students
08/05
-watched cornucopia at the cinema with another bjork fansssss. Crazy that there are a lot in Spain!!! So heart warming and the same time shining glowing..
Although i wish the volume is much higher but i guess the cinema tech wish to have mama B's voice to be the priority.
Also seen fellow goers who keep on head bobbing and hand dancing while sitting.. it's so much fun.
-had a bowl of grapes, cava brut champagne and hash for the experience.
-the presentation lasted for two hours and when i went to bus station, there was no bus heading to Estepona anymore uffff.
-spent the night roaming around the different parks in málaga, parque de huelin and paseo (near pampadou) and to the famous Alcazaba and since the last time i went there i saw a condom, i knew and i am correct it is really a place for cruising. I met this tall handsome french guy who i gave blow job but the moment i tried to bottom for him i found out he is bottom as well. Crazy.
-had a pnp invite with this straight curious latino from Columbia and we did coke. Although i got pumped up and the guy i am with is hot, but i don't feel the same way with my drug of preference. I wish I had so i can totally be the sex machine i can be. But I end up glorifying his massive latino dick and eating his cum.
07/05
-a lengthy talk with Vera, as she cried herself about work and me talking about letting go of my current place the beautiful coast (costa del sol) and the people i learned to love with.
06/05
-day 29 of moving on:
6 signs of break up might be good for you
https://youtu.be/mu0F_F4mWvQ?si=3dxkzmAqRneDw-fs
-met ruben and had a great sex. I love it when we do it on the balcony after we smoke hash
05/05
-felt low energy today
-i dunno, i usually wakes up with the need to fix myself. But now i leave myself just to be broken. i even get tired of self help videos of how to heal a broken heart. The avoidant and anxious attachment dynamics related videos become a chore.
-maybe i am departing from being broken, now i have this sense of "i will miss this feeling" transition
-05/05 portal codes:
*Milk and honey
*Sun gazing
*Shower cleansings
*Uncork feet for the negativity flushed out
*Manilvaguy related pain is just a sliver of so many amazing things I've been through lately
*Seville Oranges
*Floating seagulls
*Husband and abundance
04/05
-pour my heart out into a stone and throw it out to the sea.
-still in pain and crying.
-confront rena (the Brazilian guy) that we are not meant to be
01-03/05
-caught up with a lot of things specially with my summer camp in Italy application
-able to sit and process my pain. I am able to face my suffering this time and acknowledging it made it sacred. Able to talk about it with russ.
-seen a pattern that i am usually in pain with my heartbreak when i wake up. So i usually watch YouTube videos about demystifying an avoidant attachment person and how i deal with it.
I like how this analogy of loving a cat paints a picture of how i feel about manilvaguy:
https://youtu.be/XpW3bzljcqU?si=unOTGsDwDu_5pYnr
