- Boy roommate won’t let me throw his sweet potato away. I told him it scares me and he began talking about the beauty of “life forms” and “growth”. I quickly realized he’s actually attached to this thing. I’m tossing it on Sunday
- Junior year I had the genius idea to make a Gatorade cooler full of white negroni for a house party because I had just gotten a white couch and wanted a clear cocktail. Almost every single person blacked out. People were asking if they had been drugged. I was fighting allegations
- When prayers include “the lonely” with the sick, the suffering, and the poor. It’s like. Damn. Is it that bad
- There’s a mirror in my parents’s house that could give body dysmorphia to a dog
- How about an Emotionally Well Adjusted Man actalike contest. How about that
- THE ID CHECK? LOCK HIM UPimagine being able to say your first kiss was matty healy
- People have always judged my methods of security. I don’t understand. In college I slept with a hammer in my drawer. My roommates would ask me “What are you going to do? Bludgeon the attacker?” Clearly you don’t have what it takes. To liveYou’re unable to view this Post because this account owner limits who can view their Posts. Learn more
- To return to Instagram, I must repair my feed. The Unfollowing of 2023 will not be swift. It will not be merciful. The girl I met out at a college I was visiting? (GUNSHOT) A white woman’s food account? (GUNSHOT) My roommate’s boyfriend? (I open my coat and reveal a suicide vest)
- “Ran through”? Try “Well-loved”
