Tag Archive | friends

Betrayal

Feb7

betrayal poembetrayal

She rolled out of the bed, shutting off the alarm. Thoughts immediately flood her mind. So many things to do today. The most important one being interviewing a young woman to fill the live in nanny position. She has been looking for a responsible nanny since her previous “super nanny” Margo, had to move to the East coast to live with her son and his family. She had been with them for 14 years, and was fabulous with her 2 children, 14 year old Sophie and 12 year old Stephen. Margo kept the house in order, made an occassional meal and helped with the kids homework when she was running late at the office.

Being a doctor is a wonderful profession, and has wonderful perks…but the hours can certainly take over your life…it certainly took over her marriage. The divorce was two years ago, but the pain still feels fresh. It was true that becoming a doctor and creating a thriving practice took up alot of her time. She worked hard to get here. Being a physician was her goal since second grade, when she had her tonsils removed. She was fascinated with her doctor and all his instruments! The blood-pressure cuff (sphygmomanometer), stethoscope, laryngoscope, otoscope and even just a simple thermometer…it all held so much wonder to her, even at the age of eight.

Her parents were strict. They were “pushers” pushing her to do this after school activity and that activity…pushing her to take AP classes…pushing her to eat right and exercise…pushing her to only socialize when necessary and only with the “appropriate” friends. So, it goes without saying, her teen years and college years, were all very academic oriented, with very few exciting events. Her life-long friend Brandy calls her whole life “Vanilla.” That pretty much explains it. Boring vanilla. But, in reality…living a vanilla life suited her. She wasn’t a risk-taker, she loves to learn, loves to read and research, loves to sit at home and cuddle on the couch with her family. Who needs sprinkles anyway?

At 5′ 1″ and 100 lbs, she is what the fashion industry has pegged as petite. Shoulder length blond hair and deep blue eyes and, as her friend Brandy says, “A complexion to kill for!” would pretty much complete her description. She was always described as a determined fighter by her mother. Sometimes more determined than was good perhaps. Once she set her mind on something, there was no stopping her.

When she first saw Scott…her determination definitely kicked in. She first laid eyes on him in the medical library of Vanderbilt teaching hospital here in Nashville. They were both in their first year of residency. He was tall, at 6’2″ he towered  over her. He had dark brown hair and big brown eyes…those eyes…they are what drew her to him. He could flirt with the best of them, she was not exactly shy, but having led her “vanilla” type lifestyle, she wasn’t a big flirt by any means. He came over to her table there in the library that day. Struck up a conversation about hematology, referencing a book she had laid out on the table about a blood-clotting disease called Antiphospholipid Syndrome. They talked for quite awhile about that particular disease and others before he paused and asked if she would like to go for coffee. She hated coffee. But…some icky flavored brown water was NOT going to keep her from continuing some conversation with this competely perfect man!

Perfect. Yea…not so much. Here she is 16 years later…the last five of which she knew Scott was having an affair. At first she couldn’t believe it. Scott would never do that to her or their family! But, the signs were there. She asked him one night after dinner, as Margo was putting the kids to bed, if he was seeing someone. He laughed at her and told her she was crazy. She dropped it, but after another call from him saying he was having another “late night” at the office, she couldn’t repress her instincts anymore. She became the woman she swore she never would. She started snooping on her husband. She would go thru his pockets, check his calendar, check his phone, but it was checking his computer that confirmed her suspicions. She clicked on a folder entitled “L” and there on the screen was a picture that caused her heart to jump right into her throat! It was Lisa. Scotts old girlfriend. She was a model, and the picture before her made that all too clear. But this was more than just beyond some “headshot” this was a fullly nude Lisa…and there were many of them. She stood staring, mouth agape. Her heart was beating so hard she could barely breathe. Her head was swimming. Why? Why does he have these photos of Lisa? They hadn’t seen each other in 15 years…or had they?

She began running the past few years in her head…was he having an affair with Lisa? Or just fantasizing…how recent are these pictures of her? Her head was spinning. Anyone but her! She had always felt insecure when it came to Lisa. She was this perfect looking woman, never had children so nothing was stretched out of shape on her! She was not the smartest woman, that’s for certain…why? She continued checking out Scotts computer for anymore evidence…THERE. There it was. Messages. Lots of them. He and Lisa have been conversing. He’s too stupid to delete his history. She read thru their messages quickly…they were having a full blown relationship. Worse…they discussed her and the children! That devastated her. To find out that Scott was with Lisa. He always said she meant nothing to him. She was just a “bimbo” he said.  He said the two years he spent with her, were the most miserable of his life…that she was vindictive and immature. But, evidently vindictive, immature bimbos were more his type. She confronted Scott with what she had found. He blamed her, blamed her long hours, said she was too boring for him….she was devastated. She went to confide what was happening to Brandy. She had trusted Brandy. But as she was explaining it all to her, Brandy dropped a bombshell. Scott was seeing many women, including her! She said it was a one time thing…but one time is all it takes in these matters, isn’t it?

She couldn’t believe that Brandy could betray her like this! She had been her best friend for as long as she could remember! How could Scott? How could Brandy? She had done so much for Brandy over the years! She had let her live with her rent free, she bought her and her daughter clothing and other items over the years, they came over every weekend to watch movies and have dinner or play boardgames…the betrayal by Brandy stung more than he one by Scott.

The anger has eaten at her since she had found out. She proceeded with the divorce and stopped communicating with Brandy. Brandy begged for her forgiveness, blamed it on alcohol and one night of weakness. The excuses weren’t gonna cut it. From either of them. During that time, she found out about so many lies. Lies by Scott, lies by Brandy. Brandy always talked so poorly of her family. She called them white trash. She claimed her mother was a drug addict/alcoholic. She said she may as well been raised by a pack of wolves. She claimed to have no-one in her life that cared about her. She made her feel so sorry for her and her baby girl. But, after finding out about all the lies, she then wondered if all those stories were also lies. She wondered what lies Brandy told her family about her?

