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i can’t talk to my mom today (advanced Alzheimer’s) but she found a way to talk to me as usual
audrey farnsworth
20.1K posts
audrey farnsworth
@audipenny
thoughtful insane regular person + writer + “comedian woman” + newsletter @ audipenny.substack.com thanks SO much
- jesus christ google yes you can have my location. i’m literally just checking the spelling of a word but by all means, sure, know exactly where I am. freak
- (a person dies in a movie) my mom: did he die
- the whale sound in my apartment building has gotten louder so i put up a sign about it in the elevator. hope i get some signatures
- Whenever a movie has a mayor as a character I’m like oh here we go. Here’s the mayor
- my upstairs neighbors have the life i want. they wake up on a Saturday morning, fall out of bed, and then drop and knock over literally everything they own for 6 or 19 hours. good christ that is the fucking life
- (opening my god damn email) there better not be any god damn emails in here
- Just tried to put on my seatbelt when I sat down at the movie theater and for 1 moment genuinely nothing made sense
- walked by a lady in a mask and I was in my mask and we were obviously trying to smile at each other but it wasn’t working because mask and I was like what do I do shit shit and then she saluted me and i’ve been in shock for 5 hours she knocked that one the fuck out of the park
- I could be productive or I could rub my dog’s little tummy and say “look at dis tummy” I am still deciding on my course of action but it will probably be the tummy thing
- therapist goes on vacation for multiple weeks and the skeleton manning the ship inside my brain starts taking day trips out to sea on a motorboat and comes back holding a pile of algae and shouting IS THIS ANYTHING and I’m like no dude that is NOT ours, put that back immediately
- god i genuinely love to see people cheering at the moon. This shouldn’t just be done at eclipses either, we should all be regularly screaming at the sky
- i’ve renamed midnight “noon, as well”
