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McSweeney's
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McSweeney's
@mcsweeneys
The official feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books. Publisher of @illustoria and @believermag.
- Dave Eggers: “This is, let’s pray, the final list of Trump’s crimes. 949 assaults on the Constitution, the rule of law, democratic norms, and human decency. For the undecided voter in your life." mcsweeneys.net/articles/949-t…
- "We asked Trump what we could do about breast cancer. He paused, gazed at the ceiling for a second, and said, 'What about Old Spice?' Sure, it seemed like a bonkers suggestion, but with his history of being a scientific savant, we couldn’t dismiss it."
- Are you a gymnast? No, I'm a conservative pundit who has never so much as done a cartwheel in his life, let alone landed a Yurchenko double pike.
- "Like the flu, xenomorphs affect the GI tract and appear to be highly contagious. Only six of our employees, however, have suffered complications related to xenomorphs. The flu kills far more people every year."
- "Oh, you’re afraid of fucking side effects? Fuck you. You know what has fucking side effects? Fucking aspirin, fucking Tylenol. You could be fucking allergic to pineapple, you fucking fuckwit. Everything has side effects. You’re being a big fucking baby."
- "The best way to solve a problem happening right now is us waiting for you to vote later. Because if we did something now, some people might not vote for us. And if they don’t vote for us later, then we can’t do something later! You see the problem."
- "Protestors are surrounding my house and keeping me up at night, which is when I like to spend some quiet time alone, away from my conscience. So I am writing this to ask a favor: please respect my right to privacy while I completely destroy yours."
- "I simply can’t seem to decide between the Dark Lord determined to return to power and stay there until shadows drown all of Arda, or the Elf Galadriel, who seems to be great and exceedingly normal, but I just wish I knew more about her."
- "The vaccine will not make you magnetic. Are you fucking kidding me? It just fucking won’t. That’s not even a fucking thing, and that lady who tried to pretend the vaccine made her magnetic looked like a real fucking fuckwad, so get fucking vaccinated."
- "How did they come up with seat belts so quickly? We’ve only had over a hundred years of car safety innovation and research that have built to this moment in time when we have seat belts. Don’t you think that’s a little bit rushed?"
- "I haven’t changed since 1974, so why should my neighborhood?"
- "I’d love to see a female President. Just not Hillary Clinton. Or Elizabeth Warren. I am totally open to all other women leaders, but I have to admit that Kamala Harris and Amy Klobuchar are beginning to make me angry."