How can people do those things to each other? She struggled with that question that past couple years. But she has decided now to make a fresh start. To not dwell on the betrayals by those closest to her. She focused on her children and her career. And she is happy. She recently met a man at work. They had been to coffee, she had developed quite a taste for it by now, and she enjoyed his company. The future was looking up.

The interview went well. She hired the new nanny. She let go of all the resentment and anger and mistrust that had accumulated over the years. But, she wonders…everytime a person is treated like she was, lied to and betrayed…how does one ever fully trust again? If the ones who profess to love you the most can treat you so badly…what can we expect from those who don’t know us at all? Or do people just have their own versions of the truth and feel they are doing nothing wrong when they lie to you? How do they live with themselves when they are scheming and making up lies? Do they have a conscience? She hopes to never have to feel that way again. She prays her children never know what it feels like to be betrayed by someone they love…but she knows that prayer will likely not get answered. It’s inevitable.

 

 

 

Again…just a flow & type story. Just practicing…thanks for reading!

Who are you?

Jan22

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Have you ever had the opportunity or time to reflect on who you are? Or about who the people you think you know are? How well do we know ourselves? How well do we know others?

In my heart, if I was to describe who I was, I would say this: I’m a kind, caring, empathetic, sympathetic, honest, reliable, concerned, intelligent, organized, animal loving, book loving, information loving, family oriented homebody who is learning to live with multiple debilitating chronic illnesses that are life threatening, while trying to do anything I can to remain a decent mother, wife, daughter and granddaughter for my family. I can be short tempered when I’m having a high-pain day. I get frustrated with myself easily when I can’t do simple tasks with the ease everyone else can. I am a people pleaser and try to do things to make other people happy. I feel things rather deeply and used to think everyone did. I used to enjoy getting dressed in a cute outfit and going out once in awhile, I still love clothes and purses. I don’t have a problem with being alone, but I do feel lonely. I’m trying to find my purpose in life. I struggle everyday with feelings of being a burden to others. I worry too much. I am a bit ocd with certain aspects of cleaning or how and where things should be. I love to laugh, laughing til I cried used to be my favorite feeling and I love the color pink.  That would be my view of me, that is how I would think others would describe me…but in reality, we never know how we look to others on the outside do we? Maybe someone else might describe me something like this:

A lazy, sickly, boring, nerdy, nosey, irritating, grouchy, cranky, worry wortish, neurotic, book-wormish, opinionated, snobbish, hermit, animal freak, know-it-all, anal bitch.

I don’t know. It’s like sometimes you think you think you know someone…and then they do or say things that totally make you wonder if you ever knew them? Then you begin to question your ability to really know people? You wonder if your judgement is that off? I’ve had instances where I would have a relationship with someone, whether romantic, friendly or familial, where I felt really close and connected with someone. Felt I really, really knew them. Felt I understood our feelings for each other. Only to have things come crashing in on me. Where it felt like one big sham. The person I thought I knew, turns out to be someone I didn’t know at all. Just as I’m sure people may have had similar experiences with me.

Sometimes these instances are more of a shock than others. Some people you really feel close to, like you know them or have known them your whole life. Then when they do something or say something to you or about you that hurts you, it really wrecks you deep in your soul.

It maybe just me, but I always thought that being close friends with people, meant you were in frequent contact, dropped in for coffee, sat and watched movies together, talked about things you wouldn’t discuss with others, told secrets to, stuck up for, loved and cared about, didn’t backstab or tell lies about and felt comfortable hanging out with. But sometimes it turns out that people just want these superficial type of friendships, where everything is more of a fake, let’s pretend everything is perfect, laugh and have a good time kind of relationship. Maybe they don’t want that other type of closeness for some reason, and that’s fine, I’m just saying to me…that’s what I want in close friendships. I may not even be good at it myself, it’s just my ideal.

It’s the same for me with family. The above type of relationship, but magnified even further. With family you should always feel comfortable being yourself. You should never feel you have to watch your back with family. You should always feel you can relax around family, like you can trust each other implicitly. But not all families are like that. Some are just, again…superficial. They treat each other almost like business acquaintances…it’s all nicey nice, aren’t things great type of meaningless banter.

I’ve always felt my family was tighter than most. Closer than most. Crazier than most. Even during very hard times, we are always there for each other. We see each other at our best and at our worst. We laugh, cry and yell with and at each other. But we’re real.

Again…just my ideals and thoughts. No matter how I perceive things, these perceptions can be ripped to shreds in a blink of an eye. How would one react if everything they thought they knew was in fact, nothing more than some fake experience? That the people we thought we were closest to, didn’t think of us in the same way at all?

We all are living beside each other, everyday, having the same or similar experiences with the same places, people and things…yet we all see, feel or hear it differently. We all take things in a way that suits us best. If you want to see the best in people you will, but if you’re looking to see the worst, you definitely will.

Some people make it hard to know them. They are actors thru and thru. They will say what you want to hear at the time, they will do the same with others. They will pretend to be one person with you and another with me. They will talk badly about me to you, and talk badly about you to me. They will present themselves one way today and another way tomorrow. How do you know these people? Really know them?

Humans need close relationships. We need bonding. We need to feel loved and understood. But how can you ever feel you’re understood or known, if people are themselves determining who you are, rather than truly getting to know you?

Who am I? I’m a confused and known only to a few.

 

 

Relationships

Mar6

Is this title a repeat? I don’t even know…too lazy to scroll thru to find. I’m gonna blow one out here that is not censored at all….pure heart-felt emotion….I’m angry at women. I’m angry at men. I know so many women who stay in stale or bad relationships just strictly for monetary reasons. They put up with being degraded either verbally, emotionally or physically. They are their “spouses” mothers…their caregivers…their bathroom cleaners, laundry doers, dish doers, child raisers….they do all this while trying to work and pay bills, trying to compete with the airbrushed anorexic 14 year old model on Glamour magazine.

