An Alaskan Adventure and a Broken Bone

We just got back from an Alaskan cruise with my immediate family (no kids allowed). It was a blast! But before I get to that, a few life updates real quick.

First, my hormone levels are finally back to normal (yay!). So now it's more waiting to see how much my tumor shrinks. I'll get another MRI in March, and from there we can determine what we want to do concerning starting a family.

The middle of June, Jonathon and I moved to Ammon, Idaho, and started new jobs (on the same day). God clearly knows what He's doing, because the timing couldn't have worked out better. I didn't know I had a job in Idaho until 4 days before we moved, and I started less than a week after finding out. It was fast, but perfect.

Jonathon is working at the Idaho National Laboratory in the middle of nowhere doing something with calibration. Don't ask me what that means. All I know is at least 90% of what he does, he can't tell me. Meanwhile, I started working as a financial aid coordinator at BYU-Idaho. HUGE career change. I'm definitely out of my element and am experiencing a big learning curve, which is frustrating but humbling. Sometimes I still wonder how I got the job, because most of the people working there studied business/accounting/finance. Meanwhile, I'm flaunting my English degrees, which are hardly relevant when it comes to dealing with federal funds. I can only attribute being hired to working at Murphy Business & Financial and helping with business valuations. Thank you, Marv.

Jonathon and I love being back in Idaho (though I think I love it more than he does). We forgot how friendly people could be ;) But we miss all our friends in Utah, so that has been a hard adjustment. Slowly we'll settle in, but it's always hard to start fresh.

Back to the vacation. Before we embarked on our cruise, we spent a couple days in Canada (Oh, Canada...). We flew into Victoria, B.C., toured the Parliament building in downtown, stayed in a lovely airbnb, and visited the Butchart and Butterfly Gardens before taking the ferry to Vancouver. Butchart Gardens were breathtaking. It reminded Jonathon and me lot of England.

The front of Parliament

With my brothers and dad

Dad with the in-laws

In Vancouver, we visited the Calipano Suspension Bridge and rode bikes in the water. So cool!

On our cruise, our first stop was Ketchikan. We went to Sacrament meeting and then toured the city and went to the famous Lumberjack show. We saw a lot of totem poles and bald eagles and learned a bit about the natives' heritage. It was probably my least favorite port, but it was still beautiful and a great introduction to Alaska.

I couldn't resist this Titanic pose at the front of the ship

The next day, we stopped at Icy Straight Point (Hoonah) and rode the world's longest zip rider. It was epic. We also walked a nature trail and Jonathon, Carrie, and I went to tribal dance show. At the end of it, Jonathon participated in a tribal dance with the natives.

This is where our adventure gets more exciting, in a painful way. After we boarded the ship again, Jonathon and I went to the top of the ship to look at the view. I was standing on a binoculars' stand when, in part due to the rain, slipped and landed wrong. I heard a crack and felt too much pain! Eventually, I was able to stand and walk (though painfully). I had my doctor brother check it out, and we all thought it was a bad sprain. Medical on the ship was closed, so we couldn't get any help until morning.

Right before I broke my ankle

The next morning, after breakfast around 9 am, Jonathon and I went to Medical to get ace bandages to wrap my sprain. They insisted I get x-rays (which I was not happy about. We had an excursion in an hour and I could walk, so just let me go already!). However, they wouldn't let us leave until I did the x-ray, which I only agreed to because they said since the accident happened on their ship, they were liable and would cover the cost.

After the x-ray, the doctor walked out with a look on her face like death had warmed over. She informed me I had a fracture and would need surgery, but because they didn't do surgery on the ship, I would need to go to the hospital in Juneau (which was where we were ported that day). After she left, I started crying because 1) I was going to miss my excursion seeing the glacier, and I was forcing Jonathon to miss it too, and 2) I was terrified of surgery.

Long story short, after much bureaucracy, I was transported to the hospital in Juneau where they took a million x-rays and determined I would probably be fine without surgery. My brother affirmed that I would be fine without surgery. They gave me a boot, some crutches, and I was on my way back to the ship. It was a process to get back on the ship, but finally, at 4 pm, we found ourselves at a cafe on the ship getting something to eat for the first time since breakfast.

In spite of the pain and missing my excursion and having a broken bone, I've felt very blessed through this experience. The blessings listed below are not mere coincidences:

1) The bone broken is the fibula, which is a non-weight bearing bone, hence why I was able to walk on it.

2) The break was clean and happened low enough in my leg that I don't need surgery (despite what the doctor on the ship told me).

3) The incident happened in Juneau where they had a hospital. Had it happened at any of the other ports besides Ketchikan, I would have been flown to a hospital in either Ketchikan or Juneau, and my vacation would have been over.

4) We were in port at Juneau until 9 pm, which gave us ample time to get everything taken care of. We didn't have to stress about missing our boat while at the hospital.

5) Since the incident happened on board, we didn't have to pay for anything at the hospital in Juneau.

6) Because of all the blessings listed above, we were able to continue our cruise, missing only Juneau.

After getting back to the ship, we debated going out and exploring Juneau a bit since we had until 9, but ultimately decided against it since it'd been a physically and emotionally exhausting day already. We have no pictures of Juneau, though from what we saw, it was lovely.

