Old Ace Ventura Stories
Sep. 20th, 2022 03:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apachefirecatA New Year, A New Friend, posted 1-18-12, rated K/G
Characters: Ace
The first rescue of the new year.
His brown eyes shone sadly as he faced the tiny, scared face. Dropping to his knees, he gave the baby a broad, reassuring grin. Scooping kibble out of his pocket, he held it out. He remained statuesquely still as she slowly inched toward him.
He didn't even move when her pink tongue tickled his flesh. He let her eat her fill and waited patiently for her acceptance before finally hugging her to him. She was no longer lost. He'd saved her, and the new year had started off well. Smiling, Ace headed home with his new friend wrapped in love.
The End
A Party All His Own, posted 5-2-17, rated K/G
Characters: Ace, Spike, Animals
Ace has a party style all his own.
As their target looks up, Ace quickly darts back around the edge of his window. He pushes his back against his thin wall, flattening himself as well as he can out of the view of their target. He shakes his head at his companion's wide grin. "You can't hit that," he says. His friend answers him by sticking out his long, pink tongue. "Not without being seen, at least," Ace amends.
His companion nods his head in persistence. He knows he can hit the target without ever being caught despite what the Pet Detective claims. He waits patiently, chewing the wad of sugar in his mouth, gnashing it between his big teeth, and waiting for the perfect moment. Just as the man moves to step into the cab he's hailed, he leans out just over the window ledge, aims with clear intent, and lets his sugar and spit fly.
Ace jumps into the window beside his friend just as the alpaca lets go of his gum and spit. It lands square in the man's head. The alpaca laughs. Ace whoops with joy. The off duty cop slowly reaches a hand up to his head, touches the spit with two fingers, pulls his fingers back into his eyesight, and visibly shudders. Then he glowers up at Ace's window, just as Ace ducks back out of sight, pulling the alpaca with him.
"You did good, boy," he says as Spike tries to hand him a banana.
Ace looks at him. "Hairy doesn't want that," he tells him. A nearby squirrel chatters and offers up a nut. Ace shakes his head. "Not that either." A wolf pup offers a bone, but again Ace shakes his head. "You keep that, fella," he says, ruffling the puppy's gray fur. A cat bounces a ball to him; Ace rolls it back to her.
At last, a chimpanzee brings up a handful of sweet hay. "Perfect," Ace compliments, grabbing the hay. "Thank you." He gives the hay to the alpaca, keeping a single strand for himself and rubs the top of his head right between his large ears. "You did great, Harry!" he says approvingly again before slowly rolling to his knees.
Ace chews on his strand of hay as he ever so gradually rises his gaze above the window ledge again. The cab's gone, taking Sergeant Aguado with it. Ace bellows with laughter, remembering the look on the cop's face when Hairy got him again. Ace had gotten a few good shots in himself before the cop had almost caught sight of him, but Hairy had maneuvered that last spitball with the effortless grace and perfect aim that only an animal could have.
Ace's laughter rings throughout his apartment. The birds and squirrels chitter with joy. Cats meow, dogs bark, and snakes hiss. Soon, all his animal friends are shaking with laughter themselves. Most of them wouldn't know why they're laughing if he asked them except for the fact that he himself is laughing and they hear his laughter far too rarely these days.
A broom thuds against Ace's floor. "KEEP YOUR VIDEOS DOWN, NATURE BOY! NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO HEAR THAT STUFF!"
Ace covers his mouth with his hand and barely stops himself from shooting off an angry retort to his old landlady. He rolls his eyes instead and calls back obediently, "YES, MA'AM! I WOULDN'T WANT TO INTERRUPT YOUR NAP!" The old woman is always sleeping if she's not making his or another tenant's life Hell.
"SEE THAT YOU DON'T!"
Ace rolls his eyes again. "Yes, Satan," he whispers, making Spike chatter louder. Ace covers the monkey's hand with his mouth. "Sh," he says, looking around his apartment at the other animals who are all laughing more softly now.
It's a bright, Saturday afternoon in the middle of Summer. Aguado was leaving for vacation to a tropical paradise. Almost everybody in Miami was headed to one beach or another, but instead of the beach, Ace has been here for hours in the heat as his air conditioner always manages to stay broken surrounded by animals that everybody else would say smell. He sniffs the air as he considers this fact, but his friends and animals brothers and sisters smell just fine to him.
