itsrob’s statuslog

Someone ripped a bunch of pages out of my dictionary; it just goes from bad to worse.

A grizzly tried to go to a shoe store; he was shooed and left bare-foot.

The punishment for not using an Oxford comma should be jail time, a fine and community service.

If you're cooking breakfast remember that a boiled egg is hard to beat

A termite walked into a bar and said "is the bar tender here?"

My jogger friend overslept. Now she's running late

I called my local farm and had some sod delivered; a real grassroots movement

If there's anything worse than raining cats and dogs, it's hailing taxicabs

I heard they won't be making yardsticks any longer

My friend stayed on a merry-go-round for three days trying to set the whirled record

My nudist friend was in the army, said he hated how they were fatigued most of the time.

Be careful not to iron your four-leaf clover, you don't want to press your luck

My klutzy woodworking friend is actually very good at installing kitchens; counter-intuitive

Tall people sleep longer

You know what's blue and doesn't weigh much? Light blue.

People say George Washington had false teeth, I prefer to say presidentures

Origami enthusiasts are good at poker because they know when to fold

Gonzo started a chicken dating app on the side just to make hens meet

You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.

Our local jail is experimenting with having criminals take their own mug shots, cell-fies.

Dark is spelled with a 'k' instead of a 'c' because you can't see in the dark

When I saw my first strands of grey hair I thought I'd dye.

A courtroom artist was detained today, details are sketchy

The top salesperson at the funeral home is not always the best urner

I just got a universal remote, this changes everything

This morning my phone's voice-assistant said "don't call me Shirley," I must have left it in airplane mode

I don't know what hair is made of but it looks like 3/4 is just air

I take prides in my job as a lion tamer

At the observatory things are always looking up

I went to the grocery for soup but found they were out of stock

"Be there or be square" is something usually said by someone who's around

I always do my ironing first because it's the most pressing

If you want to work in the moisturizer industry, apply daily

If you'd like to be a mountain climber it helps to be in peak condition

I dated an FBI agent for a while but now she’s my Fed Ex

A bad impressionist walked into a bar, got asked "why the wrong face?"

If you can't find anyone to sing with you, you'd better duet yourself

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Actually it's a wrap.

If you get passed by a hearse are you overtaken or undertaken?

I know its a little cheesy but I believe we're free to brie you and me

My friend had to pull a few strings when she started her rope factory

When you see a murder of crows there will be probable caws

I was such a fat baby that instead of by stork I arrived by crane

The pedantic owl says "whom, whom"

The guy who fell into the upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

My dentist friend married his manicurist, they fought tooth and nail

The best donuts are made from hole wheat

If you're out of paper towels you might need a Bounty hunter

I have a love-hate relationship with antonyms

When asked what he does for a living my taxidermist friend usually says "you know, stuff"

I went to the Franciscan yard sale looking for a grill but they only had friars

I destroyed the entire glove industry with my bare hands

A person in a tree with a briefcase might be the branch manager

I wonder if most flight attendants went to boarding school?

I stand corrected said the man in orthopedic shoes

My drummer friend named all his girls Anna. Anna 1, Anna 2 ...

You can tie the earth to the moon if you have an astro knot

Shark hits something metal and thinks “aw, ship!”

You’d think Rome would have produced more #1 hits, the whole place is built on classic rock

If you bring up botox in Hollywood no one raises an eyebrow

My vampire friend was a terrible proofreader because typos made him thirsty.

I published a book on poltergeists; I'm told they are flying off the shelves

I said I wanted $125,000 a year and decent benefits. The HR guy said "how about full medical, full dental, 5 weeks' vacation and a company car?" I said "wow, you're kidding!" He said "yeah, but you started it."

I hear it is pretty easy to get ladies to stop eating tide pods but it is more difficult to deter gents

It would be nice to switch to metric but people in America get really uptight about foreign rulers

I'm dating an Italian bricklayer and it's cement to be!

If you are protesting the coal industry, it is your words against mine.

