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Bonjour, tout le monde et Uncyclopedié. Moi, je suis Monsieur Emmanuel Jean-Michel Frédéric Macron – le, ow yoo zay – King of Europe. I am officially King of Europe since 2017; unofficially I have been here forever.
I am neither French nor European; I am a human being. Being human is what makes us human.
One simply does not call me Manu. C'est là mon trigger. The last person who called me Manu is now Prime Minister of la Belgique. Coincidence? Je ne crois pas!
I run a small country known as France on a day-to-day basis, and it can be very tiring, so I have enlisted the help of 52 Prime Ministers to run it with me, taking turns to run it every week. This can be tedious, problematic, it leads to a lot of rioting; but that's okay because it's how we have run things for the last 700 years. If we changed the rules now, it would mean a lot of paperwork. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that in Rhode Island any marriage where either of the party is an idiot and/or lunatic is considered null & void? And therefore, almost everyone in the state is, technically, a bastard? (Pictured)
- ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
- ... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
- ... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
- ... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
- ... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
- ... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
- ... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
In the news
- Donald Trump sends condolences to "Lon Chaney" believing he is Dick Cheney.
- Dick Van Dyke mistaken for David Letterman
- UnNews shutting down - because we couldn't let Wikinews have all the fun
- Artemis II spacecraft shits itself passing the Moon
- Trump talks to America on Iran, Chuck Norris, the Moon, March Madness, and firing Pam Bondi
- World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
- Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
- Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
- Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
- The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
- US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
Ongoing: War Special Combat Operation "Ceasefire" in Iran • NASA deep-scrubbing the shit out of Fartemis II • NBA and NHL playoffs • MLB season • NFL fans overreacting to their teams' draft picks
Recent deaths: Smiling Friends • Diana Russini's career and marriage after being caught sleeping with Mike Vrabel • The Kerri Strug biopic, Perfect • Dave Mason • Nate's toe • Paladin
Upcoming deaths: Mikey V's career and marriage • WikiNews • The Amazing Digital Circus • Euphoria (?) • The Boys • Hazbin Hotel
On this day
April 29: Annual Belly Button Lint Harvest (Peru)
- 1108 - Last of the Ancient Jizzlamists captured and killed by the Abbasid Caliphate, challenging their Golden Age's renowned tolerance.
- 1862 - New Orleans falls to Union forces under Admiral David Farragut. Union forces would later prove to be the undoing of the manufacturing sector, curse you commies!
- 1942 - Brave Peruvian ace pilot José "Speedy" Gonzales caricatured by shameful American cartoon. (Pictured)
- 1954 - On a dare, a group of drunken Oxford History postgrads build Stonehenge in just under five hours in the middle of the night, Oxford fabricates druids to save face.
- 1968 - The controversial musical Hair, based on an Oscar Wilde work, opens on Broadway.
- 1988 - Video kills the Radio Star: Video is promptly arrested.
- 1993 - Don DeLilo's biting surrealist novel, Jacomo's Belly Fluff, panned by critics as "bourgeois" and "insufficiently postmodern."
Picture of the day
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As always, Freud has the answer. Image credit: Spintherism |
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