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Archive for the 'Adopt?' Category

Apr

Additions subtractions and such

By nycphoenix 6 Comments

Categories: Adopt?, In/fertility Thoughts and work

couples therapy

home buying

saving money

joining a hospital obesity program

applying for seminary

whether we do IVF #3 with my eggs or donor eggs

whether I even want to continue to TTC

why Mikey grabbed a brochure for foster care

The newest with Sis and the Nephews and the Mami and the Baby Sis

How Screwed I Am in the family department and how it is impacting my decision to continue the TTC road.

Unsung Lullabies Chapter 8 and 9

The latest on the new job becoming the old job and such

The last strike out has to do with the recent machinations of the new job and how it is not working for me. I was reoffered the position I turned down to take this job and I said yes. Because of security issues (I need background checks done to work with a vulnerable population), I won’t be able to start till May 1. Broke the news to the ED; she is devastated. Nice woman but not the most effective when it comes to Human Resource Management. She could use someone to come in and clean house and be her bad cop so she can concentrate on finding money like all EDs

Now about TTC. I change my mind sixty times a day. I think about the new insurance I will receive. Then I think that I can’t keep shortchaging my career by focusing soley on my benefits and the ups and downs of a TTC cycle. And I think about how I am now a woman of advanced maternal age with diminished ovarian reserve and how it would feel to have another craptastic IVF result. Then I think about how we would ever come up with the money for a donor egg cycle because even if I can cajole something from the state and from the insurance company it still looks like we would have to come up with 10-15K. And then I think about going through foster-adopt but by the time we get a 2 bedroom house/apt/coop/condo to qualify and do the rest we are going to feel too old to parent. And then I think about private adoption but again that’s still money we have to find and I have some real insecurity issues about how any birth mother is going to pick us with the Family Tree Rot that I have. Then I think about that it may just be better to live child free and give our love to church, each other, and our chosen family. Then I think about that Mikey and I are on such shaky ground that I should put my mind on either fixing us or moving on and not add a child to the equation.

Nov

We’re masochists.

By nycphoenix 3 Comments

Categories: Adopt?

So yeah I think we all agreed if you don’t have something interesting to post then don’t post anything at all. And trying to do something such as NaBloPoMo the same month as three major events was a mistake.

Things are winding down at the job. I’m trying to catch up with everything so my successor doesn’t pull their hair out when they come in like I did. Mikey and I are doing fine. This Saturday is a flea market fundraiser at the job followed by dinner with my dad for his birthday. Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday are “swim team” days.

You know I think my willingness to go with the futility of KD inseminations rather than filling out the adoption application pretty much indicates where my heart lies. This is in no way a reflection on those who chose that option but the desire just isn’t there for me.

I feel guilty and I feel stupid for choosing this more painful and risky path but I have to be honest with myself. So we continue with the KD until we figure out how we can afford an IVF with my egg or a donor egg.

Nov

I’m fine. Really.

By nycphoenix 4 Comments

Categories: Adopt? and In/fertility Thoughts

Considering I had to go back to my archives to remember when I inseminated should give you a clue on how much thought I’ve put into this cycle. So I felt nothing when the predicatable result came up.

I’m still torn whether to continue this path. I have little enthusiasm for it. I feel like I’m giving false hopes to KD. And I am 35 years old. My already aging ovaries are now starting their kamikaze freefall to their inevitable end.

We talked about the elephant in the room. New job. New insurance. Strangely, Mikey brought it up. She wants whatever is going to work. I want to not feel any more heartbreak. And I don’t know what that means yet. My ambivalence about adoption, coupled by Mikey’s trauma about what happened at the orientation has pretty much decided that path for us.

Nice test. Wish I had stolen some more. My first +/- cassette test as opposed to the usual two lines result.

Sep

Confession

By nycphoenix 7 Comments

Categories: Adopt?, In/fertility Thoughts and The God thing

Thank you all for the comments about the egg donor stuff. I crunched numbers and best case scenarios, (getting grants, some insurance, collecting meds) and figured that we can cut that price tag in half. So there I was with a calculator and looking at old receipts, when my bastard friend (mentioned in several past posts who has been a real support througout this time) grabbed my hands and looked at me in the eyes.