I could be a psychic lumberjack I saw it with my own eyes

Hotdogs really resemble one another when they're in bread

Sardonic vegetarians are wry on ham

Spoiler alert: I left the milk out on the counter for a couple of days

My lawyer friend said whenever he argued in front of this rambling judge he was prepared for a long sentence

I told the librarian I wanted a book by Shakespeare. "Which one?" ... "William"

Dinosaurs decorate their bathrooms with rep-tiles

Once we have self-driving cars, country songs can have your truck leave you, too. Stand by your van!

My friend was moonlighting as a priest, his altar ego

I asked my chef friend if they ever serve raw steak, he said "yeah, but it's rare"

My friend’s monkey and my monkey share an amazon account because they’re prime mates

Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawn shop?

My artistic photo of a wheat field ended up sort of grainy

Do you think the arachnophobia hotline has a website?

It's so cold my friend turned to his piano for firewood, and only got two chords

Gardens are the opposite of gambling, you weed 'em and reap

If anyone tries to give you a broken candy cane let them know you only accept them in mint condition

The insomniac community has more than its share of unrest.

The cruelest way to make anti-freeze is to take away her blanket

My ship captain friend went bald and found himself increasingly worried about cap sizes

I have a chronic fear of giants commonly known as a fee fi phobia

I told the desk clerk "I'm sorry, but I forgot what room I'm in." He said, "this is the lobby, sir"

I heard Rudolph won't be able to fly this year because of bad grades, seems he went down in History

Our IT guy got new shoes - he rebooted himself

Plants that are sort of hungry will have a light snack

If you're here for the yodeling class please form an orderlyorderlyorderly line

I told my friend I was selling my car but he didn't buy it.

Nearly everything's a UFO when you're nearsighted.

My friend wanted to be a monk but he was never given the chants

I bet Cruella de Vil wears boxers

I bet Cruella de Vil wears boxers

My friend's parents both have red hair; he is a ginger-bred man.

flat-earthers enjoy traveling by plane

My astronaut friend had a misfire and wasn't exactly over the moon

I had a dream my orange was trying to speak to me but I didn't understand because I don't speak mandarin.

Frankenstein entered a body building competition only to discover he seriously misunderstood the objective

Guy yells to a stranger across the river, "I need to get to the other side!" Stranger yells back, "you are on the other side!"

Does an angry vegetarian have a legitimate beef?

It is surprising there are no conspiracy theories about corrupt blankets given the obvious cover-ups.

Without art, Earth is just 'Eh'

My career counselor said I couldn't be an exhibitionist, I said "watch me!"

Like me, Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. He was often known to say "I do not speak of my own Accord"

I was addicted to thanksgiving leftovers but I quit cold turkey

When tectonic plates run into one another one usually says "oops, my fault"

Papyrus was an important advance in reeding

I always bring bread home for the challah-days

Would working in amazon's shipping warehouse make you a professional boxer?

My trombone professor got in trouble for encouraging me to read band books

you can tell how hot a red chili pepper is if you give it a weigh give it a weigh now

If you think you might get tired during the day it is wise to carry a knapsack.

My broom always has a bad day when it doesn't get enough sweep

They say most people lean forward a bit when they nod their heads. I’m inclined to agree.

I heard it takes three sheep to make a sweater but I didn't even know they could knit!

When asked if I would be a good waiter I replied "let’s just say I bring a lot to the table."

If we have warm weather after labor day, I wonder if any frogs will still be wearing open toad sandals?

They say the vikings communicated in norse code

You may not know this but most broth lives in Stockholm

My friend got sick drinking municipal water so I sent him a "get well soon" card

My girlfriend said "you act too much like a detective, I want to split up." I said "great, we can cover more ground that way"

I thought the pepper was hot but my friend thought it was a little chili

When crabs need to get around on land they typically use a sidewalk

How babies learn to walk is really just staggering

I had a crazy dream that I spilled some mixed nuts and they started chasing me. One said, "I'm a cashew!"

I went to a costume party, and the host asked what I was supposed to be. When I replied "A harp", he said I was too small. I had to ask if he was calling me a lyre...

My magician friend occasionally gets really frustrated and pulls his hare out.

If you cross a cement mixer and a chicken you might get a brick layer.

