David Hughes
54.3K posts
David Hughes
@david8hughes
Writer. I wrote this bio. Mock the Week | Trailer Park Boys | The Project
- [coronavirus pandemic diary] Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
- Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
- Nobody: JK Rowling: Dobby can deepthroat a Nimbus 2000
- Uber driver: JK Rowling: it takes Dobby over an hour to cum
- [sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
- [son hands me a picture he painted] Me: what's that Son: it's our house Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn't?
- [at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."
- Guys we did it. We kept up with the Kardashians.
- [wife drops me at the airport] Wife: have a safe flight Me: I have no say in the matter Wife [already driving off]: die then
- [inventing dogs] God: ur mans best friend Dog: pretty sexist God: no, man as in every-fuck it u can't talk Dog: ... God: & chocolate kills u
- God: done? Noah: yea G: whats this Noah proudly: a swing set G: u built a park. I asked for an ark N: a what? G: a boat N: say boat then
- [Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] "Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"