"Let them keep their beaches," Ace murmurs, petting Spike and scratching Hairy again. "They can't be half as fun as being here with you guys. And you are going to fit in just fine," he continues, looking up at Hairy and remembering his uncertainty hours before about sneaking an alpaca pass his landlady. Hairy had had nowhere else to go, though, after he'd saved him from that miserable children's "zoo". He'll catch up with his new alligator friends later, but no one was going to make a sweater out of Hairy, who moved far slower than the gators, or boots out of Rip and Tide, for that matter. Ace had doubled back just long enough to make certain the gators had escaped to the sewer before continuing home with Hairy.
"One day we'll have it, boy," he says, getting to his feet and holding Hairy's long face in his gentle hands. "One day we'll own this whole building and have air conditioning twenty four seven." He watches the sweat pooling in Hairy's wool. "But for now," he says, giving a little whistle and holding his hand up, "I think it's time we give you a hair cut."
A blue jay swoops down, delivering scissors to Ace's outstretched fingers. "Thanks, Leo," he says and pauses before starting to cut to look around at his animal friends once again. Hairy catches his eye with a sparkle in his own eyes and nods his head toward Ace's window. Ventura laughs again, bringing soft laughter from all the animals once more.
"We'll do some more soon," he promises, "but first let's make your load a little lighter." Oh, yeah, he thinks as he starts to cut and knows the alpaca already trusts him entirely from how still and calm he stands, the humans can keep the beach and their human parties. There's no place he'd rather be than right here with his animal friends and family, sharing happily in the never ending party that is their life together. He chuckles again. "And damn, you have good aim, boy!"
Hairy laughs, agreeing with him. Then he reaches over and runs his tongue all the way from Ace's thin chest up through his spiked, brown hair, thanking him once again for saving him and sharing his happy life with him. They may not have much even together, but they have each other, and all the other animals in Ace's apartment, and their lives and hearts are full of the treasures they do have.
The End
Battle of the Queens, posted 6-1-10, rated K+/PG
Characters: Ace, Spike, Animals
Ace comes home to a disturbing sight and must quickly set matters right.
The solitary man dressed in a Bahamas shirt and striped pants grinned to himself as he unlocked his door. His arms were loaded full of groceries, and somehow he'd even been lucky enough to avoid the attention of his landlord as he snuck back into his apartment.
Ace opened his door, walked into his home, shut and locked it quickly lest the old Devil was planning a sneak attack and that was why he had not seen him, put his groceries down, and dropped to his knees. His mouth opened as he cried, "Come to me, my animal friends!", but unlike most days, his mouth remained hanging open after his cry. He stared in shock at the confrontation taking place in front of him even as animals began to fly, run, walk, crawl, and slither to him from every other spot in his apartment.
Birds sat on Ace's wavy hairdo and pecked the dandruff from his brown hair. Puppies whined and licked the outstretched fingers of his left hand. A snake twined around his sneakered foot. A rabbit hopped into his lap. A raccoon rubbed his furry, masked face against Ace's right hand. One tomcat butted his leg while another stood up on his hind paws, gently braced his front paws upon Ace's chest, leaned forward, and rubbed his face against his. A frog jumped onto the Pet Detective's knee.
All around him, Ace's animal friends gathered, each and every one begging, in their own unique ways, for attention. All, that was, except for the ones who Ace still could not tear his large, brown eyes away from as they continued to battle each other barely five feet in front of him.
"{THAT'S ENOUGH FIGHTING!}" Ace finally yowled. "{STOP FIGHTING IMMEDIATELY!}"
A primate jumped onto his thin shoulder and clung to him. Ace didn't need to turn his head and look to know that it was his most loyal friend of all time, his right hand monkey, Spike. "{What's the meaning of all this?}" he chattered demandingly.
He felt, rather than saw, Spike shrug his tiny, hairy shoulders.
"Don't give me that!" Ace protested, finally looking at him. Spike grinned innocently. "Quit that," Ace demanded. The monkey's smile fell. "You're supposed to keep watch over our family when I'm not here and make sure nothing like this happens!"
Spike gave him a defeated, downcast expression, but before Ace could continue, he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. Ace's head swung back around just in time for him to see a tabby paw slap a furry, orange face. "{HEY!}" he yowled. "{I SAID CUT THAT OUT!}"
If the cats heard him, for the first time in Ace's entire life, they paid him no attention. The orange cat hit the tabby who reared up on her hind haunches and hit both the orange and calico cats next to her. They, in turn, slapped the tabby again and also struck the two felines next to them. Those two hit four more, and so it continued until all the female cats were slapping each other again despite Ace's angry yowls that they stop their misbehavior immediately.
