It’s not Abuse.

(Trigger warning, ya think?)

I read an article in my wife’s Woman’s Studies book called, “Not Rape“.

The idea was this. Basically the world is complicated and most people are simple, so instead of looking at the world as it is, they look at the world through the lense of a big story, their “narrative”. The narrative about rape is that it is really, really bad. But the narrative is also that only a man in rapist glasses and public masturbator trench coat who grabs blond-haired blue-eyed 17-year-old cheer-leaders out of parking garages is a “real” rapist.  Everything is else is “not rape”.  The problem is, about 96% of the 1 out 3 woman who are sexually assaulted is a victim of “not rape”, and as such has vastly less legal and cultural validity in her experiences.

I’ve never been raped.  Which is great. It hits about one out of 30 guys.  I don’t want to say my experiences are “just like” rape or anything else.  It really pisses me off when people do that. My experience are not “just like” anyone’s. Everybody knows abuse is screaming at your kids, and throwing shit at them, and punching them in the face, and stuff like that.  That’s the narrative. What happened to me falls outside that, so what happened to me is “not abuse”.  My parents never threw things at me, never screamed obscenities at me.

My mom just stood by while my dad:

Low crawled into our rooms to wake us up by putting a gun beside our heads and cocking it. “What was the make and model of that gun?  “Come on, son, your life could depend on being able to do this.”  EVERYBODY knows, real abuse involves a gun pointed at you.

When we we’re told to shut the lights off when ever we suspected a government sniper in the hills around the house so they couldn’t silhouette us against the window.  EVERYBODY knows, real abuse involves being screamed at, not quietly reasoned with.

When he would wrestle with us, and as soon as he started to lose, he would stretch thumbs, ears, and ankles to their stretching point, not the breaking point, just the point were the tendons were fully stretched and the joint hurt.  But he never left a bruise or any soreness that lasted for more than a few minutes.   EVERYBODY knows real abuse leaves bruises.

Taught us to make garrotes out of old guitar strings. Taught us how to kill with mounted bayonet.  The proper way to slit a throat (pierce through the larynx the saw out through the jugular while holding your hand over the mouth.)  In fact we were always outside with dad, or working with dad in his den, unloading shells, and constantly hand loading new ones, so that when the Soviet Army under the Anti-Christ attacked the US we would have plenty of rounds.  EVERYBODY knows real abuse never happens during abnormal things in normal bonding time.

Ultimately,  EVERYBODY knows that I went through wasn’t abuse. It was “not abuse”.

Inarticulate Rage

Power corrupts and total power corrupts totally.

It’s one of those thing which is not only complete and utter bullshit, it is the sort of dangerous complete and utter bullshit that ends up lining people’s backs up against the wall.

If something is true, then the double opposite should be true as well.  Example: 

Murder is bad and mass murder is very bad so the opposite should be…saving a life is good, and saving a lot of lives is very good.

See, the double opposite is till true. The opposite of taking a life is saving a life, and the opposite of bad is good.  So applying that formula to “Power corrupts and total power corrupts totally” we get…

Powerlessness purifies, and total powerlessness purifies totally.

Um…thats pretty much an apology for rape and abuse. 

In fact, if you hate power…you hate freedom. Because freedom means having power over yourself. To say “people should have less power” is to say…whether you realize it or not, that SOME people should have less power and some should have more.   In the person world this is an apology for rape and abuse. In the political world it is apology for tyranny.

People don’t need less power, they need more. Not less control over their own lives but more. The only thing that is needed is transparency.  Now this statement:

Unaccountability corrupts and totally unaccountability corrupts totally

Can be made a double opposite and still work.  People should be accountable for their behavior, but they should total power.

TEST WEEK

So my opressor…I mean employer has decided that I need to have my monthly fat check, run around in circles, push heavy things. This is also finals weeks and I have 14 pages worth of papers due.

Nice.