I’ve bypassed all that now…I lived thru it….but I am now of that “age”…where I am no longer a girl or woman. I am the “ghost woman”….I’m between 44 and 60….that area where you no longer exist. It’s sad really. I am now at the vantage point where I see young women 18 to 40 struggling to be seen. They want to look perfect…competing with air brushed anorexic unhappy women in magazines who seem to pull it all off. They feel inferiour. They hate themselves. They try so hard to please their “man” that they LOSE themselves!

Look girls! We are people! We are who we are! We look how we look! We feel how we feel! If that’s not good enough for someone…then screw that someone.  I’m sorry, but I spent alot of years kissing ass and being someones doormat…I will never do that again, and I could never in good conscious advice any other woman to do so. Go out there. Work…get your education. Get a job. Support YOU. Take care of YOU. Do not lose yourself in some dick who’s only thought is how many orgasms he can get goin today, with or without u.  I’m not saying you can’t have a meaningful and lifelong commitment with a man or woman or whatever…I’m just saying, you can’t lose YOU in the couple u become.

Keep your identity. Keep you self esteem and self respect. Don’t roll over and let anyone else run your life. Live it for you. If you have children, then live it for them…they are your PRIORITY. Kids come first. Romantic relationships second.

I’ve had some eye opening experiences lately.  Whats a romantic relationship? What’s a best friend? Whats a friend? What’s a mom? All these damn titles….I have felt like a failure for so many things…but never my “titles”…I always was the “good” daughter, grandaughter…the “good” girlfriend, wife, friend”…the good mom….

It hasn’t kept me from being hurt. Or disappointed. I’m feeling that quite often lately. Do I expect too much? Probably. I’m not an easy judge maybe. I’m not perfect…for dang sure.  I think I’m worried I won’t be around long enough to do what I need to do…to say what needs said..to pass on what needs passed.  Not that I am egotistical enough to think I have anthing to say that anyone wants to hear…I don’t at all. Honest.

I have health issues, that are severe and dangerous. Makes me think about death and dying more than the norm I guess. I keep trying to figure out what can I leave my kids that will mean anything to them in years to come? I know I have knowledge that could be passed on. But how do you make that heard? How do you pass it without looking like you’re writing your suicide note?

I want my family to get that I love them with all my heart. That they are what’s kept me going during the past 5 yrs of Hell that have been tough to staggar thru.  I forced myself to live with the thought that I could be of some type of help for them.  I have the 2 best kids ever created…yep, I’m biased…but they are good kids…never been smokers, or drinkers or druggers or slept around. They are respectful and good kids and I am proud of them. I couldn’t have chosen better kids…yes there are others kids who are genius level or doctors or whatever…but that means nothing because the emotional relationship I have with my kids beats any document hanging on a wall.

I am to the point in my life where I am tired of the superficial bullcrap called relationships. I’m one of those people who says what I think and feel…I used to be a “pleaser” and tried to make everyone else feel good….at the expense of my sanity. I grew up in a psycho house where yelling, hitting, and berating were the norm.  Women were hit, and belittled.  This does not fly with me now. If you want to live that way…fine…just don’t expose kids to it….but I pray no woman puts up with this crap..from their men…or their friends.

Girl friends can be vicous and 2 faced.  We are cruel to each other, usually for no reason. We find it easy to tear each other down…why? to make ourselves feel better? I dunno…but its sad…we should be supporting each other…helping each other…we are all struggling thru life…it’s hard.

I’m losing faith is relationships…but the “girlfriend” code…I thought that was pretty dang strong…atleast once you were outta highschool and stopped fighting over some pimply faced player…but it doesn’t necessariley end there does it?

Feelings

Feb9

Feelings. What are they? I’ll tell you what they are, they are all I can seem to discuss as of late. How I”M feeling, how OTHERS are feeling. What are YOUR pain levels? What are MY pain levels.  How many doc appointments you going to this week as opposed to me…what new med are you on? How does it make you feel? Side effects? Any relief? How bad are the adhesions ripping me apart this night or that night, how bad is my broken foot throbbing tonight, how’s the nausea? Headache? Back spasms? Left hip?  Energy levels? It’s easy really….Everything hurts worse than normal, drugs suck and so do their side effects. Fake interest in my health doesn’t help anyone. Yes, I get you have a life…one where you jump out of bed in the morning after a great nights sleep and you have a pep in your step as you brush your pearly whites and swish that Scope…check your nose for rogue boogers…grab a tasty Latte on the way to work…jamming to the latest tune…thinking about working out later…going to the Y, or maybe your work gym.  Maybe you have to stop at the store on the way home and grab some grub for dinner…zip thru the checkout lane…no problem!  You’re feeling great, your job is great, your family is great and most importantly your health is great.

This is what makes my FEELINGS seemingly very different from so many. I feel SICK. EVERYDAY. It’s not going to go away. It’s slowly killing me…I wont be making a recovery. People seem to think I should be “well” by now….”how long can this last?”  “Cant she go to a doctor? Have surgery?” How bout a bigger med center? “Maybe its the pills making her sick” “maybe she needs another medication”….or my favorites:  “She Looks GREAT! ” “I saw her out the other day…looked like she was smiling and laughing and having a good time!” “Saw her at the grocery store the other day! She was loading up that cart!”

Well, I’ve tried other doctors, Cleveland Clinic, all the moron ones here in Ft. Wayne…they all say surgery would only be done in a life or death situation, because my situation is so unusual and my insides are so scarred and twisted and glued together, and laying right at the surface, trying to find a place to even make the first cut would take a team…who couldn’t give definitive answers.  Better to just live with the pain and be glad I’m alive! I shouldn’t FEEL frustrated that the medical establishment made me this way. I should feel elated that they managed to save my life.