He ran at them, and they stopped for a split moment before, as one, all the female cats in the room hit each other. Ace gave an indecipherable yell of frustration and threw his hands up in defeat. "WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH THEM?" he demanded of Spike who grinned and chittered in amusement at a joke Ace was not yet privy to. "STOP LAUGHING," the Pet Detective thundered, "AND TELL ME WHY THEY'VE GONE EVEN NUTTIER THAN USUAL!"
"{They're fighting,}" Spike finally chattered an explanation, "{over who's Queen.}" When Ace glowered at him and the sound of the female cats slapping each other echoed again through the apartment, the monkey continued, "{You called two of them queens last night, remember?}"
Ace slowly and dumbfoundedly nodded. "And this morning they wanted to know why Si and Am are queens, and I explained that all female cats are queens."
Spike bobbed his little head up and down. "{Yup.}"
Ace could barely think for the sounds of slapping paws, growls, and yowls. Though they'd shockingly failed to behave as he had instructed them to do, the female cats were getting steadily worse the longer he kept from scolding them. "{STOP IT!}" he cried in exasperation. To his horror, they just hit each other even harder! One tabby cat with white paws fell down on her side, but before Ace could move to her, she was back up and hitting every one in sight!
Ace felt like crying but turned his attention on Spike instead. "Tell me," he demanded through gritted teeth, "now what the Hell their problem is!"
"{They're fighting over who's Queen!}"
"They're all queens!" Ace exclaimed, once more throwing his hands up in disgust and defeat. Some days it just didn't pay to come home! Why couldn't he have had a case that would have kept him working all night long and even to the wee hours of the morn? He had no time for the woman that that particular turn of phrase brought to his mind.
Of course, he reckoned in his next thought as wads of fur of all colors began to fly around his tiny apartment, if he had been gone all night, he probably wouldn't have had an apartment to come home to left! "STOP IT!" he cried. "SPIKE, WRAP IT UP! TELL ME WHAT THE BLAZES THEIR PROBLEM IS!"
"{They're fighting,}" Spike said again, "{over who the Queen is. The Queen of them all,}" he hurried to explain as a trickle of blood appeared on the face of the solidly brown cat. "{The Queen of all of us, of everything here!}"
The truth of the matter finally dawned upon Ace. "The Queen of their domain," he spoke slowly. "The Queen of our domain!"
"{The toms are queens!}" he called out the first thing he thought might work. "{And you're toms if you're female! They changed their minds today and renamed your genders!}"
Furry mouths dropped open in shock, and green and blue eyes alike bulged. A bird whistled, warning Ace he was about to get it. Spike and several of the other non-feline animals shook their heads. The true toms yowled in fear, and all of them ran behind their adopted "father". Then, as one and with all their tails raised like stiff banners and their fur completely fluffed out, the queens of the house began to descend upon Ace.
Quickly Ace sprang to his feet, jumped around, dropped his pants, grabbed firm holds onto both of his bared butt cheeks, and began to move them. The queens stopped in shock as their rescuer's butt yowled at them. They stared through wide, bulging eyes as Ace spoke to them in their own language through his butt.
"{You should be ashamed of yourselves!}" his butt heatedly meowed. "{None of you deserve to wear the crown of the Queen! A true Queen doesn't just care about herself and her own wants and needs! A true Queen cares about her people and sometimes even puts their needs first! You're all beautiful, but it takes much more than beauty to be a real Queen! It takes honor, intelligence, and compassion, and all of you have shown yourselves lacking in those characteristics by this ridiculous show of femininity!}"
"{Femininity?}" a chimpanzee asked.
"{I think he means masculinity,}" a bulldog barked, his little stub of a tail wagging uncertainly as his drooling tongue panted nervously. He'd never seen Ace so mad at any animal before!
"No," Ace said firmly. "I mean femininity! No one puts on a show of ego better than bitches!"
He heard a chorus of sad, little meows from behind him and quickly twisted around so that he was looking over his thin shoulder at the misbehaving queens. They were all pouting now and feigning innocence. A calico bathed herself while an orange queen leaned over and licked the furry heads of a tabby kitten and a white cat. Several of the queens started to purr. All gazed at Ace with big, watery eyes, and instantly his heart melted all over again.
Ace sighed as he stood up, pulled his pants up, and refastened and zipped them. He turned around and looked, with a sigh, at the female cats. Then, holding his arms open wide and dropping to both knees, he asked, "Who's Poppa's good girls?"