My navy friend said portholes are round so the water doesn't hit you square in the face

If America changes from pounds to kilograms I expect it will create mass confusion

For halloween I want to go as a car key but I'm afraid I'll start something.

I couldn't fill my washing machine so I threw in the towel

Pig jokes are boaring

My church relocated which required an organ transplant.

Most models of dragons are not entirely to scale

I said I needed to call the doctor. She said "Which doctor?" But no, just the regular kind.

The army has a strict dress code that minimizes casual tees.

You'll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

If I had a cloning machine I'd be beside myself.

My friend sells waiting room seating, he's the chair man of the bored.

Accordion to a recent survey replacing words in a sentence with musical instruments will confuse readers.

The difference between a cat and a comma is that one has its claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

My friend and I started competing for who could shoplift the most from the pet shop. I've just taken the lead.

I took my overdue library book back in Italy, they said "that's-a-fine" and I said "gratuito!"

I slept with my phone under my pillow and when I woke up there was a quarter there instead. Must have been the bluetooth fairy.

I was forced to eat some purple food coloring, a real violation

I'd like to tell you a story about my bed, I made it up!

My friend had a knee dislocated and an elbow fractured in two barroom brawls, I said he should have learned to stay away from those joints.

Parking a car doesn't take up too much space but parking 20 takes a lot.

My friend rubbed ketchup on his eyes. He said in Heinz sight, it wasn’t a good idea.

New album from The Garbanzos: Hummus a tune

It must be hard to be a dentist for gift horses

Grandfather clocks are the original old-timers

If Edgar Allen Poe were about to run into a tree I'd like to think that you're the type of people who would yell "poetry!"

I bought a Saab from Neil Diamond on ebay, it was a ... Swede Car online! da da da!

Japan's emperor, deposed atop mount Fuji; that was a high coup.

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet. Whoops, e-daisies!

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be

When I think of my life and all the people I've lost along the way, I often think perhaps I shouldn't have been a tour guide.

When baby delights, and pitch of voice increases; we call this high coo

February second falls on Friday next year, but it will always be a Two's day to me

We watched 3 DVDs back to back, luckily I was facing the TV

I've had amnesia for as long as I can't remember

I turned down a ride in a limo because I hate long car trips

I found a new soap that is really good for the skin, no lye!

Before fall rolls in again I need to visit Michael Jackson's denim store Billie Jeans

My father used to say "don't be quick to find fault." Good man, terrible geologist.

Whoever named them "missles" wasn't being very optimistic

My friend will fix your broken air guitar for free, no strings attached

My friend rushed to the US Open after I told him it was a women's singles event

I was a member of a secret cooking society but got kicked out for spilling the beans

My robot ran away and joined the circuits

My friend was addicted to seaweed, he said 'I must see kelp'

A recluse wanted to borrow money so he called the bank and said "leave me a loan!"

My lawn mower needs a tune up, it's getting terrible grass mileage

My friend entered an alopecia contest and won by a hair

Eye jokes are the worst, there's nothing cornea

My friend used a grow light to garden in his basement: kales from the crypt

Sushi is the rolls-rice of seafood

I bet a dragon's favorite snack is fire crackers.

My friend's crab has a great job at the local pizza joint, working the crust station

Sharks usually spend their vacations in Finland

I set my wifi password to 2444666668888888 so I can tell people it's 12345678

I'm having a bubble wrap party, feel free to pop on by.

Trains like to chew chew their food

I went to air up my tires and saw it went up from $1 to $1.50. Inflation.

Wigs are not free, you have toupée

I went to a job interview and poured myself a glass of water which overflowed a bit. The interviewer asked, "Nervous?" and I said "No, I always give 110%"

The cookie cried because his mom was a wafer too long

Someone should try to advertise on the Hulk since he's really just a giant Banner

The taxi driver asked the wolf, "werewolf?"

Bobby Flay should marry a woman named Sue

Lots of folks investing in Ireland; the capital is always Dublin

P. Diddy's kids have nice hair because Sean Combs

Working at the sandpaper company is a daily "sell abrasion"

I was looking at my ceiling and while it isn't really the greatest it is certainly up there.

I wrote a self-help book, can anyone help me market it?

Pirates are good businessmen because they know how to raise sails.