When I wake up, my first thought is on my belly cuz ive moved or inadvertently stretched and pulled those adhesions and they are barking back at me. I sit up and get my pill box, swallow my pills..hopin they kick in FAST.  I walk hunched over to the restroom for all that needs done there…I come out in search of coffee, but if its not alredy made…forget it…I’ll nuke some tea or have juice.  Jim starts discussing what we should have for a meal….I let him know that my FEELINGS on that subject are not registering yet.

My adhesions are growing around my other organs…it’s like an evil beast inside me….like a rubberband spiderweb. Every breath hurts, coughing, laughing and God forbid a sneeze bring on big FEELINGS. Mostly I just spew out vile cuss words that are aimed at the doctor who butchered me and his devient lawyer who got him off.  That was  a cut and dry case…and my FEELINGS on that are we were SCREWED.

My feelings on people who just do not get it. I don’t blame them. They don’t live it. How can they get it. I can see how it can be confusing to see me shopping, dressed,. make up on, hair done….I look okay….but look a little closer: My eyes are bloodshot, they are tired with no spark of life, my smile is stiff, my walk slow and now with a limp and shiny purple cane.  I walk slower, I search for places to sit and rest due to the pain that has shown up full force as i’m in the middle of Wall Mart. Im sweating profusely just due to the pain and trying to look normal like nothing is wrong.  I can’t think strait. I just want to go home to my bed. I hate this.  I hate people looking at me. I hate feeling foolish. 

I hate NEEDING help from people. I’m not good at asking fot help…other than from my husband and daughter…I ask them for lots of help around here…bet Jess can’t wait til she can move out like her big bro so she wouldn’t have to be here to have a ringside seat to my circus of FEELINGS.

I laugh, I cry, I scream, I pray, I cuss, I fall to my knees and i plead.  I plead to God, to the Angels…to anyone out there who will listen and care. After so many years of this your family and friends learn to tune you out…Its the same complaints everyday…they get sick of hearing it…I get sick of saying it. I try not to say it…but it comes up here or there…like “Hey, mom…can u drive me to the Mall today after school?” “Well, depends on how i feel I guess, but probaly” “Oh mom, you’re always sick but you can always get the job done. Which is when my Linda Blair head comes out and starts spewing that I get the jobs done cuz no one else is! I go into my laundry rant, dusting, garbage, dishes, dog hair…I let loose…but I get from one “I’m working 12 hours a day and do what I can” which I can’t argue with, I wish he didnt have to do anything but come home and veg. I get from the other one  “I’ve been being tortured at school all day with stupid teachers and I need some me time!”

I hate being asked How are you feeling today? I always say fine. No one cares how Im feeling. They get the glazed eyed look of omg, here she goes with her pain and sickness. Dont they know I would much rather be talking about going to the Y to swim! To go for a long walk thru a woods and have a pic nic. To go to a great rock concert…maybe Kid Rock or Aerosmith.  That I would love to zip thru this house and clean it from top to bottom all while blaring my Rick Springfield cd’s and reliving the 80’s!  That I would love to learn Pilates! I would be thrilled to be able to play softball once again! That I would love to sit and read a book in under three hours like i used to. That I want so badly to help others…to go to homeless shelters and help, to help abused women and children, to help save unwanted animals. I want to be there for my grandparents, parents and kids and husband for all their needs and desires. 

Right now FEELINGS are taking control. They are allover the place. Im sad. Mad. Frustrated. Pissed. Lost. Alone. Angry. Unappreciated. Scared. Hurt. Miserable. Up one minute, in the hole the next. I feel like i’ve been targeted to live in misery…its been bad since birth…when do I get to feel normal?  When do i get to experience living in a body that is perfectly healthy? Not even perfect…maybe just remove a few of my afflictions…I mean Adhesions that are taking over my abdominal cavity grabbing my organs and pulling me apart, tumors on the nerve endings from the 15 operations, loss of part of intestine and severe strictures make eating almost a miserable event, the Degenerative Disk Disease in my neck and back…constant spasms and knots, my Interstitial Cystitis where my bladder is on fire, Fibromyalgia where all my muscles and joints hurt so bad and the brain fog that tags along, the Antiphospholipid Syndrome that makes me high risk for more blood clots, so I must take blood thinners each day and keep tabs on my blood levels or I can die either from clot or internal bleeding. Anxiety problems. My teeth are getting worse by the day and the pain is bad. My eyes ache constantly, and give me migraines.  My left hip has been out of socket for a month from walking with a cane due to my right foot being broken…its taking forever to heal, and costing me  lots of medical bills.

I used to be a person. I used to have a life. I was vibrant. I was fun. I sang, danced and laughed loudly. I was good looking, I was funny and witty, I dressed well. I loved walking thru woods or graveyards. I loved swimming or just being near a body of water.  I loved going to the mall and walking around all day. I loved riding my bike. I loved trying out new exercise tapes…knowing I’d give up…but hey…it was a hope!  I have (had) a job I loved as a patient sitter, which I can’t do until my foot heals…I had a life too.

Now I’m in bed alot. With people wondering under their breaths whats wrong with me. But not really caring to know what is.  On the days I do get up dressed with make up…I’m so exhausted I must rest in between. One outting to a store knocks me back to bed for a couple more days.  I’m still inside this body. I’m in here. My feelings do count. They get hurt when I feel Ive been treated badly or been taken advantage of or lied to…or even worse patronized by people who do not know what theyre talking about when it comes to the multiple diseases I have. These diseases are life threatening. I don’t have the flu and I’m not depressed. I have multiple illnesses atleast two of which could kill me. 

So my FEELING is that Im sick. I hate it. But  I NEED friends and family who get that and who can work around my illnesses to still have relationships with me, don’t avoid me or leave me out of plans until you know Im too ill to partake. Feel free to pitch in when it looks like I need help picking up something I’ve dropped or if something needs done around the house.

I’m FEELING the only ones who understand are the other “chronics” out in cyberworld who are suffering like I am. I am lucky in that my family really tries to help me, they just sometimes don’t know what help needs done the most, or they have different ways of doing things, or they have lives of their owns and just don’t have the time to mess with my piddly problems.

