3c0

somewhere to synthesise the slop

I’m back at it friends. I’ve just spent at least 2 hours trying to decipher how the class and IDs work on the layout. I wanted a border for each article/entry and I’ve managed to achieve that!

I admit that there was a point where I stopped “studying” code and would just use context clues—which is what I did here I reached out to one of the layout creators for help. Thanks, Dino for being my penpal on this. I’ve missed customizing layouts, so this was a fun exercise for the weekend.

I wish I had more time to geek out over design, buuuuuut. Nah. This is as much as I’m willing to do for now. I would like to add some cute sparkly backgrounds for my Taro blog but, let’s leave that for next time.

I just have to remember that there are layers to this. There’s the layout for the “feed”/main blog and then a whole other one for each individual article when clicked.

#design #daily

You can’t have everything. You really can’t. In this capitalist reality, you’re either poor, with just enough and mildly satisfied with life, with lots of time and energy to love and to be, or the moment you choose money—something’s going to give. Something will break if you try to still have everything.

What is the diagram for this? What’s the visual of the input and output and your body’s capacity/breaking point? I’m trying to imagine it in my head.

When you choose poverty, you are hovering in a liminal state, not quite fully participating, but spiritually—you might be able to feel a lightness. Because you’re not tied down to Kronos. Or the Machine’s numbers and profiteering game. You’re free to be able to throw yourself fully into something, disappear and be one, and therefore feel spiritually full. It’s easier to do that with the freedom of time. With the headspace, without fear. It’s not so easy to do that when you have to earn within the confines of the capitalist machine.

You try to be okay. We all “try” to make it work, but reality is something cracks. Something degrades and erodes. You cannot for example, have 2 part-time jobs, a social life, an online social life, and a long-distance relationship. No, that’s too much. Maybe, you can have 2-part time jobs, a tiny offline social life, and a long-distance relationship. But not all the previous elements. Or maybe, we just don’t have the right rhythm for it because The Machine took away our creativity. The rhyme is different. There is no reason. There doesn’t have to be.

Perhaps, after I’ve calmed down... I can let go of this story and re-imagine all of this in terms of the largeness and limitlessness of the soul. What about the spiritual life? The largeness of everything, and how all and each of us are carried and nurtured within this everything, and it’s going to be okay. Perhaps. Perhaps.

I de-activated my Instagram account. I knew it was going to happen. This push and pull. It’s really hard not to feel like I’m enough. It’s really hard not to feel like I’m giving too much again. I don’t know know what to do. I asked, and let’s see what he answers. I’m scared that the answer is… you can’t be. Not in this life.

#writing #daily #hurting

So many dreams, all day long. I slept all day long. My old friend, Julius was in one of them. Him and a guy that I’ve met in real life but… was not Boyfriend, someone familiar. We were all matching somewhat and wearing similar colours. When I pointed it out, one of them mentioned about taking a picture to capture the moment. So I did. Was Garfield somehow involved? There was also a scene with a handful of my batch-mates from high school were about to go to jail. I don’t remember what for, but I was giving them hugs before it morphed into another part of the dream. At some point, I was in a dream where Ethan Klein was hitting on me and trying to make me his side-piece. Ew, I know. I had just been watching a video about the whole ordeal so I think it was fresh in my mind. There was also, as part of a ceremony, where I was helping a kid and his dad unfurl a flag that was tangled. They were going to be walking down towards the stage as part of a parade (I was a close family friend or I think teacher of the child) but the flag kept being tangled up. I told them to walk slower and that we’ll get it. They just need to trust me and wait. We eventually did and all was well.

Since my friend L found a printer I’ve been printing out old writings. I moved away from my dependency on LiveJournal, to this site called “Write Together”–does anyone remember that? It encouraged me to write again, and quite verbosely.

In this return to writing, I feel the challenge of finding the thoughts. Focusing and creating a unity. Even though I meditate, the mind, when trying to write feels scattered. It’s definitely gotten better since I limited my YouTube rabbit holes, but it’s a new writing era once again. I want to keep reading and refraining from digital dependency in every moment. Must I bring my phone everywhere? Must I scroll through YouTube before bed? Can’t I pick a book and stick to it? The reason for all my dreams for example, was that I fell asleep with YouTube playing in the background. I think it affected my dreams and consciousness. I’m glad that I remembered it though. That’s a sure sign that I am allowing for my body to feel spaciousness and pause.

#writing #daily #dreams

Not to be confused with grief-mogging. JK. What is that even?

My body becomes so aware when I am speaking out of turn. When, I am getting ahead of myself a little bit. I was quite excitable and energetic today because I got to have a real, full nap. I had the most energy in the room even though it was almost 1AM for me. I am aware that my curiosity, drive, and even spirit is “not for everyone”. And that’s okay.

I wrote the above after one of the online workshops I attended after my last work call finished at 11:30pm. I was late as a result. A part of me felt too tired to show up at all. It’s my first full week working the two jobs (I now thankfully have), and in spite of napping and sleeping as much as I can, I could feel my body yearn for rest and silence. But, because I was given a free ride “scholarship” for the workshop, I wanted to challenge myself to show up in spite of the difficulties and resistance.

This was a space of ideas with fellow-learners. I wanted to show up for them. As a former flake, it was always easier for me to choose myself and disappear or choose what I want instead of what might be for the greater good and the good of the community, or even just one other person. I put myself first because I had it in my head that I was the only one who cared about me. Last night I chose community and I note that it has been my default of late, to think bigger and wider, than to just narrow in on what makes me, and only me feel good. I’m very happy I joined the session, even if I was a little late. I actually wrote something substantive on LinkedIn as a result. And that makes me feel good. Writing hasn’t felt easy or natural in the last few months. I’m trying to get around that by reading.

As mentioned, Ursula K. Le Guin’s essay-blog collection is inspiring me to focus and gather my thoughts and concentrate on one topic. Tonight, pre-amble and pleasantries aside, I am restless because there’s so much to say and write about grief.

Where do I even begin? Do I begin with the fact that in order to look for tissues a few minutes ago, I had to open the door to my storage and then remove piles of clothes, only to place them on top of another pile of clothes, just to look for a stack of tissues. They weren’t even where I thought they were. They were safely in the closet because I had dreaded about a future where I was piling clothes on top of piles of clothes in order to look for them. I had forgotten that I planned for this moment.

“In every ending, there is a passage