eck

It took me a lot longer than it should have, really. Bear with my long possibly TMI story. xD; I'd never known anyone asexual before, most of my girlfriends were the typical girls that long to be married and all that- and the guys were the same- or they were completely gay/bi. People can be 'pretty' or 'ugly' to me which could be seen as attraction, but I never felt the slightest desire accompanying any visual appreciation. I never had any actual crushes or things like that like most kids do either.

My mom has been pushing me to date since I was like 12 years old though, so it was really frustrating. I didn't understand why everyone was getting crushes and melting over hot guys and stuff when I wasn't- and didn't even have a real drive to date outside of "i want to be normal- and dating is normal".^^; I've always been independent so I just blamed it on that.

Then came the problems when I actually started dating. I was told, and told myself, that it took time and I should give everyone a chance. I just hadn't met 'mr.right' yet or whatever- the spark would come. But it didn't, and I never had any sexual attraction or desire for anyone, anything, that I dated or didn't date. My relationships drug on WAY too long because I kept telling myself to give it more time rather than ending it when I should have. It wasn't working with men so I wondered if I was a lesbian and dated a few girls. It was different, of course, but nothing changed and there still wasn't a spark.
I even forced myself to have sex because I felt I owed it to my partner for staying with me so long, and also as a sort of self test (I was raped when I was little and my mom said the only reason I didn't enjoy touching must have been because of that- and I didn't know if she was right- but that wasn't the case- there was no fear or recall or anything) which is a horrible reason and I regret it.;;; I didn't enjoy it at ALL, wasn't interested at ALL, and that just made it awkward and horrible. 8D;;;

Had I known asexuality was an actual sexuality and I wasn't just WEIRD like everyone kept calling me (my mom especially, she still thinks it's impossible) I would've realized a lot sooner without breaking multiple people's hearts just to figure myself out. u__u

I've researched it a lot, and it looks like some asexual people actually do enjoy sex, they just don't tend to get horny or sexually frustrated like most people do- and often find no difference in preference between men or women because it's all sort of the same/not very interesting to them. I am like... extremely asexual I guess? My body never reacted at all. LOL. Being asexual does not mean you can't fall in love with someone, no way, it just means you don't have a sex drive like most. It's kind of depressing, because I'd like to believe love isn't about sex- but I stopped dating altogether because in the end everyone wanted it and it just wasn't something I could give because it just made me feel awful and there was no desire. :/

I often joke that if someone found me a man that lost his dick in an accident to send him my way cuz he'd be my perfect guy, LOL. I am completely happy by myself, but I'm not against the idea of spending my life with someone if the right person (ie: dickless man or another asexual woman XD) actually came along. I have absolutely no expectation I'll ever meet someone like that though, hahaha.