My Grandma is 90. Her knees are bone on bone…its awful, and her feet are deformed from arthritis…but shes proud and she muddles around on that can or her walker a bit here and there. I call her daily, the conversation is always the same…it comes out of my mouth before I can stop it:  “How are you feeling today?” I KNOW how she’s feeling today, cuz it’s the same as yesterday…but I ask cuz I want her to know that I CARE about how she feels….so I guess thats why we ask….in some circumstances we do care how someone is feeling. But only ask if you really care and can really handle the answers.

I don’t know if I will ever feel better than i do right now, or if I will just continue to decline. I have a wish that I would find a caring doctor that was up for a challenge and could go over my rather extensive medical files…all of them, starting from having encephalitis as a child clear thru the fibro/lupus and botched surgery that really brought me down. Have him study it. To talk to me. To really care. To WANT to help me…..like the show House…he’s a doc I want! or anyone who really wanted to help people, to care about people…thats what I wish for.  A doctor who KNOWS me. KNOWS my history. Cares about my FEELINGS.

My feelings today are lonely, sad, feeling useless, fed up with pain, sick of people who are only absorbed in themselves and in seeing how much they can get, wanting, wanting, wanting, but they don’t want to work for all these wants…then have the nerve to act like their feelings are hurt or crushed, some people just don’t know how good they have it. Even i know with all my problems, I am blessed, because I know there are many others out there who are sooo much worse off than I am…so many. That is why I do try to make the most of my life…even if in a limited way…I want to find a way to help other people who actually NEED some help…Not the drama queens/kings who blow things out of proportion or lie about their conditions….nope, not them.

How am I feeling now? Well, the pain is ripping my belly in two…BUT my mind feels clear now since I purged it all out finally…My neck is in spasm and my foot is on fire. It’s another night of insomnia for me. But……………

You are certainly welcome to ask me “How you feeling lately” tomorrow! I may just tell ya!

I don’t have the energy to find pretty pics to put on here tonite or to check it over…just gonna post it.

thanks for reading and for caring, sometimes i find it interesting that the ones you want to understand you the most, are the ones who don’t take the time to know you, but that’s worked out pretty good cuz I’ve made some pretty awesome friends on here!

Perception

Jul15

I’ve been thinking lately of peoples perceptions of other people.  You know how it is…you see someone and you immediately acquire an idea on who that person is.  By their appearance, demeaner, personality, etc.  Now if you don’t really know that person, you may never know if your “perception” of him was on target or not…

But what of our perceptions of the people we do know?  Or we THINK we know….are our perceptions correct about them?  Do we know their likes/dislikes?  Do we know their political/religious views?  Do we know all their favorites and non faves?  Do we REALLY know if they are safe or unsafe characters?  Are they responsible?  Are they alcoholics?  Thieves?  BiPolar? Depressed?  Happily married or just faking it well? Addicted to drugs? Sex?

How long of a relationship must you have with someone before you REALLY know them?  Five minutes?  A week?  Month? Year? Many years?  Do we ever REALLY know anyone?  We percieve that we do.  But then perhaps they will do something so out of character that we are taken aback.  We are stunned and confused…we think “Well, why would she do that?  That’s so unlike her”

How do others perceive us?  We all change our “faces” …don’t we?  I mean we have our family personality, our company personality, our work personality, our new acquaintance personality, our business personality, our best friend personality, ….you get the idea.

Does any of us REALLY know any of us?  I’ve often wondered how I will be described after I pass away.  Here’s is what I would say about ME:  She was a tragic soul….who lead a rough life, but overcame it for the most part.  She was strong and stubborn.  She liked to do things well…and right.  She was only affectionate with her children and her animals mostly.  She was a free spirit in her younger years, but lost that along the way after life sort of beat her down.  She did her best living with chronic pain…she really believed in using humor to heal the soul.  Loved to laugh.  Loved to read. Loved her children and family so much it consumed her at times.  Was kind to children and animals.  Put a brave face on most days and faced the world…all while gritting her teeth and wanting to get back to bed…lol.  She wanted to feel useful, she wanted others to feel loved and cared for.  She tried to guide her children, to give them useful advice.  She prays constantly. She has a few good friends and has a couple online friends she feels even closer to…a sisterly bond thru pain. She likes for things to run smoothly and therefore tries to make it so.  Believes in lists, lists and more lists! 

So that would be MY perception of me.  Someone else may say things completely different.  May think I’m bitchy and controlling and moody.  May think I am cold and indifferent.  May think I am whiney.  May think I milk my illness.  May think I’m lazy and fat and ugly.

Point being…our perceptions of people….may be wrong or right.  But we treat them the way we perceive them.  Let’s say you treat this friend with utter respect, as he is a doctor, and you have always considered him an upstanding honest truthful person.  Then you find out he is addicted to drugs or porn and cheats on his wife.  How did you not SEE this side of him?  How did he hide it so well?  Or was it right under your nose and yet you chose NOT to see the signs?  Being stabbed in the back is painful…but do we sometimes set ourselves up for it?  By not seeing the forest for the trees?

Sometimes I know people who are so outwardly fake.  Maybe they think no one else notices or knows.  But it’s embarrassing watching them try to pretend to be someone they are not.  Especially when everyone knows they aren’t really that way, or if they buy into the act, they then think that person is an idiot.  When deep down that person is a scared and sad person, who is afraid to show their true selves to people for whatever reason.  Maybe they are not proud of what they’ve become, so they choose to puff up their life story to make it seem more interesting…but all it does is drive people away.

We are a race of perceptions.  I am usually pretty good at reading people.  But I don’t think everyone is.  Sometimes we get the wrong vibes from people…I say go with your gut.  But I feel we all need to put away the masks.  Let’s be who we are, imperfections and all.  Stop trying to impress.  Stop kicking ourselves for not being who we think others want us to be.  We are who we are.  Let’s not waste this life suffering because we perceive we are not who we should’ve been.

