Dear Mirvana,

Why must dating be such a struggle? I’ve been dating on and off for 40 years, and it hasn’t gotten any easier, just the tools and methods have changed. Let me tell you my story…

I think I had my first real date – a boy asked me to a school dance or something – when I was in Junior High, at about age 13. We danced at arms length to The Pointer Sisters and Herbie Hancock, the B-Boys and Run DMC. It was awkward. It was also complicated. At that time, we were in the midst of an AIDS epidemic, when there was no treatment yet, and it was essentially a death sentence. Even so, condoms and abstinence were pushed on us to no avail. There were plenty of teen moms in my graduating class. It was the 1980s. But, I was scared shitless about having sex, considering the possible consequences of death or motherhood.  

Fast forward into the next decade and dating is still awkward, but now it involves alcohol. I was old enough to go to bars, and hanging out with people my age generally involved drinking. I met my first husband at a keg party – you know – college-age kids get together at a house, maybe it’s a frat. In this case, it was an apartment building on Joe Hammer Square in Oakland. The party was happening in the whole building – everyone had their doors open, there was a DJ friend (shoutout to Alex!) of mine set up on one of the landings in the stairwell. The beer keg was set up in one of the apartments and the whole building was vibrating. If you aren’t familiar with how kegs work, sometimes the beer comes out slowly and you have to pump it. Sometimes it would be all foam. It was a tedious process of self-service that could take a long time, so there was always a line for the keg. 

That’s where I first saw him. I was standing in line, my plastic cup in hand, wearing a flannel shirt over my Slayer T. It was the 1990s. Also note that I’m short – 5’3” – and it doesn’t matter where I go or what I’m doing, the tallest man in the room will stand right in front of me and block my view. Every. Frickin. Time. Needless to say, there he was standing in line right in front of me – a massive guy who looked like a viking. I don’t know what inspired me that night, but I rolled around to face him. He was 6’8″. The top of my head just barely reached the middle of his chest. I had to tilt my head all the way back to see his face, and then I said, in my most devastatingly cute voice, “I’m not afraid of you!” We eventually got married. 10 years later, we got divorced. C’est la vie.

Well, after a decade of being out of the game, I was suddenly thrust back into the dating pool, and EVERYTHING changed, and I mean EVERYTHING. There was a proliferation of dating web sites, like match-dot-com and eHarmony. It was the mid-2000s – my “Indie Sleaze” period as I call it. I was in my mid-30s, and I quickly learned that it was not a great time to be single. There were very few people my age on the dating sites. The available men were in their 20s or 40+, and they were all looking for younger women (younger than me at the time). Even the 50+ year-olds, you old creeps! The 20-something guys just wanted to get laid. The 40+ guys were not much different, except that they had Exes, and baggage, and possibly children. I was relatively young to have been married and divorced already.

Not only that, but the rules of dating had also changed, and I was totally clueless. Like for example, there are rules about when to call him, when not to call him, what to talk about on that first date, how many dates to have before agreeing to sex, etc. I did not get that memo. I didn’t like playing by those rules. I had just gotten out of marriage prison and I was rediscovering myself. I questioned my sexuality, and my whole purpose in life. But, dating, for me at that time, was a continuous string of bad decisions and disappointments. I had some of the most regrettable relationships that I EVER had during that time, but I kept searching, thinking there was a better way. Was it inevitable that I discovered polyamory? As if dating wasn’t hard enough for me already. 

I eventually met someone who stuck around, and is still one of my loving partners to this day. For that, I am truly thankful. Being poly, I have the freedom and flexibility to connect with other people, but it seems even harder to do so now. There are more dating apps than ever, but they all SUCK, especially for someone like me, a 50+ married polyamorous pansexual. 

Fishing in a Teaspoon

Dear Fishing,

My dear child, this “dating” you speak of – it is a ruthless business. Most dating apps are there for the coin, and not for the benefit of humanity. Dating is also a brutally competitive sport where some are great swimmers, while others flounder in the mud. Do not waste your time trying to master these waters unless you desire a constant seafaring life. You are merely a recreational fisherman who wishes for better luck. Have patience. Create situations where luck has a better chance of finding you. Perhaps, step away from that brackish pool and turn your gaze to the horizon. Have you taken every path through the desert? Have you climbed every mountain? Sailed every sea? You will find opportunities where you have not looked before. The path is indeed difficult, and the rewards hard-won, but your experience has made you strong and brave. You’ve got this.