babies, boulots and buckets

this is a baby in a bucket. which is not what this post is about, but it is cute, no?

I want a baby. I don't know why, because I'm only 20, which seems very, very young, doesn't it? I feel much older than 20. But in any case, I want a baby. I suppose it's my biological programming, but I also think it's just me. The truth is, for all my brains and BYU studies, all I want to be is somebody's wife and somebody's mom. That's all I really want, and all I've ever really wanted. I got to talk to my sweet little cousins last night, and it just made me so happy, and so want a little boy or girl--or preferably both--of my own.

In French, a boulot is a job (as opposed to a career) that young people have for short periods of time. I desperately need one of these, but despite the fact that I've applied for every job I'm possibly qualified to do, and heard back from a number of places, no one will hire me. I can only conclude this is some sort of test or learning experience meant for my good, so I'm trying to learn whatever it is I'm supposed to be learning in the meantime. So far, I've mostly learned not having a job is stressful, and makes you very angry when other people eat your food. You may even leave angry notes on all of your food. Your roommates will be scared, but not enough to stop eating your food.

The good thing about not having a job right now is that I've been able to spend a lot of time with my dear roommates/sisters/wives/daughters Mikelle and Abbie, whom I love very much. I have also been able to concentrate on my calling as Relief Society Secretary (Mikelle's the 2nd counselor, it's a lot of fun), which I really enjoy and gives me a sense of purpose and satisfaction. 

The buckets part of this post is that that's how much it's raining. Buckets. I do not enjoy it. 

Finally, I am happy because I got to talk to Jesse for an hour and a half last night. He's my best friend (and no more--don't go getting any ideas) and I just love talking to him. I know to many people it seems like we're unnaturally close for just friends, but the truth is, I'm in love with Chad, and only Chad. Jesse knows it, has known it from the day he met me. He accepts that, as he puts it, "when Chad gets home [he's] going to have to give [me] up", and is really supportive and great about it. Really. But Chad's not here right now, and in the meantime, it's really nice to be able to have someone love me for who I am, and listen to me, and be there for me. Someone for whom I don't have to be strong, or confident, or perfect--I can just be me, and that's enough.

I still really miss Chad, though. A lot. I try not to think about it most of the time, but every once in awhile (like when I was talking to Mikelle at 2am last night), it hits me like a ton of bricks. Not a lot of things make me cry, but that'll do it every time. 

I'm really so grateful for the people in my life right now, though. My new roommate Kim is pretty great as well. She's very easy to be around and friendly and I'm glad she's my roommate. I love laying on the floor talking to Mikelle until super early in the morning. I love climbing mountains with Abbie in the dark. I love laughing on the phone with Jesse and Marcus. I love making button flip flops with my mom. I love talking to my adorable cousins. I love dinner with my grandparents. I love running errands with Janelle and watching stupid music videos with Shamae. 

I'm very lucky to have all these wonderful people in my life. And for this moment, I can smile about that.

Love,

Lizzy :)

PS-I let this blog go public again. :) 

it's rain, mikelle. water that falls from the sky.

weirdies posing. from left: me, abs, jesse, mikelle, cajin

It has been raining here. For days straight. I don't really mind the rain, per se. I don't have anywhere to go really, so it's not too bothersome, and it's not raining hard enough to cause any real problems.

My life is full of people, of my adopted families, Abbie and Mikelle and Janelle and Janelle's family, and of my real family--or, at least, the ones left in Utah. I'm the Relief Society Secretary in this ward, and so I have responsibilities there and I spend a lot of time with the girls in our ward. I've been meeting lots of new people in this new ward, and so I get the chance to try to describe myself, or some parts of myself, to someone who knows nothing about me. You learn a lot when you have to try to explain who you are to a stranger. I learned that I don't actually have hobbies or interests. I go to school, I work, I do research, and I spend time with people. That's it. There isn't anything else in my life. And I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

The problem is that people are transitory. They come, they go. We're with them for a brief moment, and then our paths split. I do not like the splitting of paths. I would like everyone I love to live within 10 miles of me, forever. But they won't, and that's a hard thing for me to accept.

So maybe, I need a hobby.

Love,
Lizzy ;)

change, change, it's time for it.

Well! So after these last few boring and depressing posts, I've decided that things are needing to have been having changing. That sentence was intentionally confusing, for the record. What I mean to say is, things need to change.

So here it is, the grand resolution post. Tomorrow I have to finish my part of the research paper and get it back to Dr. Hedges, I've taken wayyy too long on it already. And I have to work. For 2 hours. At least. Preferably 3. And I need to go to the gym. And I need to eat actual food that has some nutritional value. And I have to get up before 12, even though it's 1 am right now and I won't be asleep for another few hours.

None of these things are easy, even though theoretically I think they would improve my quality of life. Hmm. So it begins. But I've committed to you guys, so here goes nothin'!

Love,
Lizzy ;)

PS, did I mention I miss Jesse? Sigh.

when is summer going to start again?

Well, we're not hating our new place quite as much anymore. Although Abbie doesn't cook because the kitchen is so small. And our room is a disaster area (as always).

I still don't have another job (working on it), but I did get 5 hours a week of prep work for my current job--not exactly enough to live off of, but better than nothing, right?

On Saturday I said goodbye to Jesse, one of my very closest friends. On a scale of 1 to fun, it was a -214.

So, I don't feel like I'm having fun party times per se, but I do get to sleep in until 11. That's something, right?

Love,
Lizzy