MISANTHROPY

So I just wrote about how much I hate everyone. In the process of looking up the word “Misanthropy” for spelling, I read the definition Wikipeida.  I already knew what  a misanthrope was, somebody who hates everyone, but I’d never really learned the history of the term. Plato said no truly solititary man is truly human, he is either god or beast. The human being is a social animal, deprive him off all meaningful social contact and he begins to cease to be human. 

Well, good. Glad we worked that out.  I haven’t seen my wife, daughter, or anyone I give a damn about since January 11th.  I am completely friendless here. What’s pathetic or sad or something is the fact that my entire crew, all 9 of them is positive I am their friend.  I’m not. I don’t know what sort of meaningless existence they’ve led up till now but my standards for friendship are wee bit higher being forced to hang out with them for 72 hours a week.  “Friend” is a title I call people who would spring me out of prison, not people who I can occasionally share a laugh with.

7 more weeks of this abstinence and absurdity.

Stupid Humans

I’m so sick of being human.  I’m so sick of their cruelty and ignorance.  I’m so tired of their worship of fear.  I wish I didn’t have to claim them. I wish everyday I’m alive wasn’t an apology for their studied viciousness.  Can I start a little commune for people that I actually like?

Atheism is a religion (to me)

I realized something today. 

I’m not an atheist because it’s rational.

Note, I’m not saying it isn’t rational to disbelieve in the divine.  It is rational to doubt extrodinary claims made without evidence.  It is certainly rational, and healthy not to think the nature of belief can fundementaly change physics, biology, or statistics for you.    Finally, I’m sure there are those out there who reject the God hypothesis on totally rational grounds, they way they reject any other hypothesis which simply doesn’t work.

That catagory includes me.  I don’t reject the person of God.  Maybe such a person, or a very similar person to the one I heard about exists.   I reject the god hypothesis.  The god hypothesis is a method of explaining certain things, and find other hypothesis more reasonable.  But, I must confess while I enjoy all the fruits of atheism: freedom, rationality, clear mindedness, etc.  the perfectly rational reasons to reject the god hypothesis are only a part of why I am an atheist.

I’m an atheist because something in my heart says there is no god.  It always has.  At least part of the wonderful things I’ve experienced since I became an atheist come from being true to myself and following my own dreams and desires instead of other peoples.

To my fellow atheist, I apologize.  I know you hate it when people say “Atheism is just another kind of faith.”  You’re right, it is not. It’s just…for me personally…there is a degree to which my motivation is not rationalism but the lovely clarity and beauty I see in a universe with rules.  The beauty of a universe with fundemental rules for all contrasts to the ugliness of a world of certain people who get live life in cheat mode because they knew the right god or right way to stroke his/her/its ego.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

My mom, the schizophrenic cunt (tell me she means well, I dare you) decided that since I was too dumb to read the Bible she sent me, she would dumb it down and send me a nice picture one instead.

Only, it’s not nice…it’s an gross old beat-to-hell one she found at a garage sale. This is in addition to the teddy bear she already sent me. It’s pretty depressing to be that condescended too.

So one of my friends, a nice Satanist fellow, had the infantile idea of going through all those smarmy, horribly done oil painting that are in a Nelson Picture Bible…and drawing in punch lines and big veiny dicks. And I thought, meh…whatever. So I handed to him. The first picture he flips open to is Abraham about to sacrifice his only son because the voices in his head told him too. It’s this super overwrought piece which any ex-Christian would recognize instantly, with Abe’s head back and his mouth open like he’s singing a fucking opera, and the wood’s already on fire, and little Isaac is crying. And my friend, call him Chuck, draws this huge dick and giant hairy ball sack onto Abraham. I mean it’s huge, like it’s as big as Isaac. Because the pose the artist painted him in, his pelvis was already thrust out to throw the knife back anyway, it really looks intentional, as if all these years this kitschy, white-Hebrew Abraham in the painting was just waiting for a lordly cock and balls to finish up portrait. It fits perfectly.

