nadia

we talked to a few people including our ex about this magic idea. relationship magic after a breakup. our witch friend talked about a knife she used to cut away relationships that weren't serving her anymore. lo cringed at the idea of a knife. lo was thinking about scissors, but even that felt difficult. lo isn't ready to be parted from them in that manner. and we had been hoping to preserve some kind of friendship with them. our ex had said they would like us to be able to encounter one another in the world, amongst our mutual friends. they would like that to be possible. they would like our friends to be able to invite us both to parties, without our friends feeling like they need to protect me from our ex by excluding them. and they would like to be in these spaces with us, "without too much awkwardness". for this to be possible, for it to not be too painful, lo thought we would have to be friends.

this goes counter to how we've handled heartbreak previously. in college, when lo's boyfriend left them the second time, lo tried to stay friends because they weren't ready to lose him. i'm the one who had to impose the boundaries, to protect us. we could excise him from our lives with no real consequences. we were sophomores and friend groups were still evolving so it was possible to avoid one another without losing too many other relationships. but i acknowledge that local trans community is different. one has to take more care because one doesn't want the community to split into factions over something like this. we don't want our ex to lose access to possible sources of support, or us to lose access to important connections we made through them, or for friends to feel like they have to take sides and also lose out on possible sources of support. also, i'm not as emotionally unaffected this time. i didn't care about the college ex. he didn't even know about me. but our recent ex...i loved them. i thought they loved me too. that makes me loath to throw it away.

when we talked to our ex, who are also witches, we touched on this. not a knife, to cut the relationship, but something to...re-form it. bring it into its next phase. our ex suggested fire. lo cringed at this as well. burn up the entire relationship? like it was worthless? like nothing was worth preserving? they brought up their sewing idea. not just scissors, but a needle and thread. to take what we have, and mold it into something that will work for us better than the partnership did. our ex seemed to agree.

but when we met up to discuss the form the relationship would take going forward, we understood why they had suggested fire. they had no feeling left for us, they couldn't remember having feelings for us, our entire relationship seemed like a weird mistake they didn't understand how they had gotten into. true friendship seemed impossible, they weren't sure they cared anyway.

they intended for us to be acquaintances.

#sorry #i know this is tiresome #but i have to write it down somewhere