I will still wonder how others perceive me…hmmm.

“FAMILIAR ROUTINES BECOME BAD HABITS”

Failure

Jul2

I am and always have been one of those people who hate to fail.  At anything.  Since I was a young child I have always wanted to “do good” or “be the best” or to “please” those around me.  In elementary school I wanted to be the best speller, the best handwriter, the best kickball player, the best dancer, the best gymnast….you get the idea.

As I grew up, this urge continued.  I had to get straight A’s all throughout nursing school…and did, made it on the Dean’s List, and in the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society.  Then when I started having children, I wanted to be the “best mommy”…I cuddled and coo’d and rocked and sang….I hovered and loved…maybe too much at times.

Point being, that I can’t stand to fail.  I hate to disappoint anyone.  I hate to do anything badly.  And of course I HAVE failed at things.  I’m not perfect.  But I sooo hate that feeling in my gut when I know I am not doing something well, or when I feel I’ve made a mistake, or I think someone is mad at me or thinks badly of me…I just hate it!  I am my worst critic as the old saying goes.  I’m hard on myself for sure.  I used to be worse than I am now…but it’s still there.

There are days when (in my head) I will have a running dialogue that goes something like this: “Man, you are such an idiot.  You know you are the worst mother in the world right?  You have really screwed things up sister! Why can’t you be a good mother?  What is wrong with you?  Why did you do that the way you did?” or “Wow…what a moron!  You just said the dumbest thing to that person…ya know they think you’re a complete idiot now, right? Why can’t you talk right?  What is wrong with you?” or “Geeze you are a fat pig!  Look how ridiculous you look in this outfit!  Like a big fat cow in capris! Why can’t you lose weight?” or “My God, look at all this dog hair on the floor!  This house is a pigpen!  Can’t you keep it cleaner?  More organized? What a loser!” or “You just spent waaay to much money on groceries!  Why can’t you be like those genius coupon women?” or “Look at that athletic healthy woman jogging down the street…why can’t YOU do that?” or “Great…another burnt dinner, take cooking lessons already!”

The crazyness is endless…the conversations that go on in my head….I feel like a failure in so many ways on so many days.  Even when it’s someone else who is failing…if I feel I coulda or shoulda prevented their problems…I blame myself.  If I’m in a group of people and someone seems pissed off…I immediately assume it’s my fault and go about trying to make them “UN pissed off”….try to get into their good graces.  If a friend doesn’t call me for a week…I immediately think “Oh my God!  What did I do?  I must have pissed her off last time I saw her!  What did I say?  What did I do?”  It is of course insane to be this way…I know this…but can’t stop it.  Sometimes I will be driving and just start thinking about all the things that I perceive myself to have failed at and will burst into tears.  “I’m a bad mom!  I’ve ruined my kids!” “I spent too much money!  We are gonna be broke!” “I pissed my coworkers off!  Now they hate me!” ” I just cut that guy in the blue truck off!  Now he thinks I’m a dumb woman driver!”…..lol….pathetic, I know.

So, what is the answer?  I’m not sure…there is probably a self help book out there I can read….I’ll look into it….but it wouldn’t help…I would read it, then figure I failed to learn the message it had.

Oh well….some people are out there and couldn’t care less if they fail or succeed.  I bet they are soo happy!  Grrr!
“Success is a matter of luck. Ask any failure.”  Earl Wilson

Blah days

May22

Todays one of those days.  The “Blah days” I am getting so sick of.  It’s a Saturday.  Nothin to do.  No money to do it with really.  Everyone in the world seems to have something to do today, except for me.  I’m just sittin here with the dogs, watching MSNBC cuz there is nothing on tv….and piddling around with the computer.

Tired as hell.  But can never sleep.  Bored.  Sick of having so many health problems.  Sick of taking so many pills.  Sick of laying in this bed.  Sick of pretending to be positive.  Sick of worrying. Sick of trying to figure out where I went wrong in so many ways.  Sick of scheduling doc appointments and paying for all the medical bills.

I am just blah.  The rain has finally stopped.  But, it doesn’t really matter, since I have nothing to do anyway.  Makes me wish I had another friend.  One who was always available.  Right there every single time you had the need for a friend…of course, there is no such thing, because no one person can possibly be there for you every single time you would like for them to be…but it would be so nice….wouldn’t it?  Suddenly you feel lonely and bam!  Right there she is…to hang out with ya…nothin fancy, just sit and watch a movie or go to lunch…oh well….it’s like wishin for a genie in a bottle I guess.  Not gonna happen.

I am alone so much, I think I’m going bonkers.  lol.  I’m sick of the sight of my bedroom.  I feel like I am well into my 80’s…with all the pain/sickness and complete and utter boredom.  I’m 42/going on 82.  My life is seeming fairly useless at this point.

Guess I better read one of my “inspirational” books and get my mind out of this sewer of negativity again.  I’m up and down…but alot of down…all due to my health…if I was healthy, I believe I would be much happier with life.  Of course there would still be problems to deal with, but I could deal with life’s issues alot more efficiently with a healthy body.  I could enjoy life more with a body that wasn’t wracked with major pain every second of every day. I could be more carefree and excited about living.

I try and try to stay upbeat and positive and grateful for all the good things in my life…and I succeed many days in being happy.  But the underlying pain/illness is always just under the surface…ready to jump out and rip out my guts.  I’m shopping with Jess and we’re having fun and laughing and POW the pain tears thru my belly like a machette…and wipes the smile and fun off my face, and ends our enjoyment.

I’m at work, loving my job…caring for my patients, whom I have so much empathy for, knowing just exactly how they feel and what they are going through…and ZAP…major pain strikes again.  And I must sit and not do the job as well as I would want to, because I can barely breathe thru my pain.

I’m watching a funny movie with the family and being so blessed….when BAM….the pain zips thru me so unexpectedly I have no time to brace, and tears come to my eyes, but I don’t cry, because that would hurt much more than help.