“All this money for a chance. Not a guarantee, a chance. Sophia, there are babies ready to be born and who could be in your arms in a year more or less. Why are you torturing yourself like this. Why are you not accepting God’s Will?”

And that’s the crux of it. No matter what I say, what I pray, how often I try to Let Go and Let God, there’s this part of me kicking and screaming on the floor, Why Why Why?!?!

I know God has something wonderful planned for me, for Mikey, for all of us. I know and believe that God’s love is always right there next to me and all I have to do is open my heart and I can feel God’s strength. I don’t believe God makes bad things happen to people. I made the decision to deviate from Him when I picked up that drink when I was ten. I made the decision to start and stay in physically abusive relationships. But I had nothing to do with my ovaries being what they are. And I will not accept God wanted us to go through three years of pain.

But then again I have a part in this too. I could have stopped at any time. I knew, I had a feeling from Day 1 that I had a problem. And try after try, the thought would get louder and louder, but I would just shut my ears, grit my teeth, grab for the next pill, next injection, next donor hoping for a different result. God didn’t do that. That was me, my pride, my trying to control the process and the result. Is that any different than the alcoholic who changes jobs, houses, liquors hoping for a different results? Could it be that God was putting that thought in my head, again and again, hoping that I would shift my thinking? That I should have thought about adoption at least a year ago instead of banging my head on the IVF wall?

Every day its a leap of faith to pray for the willingness to accept my very real infertility to let go of the desire to be pregnant and hold on to the desire to be a mother. Because until I do that, the application will just sit on top of my printer staring at me while I write here.

Sep

The Orientation Derailment

By nycphoenix 6 Comments

Categories: Adopt? and In/fertility Thoughts

Ok the rundown:

Donors recruited, 28 page application, several interviews, physical exams, committee acceptance.

Recipients: Application, interview, wish list, SHG, bloodwork, maybe an EKG if something is of concern. (if over 40, then a lot more medical exams)

Totally anonymous matching. If matched, then its on the Pill to synch the cycles, then donor does stims while I do estrogen. Donor has to have stims done by clinic. I get general updates but they try to discourage hard number updates (follies, E2, uterine lining) so as not to stress the recipient. (HA!)

They do retrieval and then I come in for transfer. Hope for a 5 day but be ready for a 3 day. beta 10-12 days later.

Still felt angry but not like the adoption orientation. I was almost enthusiastic until…

28,000

8k is donor fee. Some insurance may pick up some costs. State grant may cover some costs. Will work with known donors. But that’s still 20K

Sep

MacGyver at the Orientation Express

By nycphoenix Leave a Comment

Categories: Adopt?

Forgot to give this little tidbit of humor. During the break, a group of us were in the bathroom. One woman couldn’t get out of the stall. A couple investigated. It was definitely stuck. No amount of jiggling and turning could get the door open. During our efforts, Stuck Inside Woman realized that there was a sign on the stall door saying “Do Not Lock”

The receptionist came in with a letter opener, thinking to use it as a screwdriver. It ws too weak to turn the screw. I took the letter opener and began to pick the lock. A minute later, Stuck Inside Woman was free.

She hugs me and laughs, “So will this go against me at the application”?

I answered: “I don’t know. I wonder if my ability to pick locks will go against or for me?”

It was a good laugh.

Sep

The Orientation Express

By nycphoenix 9 Comments

Categories: Adopt?, Fire Extinguisher Needed and In/fertility Thoughts

Ok so I’ve waited long enough to give you all the rundown on the orientation. So first we start with the facts:

Start with two families who adopted. One chick was so talkative I wanted to put the orientation packet in her mouth. Same scenario: happy marriage, infertility struck, decide to adopt.