I call my lizard "tiny" because he's my newt

Most people consider me a jackass of all trades

I've been asking what time it is all day and everyone tells me something different!

Good camouflage is hard to find

My friend had an IPO for his orchard but got arrested for in cider trading

Corals get stressed by current events

I didn't wear a seatbelt for years but after a lot of pressure from friends and family, I buckled

I went to Italy and got arrested for bumping into Michelangelo's David. I knew I had hit rock bottom.

you might say that waffle sitting on a California beach is a "sandy eggo"

If you need to build a fire by rubbing two sticks together, try to find two the same size; it is easier if they are a match.

My dog keeps getting attacked by ducks. Shouldn't have gotten a pure-bread

My friend never strays far from a cheese board; I call him "chevre which way but loose"

My yoga instructor is drunk, putting me in a very awkward position

My garbage man told me he had no formal training; he just picked up things as he went along.

I saw an Amish billboard that said, “don't drink or drive.”

My lawn is chicken-proof, simply impeccable

My dog says I should invest in tennis balls based on their high rate of return

mild cheese-loving singles are only the provolonely

Had a vegetarian dinner on a rooftop last night, a real mushroom with a view

Failure is the path of least persistence

You'll get stuck with debt if you can't budge it.

My curry was a little strong but I told myself "to err is cumin"

Movie stars are really cool because they have so many fans

I'm so fond of my furniture, me and my recliner go way back

I like to discuss herbs with my friend. We do some chive talkin'

I usually have confidence in my salads but the one I made last night was a real Kale Mary

Sometimes when I cook root vegetables I end up three beets to the wind

Even the most social vegans really don't like to 'meet'

A rental car ran over my foot, really hertz

A lot of museums are crowded this time of year, we went to the naval museum and were innie and outie in no time.

You know, PETA euthanizes animals in its shelters ... "You mean they make them younger?"

Naked bananas lack appeal

I offered my vegan friend a milkshake, he said "no whey!"

My friend was shy so he started rock climbing and now he feels boulder.

I occasionally want to leave out the apostrophe between n and t but it is contractionally obligated.

My friend was surprised he couldn't get a job as a doorman; he was sure it was an entry-level position.

I find a lot of people on the internet are laughtose intolerant

I prefer my yogurt served in the kitchen because I'm into counterculture.

Clones are people two

Fish live in salt water because pepper water would make them sneeze

If we added 3 more states we'd have a nice prime 53; one nation, indivisible.

I wanted to take my friend's place on the debate team but she talked me out of it.

Two elves typically meet at twelvish

Experts say the leading cause of dry skin is towels

My friend hates elevators and often takes steps to avoid them

Brief explanation of an acorn: an oak tree, in a nutshell

Math nerds love watching timber loads come undone because they fall in the natural log rhythm

When it doesn't rain enough the earth just has to make dew

My statistics teacher told me I was average which I thought was mean

I knew a competitive window cleaner who had a serious losing streak

Someone asked me where I got my hair cut and I said "right here on the ends"

The babysitter brought me an apple but I wanted an au pair

Dehydration really chaps my hide

My cartographer friend really put this town on the map

My friend reads braille; she said when the book is about to get interesting she can feel it.

I feel like 'scream for help' should be on every list of 100 things to do before you die.

I heard there is only one drink size in North Korea; the supreme liter

Taxis with strong morals take the high way.

I was a the DMV and saw a guy with a sign that said "guess your wait - $1"

I was addicted to line dancing and entered a two step program

I told the genie my first wish was to be rich. He said, "what's your second wish, Rich?"

Do they call them 'the dark ages' because of all the knights?

I get my donuts and cheerios at a store called 'hole foods.'

Pirates like singing but really prefer the loot.

I tried to get my pet fish to have an honest conversation with me but he was a being a little koi

my friend's computer arrived late, the delivery person said "it was a hard drive"

Hecklers Anonymous meeting tonight, bring your own boos.

if you want to be a locomotive operator you have to train really hard

knock knock. "who's there?" "i'm here to fix your doorbell."

when a US mint shuts down it just doesn't make any cents.