I dress up and try to go out with my husband and look decent…only to feel ugly when the pain makes me have to slump and not smile or enjoy anything that’s happening.  I sit stonefaced, while the fun goes on around me.

Of course I am thankful to just be here.  Yes I am.  I want to be here.  Even if it means suffering every minute.  I want to be here to see my family.  To be in there lives.  To help them when and if I can.  To try to be a part of the world.  To try to help anyone I can.  To try to keep figuring out why I’m here.  What my purpose is.  What can I bring to the world.  What will my mark be?

Just getting thru one of my blah days. 

Trying to find the sun.

Learing to deal in a positive way.

The life I’m tryin to run.

Tomorrow will be better.

I will find the sun.

God is in my life.

He knows I’m dealing with strife.

The lessons I am learning.

All while yearning.

For a life without pain.

Believing in God.

A happy life I will gain.

Have a wonderful weekend all my internet friends!  Wish you were here with me, to help me thru my yucky day…but I guess you are!

Alone…

Apr15

Been laying in bed, other than going to restroom for over two days now due to this kidney infection.  Talked to doctor offices on the phone about it.  Family doc has me on antibiotics, which I have been on one or another since last summer now.  This is the first time my kidneys have hurt like this.  The fact that I can even FEEL pain with all the opoids I take is beyond me…but my body must just love to scream out I guess.

Large View

I have an appointment with a urologist next Thursday…ONE WEEK.  If I make it that long without going to the ER, I will be so happy…but I dunno.  I do not want to go to the ER.  I do not want more damn medical bills, plus I would get there and sit out in chairs for hours, then triaged for a couple hours, left on a hard cot for hours, then there would be the whole med ordeal…whenever you are on strong pain meds, they give you “the look” and start calling docs and pharmacies to make sure you’re not a junkie…lol.

I feel like crap obviously.  Layin in bed on my heating pad constantly.  Drinking tons of water.  I got cranberry tablets, but then found out I shouldn’t overdo cranberry or cherry type juices or supplements due to my blood clotting disorder and taking bloodthinners…so, yea.  Add to the joy of me, since I do take narcotics, I am clogged up…haven’t gone in 2 weeks now…belly feels like knives are traveling around in there…all that scar tissue.  I’m taking massive quantities of Mirilax and Lactulose, with zero results so far.  Adds to the fun.

I’m feeling pretty much alone.  I have a supportive family, thank God…and some good friends…but I FEEL alone.  Thank goodness for my online friends, who also live with the same problem of pain day in and day out..they help me more than they know.  Just having a connection with someone who REALLY knows what it’s like to live life like this, helps me tolerate it a little more.  I wish they lived closer, so we could chillax together and commiserate! 😉

Every single movement brings pain in one part of my body or another.  It’s really mind boggeling if you think about it.  Move your arm…did you cringe?  Bend over…did you burst into tears?  Raise your arms to shampoo your hair… did you wince?  Take a deep breath…did you stop short in pain?  All of that and worse happens to me every time I move.  It’s a really bizarro way to live your life.

I am young.  I want to have a normal life.  I want to be physical.  I want to exercise.  To shop.  To swim.  To just BE….without all the challenges of doing it all with excruciating pain.  I hate swallowing a tub of pills everyday.  I hate the brain fog that comes with it.  I hate the negative emotions swirling in my head.  I hate hating the man that did this to me. I hate that I can not totally forgive him for making my life a living hell.

So, yea…alone.  That’s how I feel.  Even with family and friends.  I am ALONE with my pain.  MY experience with pain.  My emotional connection with the pain.  My way of dealing with the pain.  Some days I can be positive.  Some days I just can’t do it.  I can’t fake it.  I have to let it out.  I have to be grouchy and sick.  I have to be selfish and just take care of my needs for a period of time…then I can get a second wind, and be there for everyone else.  During those “down times” they just have to struggle along without my services…lol.  Sometimes I feel they would all be better off if I just was gone in some way.  I am sure it sucks to have a wife and mother who is ill.

Those of us who know pain on a real deep and personal level, are alone to a large extent…even if we were all in one room together, we each live with the pain differently.  We each feel the pain differently, emotionally and physically.  Some are stronger than others physically, some emotionally.  Some are stoic, some wear it on their sleeve…some fall in between.

Life is hard for everyone to some degree.  We all have our issues, our problems…I think maybe I “FEEL” other peoples problems more than I need to…I tend to make their problems my own in some ways.  I need to stop that, for my own preservation…stress does of course increase the bodys pain perception…stress can destroy your health.  Therefore, somedays…..being ALONE…is just what you need to be.

My prayer for today is for all my friends who are living with pain…to have some less painful days…whether alone or in a crowded house.

Thanks to all the kind readers who visit my little blog here…usually just me blatthering on about poor pitiful me…but better to put it here, then to allow it to fester in my head.

xoxoxo

Should I just give up?

Mar27

Laying here in bed….in my usual position, propped up on pillows, on a heating pad.  TV on Hallmark channel, although I’m not really watching it.  Computer on lap.  House phone and cell phone within reach.  Bottle of water and pills on bedside table, several books/magazines  next to me.  Pain levels are thru the roof of course, as they have steadily been as of late.  The plethora of pain meds I take routinely … not doin their job.

Have a raging UTI with possible right kidney involvment just for fun.  Waiting out to go to the doc til Monday…but I am drinkin lots of water and cranberry juice, taking AZO and leftover pyridium. 

Wondering if I should just give up.  Not on life completely per say.  But give up trying to be NORMAL.  Trying to behave as if I have no health issues, when I most definitely do.  Give up trying to please everyone, when I am only failing repeatedly.  Give up trying to do anything resembling worth while when I can’t seem to.  Give up trying to fight all the damn health problems I have…the list just keeps growing.  Give up trying to keep going to doctors and keep taking pills, it’s all just costing us money we don’t have.  Give up trying to look decent, when its a fail.  Give up wishing the past could’ve been different, cuz it can’t.  Give up trying to be the best mom, cuz there ain’t no such thing.  Give up on trying to keep dreams alive.  Give up on thinking I’m here for a purpose.  Give up on trying to figure out my phone/internet bills, cuz Verizon is obviously trying to drive ME (yes, just me) completely insane with their billing practices.  Just give up. 