I started laughing, and I can’t stop, because it make the story less grotesque. A man slaughtering his own son because the Voice said too? That’s tragic. A picture of man about to fillet his own barrel sized member instead? That’s silly…and more appropriate for the 7-11 year olds the book is recommended for. Another great work was the full page painting of Delilah trying to seduce a contrite Samson for the secret of his strength. In the original painting she looks trashy, with prominent nipples and aureoles poking through a sheer scarlet gown, while Samson looks constipatedly away. Chucks improvement? A word bubble for Delilah “Honey, I’m pregnant.” and a single word thought bubble for Samson, “Slut.”You can’t out smut the Bible. A trashy woman saying I’m pregnant while her henpecked husband thinks but does not say “Slut”, is so much less trashy than the real story: Samson, is X-man mutant who slaughters the enemies of the lord with anything he can find handy, but is undone by that trashy foreign woman he married AGAINST HIS PARENTS WISHES. If only he’d married a nice Jewish girl and been happy…

So…day by day, me, Chuck, and some other co-conspirators are rewriting the Nelson Picture Bible. It’s weirdly therapeutic. Like my rage at the church, my “Fuck you Zondervan, I want my fucking childhood back” feelings just sort of disappear. As I look at picture of this Caucasoid pharaoh holding a dead child, with the recent addition of leg sized dripping wang on the pharaoh, and strange black stain on the boy’s ass… “Dammit, I broke another one”.

 I just can’t help but laugh. Laugh for all the years I lied to myself to belief this shit, laugh at all the times I turned friends away because they weren’t a good influence, laugh at all the times I beat myself up for imaginary sins, laugh at all the times I cut myself to let the pain of constantly failing God run out of me.

My Life Story

This is part of larger paper I wrote for school.  I like the quality of it and thought I would turn it in for adoring fans.

To really explain effectively why I, a 29 year old, am a junior in correspondence college, I need to explain a little bit of my background.  My father is a Vietnam veteran who suffers from posttraumatic stress, which he self medicated with drugs and alcohol. My mother also suffers from posttraumatic stress, though from a rough childhood rather than combat.  My parents found solace from their PTSD and found each other in an arch-conservative Christian movement.  By the time I was 9 they had moved from the periphery of this movement to the dead center.  They made the decision to home school me and my sister reasons, some sound and some ideological ones which made sense to them and their peers, but to “outsiders” would seem bizarre or disturbing.  All of my schooling and all of my social interactions were intensely managed in accordance with this ideology.   

When I went to college the first time (as an 18 year old) it was to the college of my parent’s choice and not mine.  I’d qualified to enter MIT and entered a non-accredited private bible college a few hours from my parent’s home instead.  Having been actively discouraged from developing close friendships or dating, I found even that strict and controlled environment very strange and confusing.  I failed out after one semester, and worse (to my parents) had dated an “outsider” (one who did not share their identical interpretation of the Bible). 

Returning home, I was disillusioned and hurt by both my parent’s rejection and my moral and scholastic failure.  I found the basic skills of being an adult such as going to work on time and balancing a checkbook impossibly difficult.  I moved constantly always hoping things would be better at the next place.  Through this process, I got married, had a child, and produced a work history which made it absolutely impossible for me to get a good job.  Between about my 19th birthday and my 25th, I was simply…lost.

My last HealthCare Thingy

I haven’t talked about health care in awhile. Now the bill, such as it, is through. I just wanted to take another glance. I think everyone is looking at the wrong end of this.

*Is health care cost actually a problem? Yes, in three ways.

(1.) Health care expenses are the number one cause of bankruptcy.