Every time I look at a topographical map I feel such a sense of relief

FedEx left an envelope on the porch labeled "do not bend." I'm still not sure how to pick it up.

They say nuclear energy is better than the old foggy kind.

A pirate takes a long time to learn the alphabet because they typically spend years at "C"

When I saw "HI" in the alphabet I thought I'd made a new friend. Then I saw the next two letters.

My friend lost his apple and fruitlessly called for help.

The loudest kind of pet is a trumpet

I have a black belt in trousers

A dog can't really read an MRI, so it will often order alternate tests like PET scans

If you flip a boat over it will always fit on your head; it's been capsized

Queue has five letters, one that makes the word and four patiently waiting their turn.

When a dog loses its tail it might have to get one retail

My friend with small hands has a microwave

Drivers who have never been in an accident are increasingly wreckless.

My friend worked one summer at the shoe store just for kicks

My ceiling fan is always all "yay ceiling!" and whatnot.

I bet the invention of the shovel was groundbreaking at the time.

I bet the person who invented the drill was really boring.

Is podiatry considered a walk-in clinic?

I have a fetish for misnomers

The word 'cliche' is so trite.

Waterbeds work best when filled with spring water

broken puppets for sale. no strings attached.

My friend opened up a new ice rink, only charges a dollar. Cheap skate.

A guy threw a piece of cheese at me, I thought "how dairy!"

Whenever I see a Frenchman wearing sandals I imagine his name is Phillipe Philoppe

The difference between inlaws and outlaws is that outlaws are wanted.

My boxer friend never threw lefts when he was training. I asked, he said he was exercising his rights.

My friend named his son Pert and then had it changed so the kid would always be an expert.

You know a lot of bankers are loanly

After the tragic death of the human cannonball a spokesperson said "we'll struggle to find someone of the same caliber."

I tried to take my car for service this week but couldn't fit it through the church doors.

My masseuse said I was a knotty boy.

I have a marker to test for fake $20s; i'm keeping things write on the money.

One thing I learned from Tetris is that if you fit in you disappear.

Probably safe to say the dinosaurs' least favorite reindeer is Comet

I love talking about the future as much as the next guy.

Whole numbers are pointless.

I try hard not to live backwards; that's evil.

If you're getting an accounting degree just know that it's accrual world out there.

A bear that finds itself outdoors in a light rain is a drizzly bear.

Good accountants excel at gymnastics; always keep their balance.

Not many people know this, but I'm famous.

My Hawaiian friend has a weird laugh. Some describe it as a chuckle but I consider it more of a low ha.

The farmer down the road had headaches. I had him arrested; turned out he had my grains.

The female woolly mammoth is typically known as a woolly ma'amoth

A colonoscopy typically uses a rear-view camera

My friend is a train engineer, which makes sense because in middle school he was on the track team.

The weather varies a lot in Nashville; I find myself wearing gloves intermittenly

I should probably be kept away from children; I'm a joking hazard

There's a new pottery night for singles in Nashville called "50 shades of clay"

Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates.

my friend couldn't pay for his exorcism, got repossessed

The Fibonacci convention this year promises to be as big as the last two put together!!

I had a boy scout friend who started a business fixing bicycle horns. Called it Beep Repaired.

Microscopes really allow us to enjoy the little things in life.

Shoutout to sidewalks for keeping me off the streets

The police are after someone who stole a single board game from our local shop, I think it's a trivial pursuit.

I have rechargeable batteries but plugging them in would be revolting.

My local brewery hired a rabbit and put him in charge of the hops.

What starts with 'w' and ends with 'hat'

I just found out that World Ballet Day was in October. Why in the world isn't it on 2/2 ?

My digital watch has a dead battery and a timeless look.

Pretty difficult to win a neckwear competition wearing an ascot, it's nearly always a tie.

Lots of restaurants are advertising the "big game!" but none of them have lion or even a wildebeest

Yetis tell time using their favorite sasq-watch.

Trust your calculator. You can count on it.

If you stole my body wash I'd like for you to bring it back, and you really have no excuse but to come clean.

My friend had to sit out the joust at the renfair last weekend. He was sir plus.

I bet a vampires' favorite fruit is a nectarine.

