Let those that have ears hear and those with eyes see

July 28, 2012 by Liana

Even today, my son hates to go to church. He misses everything that’s said from the pulpit. Yet he sees so much more than me much of the time. This is the way it is with most deaf people–and my son is deaf. He is one of the Seers.A deaf baby has intensely serious eyes. He was 18 months old before we learned he couldn’t hear anything except maybe a jet plane taking off. It seemed like we had to introduce ourselves to each other all over again. It was very frightening not to know this most essential thing about my own child. It was like I was seeing a brand new person when I looked at him, entirely familiar and utterly unknown. But I recognized him by his eyes…those blue planets that sustained his life. Even with an arc of a smile underneath, my son’s eyes are usually weighty as storm clouds. They are always talking to me, discerning, often doubting and questioning what he’s missing. He is one of the few people I know without words…I feel him, entirely. I know what he’s thinking; what he is and isn’t saying, his thoughts speaking directly to mine…pouring off his fingers. Love can be like that.
When he was little, we dragged him to Sunday school because that’s what good parents do, right? He mostly colored pictures while the teacher talked about Jesus. He got very little out of it…for him, it was just a different slant on “am I missing something here?” Like the time when he was about five years old, he asked me if God really created the whole world—made it all up out of nothing at all? I stammered around for a moment or two, then he asked in a voice more defiant than curious, “If there wasn’t anything here yet, what was God standing on when he made it?”The only answer that’s ever made any sense to me, my beautiful boy, is that God is standing on Us and in Us…and we are still creating the world.

7/12 ©

the mahamudrah of wisteria

July 27, 2012 by Liana

What tells the vine the descent is done…that it’s time to climb?
The futility of such heroics…such a weighty mess,
still something says ascend.

…I wonder how many times I get to retake this test.

the tallest wall

July 26, 2012 by Liana

Every 25^th step, I’m gonna say I LOVE YOU right out loud, yes, I will actually YELL this. There are thousands of steps ahead of me, so I will break the monotony with spontaneous bursts of the names of anyone else I have loved. More specifically, I will name the way I loved EVERYONE I have loved, at least those memorable enough to name. By the time I reach the top, surely I will be ready. But I begin small: I LOVE THIS DAY. It feels too little, too easy, so I reach higher:

I LOVE THAT YOU SLEPT ON FOUR FOLDING CHAIRS CRAMMED BETWEEN THE DESK AND WALL covered with a newspaper mattress at CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS DURING THE PRIMARIES so that you could give me the couch, DANIEL…even if I cannot love you any other way.

Your sadness over this reality…the resignation on your face soften my heart so next I yell: I LOVE THAT YOU LOVE ME ANYWAY, DANIEL, and I do love you in my own way.

The camera-strapped tourist was just startled by my announcement; he seems unsure of how to respond—like I was speaking to him. He of the homespun wife and two kids who have paused to take pictures at Old Dragon’s Head just as I was yelling love for DANIEL. So I decide to name this tourist Daniel, that would explain it. Now I am ok with how people are starting to stare at me…I’m just going to pull them into my process. That should help.

I LOVE THAT YOU TOLD YOUR WIFE SHE DOESN’T NEED LIPSTICK TO LOOK PRETTY WHEN YOU JUST TOOK HER PICTURE AT THE GREAT WALL, DANIEL! …I do not turn around to see their reaction.

I do not name the couple who have hired me to au pair their twins in ubiquitous hotel rooms on this China trip (I was hoping for Greece) while they have their own more fully funded fun without their kids in tow. But I do give them points for interviewing 25 candidates before hiring massively-overqualified 我 wǒ (i.e., me) for this gig because I possess an advanced degree plus WSI certification. Then there’s the added value of my own Asianness. This will enhance the retelling of their vacation to their round-eyed friends passing blurry insta-pix around at P.F. Chang’s, a restaurant that will also chosen for its Amerasian aesthetic. No, I do not name the Clifton & Courtney Upton-Smyths on step 475, but I give them 25 points for giving me this one day off for my own pilgrimage to the Great Wall.

