Content warning: vomiting, possible disordered eating

It’s been a while, but here we are again.

I’m vomiting most days, or at least coming very close. The last time this happened was when I had my first job in mental health. My boss terrified me, and most days were filled with tremendous fear and distress. I remember very clearly deciding to treat myself to an expensive veggie burger to try and relax and enjoy my lunchbreak, but I threw it up immediately and felt so sad about the wasted money. Were those daily vomits due to stress, or just because I ate breakfast before my stomach was ready? Because coffee didn’t suit me? Because maybe I had some kind of food allergy?

Just a few weeks ago, I was reflecting on that time and laughing about even with the obvious symptoms I couldn’t even tell I was anxious. And now the gods have punished me for my hubris, because once again I find myself in the same circumstances and I have no fucking idea why.

The first time I spewed I figured it was anxiety since it was directly after a huge tea ceremony event that I’d been stressing about for months. And then the following week I started my new job, so it made sense that I was stressed and not digesting things well in fight/flight mode. But then again, I was getting up earlier than usual to catch the bus, so maybe it was because I was forcing myself to eat before I was ready? Or maybe my soy milk had gone off because coffee tasted weird? Or maybe I had some kind of tummy bug?

I went to the doctor, and she agreed that it was likely anxiety. She gave me some medication that dissolves on my tongue, so I don’t need to worry about swallowing a pill and trying to keep it down long enough to be digested. She instructed me to see her in a week if it still wasn’t better, just on the off chance it wasn’t psychosomatic.

Well, it’s been over a week. The medication helps a lot, but on one occasion I couldn’t stop vomiting even after I took it. I’m usually nauseated in the morning, but I’ve vomited at lunch and dinner too, and sometimes even before breakfast or hours after I’ve had dinner. Even when my body tells me I’m hungry and craving a particular food, I’ll have a nibble of it and then immediately throw up. Or I’ll be feeling fine, but I’ll have a tickle in my throat so I’ll cough to clear it, and then I can’t stop coughing and suddenly I’m vomiting. There’s no sense to it, and it’s made me resentful of food, and distrusting of my body’s signals.

It’s taken me a few days to realise, but I don’t always eat when I’m hungry. For example, when I feel heartburn and acidity in my stomach, my usual treatment is to put food in it to reduce the acidity. So I’ve been mistaking “burning” for “hunger”. Likewise when I feel ill, sometimes I think sugar will help. Or when I feel weak, I need carbohydrates. And none of those are the actual tummy rumbling hunger that tells me my stomach is empty and wants to be filled.

And those feelings are still super hard to tell apart. As I write this, I think I have a tiny rumble of hunger somewhere deep down, but I also feel the clenching of my stomach that would probably be eased with food, and the general sense of weakness that comes from not eating. But then I’ll get a wave of nausea and it makes me not trust any of them.

I’m so reluctant to put food in my body when it’s just going to hurt me. But I know I have to keep eating otherwise I’ll die. So I carefully balance the risk. When I get hungry, I eat as much as I want while trying to avoid becoming so full that I want to puke again. When it gets to a mealtime and I feel obliged to eat out of habit, if I’m not feeling hungry I just don’t eat. I might snack on a square of chocolate or something, but if I had to guess I’d say I’m probably eating half as much as I used to a month ago. I’ve lost about 2kg in two weeks I think – I don’t normally measure, but now that it’s a health issue I’m trying to use the scales at the gym.

Overall this sucks and I hate it. I cannot wait to talk to my doctor tomorrow.