My new art pencil can tell the future. It's for shadowing.

A man named Eric Cole discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes. He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.

My friend told me his girlfriend was like the square root of -100. A perfect 10, but imaginary.

My friend was shocked to learn he is dating a communist. I told him he should have been looking for the red flags early on.

If pronouncing b's like v's makes you sound Russian, then Soviet.

Cannibals are often fed up with people.

Some deer need braces because of their buck teeth

Justin Timberlake's favorite part of Ukraine is the Crimea river.

A limbo champion walked into a bar and was immediately disqualified.

The teacher looked my way and said "Name two pronouns." I said, "Who, me?"

Swimming is often an arms race.

I'm really surprised Johnny Appleseed wasn't indicted for his tree-sons

After the controversy over the weekend I was thinking about beginning a career as a crowd estimator. I wonder how many people are in that field?

I was singing in the shower and got some suds in my mouth, starred in my own soap opera

French people eat snails because they hate fast food.

I got change for a dollar, put a quarter in the meter and the rest in a cup. That cup is now three quarters full!

I put a black hole in my den. It really pulls the room together. Also, I don't have to vacuum.

My friend got hit in the head with a coke, luckily it was a soft drink.

I sometimes press a shirt myself if I need one for a special occasion. I am iron man.

Lions shop at the maul

Did you know most sprinters don't eat anything before a race? They fast.

Dr Jeckyll feels best when he is de-hyde-rated

I was asked to leave the yoga studio and didn't want to leave, so I said "namaste"

My friend asked why I had so many evergreens at home and I told her she'd always said I should spruce the place up a bit.

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

Darth Vader likes his toast on the dark side.

my blacksmith friend threw out a good looking candlestick claiming "it smelt funny"

I read today that the Pentagon is changing all the nuclear codes to be over 140 characters

When I run the furniture committee I will see to it that we have several chair-persons.

My mom complained that I never bought her flowers but I never saw her selling any!

I tried watching that new reality show about chiropractors but couldn't get into it; just way too much backstory

I know some teenagers that only travel in groups of 3, 5, and sometimes 7 because they just can't even

I have a friend who struggled to become a beautician. She kept cutting class. Ultimately it took some makeup work and an extension course.

When Sherlock isn't around, Watson is just another Holmesless person

I can't decide between Scientology and Heaven's Gate. Wish I could be multi-cult-ural.

I found a suitcase containing a fox and four cubs. I called wildlife control, they said "that's terrible! are they moving?" to which I replied "I'm not sure but I guess that would explain the suitcase"

I was going to download the communist manifesto as an audiobook but then I heard that communism is only really good on paper

I took a photo of myself in the shower but don't think it is good enough to share; selfie-steam issues.

I was afraid of speed bumps but I slowly got over it

Yoga is for posers

Isn't it interesting that Kermit the frog and Henry the eighth have the same middle name?

I'm thinking of gumbo. Roux-minating.

Penultimate is my second favorite word.

I have two psychiatrist friends who got a condo together. We call it the nutcracker suite.

My friend was the first woman to be kicked out of the Louvre; you might say she broke the glass ceiling.

I was detained at the airport, apparently you're not allowed to call "shotgun" when choosing a seat.

When I was a kid my parents would always say "Pardon my French" before swearing. You can imagine my first day of school when the teacher asked, "Does anyone know any French?"

People who harvest honey have the prettiest eyes. I'm sure you've heard "beauty is in the eye of the bee holder."

My mathematician friend fears for her life when she has to travel. So she takes a small bomb with her on every flight. She says "the probability of a bomb on a plane is small, but the probability of two bombs is virtually zero."

My friend stopped mid-putt and bowed his head for a nearby funeral procession. I said it was a nice gesture, he said "well, we were married for 35 years."

I was out for a walk and found a rock that was 1760 yards long. A real milestone.

My lyft driver said "I love this job. I'm my own boss, no one tells me what to do." I said, "turn left."

Mozart killed his chickens because they wouldn't stop saying "Bach, Bach, Bach"

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F

"You're odd," she said. I replied, "not even."