The rundown: 100$ application. Acceptance to home study group. $1500 deposit. Five meetings, three group meetings at agency, one solo mtg with social worker, and then the home visit. Home study approved, 50% minus the $1500 of fee paid (sliding fee based on both incomes), create letter to birth mother, personal album and 2 page profile for larger album. Wait. Birth mother chooses you and you meet and decide level of openness (they don’t do closed adoption). All goes well, you get child, birth mother signs paper (and has 30 days to change her mind) and its over. Rest of fee one month after placement.

The slight downsides: they tow the party line about “You have to DONE with the biological TTC journey.” They say gay couples usually take longer to place. And if we go with Hispanic only then we deal with possible cultural wide bias. Very rare to have a Puerto Rican baby. And by my calculator the fee is about the same price as IVF #3 but a little less than a donor egg cycle.

Now the feelings. When I first started to go to AA I remember looking around the room and thinking: How the fuck did I get here? I was angry at myself for letting my drinking get out of control and for and resentful of the world because they can have fun and drink and I have to be stuck in some church basement. Needless to say I had to relapse and come back crawling to get rid of that attitude.

Well that was the feeling I felt throughout the orientation. No excitement, not even anxiety or fear. I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes at the albums being past seeing the backyard and the dog and the huge family gatherings. When the social worker stated that albums were not about “selling yourselves” I turned to Mikey and said “bullfuckingshit”. Later I joked I was going to commission my more artisitic gay friends from church to make our album.

Looks like I have a chip on my shoulder. A chip about the size of a 200lb pregnant Latina. The image I had for myself before my ovaries decided to give up the ghost.

When I was about 22, a local science museum had an exhibit on human development and as a cut hands on thing they created this smock that had stuff attached to it to mimic a seven month pregnant body. I put on the smock and giggled and laughed as I saw my form in the mirror, and tried to pick up an item from the floor.

If I had known then what I know now I would have taken the smock home. That may have been the only time I would have known what it feels like to be pregnant.

Sep

Delayed Reaction Post

By nycphoenix 2 Comments

Categories: Adopt? and Random stuff

I make plans and God laughs. Here’s how Saturday went:

10-1: Orientation. during orientation mysterious number shows up on Mikey’s phone. Phone ignored till end of orientation.

1:00: In a long line to hand in form and speak to social worker. Mikey calls mystery number.

Mikey ran away from home when she was 17 years old when she could no longer abide by her father’s authority or be part of a conservative church. She met Mimi, an “old” butch (She was 23) who took her in, fed her, clothed her and protected her from the pitfalls of being a butch dyke on the streets. They have remained in touch throughout the years. In the past few years, Mimi became gravely ill with diabetes.

The call was Mimi’s partner. Mimi died at noon.

1:00-1:30 Full blown hysterics. Quickly ushered to another room for privacy. Calls to pastor.

1:30-1:45: Conversation with social worker. She stated that I had to be sure I was DONE with fertility treatments before I go any further and stated that GLBT couples usually take longer and if we are insistent on Latino babies then we have to deal with the general conservative beliefs of most Latinos.

2:00: Extend car reservation till midnight and give up my committment to chair meeting.

2-5:00: Pickup sister in law and father and drive to New Jersey to find the grave of a four month girl who would have been my 17 year old niece by relationship who died before there was HAART.

5:00-8:00 Have dinner, drop off father, go home change and meet sister in law’s friends for dessert at silly theme restaurant.

8:00-11:00: Have dessert, hang out for a bit, then drop off car and train it home.

Passed out by midnight.

So needless to say there has to be another post about the actual orientation.

Sep

Butt, meet pin and needle

By nycphoenix 3 Comments

Categories: Adopt?, Random stuff and The AA thing

Actually my butt has met several needles in the past three years but now here I am sitting on the proverbial pins and needles waiting for Saturday to come so I can have a whirlwind day of:

10-1 Orientation at an adoption agency

1-2 Inhale a snack

2pm Pickup zipcar and sister-not legal-in-law and drive down to father’s house in NJ to then drive some more to visit grave of the four month old girl whom would have been my not legal niece if there wasn’t a thing such as The Disease I Hate to Mention.

7pm Drop off Zipcar

8pm Chair a meeting for someone who is galavanting at some gay boy sober convention.