“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Lao Tzu, Father of Taoism
As the debates on adoption continue, and yet another adoptee is abused, I can’t help but to think about unconditional love. How important is it for a child’s development and emotional stability?
In my experience I have seen many people adopt that offer only conditional love – a love which asks for something in return. My brother and I were told, “If you are a ‘good’ child then you will have a home. If you reciprocate for all that has been given to you, then you will be loved and you will not be sent back to Costa Rica.” It was an extraordinary amount of pressure to place on us. Somehow we had to find a way to fill a void in our adoptive parent’s life.
From my research, I have learned about the difficulties adoptive parents face when they realize that their needs are not being met by their adopted child. Post-adoption depression syndrome is a common problem for adoptive parents, In The Stork Market, Mirah Riben states that 77% of adopted parents experience it. Most adoption agencies don’t speak about it, in fact most adoptive parents are told nothing about this potential problem when going through the screening process. What happens when the adoption industry dismisses this common problem? How can we possibly avoid further failed adoptions?
In some cases of failed adoptions, children have been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, a term which I loathe because it places all the blame on the child – as if adoptees have a stubborn determination not to connect to their new environment! – as well as dismissing the consequences of what adoptees are being asked to overcome. In reality, adoptees are only trying to survive being taken out of their own culture, removed from any memory of their family and then extracted from their own language and ability to express themselves. These harrowing ordeals should not be taken lightly. However, adoptees are continually expected to ‘deal with it.’ They are asked to “acclimate and then love me,” eventually asking adoptees to eliminate the most human experience we all share – the moment of their entry into this world, the moment of birth.
Lately I have been thinking about a friend of mine who was adopted from Costa Rica the same time as me and my siblings. His name was Alberto. My brother and I visited him in North Carolina when I was 15. We admired him. He was an amazing soccer player, played violin and really made us laugh. I had a real crush. I had found a latino, aside from my brother, who could understand my language. I remember being great comrades. We commiserated about the racism we experienced and the lack of connection we felt with our family. He told us about his estranged relationhsip with his 65 year old single adoptive mother. I only spent a week with him but I sensed an emptiness in his heart. My brother and I went back to Ohio and he stayed in N.C. and we never heard from him again. A few years later, I found out he killed himself. I don’t know the details but I can’t help to think how lonely and isolated he must have felt in that community and it made me grateful to have been adopted with my natural brother.
I wonder who thinks about Alberto now. It’s been 25 years since his death. His adoptive mother passed away a few years ago. Does his family in Costa Rica think about him? His natural mother? After interviewing so many natural mothers in Costa Rica. I believe with all my heart she does. I wish Alberto could have had the opportunity to meet his Costa Rican family. I wish he had the chance to feel their unconditional love.
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ImaginaryMothers' Blog 
