A friend often calls to vent about a relative or a work situation. She asks my advice, which is usually along the lines of, “let it go,” “stay in your lane” or “adjust your expectations,” to which she usually responds, “Yes, but….”

I am not sure why she asks what I think because she seems so certain in her chosen course of action.

Occasionally, though, she will call to tell me she followed my advice, which always surprises me. “You think I don’t listen,” she says, “but I do.”

She reminds me of the Parable of the Two Sons (Matthew 21:28-32), where a father asks one son to go work in the vineyard, and the son says “no” but then changes his mind and goes. The father asks a second son, who says “yes” and then does not go.  

The first son is the one who did the father’s bidding, and the takeaway is that what we do is more important than what we say.

We have a variety of expressions related to this behavior: 

• Actions speak louder than words

• Talk is cheap

• Talk the talk and walk the walk (or walk the talk)

• Practice what you preach

You get the idea.

I am not above a “yes, but…” of my own, and when I hear those two words come out of my mouth, I know I am caught up in some kind of denial or resistance. It is a case of wanting what I want and not being willing to look at something from a different perspective. My “yes, but…” means “I can see what you are saying is valid, but I want to….”

The “but” negates the first part of the sentence.

As in the Parable of the Two Sons, the important thing is to be consistent in our speech and actions, or as Matthew puts it: “Let your ‘yes’ mean ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ mean ‘no’” (Matthew 5:37).

Saying “no” can be difficult because we may not want to disappoint another or we may want to protect an image of ourselves. We may like to think of ourselves as cooperative and agreeable, so we say “yes” when we mean “no” just so the person asking something of us perceives us as helpful.

I remember learning that “no is a complete sentence,” although it took me years to believe it (and tons of practice). I went from saying “yes” and meaning “no” to saying “let me think about that” and finally to “no.”

I have always liked the “yes, and” of improvisational comedy, and I have tried to replace my “yes, but” with “yes, and.” If nothing else, it forces me to pause and consider what came before the “but.”

As I enter this new year desiring to have my heart reshaped into a move loving, compassionate, forgiving heart, I will pay more attention to when I am saying “yes, but” and strive to let my “yes” mean “yes” and my “no” mean “no.” Words and consistency matter.