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE A MOONRISE OVER JUYONG PASS FROM THE NORTH FOURTH TOWER.

YOUR HAT IS ON BACKWARDS AND YOUR CRACK IS SHOWING when you bend over to wipe up your kid’s dripping ice cream, JETHRO, but I kinda love that you saved enough money to get here all the way from Nebraska and that you know enough not to leave a mess behind.

Ok, that was a bit of a bird-walk, but I’ll allow it. Whatever is LOVE, in its many quotidian or delectable forms, whatever says LOVE counts and will bolster me. Like THE JONATHON SAFRON FOER BOOK with one signature printed upside-down that I got to keep for free from that job at the fulfillment house: I LOVE YOUR IMPERFECTION.

By step 899 I am ready…I am as tall as the wall will get for me this day, so I plant myself, face the hills and fields bordered in trees as far as I can see…this ageless earth that has endured man-made barriers for thousands of years…I yell my softest, strongest, realist, bravest, most hopeful and inspired feeling:

FOR YOUR USE OF THE WORD “LISSOME” as you dipped your finger in the vase of lilacs and slowly signed your wet name in cursive from my peaked nipple to my quivering knee, I LOVE YOU, STEPHANNIE SOPHIA ANTONOPOLOUS.

(this was the Iowa Writer’s Workshop Assignment #3:
write from a point-of-view opposite your sexual orientation)

Inquire within…

July 25, 2012 by Liana

Begin by being still. Quiet the outer world so that the inner world might bring you sight. This in-sight is what you seek, yet you cannot have it while you are so deeply concerned with your outer reality.
Seek, therefore, to go within as much as possible.
And when you are not going within, come from within as you deal with the outside world.

If you do not go within, you go without.

~ Neale Donald Walsch

euphony

July 24, 2012 by Liana

a Greek chorus of a thousand

voices answering everything

while questioning it

all, the discord

in this strain, a descant

of percussion building

a reverberation in the rock

of many ages splitting…

and the sound of us hearing

music that was unsaid

…our own names

their unfamiliar breaking noise

~ Liana

Kabir finds God

July 23, 2012 by Liana

I was invited

to an important conference

where many learned men from different countries

where all going to address the topic:

Where is God?

I was wearing my best clothes and had even fasted for a week,

hoping to help sharpen my mind. Just before I was to leave though,

I felt powerfully drawn to a little shrine in my bedroom,

and I went there and knelt to pray.

I could not believe what then happened:

Kali threw her arms around me and started tearing at my clothes,

then she started throwing delicious food into my mouth,

purposely missing several times it seemed,

thus soiling my pundit attire;

And then she made me perform many times as if I were her

husband; then she said, “now Kabir, don’t be late for that big talk,

and don’t change your clothes—I like that love-stained look;

Maybe it will become chic?”

I arrived just as it was my turn to stand before this august crowd,

and apologized for my appearance.

“So Where Is God?” the head of the conference says to me.

“Well, (well, I stammered) if you really want to know the truth—if you hurry—you

might catch Her legs still spread

back at my

pad.”

~ Kabir (c. 1440-1518)

Anaphora on Me

July 22, 2012 by Liana

I was just nominated for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award by www.marcellarousseau.wordpress.com which is a great honor and VERY INSPIRING to me. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to post it in the margins of my blog where it belongs… it’s technically beyond me (I’ve checked the WP forums, believe me) or maybe it’s not a feature of the WP-theme I’m using. At any rate, I’m giving up (while hoping someone will tell me how to do this via a COMMENT). And I’m beaucoup flattered, THANK YOU, MARCY! So this is my response to the award’s required “7 Things about Me”which I’ve rounded out at 10 because, 1. I prefer even numbers.