All the females in the apartment rushed to him as fast as they could, but none reached his open, waiting arms faster than the very queens who had just been acting so mean. Ace's hands swept over them all, petting every head and stroking every furry, feathery, and scaly body, as he crooned to each animal in their own language. Heads butted him. Tails entwined his legs, feet, knees, and other body parts. Little paws kneaded his striped trousers and Hawaiian shirt while animals of every sort rubbed their bodies up against the remarkable human man who was hero, best friend, brother, and father to them all.
An especially frisky tabby queen butted her head persistently against Ace's handsome face several times. He butted her in return and kissed the tip of her nose. "{You're all beautiful,}" he meowed to the female cats, "{and wonderful in your own special ways, but to be a real Queen, you have to act the part too. No more fighting amongst yourselves, okay?}"
The queens mewed their agreement, and Ace continued, "{Love each other. Protect one another. Never forget that we are all family. Always cherish, respect, and love each other above all else no matter what.}"
When Ace had his little, feline girls' agreements, he spread his arms even wider. "Where's my good boys?" he called to the males who had all began to pout for want of the attention the females were receiving, and the rest of his animal family ran, flew, galloped, and slithered into his arms. Grinning from ear to ear, Ace announced eagerly, "There's plenty of Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, to go around!"
His hands and head were busy stroking every furry, feathery, scaly, hairy, and even slimy body in his home for the next many hours, and when Ace fell asleep early the next morning, he was still there, laying upon his floor, covered in his brothers and sisters, and doing the one thing he liked to do more than anything else in the whole, wide world - loving his family!
The End
Keeping Safe, posted 8-26-11, rated G/K
Characters: Ace, Animals
Ace grieves the loss of an innocent.
Two Versions:
He sat down in the middle of his floor, gathered his animal friends to him, bent his head, and cried. The world was a savage place, and he'd lost another soul today. Only here, behind his door, did he feel any safety; only here was there love.
Outside, there was terror, Hell, and heartache. There was . . . He'd heard the word once before. There was dystopia, but the world would never hurt his kids again. Ace held his animals as he wept over the ones he'd lost. He'd keep them safe forever right here in his own personal version of Heaven.
The End
Ace bowed his head and cried as his animal friends gathered around him. He had lost an innocent today, held her to his heart as she breathed her last due to the cruelty, torture, and Hell of the world's heartless humans. Purrs, coos, and other soft sounds surrounded him. Cold and warm bodies alike pressed closed to Ace.
As he held his family tight, Ace swore again never to let the outsiders and their dystopia hurt them again. They were safe together. He'd keep them all safe, alive, well, and happy forever. He'd protect his family to his last breath.
The End
The Kibble Song, posted 1-27-10, rated K/G
Characters: Ace, Spike, Marmaduke, Animals
Ace makes up a song while he gets ready to go out.
Hot water poured down on Ace Ventura's body as he sang, belting out the words to a song he was making up at the top of his lungs. He was preparing for a party he really didn't want to go to but had to attend. His top suspect for the case he was currently working would be there, bringing who knew what for his dish, and Ace hoped he would let slip something that might lead him to the whereabouts of his ex-boyfriend's albino tiger.
"Make sure you bring plenty of kibble because you know it'll be far better than anything they have to offer!" he sang and then picked the chorus back up as he rinsed. "Oh the power of kibble! The might of kibble! Oh, how we love our kibble!"
He turned the water off, but it continued to drip slowly. He knew he should probably fix the broken faucet, but his animal friends loved licking the dripping water so much that he simply didn't have the heart to take it away from them. "Oh, the might of kibble!" he sang again, drawing the last word out a full minute as he tossed the shower curtain to the side.
His best friend, Spike, tossed him a dry towel, and Ace caught it deftly. He grinned down at the animals who were standing on their hind legs with their front paws resting on the tub. Each wore a very attentive face, and he continued his song as he stepped carefully out amongst their clustering numbers.
"Oh, no, don't forget the kibble! You must remember the kibble for it's your one chance of maybe - just maybe, possibly - getting satiated!" He glanced at the dog who was digging in the trashcan. "Whatever they bring isn't even enough to make the dog wag his tail . . . " The long-haired, spotted dog looked up at him with a grin that clearly said he didn't know what was happening but was glad to hear his species' name.
He wagged his tail as Ace turned his gaze to the young, white cat who wound in and out of his wet legs. " . . . let alone make the cat meow! Oh, don't forget the kibble! Don't forget the kibble or you'll starve!"
The sound of scampering feet made Ace look up just in time to see one of his penguin buddies waddling his way. He ducked to the side as the flightless bird jumped into the air, dove at the shower curtain, and then slid happily against the sleek wetness to the bottom of the tub.