Scientists attempted to splice genetic material from a melon with the genome of a collie but it produced a sad result.

my vegan friend wanted a belt and couldn't be suede

Every bit in your computer is either on a hard drive or on the bus.

My friend said if he dropped out of mixology school he'd end up turning to a life of crime. Now he's behind bars.

I have a great idea for a tiny nutcracker for small nuts and seeds, I'm thinking I'll call it "open sesame."

My nephew's t-ball league swapped in an orange last weekend, to add a little zest to the game.

The local furniture store keeps calling me but all I wanted was the one nightstand.

Saw a great documentary on how airplanes are assembled. Riveting.

I needed a password that was eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

my friend lost her pet hamster in a bucket of varnish. it was a terrible way to go, but a lovely finish.

fungi need so much space; they take up as mushroom as they can.

A Spanish couple was caught trespassing and said "but there were just two of us!"

My friend had an upholstery shop that almost went out of business, but then it recovered.

I took a photo as the plane was landing and got arrested for in-descent exposure.

Jet lag is a terminal illness.

Once upon a time there was a deer named Vinnie, who had a son known as "vinnie's son"

If you break your tuba you might need a tuba glue

My goat herder friend was pretty proud of his ramshackle operation.

To a few lobsters, the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle.

A missing letter can make a word of difference.

I was awake all night trying to remember if I had insomnia or amnesia

algebra was super easy in ancient rome, x=10 everytime

An astronaut's favorite part of the computer is the space bar

I saw a baguette at the zoo yesterday, apparently it was bread in captivity.

My friend's son often gets his way by acting sad. Sigh-cology

"That's a nice ham you have there. It would be a shame if someone put an S on the front and an E at the end of it."

My friend's arctic conservation group didn't get much participation. I warned him against calling it Club Seal.

Dorian Gray jokes never get old

I bought my girlfriend a refrigerator. Not the most romantic gift but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

When she was getting ready to marry Jay-Z you could have called her Feyoncé

My chemistry set blew up, I guess oxidants happen.

If a lion turns out to be a cannibal he might swallow his pride

My Christian friend's shoe shop caught on fire, he asked me to pray for the lost soles.

I hope you do well on your Canadian citizenship exam, hope you get an eh+

photosynthesis doesn't happen overnight

Local man admitted to hospital after swallowing a dollar bill. No change is expected.

A wig truck crashed in my neighborhood this morning, police are still combing the area.

When asked if he would like an aquarium, the man in the pet shop replied "I'd prefer a virgo."

I'm reading a book about how to avoid insults. I can't put it down.

Roy Rogers rode in on his horse and I said to my friend, "trigger warning"

If you're going gluten-free I can't say I agree but I applaud you for going against the grain

I have a horse I call "mayo." Because mayo neighs.

When you see a space man you park your car, man

Ants rarely get sick because they have anty bodies

did you hear the rumor about butter? i'd better not spread it

when the spice girls added a new member, pumpkin spice i knew it was the start of their fall

Mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas!

My friend said he was finally going to watch Back to the Future; I said it's about time

The impulse to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim away

I went to the air and space museum but there was nothing there

Anyone here who believes in psychokinesis raise my hand

My friend said "hey, it could be worse! You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water!" He means well.

I broke a finger last night but on the other hand I'm fine.

Our office contest for the best neckwear ended with a tie.

I really messed up with my HAM operator girlfriend. I apologized as best I could with dots and dashes over the air. Remorse code.

My long-winded accountant friend has trouble summing up.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency I always write, "A very good doctor"

I went shopping for a winter coat today and found many of them now have both a fleece/wool and a nylon/vinyl layer inside the outer shell. Disappointing since I was really hoping for a one-liner.

last night's art contest ended in a draw

My friend said his dog could retrieve a stick from a mile away; I said that was a little far-fetched.

Flatfootedness has always been my arch nemesis.

I bought a piece of eskimo art. I didn't love it, but he seemed really Inuit.

Doc told me I'm colorblind, I had no idea! It came right out of the green!

Entropy isn't what it used to be

Anyone else here solipsistic or is it just me?

