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“Well, you are an unusual one,” the large dragon paused, looking down with eyes wide. Her massive plates looked to be impenetrable, her wings filling most of the large, domed chamber in which many hallways converged.
“Most of your types attack with little provocation. Which is a shame, because this form causes me to fight without holding back, much to their detriment.” She tilted her head to one side.
“You, I might be able to spare, if you will follow my instructions. Please, go this way.” She pointed to a hallway on the right with her nose and waited.
“You need to stay ahead of me.” She raised her long, scaly neck. “Do not arouse my suspicions. I will not have any control if that happens. And trust me, flames, claws, and teeth are not my only methods of attack.”
She sighed. “I know it doesn’t give you much choice, but the fact is you really don’t have much of one. Follow my instructions and live or raise my ire and die. I don’t have any choice in the matter, either."
“That’s right, down the hall. You are aware of the evil sorcerer who owns this castle? He changed me into this. That was painful, I can tell you that much. Now I’m just one part of his vast network of defenses. I can also tell you it’s no fun. I don’t even know how long I’ve been here.” She sighed again. Her large body filled the width and height of the great hallway; there was no getting around her now to go back the way she had come.
The hall seemed typical of the place, high arched stone with little decoration. A painting of a log cabin in the woods hung to one side, except the figure in the painting was in motion, a bearded man in furs chopping wood. He paused as the dragon approached, then shook a fist at her before returning to his task.
“I don’t know his name.” She sighed again with a small nod towards the figure in the painting.
“That is one of the many traps in this place. He was not very nice, but he was fast. Thought he found an open door to the outside, but it shrunk as soon as he passed through it and became this painting. I think the man explored that realm for quite a while before he came back and built the cabin in the picture. I didn’t see him do it. I came past here and just saw it one day, then saw him another time, like today. I think it must be lonely there, too.” She continued on, head down.
“I suppose you may wonder if I am leading you into a trap as well.” She shook her long maw. “That is not my intention. I wish I could think of a way to convince you of this. But I am fairly certain this is a safe way out for you. I have no reason to believe otherwise. It certainly has to be better than death, or remaining trapped here like I or that former knight are.”
“Stop here. Let me press this stone.” She reached for a block in the wall, touching it with the back of one of her great claws. A door appeared in the wall.
"See that door?” She waited a moment. “You will need to run the length of the small hallway it leads to. It is far too small for me to follow. I will open this door and you will see a door on the other end. It looks like a small meadow with some woods beyond it."
She continued. "I think I remember coming that way many years ago. Sometimes, when the wind is right, I can smell the grass and the trees from here. But you must run. The doors will not stay open long and I cannot re-open them for a very, very long time. Someone else once went through there but hesitated before departing. You must go past their remains. Please do not stop until you are out."
She looked directly at you. "I cannot guarantee that this is the right way or a safe way. It is, however, the best I can do for you. Good luck and please do not come back. Are you ready?”
She reached higher on the wall. “Go!” She pressed something and the door opened.
Another door on the far end of the hallway opened a second later, lighting the way and illuminating dried bones with a decaying pack not far from the closer door. As described, a green field with woods beyond could be seen.
Will you run?
You were exploring an evil sorcerer's castle and have defeated several monsters, bypassing even more traps. When entering a great chamber where many large hallways converge, you find a humongous dragon seated on a pedestal. The dragon reacted quickly as you approached...
Written for ShapeShifter's monthly's May contest:
Does it meet the requirements of the contest? This is completely post-TF. I debated writing more of her story with the TF, but time was a major factor (as usual) and keeping it short seemed to work better for the flow. It's less than a five-minute read, but if it works, it works.
I guess the real question is, would you trust the dragon?
This critique was brought to you by the FBI. Merry Critmas!
This may be a bit nitpicky since I'm going to refer to specific lines and phrases, but I find that I do better with short works when it comes to critiquing writing, so here it is. Hope you don't mind ^^
Such a deep and insightful theme you've chosen! The words and actions, particularly when paired with the dialogue tags, work together brilliantly, harmonically even, to create a cohesive irony centered around the theme of choice--or rather, the lack of it. The idea that even the choicegiver is choiceless is a beautiful, evocative concept. The most powerful may be just as helpless as the weakest.
I think it admirable that you referenced the massive size of the dragon multiple times throughout the narration, which is a great way to grant her one aspect of might, and then contrast it directly with her words, which speak of her helplessness regarding her fate and actions towards the unnamed protagonist. (This can be seen especially in the third paragraph.)
At first, when I hadn't finished reading this work, I would have recommended using stronger diction in some places, such as rephrasing "...massive plates looked to be impenetrable". I would have said that of course the grand dragon's scales appear impenetrable, and I certainly could see that you may have been writing from the protagonist character's perspective, but replacing looking with were would make the description (and therefore the atmosphere) more solid and grand, which is the tone I'm getting from this story. However, after reading through the rest of the story, I think your initial choice is quite appropriate. The dragon, at first seeming to be the menacing beast, a typical dungeon obstacle, is later revealed to be as helpless as she seems to think the protagonist is. Well played!
I also like this sense of mystery shrouding the protagonist, the character that the viewers insert themselves into. The deliberate choice to exclude the protagonist's voice perfectly portrays their presumed powerlessness. You've somehow found a way to write in the perspective of this unnamed, non-speaking, undescribed character, with no characterization that would hook readers like typical books do, while keeping the story extremely engaging. Bravo!
The only suggestion I would make is to break up the paragraphs a bit more, which could potentially make the reading experience flow smoother, though it is already great as is. I believe some basic indentations and paragraphing would suffice, nothing big. Starting a new paragraph whenever the narration changes to a new topic (I think you already do that here) and maybe whenever the dialogue (or rather, monologue, in this case) shifts ideas/topics. Little things like that, which don't matter as much. As I said, the story is already splendid as it is!
Overall, I think you wrote a truly splendid short story that twists typical fairy tale tropes in a very intriguing and engaging way!