(2.) Poor people are sicker and die sooner than rich people. Many of the reasons for that have to do with things like diet, and lifestyle. Very cheap food is rarely good for you, and occupational exposure to common carcinogens like secondhand smoke and motor oil are far more common at the bottom of the income ladder. You can’t rule out choice, and often, for whether poor decisions are caused by poverty or poverty causes poor decisions, poverty and bad decisions go hand in hand. However, adjusted for all that, the poor still get sick more often, with greater severity, and die sooner. The cause of this is NOT actual health care availability (For the most part, all hospitals have to take you, regardless of ability to pay.) Its the fact they don’t go to the hospital when they should, because they can’t afford the bill.

(3.) Value is utility/cost. If you get 10 units of utility for 1 unit of cost it’s very valuable. If you get one measure of utility for 10 measures of cost, your value is .1, and very poor. By comparing the cost of US health care to the cost of similar quality health care in other countries, the US falls short. France for instance, has comparable health care, and it cost 1/2 of what US health care does. Unless it is 1/2 the quality, French health care is better per dollar. ( I am including in this both what the French pay in private insurance, and the subsidization they pay to provide health care to the poor.) In fact, looking at every industrialized country on earth, the US has the least valuable health care.

*Having accepted that the US has the lowest value health care on earth, lets look at 2 common misconceptions.

The US has some of the finest health care on earth, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. The US also has the worst HEALTH (not health care) in the industrialized world. The US also has the most expensive health care on earth, bar none. These three facts are often looked at 2 at time as if one caused the other.

Statement 1: US health care is great because it costs so much.(Profit incentive for quality).
Statement 2: US HEALTH is bad because health care costs so much. (Cost disincentive for health).

Price is set by what the market will bear, not quality. Better things cost more because people, perceiving them to be better, will pay more, not because they necessarily cost more to produce. So the first statement is clearly false. That I am aware of, no scientifically rigorous study has ever been made demonstrating a link between health and cost of being healthy. (Scientifically rigorous means 2 large, comparable groups are studied: A test group and a control group, and that neither the group nor the researchers know what the study is testing for. The method and results of the study are then published for review by other researchers.) Common sense says there is a link between how healthy people are and how much it costs them to be so, but common sense says A LOT of things. Once upon a time, common sense said mental illness was caused by demonic possession and tooth decay was caused by dental worms. Common sense is called “common sense” and not “truth” or “scientific law” or “gospel” because it is none of those things. In fact, another name for “common sense” is “prejudice”. (Common sense also says there should be no deaths from smoking, because it says right on the side of the pack that it will kill you. Yet smoking is the number one cause of death, and people still smoke, some of whom are demanding cheaper health care, while they pay $30 a carton for cigarettes.)

*Let’s go over what we’ve learned.

(1.) The US has the lowest value health care because it’s utility to cost ratio is poor.
(2.) The argument that it has to cost a lot or no one would provide it is based on a false premise.
(3.) The argument there is direct link between American’s poor health and the cost of health care is based on a false premise.

*Regardless of quality, why does US care cost so much?

This is startling simply question to answer, which is answered in dazzling complexity and variance because there is a lot money to be made when the problems are complex and very little to be made when the problems are simple. Read up on this and you will find as many theories as there are theorists. Let me look at a single example: the US health care industry spends around 30% of its income on administration alone, the highest medical admin cost in the world. Thailand and France spend around 5%. That means the US medical industry in underperformed best practice by 600%. That doesn’t answer the question though, does it? Because US health care cost 200% more than those countries, not 30%. You will also hear litigation, and the cost of college mentioned. But if you run the percentages those things add into the cost of US health care, it simply won’t add up to 200%.

*US health care is really expensive because the market will bear it.

That’s it; the end. If US hospitals faced the chose of either making admin cost 5% of going broke, they would learn to make admin cost 5%. That’s how a free market works. Because American citizens are willing to pay twice as much as French citizens they are charged twice as much as French citizens. When the price of gas went from $1.80 to $3.60 was it because gas became twice as expensive to produce? Twice as much to transport? Twice as much extract? Was there suddenly half as much? No. The market would bear twice the price, so twice the previous price was charged.