The next day we were in Skagway, and we went on a tour through White Pass summit and crossed over into Canada to visit the Yukon suspension bridge. This time I did not cross the bridge since I was on crutches, but it was very picturesque and I enjoyed the excursion nonetheless.

The last day was a cruising day, where we stopped at Glacier Bay and saw Hubbard glacier. So neat! Seeing it made me not feel as bad for missing the glacier in Juneau. We got to see ice break off and fall into the water, which sounds like thunder (they call it white thunder). It was freezing, but gorgeous!

There's a glacier behind us!

Our cruise landed in Seward, where we took a 2.5 hour bus ride to the airport in Anchorage. When I wasn't asleep, the scenery was beautiful.

Initially, I wasn't too keen to go to Alaska, but the scenery surprised me and I would go back in a heartbeat. In spite of breaking a bone, it was wonderful vacation, and spending it with my family made it even better. The only sad part was not having my mom physically with us, for this vacation was for her to begin with and I know she would have loved every minute of it.

We Determine How We Behave

I wanted to write the last few months but didn't know what to say. Recent life events have left me speechless in regards to writing something meaningful. Many things that once seemed to matter didn't any more, and those few things left that did still matter were too close to my heart to share. While grief, depression, and pain encompassed everything I felt the last few months, I felt like other people had already expressed my sentiments better than I ever could.

However, after interactions with some varying people the last few weeks, including an hour long chat with one of my students today, I've discovered an issue I have strong opinions.

Behavior.

I can't count how many times I've heard people say something like "That's who I am/that's how I was born/my issue is genetic, so I can't change." Or "I'm/I have _______ and therefore can't do __________."

I thought the whole point of the gospel was to change--to become like Christ. Yes, we all have challenges--even some that we are born with. And because we all experience these challenges, we have a Savior who will help us: "He shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind....and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels will be filled with mercy" (Alma 7:11-12).

However, we can't rely solely on the Savior to make up for our challenges, weaknesses, infirmities: "For we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23, emphasis added).

The Lord told Moroni, "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before, and have faith in me, then I will make weak things become strong until them" (Ether 12:27).

We are given life's challenges, including physical/emotional/mental disabilities, to learn and grow from them, and ultimately it's up to us to decide what to do with them.

In talking with my student today, he told me of a study he read that said those who have anxiety/depression and achieve success do so because they don't view their anxiety/depression as a limitation.

It's been 10 years since I was diagnosed and prescribed medication for anxiety and depression. I have definitely had those days where I've accomplished literally nothing because I've been so overwhelmed or so sad. I've had days where I've spent all day in bed with no motivation and even taken a couple sick days for my mental health. In spite of these (sometimes poor) decisions, I firmly believe what I told someone a few months ago: I don't allow my anxiety or any of my other health issues to act as an excuse to get out of things. When it all comes down to it, I still have the ability to choose what I do--I will not let my health problems define who I am or what I can do. With that, I need to take responsibility when I do allow my struggles to get the best of me. My anxiety doesn't make me do (or not do) anything. I choose to do (or not do) things, and my anxiety plays a role, but I'm working hard to not let my anxiety dictate my choices and acknowledge when I do.  

I love what Elder Renlund said last General Conference about behavior. While he was talking specifically about sinning and the repentance process, I think it can also apply to any type of decisions we make. "Minimizing our mistakes," and I would assert behavior, "even if no immediate consequences are apparent, removes the motivation to change. This thinking prevents us from seeing that our mistakes [and behavior] have eternal consequences."

He also talked about blaming others, which again, I think can be applied to our personal challenges. Blaming our challenges, "even if justified, allows us to excuse our behavior. By so doing, we shift responsibility for our actions to others. When the responsibility is shifted, we diminish both the need and our ability to act. We turn ourselves into hapless victims rather than agents capable of independent action."

I grew up with the mentality that I could become whoever I wanted to be. I'm introverted, and I had (and sometimes still do have) a hard time talking to people. I hate small talk. But I was always told growing up "Kandace, you need to say hi to people. You need to reach out. You need to make an effort to get out of your comfort zone. You can't expect other people to come to you and be your friend. You need to be a friend to them."

I didn't win the Interview portion of Jr. Miss because I have a natural talent of communicating in front of people. I worked for 2 months with my dad in trying to master the skill. There were tears. There were frustrations. There were moments when my dad thought "Is she ever going to get it?" I could have let my natural shy inclinations get the better of me. But I didn't. I had a desire to change my behavior so I could become better. 

In his October 2013 General Conference address, President Nelson said, "We can change our behavior. Our very desires can change. How? There is only one way. True change--permanent change--can come only through the healing, cleansing, and enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ....He allows you access to His power as you keep His commandments, eagerly, earnestly, and exactly. It is that simple and certain. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of change!"

If we don't know how to change, if we don't know how to become better communicators, how to step outside of our shell to talk to someone, how to stop yelling at our spouse or children, how to stop judging, belittling, or critiquing others, we need to stop excusing those behaviors and just try. Change doesn't happen overnight, but when we humble ourselves, make conscious efforts to improve ourselves, and rely on the Savior's Atonement, we can become the people we are destined to be.