I will just stop showering.  Lay here in bed.  Eat like a depraved elephant.  Have people wait on me.  And wait for death to come and take me to a place where there is no illness, no pain, no hate, no fear, no misery, no anger, no spite, no stupidity, no envy, no competition, no bad people….just take me away.  I’m tired of it all.  Sick and damn tired of it ALL.

No one needs to freak out.  This is not some sordid suicide letter of any sorts.  This is me purging my mind because I am laying here pissed off as hell at the world.  I am supposed to be trying to get ready…we are supposed to be going out to dinner with friends tonite.  So after I am done crying, I will get the Visine, and go to work with the makeup to cover my blotchy face.  Find some clothes and TRY to look human and force myself to go out and pretend to be normal for a few hours.  I WANT to go out.  I WANT to see my friends.  I WANT to eat a great meal.  I WANT to be normal.  But the best I can hope for is just getting through the night.

So…see there, I guess I’m not giving up.  Yet.  Not sure if I will actually make it out tonite yet or not.  At this moment…it seems doubtful…but who knows…I will atleast get dressed, take my drugs…then when 6:30pm rolls around, my poor husband will then know if his disabled and useless wife will be able to accompany him on this Saturday night out….or not.  He should’ve run for the hills long ago.

Hope the rest of you are having a better weekend than I am.  Sorry to be a downer….but somedays…..it’s hard to pretend.

No inspiring quote today….not feelin it.

xo

Girls….

Mar21

As the mother of a teen girl…I have unfortunately had to watch over the last few years how girls today treat each other.  Now of course since time began, I’m sure there has always been a certain “rivalry” between girls/women…but it seems to me that it is getting worse and worse over the last decade or so.

I can remember being a teen and looking at the other girls in my class and wishing I looked like that one or dressed like that one or had that one’s boyfriend or whatever…there is always someone who looks better than you or has better than you…that’s life.  And yes, there was always the gossip type stuff going on…”I heard Sasha was kissing Joey behind the bleachers!”

But now it’s taken on a life of it’s own.  Girls are crazy ass vicious with each other.  They are mean and vindictive.  They spread the most vile and malicious lies about each other.  They get physical with each other, they vandalize peoples property.  It is out of control.  The media is partly to blame, in my opinion…everything is sex, nudity and shows like Bad Girls Club, Jersey Shore and all the other smut crap that’s out there…these young girls are growing up thinking it’s cool to say you’re “bi sexual” or “gay/lesbian” they think it’s cool to cut other girls down or to spread lies about each other.  They travel in “packs” and go after the “weaker prey”…for what?  All to make themselves feel superior in some way? 

What this shows is that girls are lacking in self esteem and self respect.  They have lost the innocence they had right before they hit the age of 11…when they all played together and hugged each other and were all just the best of friends.  Suddenly puberty hits and they all lose their minds!  Someone gets boobs before the other and suddenly that girl is a slut!  Someone gets a cuter outfit than the other and suddenly she is a whore!  Someone spends too much time with one girl and then she is a lesbo!

Growing up in todays society as a woman is hard enough with all the crap in the media making women feel inferior to all the air-brushed models and surgically enhanced celebrities….women should be sticking together.  Supporting each other.  These girls will find out one day that their close women friends that they have will be their biggest allies in getting through life.  Friendships should be cultivated and cherished.  And they need to learn that it’s okay to have more than ONE best friend…have as many best friends as you can get!!!  We need different friends for different reasons…maybe one friend loves to shop, while another doesn’t, one friend loves to play hero guitar, another doesn’t…etc.

That movie with Lindsey Lohan…Mean Girls…was right on…in fact, it’s WORSE than that for these girls in high school.  Have you seen the news reports about these “girl fights?”  These poorly brought up girls all gang up on one and just beat the shit out of her…It is repulsive!  In one report the mother of one of the girls was right there cheering on her daughter in the fight!  My God!  What is the world coming to?

Like I said, there will always be someone who has better clothes, a better body, better skin/hair, a cuter boyfriend…whatever…get the hell over it!  Learn to love your own individual style.  You do not have to HATE another woman because you envy her!  We all have our insecurities.  Even the most beautiful woman in the world thinks her thighs are too fat!  So let’s teach our girls to love each other!  To protect each other.  To support each other.  To lean on each other.  To relate to each other, confide in each other.  Let’s stop all the backstabbing, the gossiping, the lieing, the side taking, the butchering of girls feelings.

It’s like some of these girls just have no compassion whatsoever.  They are not happy unless they are on the attack of another girl.  Do they not have any empathy for other girls feelings?  Don’t they think of how it would feel for it to be happening to them?  It is just really upsetting to me to see how girls are treating each other now-a-days.  It’s always been a competition, but it wasn’t as nasty as it is now…and the parents would’ve never put up with it or been involved, cheering it on like now.  It’s sick. 

It’s hard enough growing up in todays world.  Why rip each other apart?  Why not help each other through the maze of your high-school years?  You’re all going through the same things…the same feelings…the same insecurities…the same dreams….support each other…stop hurting each other.

“You give but little when you give of your possessions.  It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.”…Kahil Gibran.

GIVE PEACE A CHANCE!!!!  NO ONE IS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE!!!!  WE ARE ALL EQUAL!!!  WE ALL HAVE FEELINGS!!!  WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS!!!  WE ALL HAVE INSECURITIES!!!  STOP THE INSANITY!!!

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog…sorry I haven’t been good about posting lately…just haven’t been very motivated.  I’m gonna try to get back into the groove!