Pirate: the cannons be ready, cap'n! Captain: "are"

A ton of feathers is heavier than a ton of bricks because you have to also carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

My coffee seemed a little strained this morning, turns out it got mugged

My garbageman is such an optimist. He said "this job stinks, but it's picking up"

I failed math so many times I can't even count

Cross a cow and an octopus and you'll get a ... reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

My friend was trying to grow asparagus. To protect it from animals he put some chicken wire around and over the plot. I decided it might be good to build a little roof just behind it to direct rain toward the plants. I said "this is the awning of the cage of asparagus!"

You could say cannibals are fed up with people

Saw an old man standing in front of the bar with his fishing line in a puddle. Felt bad, took him in for a drink, asked him "so, how many have you caught today?" He said, "you're the eighth."

I dreamed of a new color no one had ever seen. So far, just a pigment of my imagination.

If you have a lot of pi you might end up with a big circumference

After a successful heist, an art thief's van ran out of gas only a few kilometers from the Louvre. When questioned as to how he could miss this crucial detail, he said "I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!"

I've started a side business in my attic building yachts. Sails are through the roof.

my zombie friend went vegan, said it was a "no-brainer"

Met a girl online, we clicked

My friend claimed a secret method for making cows young again but when I asked how he wouldn't reveal it.

Nothing particularly wrong with being left-handed, but it isn't right.

I'm not sure whiskey will solve my problems but it's worth a shot

I shot a man on the paintball course, just to watch him dye

The second most popular guy at the hospital is the hip replacement guy

Noah kept his bees in the ark-hives

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn't.

I tiptoe past the medicine cabinet so I don't wake the sleeping pills

I've long suspected that someone is adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

I went dancing with a polish girl. You might call it 'pole dancing.'

Ad for meditation retreat: if you lived here, you'd be 'om' by now

My friend always goes to the dentist at two-thirty

I read today that the death valley marathon ended in a dead heat

When a cannibal is late to dinner he often gets the cold shoulder

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie, and a Czech one too, Czech one too

A lot of people dislike my cheap wig but it is a small price toupee

I estimate that 3.14% of sailors are pirates

I was in a minor traffic accident and discovered the mercedes bends

a red-headed baker could also be a ginger bread man

I can't trust a staircase; always looks like it's up to something.

I didn't learn what precocious meant until I was in my 30s

If you double-park your frog you might get toad

I hadn't planned on a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

my coffee cup got stolen, the cops said I could drop by the station and look over some mug shots

Lost: a jar of sand, silt and gravel. It is of great sedimental value.

The scarecrow told me "this job isn't for everyone but hay, it's in my jeans"

When we got to the end of the snack eating contest I turned out to be the loser. I still have a chip on my shoulder.

I have decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

I was voted 'most likely to rig a school election'

People seem to like bananas, they have a peel

Dentists prefer to receive awards on paper so they can avoid plaque buildup

Not all math puns are bad, just sum

My friend won't tell chemistry jokes because they never get a reaction

I thought my snail would go faster if I removed his shell but it just made him more sluggish

I dreamed of becoming an astronaut but my parents kept telling me "the sky's the limit"

You should never laugh at your girlfriend's choices; after all, you're one of them.

Words cannot express how limited my vocabulary is

Football players don't wear glasses because it is a contact sport.

If you think my comments aren't acidic enough for your standards I'll understand if you give me a pH D

Orion's belt is such a waist of space

Lif is too short.

I hate to brag but I have great financial skills; my credit card company calls up every day to tell me my balance is outstanding!

The inventor of knock knock jokes really should have won a no-bell prize

My friend said he was going to make a white trash movie; I said "I've seen your trailer"

The red paint and blue paint boats collided in the Atlantic. The survivors were marooned.

Purple is my favorite color; I like it more than blue and red combined

A magician walks down the street and turns into a grocery store

My friend was about to get attacked by a duck. I tried to warn him, but it only made it worse.

Anarchists have difficulty measuring because they don't believe in rulers.

New hot show on Broadway about the dictionary, it's a play on words.

A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says "How did you do that?"

if a boy loses his knee he can go ask the butcher for a fresh kid knee

Shoutout to the people who don't know what the opposite of in is

I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher.

When my friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down.