endless cycle of defeat and doom

I am physically unable to function ordinarily in everyday situations. If you know me, you will have noticed this disturbing fact. In fact, I have three modes:

1. HAHAHAA I JUST HAD 200 MILLIGRAMS OF CAFFEINE FROM A LIQUID CALLED SOMETHING INVOLVING THE WORD "XTREME" BECAUSE IT'S TOO EXTREME FOR E'S! NOW I'M GOING TO RUN AROUND LAUGHING ALARMINGLY HARD AT NOTHING AND SUDDENLY DANCING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA.
2. dark depression. endless sleeping. death. moroseness. general unhappiness.
3. Special Mode Only Prompted by Presence of Clad Where Both Modes Have Actually Found A Happy Medium and Life is Full of Joy and Contentment Most of the Time.

As you probably noticed, the first mode is almost solely caffeine-induced. Caffeine is one of my very best friends. Although it tastes like bitter dying death pain (you will know this if you've ever had STAY ALERT gum. It is in all caps for a reason), it can successfully be smothered in massive amounts of Splenda, poured into a black can, and provide Lizzy with endless (not) energy and a confusingly non-situational feeling of perpetual well-being. Recently, I downed a particularly potent poison, and Stats class was probably the funnest two and a half hours of my life. I was just sitting there, grinning, sweating, and full of excited neurological tremors as my teacher calmly explained power and how it is like a metal detector. I can't tell you how hilarious and amazing everything seems when you have had that much caffeine and then you are placed in a confined space and asked to listen to a statistics professor.

Unfortunately, I was not kidding when I said there are only three modes, the third of which is MIA for the next seventeen months. The rest of my life consists of Lizzy Sleeping, perpetuated only briefly by Lizzy Contemplating Doing Homework, Lizzy Finding Herself Physically Unable to Do Homework, and Lizzy Whining About Her Inexplicable but Real Inability to Do Homework.

The tough part is bridging the two modes in order to obtain caffeine. It has taken me nearly three days to successfully do so.

But now I have! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Love,
Lizzy ;)

dear body,

Dear Body,

Please explain to me why, exactly, you decided to wake up at 3:09 am this morning. Did you know you went to bed at 12:10? Did you know you got 3 hours of sleep? Did you know it is now 4:25 am and you still won't go back to sleep? Did you know you have a stats test in 12 hours your BRAIN over here is really scared about?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! WHY ARE YOU TORTURING MEEEEEEEEE....

Love,

Lizzy's Brain X/

dear red bull,

Dear Red Bull,

I'm really sorry I cheated on you with Monster. And then again with NeuroSonic. I know you have more caffeine and fewer calories than both of them put together. It's just that you're so disgusting. If you could be less disgusting, I would not have to cheat on you. Wait, in all fairness, Monster is equally disgusting. But I'm seriously considering running off with NeuroSonic, even though he's way more high-maintenance and also makes me feel like I'm on speed. Still, I'll never forget how fun you made statistics class. And the fact that I'm writing a blog post at 1:20 am. That is thanks to you also.

Love,

Lizzy.

Dear Honors 300R Professor,

Did you know that I have 10 'polished' pages of a 20-30 page research paper due in exactly one week? I do. Guess how many pages of that have been completed? Is your guess zero? You are correct.

I hate you.

Love,

Lizzy.

Dear Grad Student to whom I have been Enslaved,

I know technically I signed myself up for this. But really, I was planning to break the news to you many moons ago. You are a good person somewhere very, very deep down inside, but really I do not have time to go on making Excel sheets until I die. Even if I liked making Excel sheets. Which I do not. Also, I have read the names Wisner, Gregoire, Dalton K, and O'Hara MW so many times that they don't look like words any more. I have also typed them, put them into APA format, checked their comparisons, and made you a coding manual. And that was just what I did today.

Also, do you HAVE to color code EVERYTHING?

In conclusion, I love you, but please die.

Love,

Lizzy.

Dear Roommate,

You snore like a bear. Sometimes it wakes me up. From my bear dreams. That your snoring prompted.

Love,

Lizzy.

Dear Other Roommate,

You giggle and talk about Voldemort, your boyfriend, and iTunes in your sleep. Sometimes you also make up songs involving teeth, and hum loudly. If you could sleep a little bit quieter, that would be awesome. But if not, that's cool too, because you make me laugh.

Love,

Lizzy.

Dear Blog Readers,

Are you seriously still reading this? Don't you have lives or something better to do?

No really, though. You ought to stop procrastinating and do something useful instead of reading letters to energy drinks all day long. You'll rot your brain, you know.

Love,

Lizzy ;)

speed laundry

tiny french washing machine. notice it is only slightly larger than my head. And I have a pinhead.

When I was in France, and we had to go to a laundromat that closed at 9pm, we developed something we called "Speed Laundry." Important clarification: this does not refer to doing speed while doing laundry. I mean "Doing Laundry at High Speeds." This blog does not endorse the use of speed for laundry purposes. Or other purposes. Shhh you get the idea.

Here was our brilliant plan:

8:20- Realize it was 8:20.

8:20-30- Frantically gather up random clothes that may or may not need washing. Shove them into grocery bags, because we don't have a laundry basket or clothing carrying thingy.

8:30-Shove clothes into washing machine.

8:30-8:58- Sit in laundromat (for the record, I wrote "laundry mat" twice before I figured out the word is laundromat.) and discuss art.

8:58-8:59- Frantically shove clothes into dryer.

9-9:30- Pray the manager doesn't kick us out before our clothes are done drying. Succeed.

9:31- Grab clothes, shove back in grocery bags, run home as fast as possible because we don't live in the best neighborhood and oh my gosh is that drunk man talking to us and oh no we are not very big or very strong and quick quick enter the gate code and run run inside and pull the door closed and breathe heavily.

9:40-10pm- Hang up clothes on curtain rack, on top of radiator, in the bathroom, on the bedposts, on a chair, and anywhere else we can find. Later be chastised for potentially warping the wood. Apologize. Ask where we should hang the clothes. Be met with response we don't understand. Pretend to understand.

We repeated this cycle about once a week. It was highly effective. Here in the lovely United States, with a laundry mat (oh forget it, I just keep writing it like that) in our apartment complex that doesn't close, in a nice neighborhood...it is an improvement. I will say that. Also, it costs $3 instead of $20.

Also in France they have the smallest washing machines known to man.

Love,

Lizzy ;)