*Free markets are supposed to use competition to increase quality and decrease price. How is possible command economies are beating free market ones on both quality and price? The debate on health care shows an enormous demand for cheaper health care, why isn’t it being met?

It’s called market failure. Looking again at the gas price going up, gas is far less than perfect market. The limited number of providers (about 3) and almost universal need for it make it function very much like a monopoly. However, even then, the price increase was temporary, and caused a reduction in demand which caused an immediate price reduction. Why is the highly imperfect gasoline market working, but the medical services market isn’t? Markets are about free exchange, thus they always take place in the context of government as it is the government which has monopoly on force. Beneath the surface of every market failure is two features:

(1.) The replacement of market forces with government forces
Examples of this include governments decided who gets insurance, how much it will cost them, and what level of assets insurance companies must keep relative to the value of their policies. (All done in the US.)

(2.) The replacement of government forces with market forces.
This happens when policy is drafted in accordance with the desires of the highest bidder rather than the majority. In the US this is called bribery and illegal at every level of government from the lowest cop on the beat to a supreme court justice. Unless the bribe is to an upper level elected official such as a congressman. Then it becomes “lobbying” and for some reason is seen as fair game.

Between the government regulating the medical industry, and the medical industry bribing the government, the medical providers are protected from free market forces, allowing them maintain what the market will bear at an artificially high level.

*Isn’t there anything we can do?

Absolutely. Regardless of political persuasion, call and write your congressman today and demand the total deregulation of the medical and insurance market sectors. Even if you take the view that we need limited or full socialization, the time to do that is after cut-throat competition has weeded out the incompetent and infective, while the lack of ability to buy political protection of any kind has destroyed the bribery infrastructure between the businesses and the policy witters.

ZOMBIE ATTACK!

For years, I’ve been bothered by the feeling that I was somehow different than other people.  Often, it felt alienating and lonely. Occasionally, it felt liberating, but I always felt it.  Admiting I was an atheist was a big help.  There is a logic and reason to my atheism, but a core level, I’m an atheist because in my heart, I know there is no God.
I started to struggle with the the god Jehovah when I was about 4.  Even then I could tell the Bible made claims which were false, or at best highly unlikely.  Years of indoctrination made me a very well informed and very miserable Christian.  Admitting to myself that I was an atheist was like throwing open a window into a stuffy, dark room.
However, it really just made the “Others” easier to bare, it didn’t make me one of them.
In fact, it made me more seperate from them than ever.  The only thing people find stranger that a religious person who actually struggles to believe their religion and stamp out hippocracy in their own heart, is an atheist person who actually struggles to believe a consistent world view and stamps out hippocracy in his own heart.  To Others, I went from being that creepy holy roller, to that humorous fellow who it is really too bad is going to burn in hell.

I’ve found that I was as deeply alone as Christian as I thought…because apparently I was the only Christian on Earth that was constantly challenged his faith, and was always looking for hippocracy in myself to stamp out.  For the vast, vast number of Christians it is something they say they are for…apparently…no reason whatsoever.  Honestly, I was jelous for awhile.  They got all the social benefit of being Christians: the instant moral validity, the warm fuzzies at the right articles in Reader’s Digest etc, but none of the suicidal depression of knowing everyday the sheer magnitude of their failure to feel and be who their Lord commanded.

It’s only been recently I’ve come to understand how this works.  The biblical author James had this to say “This is true religion, pure and undefiled in the sight of God, to look after widows and orphans in their time of need.”  For most Christians, that’s not religion. Religion is a collection of feelings at certain things.  Why anyone would want that, eluded me though.  My thoughts on two happenings have suddely clarified this for me.

