I work for a medium-sized bank. I have been recently assigned a new Manager. This Manager is a lot stricter than my previous one. She wants everything to be perfect: making happy customers, the policies and procedures to be followed the way they should, and the representatives achieving their targets, meeting and exceeding the customers’ demands NO MATTER WHAT, because how dare you not make an upset customer happy by the end of the call?!

A week ago, I got a call from a senior customer who wanted an update on their statements (physical copy because they could not do online banking).

Caller: “Why have I not received my latest statement?”

I looked into their account details, and the statements were indeed sent out. Everything looked fine because we had the right address.

Me: “They have been mailed out. They might have been delayed because of snowstorms lately.”

I could have advised the customer to wait for another week and check again later, but if the customer calls back for the same issue, it will affect the team’s score, which my Manager will definitely dislike.

Me: “I will arrange for new copies of the statements to be mailed out. The bank charges $5.00 for statement reprints. I will have to charge the reprint fees and then make a reimbursement for the same amount, as you never received the statements in the first place.”

Caller: “That’s fine.”

I got their consent to charge them the above-stated fees, proceeded to make the case request, issued the statements, and made the reimbursement. I could sense the customer was happy by this point in time. He thanked me for all my assistance. I wrapped up the call and proceeded with the rest of my day.

Seconds after I clocked out, I got an email from my manager, saying my bonus would be deducted for the month because I did not charge the fees. The email also mentioned it cost the bank $5 for my mistake. I got my bonus docked for literally doing everything that my manager and the customer wanted.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank] customer service. How may I assist you today?”

Caller: “Yeah, so I got a haircut today, and I don’t like it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you’re calling [Bank].”

Caller: “Yeah, I know. I paid for the haircut using my [Bank] card.”

Me: “Okay, and what did you need my assistance with?”

Caller: “I already told you, I don’t like my haircut. I want the money back that I spent on it.”

Me: “So you wanted to dispute the charge?”

Caller: “No, because I still wanna go back there to get my nails done. They do really good nails, just not haircuts.”

Me: “I’m not following, ma’am.”

Caller: *Scoffs.* “Oh my God, keep up! I can’t cancel the charge with them as that would be soooo embarrassing and I could never go back there, but I wanna go back there, so I was kinda hoping that [Bank] could just give me the money back.”

Me: “You want [Bank] to credit your account with the amount you spent on your haircut, without claiming the money back from the hair salon?”

Caller: “Yeah! Now you’re getting it!”

Me: “We can’t do that, ma’am.”

Caller: “Yeah, you can!”

Me: “No, we can’t. You’re essentially asking for [Bank] to pay for your haircut.”

Caller: “Well, yeah! You’re a bank! You got lotsa money!”

Me: “That’s not how it works, ma’am.”

Caller: *Long drawn out sigh.* “God, all you banks are the same! All you care about is money!” *Click.*

Well, I mean… yeah?

Customer: *Wandering in looking confused.* “So, uh, I just tried to get money from your ATM outside, and it didn’t work.”

Me: “Oh, is it not working? It seemed fine this morning.”

Customer: “It was saying I had insufficient funds.”

Me: “Oh, well, that means that you’re trying to withdraw more than you have in the account.”

Customer: “But how? I haven’t spent anything! This is the first time I’ve tried to withdraw cash in months!”

Me: “You haven’t had any payments coming out from the account?”

Customer: “No, I’ve been very careful to only use my checks.”

Me: “You’ve been making payments by checks?”

Customer: “Yeah, but those shouldn’t be costing me anything as it’s a free checking account!”

Hoo boy…

A customer is calling a help line for 401k’s.

Caller: “Yeah, my full name is [Full Name].”

Me: “Sir, I—”

Caller: “—My account number is [Account Number].”

Me: “Sir, I—”

Caller: “My password is [Password].”

Me: “Sir, I don’t need that just yet. I just need your social security number and the third, sixth, and eighth characters in your password.”

Caller: *Freaks out.* “I’m not telling you my social out loud! I’m in a busy coffee shop!”

Me: “Perhaps you can call later when you’re in a safer place to discuss your personal finances.”

Caller: “I can discuss them now, but I’m not giving you my social!”

Me: “Then I can’t help you, sir. Please call back when you’re able to provide it.”

Caller: “Fine. It’s ubOnube Thrubeube Nubinube—”

Me: “—Sir, stop, I don’t understand.”

Caller: “I’m giving it to you in Ubbi Dubbi.”

Me: “…Sir, I need it in English. Please call back if you’re uncomfortable saying it out loud.”

Caller: “Can I type it in?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Caller: “You can get the number from the sound of the dial tone!”

Me: “Sir, please call back if you can’t say it out loud.”

Caller: “Okay, fine, but what you’re asking is really unsafe!”

Me: “Sir, you already told the whole coffee place your full name, account number, and password, a password that should never be shared with anyone I might add, even me.”

Caller: “Exactly! You think I’d be stupid enough to give them my social too?!” *Click.*

Related:
Social Insecurity, Part 10
Social Insecurity, Part 9
Social Insecurity, Part 8
Social Insecurity, Part 7
Social Insecurity, Part 6

Caller: “I need to complain!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Please tell me what specific part of your banking service is not meeting your standard so that I can forward you to the correct department?”

Caller: “I just got my mortgage statement from you, and you’ve spelled principal wrong on it!”

Me: “How is it spelled on your statement?”

Caller: “Principal! P-R-I-N-C-I-P-A-L! It should be principle! Like P-R-I-N-C-I-P-L-E!”

Me: “Ma’am, principal, spelled P-R-I-N-C-I-P-A-L, is the correct spelling in this context. It means—”

Caller: “—No! It’s P-R-I-N-C-I-P-L-E! Like paying my mortgage is the correct thing to do, it’s the principle of the thing!”

Me: “No, ma’am, principal, P-R-I-N-C-I-P-A-L, means the total loan amount. It’s a—”

Caller: “—No! That’s not a word! I know English! It’s principle, and I want to talk to someone who can fix it!”

Seeing that I am getting nowhere here:

Me: “Okay, I’ll send your feedback to where it needs to go.” *Which is no one.* “Is there anything else I can help you with, ma’am?”

Caller: “I’d like to know how much I am going to be compensated for telling you about the error.”