2. A guy in my group at the famous Iowa Writer’s Workshop I recently attended always wrote on my work, “enough w/the ellipses” and crossed them out. I like love ellipses… they are so SOC (stream of consciousness), so conversational… so thought-full. So “I could keep going…” because “I’m still thinking” about all this… I like using them and I like it when others use them. So this guy criticizes my use of … which only makes me want to use … more (3. OK, I just outted some passive-aggressiveness here). I think I’ll start including them on grocery lists and client invoices—right after the Balance Due total. Maybe even when I sign my name: Leeanne…or Liana. (See what I did there?)

4. My three children are all named after a person and a place. I kinda want a do-over on one first name because it doesn’t fit him all that well, and he doesn’t like it so much. Maybe we should have held off until his personality started showing up. That’s what my kids are doing right now with their new kitten who will either be Seamus or Kitty Man or Clement Parmalie.

Maybe someday my son will choose a name for himself that works better—fine with me. Do what you gotta do so you can Be Who You Really Are…like the poet/performance artist at said Iowa Writer’s Workshop who renamed herself “Blueberry Morningstar.” Apparently, this feels better than “Louise Johnson” when demonstrating how to make noises with your body and pencil to an audience of sardonic writers.

5. I like ice skating… and not reading long blocks of copy on a blog. For being a person who finds it hard to read long blocks of copy on a blog, I sure am writing some long blocks of copy.

6. I apologize to anyone who also doesn’t like reading long blocks of copy on a blog…sorry. How about I save my lengthy list of Blogs I Recommend for another posting?

7. But speaking of audiences, once I attended a lecture on reincarnation by famous psychiatrist and author, Brian Weiss, MD. He said he was going to attempt to hypnotize the entire room for a past-life regression. I was skeptical, but settled into the relaxation exercise, the whole while thinking, rats, I’m still here and I’m still me. Finally, he said, “ok, I’m going count back from three, and when I get to one, just look down at your shoes.” I slowly opened my eyes and saw smartly pressed wool pinstripe pants leading right down to a man’s polished wing-tips, circa maybe 1912.

8. I travel a lot for work, mostly by air. Typically, there is an oversized John Deere executive passed out beside me, blissfully unaware of his snoring or that his black leather wing-tips are squeaking rhythmically against the seat frame in front of me. The woman in that seat is coughing virally in the general direction of, but not actually into, her bent elbow, her head craned sideways so the germs are propelled directly back into my breathing space. Sometimes I just loathe air travel, but not always. There was that time an inexperienced father traveling alone with his miserable wailing baby took me up on my offer to walk the aisle with her. I swaddled her snuggly into her blankets, sang with the hum of the engines, and felt her little body relax into sleep. When I looked up, everyone’s grateful, soft smiling eyes were canonizing me.

9. Global Warming is my fault because I voted for Ralph Nader. Jon told me I’d just thrown my vote away, and that people like me cost Al Gore the election…I explained that I’ve just grown too apathetic to find a greater motivation at election time than cancelling out my father’s ultra-conservative vote. Jon shook his head, sighed, and told me that I could not afford to remain so blissfully unaware of the world around me.

10. I wish I was blissfully unaware of the world around me…if only.

to fill the emptiness

July 21, 2012 by Liana

I, too, want to die

between the subject

and the predicate, surprised

by a sudden conclusion

that leaves a noun longing

for a perfect verb to complete it,

thus obliging those kind enough

to be there to fill the emptiness

with their own imagination, and

so prove once more that even

a silent human voice

can modify the dark.

~ Jon Berkley Wallace

the pinkness of white

July 20, 2012 by Liana

Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find all the
barriers within yourself that
you have built against it.

~ Rumi

the hint is in the pictures…

July 19, 2012 by Liana

Tonight the very toney group of MFAs, authors and other literati sitting at my table for a reception at the Iowa Writer’s Workshop was discussing which current work of fiction?

I think we can assume it is fiction, although some women at the table (all have read this book except moi, it would seem) were more certain of this than the men.