I’ve been reading the comments at the end of new stories on yahoo news lately.  Its like a video of train wreck. You wanna look away, but you can’t.  Each poster seems to be hell bent to out do the ingorance of the previous poster.   There was story about recently about a study which might imply that junk food causes changes in neurochemicals which are normally associated with addiction.  The replies were…mind blowing.  I’ll put a link at the end of the article so you can gape in wonder yourself if you wish, but for the weak stomached, let me summerize for you…

#1.  This is just what we need! A study that says fat people are victims! Everybody knows fat people are fat because they are stupid, lazy, and eat too much.
#2.  Americans wouldn’t be fat if Obama hadn’t been elected.
#3.  People like these so called ‘scientists’ are ruining this country. There’s no personal responsibility anymore.
#4.  Maybe if Bush had spent more healthcare and less on this pointless war, there wouldn’t be so many  fat people.
#5. These scientists are like, stupid or something. People are fat because they don’t exercise and eat right. I know, because I used to be fat, but last month I started eating right and exercising, and now I’m REALLY losing weight
#6. God, guns, and guts made this country free, now Obama is trying to ruin our country by funding bogus studies to prove need COMMUNISM!. 
#7.  Junk food is addictive? DUH, they’ve known that for years! Big pharma has been in league with mass market food for 20 years, making us eat garbage.
#8. If the money that was spent of this study was given back to hard working Americans our economy wouldn’t be in such bad shape.
Ok, I think that’s enough.  Now the second thing was my coworkers pathological need for TV.  If the TV goes off, they freak out. Everytime I am the only person alone in the room I shut the TV off.  After about 2 weeks of this people started responding explosively.

“WHY IS THE GODDAMN TV OFF???”
“WHO KEEPS SHUTTING IT OFF???”

And I said “I turned it off because I wasn’t watching it, so it didn’t need to be on.”

I’ve also caused serious annoyance by shutting it off when people where doing other things.

“HEY, I was watching that!”

“No you weren’t,” I said “You were reading a magazine and checking your email.”

“Well, I was doing that AND watching the TV.”

Suddenly, it all becomes clear…they need it.  They really do. They need the TV. They need religion.  Because if someone or some thing isn’t telling them what to feel….they don’t feel anything.  All these ads, all these glossies, all these billboards, all these movies. They have to be inundated with other people telling them how to feel, what to like, what to dislike…all the time. 

I used to wonder how people elected Hitler. It’s not like he hid his plans…he wrote a fucking book about it.  Come to think of it, so did Marx. So did Mao. So did Che.
And…ready for this…that’s why they elected them.  They wanted destroyers.  Let me provide you some comman things I hear at work and see online

1.  Rape is funny.
2. We should punish petty criminals by cutting their hands off
3. We kill terrorists entire families to prevent terrorism.
4. Health care reform = communism
5. Retarded people should be executed.
6. Global warming is a communist plot by atheist scientists, purposefully lying, because they are working for Satan to bring about a one world government.
7. Evolution could possibly be true for ‘lower’ forms of life but not for us humans.
8. There’s no government like no government.

People work for their own harm. People who can’t afford healthcare fighting to keep it that way.  Petty criminals demanding stricter treatment for other petty criminals.  They don’t think, because they can’t.  All they have is feelings, but you have to be able to think to know your own feelings.  So….they have to be told what to think.  I understand now why I get the looks I do.  It’s not what I say.

If I stood upon a box and screamed “GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL!” followers would line up like so many sheep.  It is because I attempt to reason with the sheep.  I ask them why, I probe.  These are unforgivable crimes in every religion.  I’m not talking with them anymore.  You cannot communicate with animals, not really.  Sometimes you can teach them not to shit in the water they drink, or do clever tricks, but a conversation about Sartre with your dog will go awry quickly.

So…I make peace with it. It’s a world of zombies. I won’t call them beasts, because I’ve known many animals, dull compared to humans but exacting specialists in their own line of work.  No, to wander through the streets arms outstretched with an insatiable lust for brains (to consume, not to commune) well, that’s a zombie.

Now the question to my mind is…whats the best way to live with zombies?

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