"Humans don't know how to eat! They think that just because they've had it their whole lives, it's good, but we know better! Our taste buds are far superior! Give us the kibble! Give us the kibble! Give us the kibble!"
He was now almost fully dry. He gave his brown hair another patting down, then slung what few water droplets remained in his bangs out around the bathroom. Some animals skittered out of the way; others tried their best to catch the drops in their furry paws. Ace stepped out of the way again as a raccoon, cat, and another penguin headed for the tub.
Spike's chittering sent a few of the animals to working. Ace took his shirt from Spike and pulled it on followed by his striped pants that a goat wore over his horns. A second raccoon tossed him a sock. He slipped it on, then looked around for the other one only to find a garden snake slowly pushing it to him. As he had taken each of his articles from one of his friends, Ace had paused to pet them as thanks. He stroked the snake, telling him, "Thanks, buddy," then retrieved his other sock.
Ace padded to the sink and brushed his teeth, his toothpaste and brush being handed to him from the tails of opossums, while he waited for the delivery of his shoes. He hummed the chorus of his song again as he brushed and had no sooner finished gargling than two of his canine friends arrived in the doorway of the small bathroom. Ace handed his toothbrush and paste back to the opossums, who put them up, then turned to meet the dogs.
One dog was gigantic, the size of Marmaduke from the comics Ace always enjoyed reading with his morning kibble. The other was no bigger than a small chihuahua, was some sort of odd mix that Ace had yet to be able to deduce, and stood between his enormous bud's front paws. Ace took his shoes from their mouths and then yodeled out the last words of his song. "Never forget the mighty, mighty kibble!"
Animals ran to him from all over the house except for those in the bathroom. They scampered out as the others came to the door, each holding a handful of dry kibble pieces up to their human savior. Ace petted every head in turn and took only some of the offered kibble from each little paw, slipping it into his pockets. The animals who had shared the bathroom with him while he was getting ready to go out returned. Each one who had paws held a paw full of kibble, and Ace treated them the same as he had the others.
Then came the goat, the snakes, and a few others who had no paws. Some one - Ace was sure it had to be Spike - had hooked a small bag of kibble loosely around one of the goat's horns. The snake held three pieces of kibble on his tiny head. Each of the pawless animals had found a way to bring Ace some kibble, even if it was but only one piece. Ace thanked them all profusely, petting each in turn, until the line finally dissipated.
Spike came last, swinging on the door. His face fell when he saw that every pocket Ace had was stuffed to overflowing. Ace grinned at his friend and held his mouth open. Spike screeched his joy as he put his kibble in Ace's mouth. Ace rubbed his head against the monkey's and stroked his back. "Thank you," he said through the kibble. "Keep everybody safe."
He left smiling and was humming The Kibble Song again before he got into his car. He didn't know what the night would bring, but there was one thing Ace was certain of. There was no way he was going to starve tonight!
The End
Characters: Ace
The first rescue of the new year.
His brown eyes shone sadly as he faced the tiny, scared face. Dropping to his knees, he gave the baby a broad, reassuring grin. Scooping kibble out of his pocket, he held it out. He remained statuesquely still as she slowly inched toward him.
He didn't even move when her pink tongue tickled his flesh. He let her eat her fill and waited patiently for her acceptance before finally hugging her to him. She was no longer lost. He'd saved her, and the new year had started off well. Smiling, Ace headed home with his new friend wrapped in love.
The End
A Party All His Own, posted 5-2-17, rated K/G
Characters: Ace, Spike, Animals
Ace has a party style all his own.
As their target looks up, Ace quickly darts back around the edge of his window. He pushes his back against his thin wall, flattening himself as well as he can out of the view of their target. He shakes his head at his companion's wide grin. "You can't hit that," he says. His friend answers him by sticking out his long, pink tongue. "Not without being seen, at least," Ace amends.
His companion nods his head in persistence. He knows he can hit the target without ever being caught despite what the Pet Detective claims. He waits patiently, chewing the wad of sugar in his mouth, gnashing it between his big teeth, and waiting for the perfect moment. Just as the man moves to step into the cab he's hailed, he leans out just over the window ledge, aims with clear intent, and lets his sugar and spit fly.
Ace jumps into the window beside his friend just as the alpaca lets go of his gum and spit. It lands square in the man's head. The alpaca laughs. Ace whoops with joy. The off duty cop slowly reaches a hand up to his head, touches the spit with two fingers, pulls his fingers back into his eyesight, and visibly shudders. Then he glowers up at Ace's window, just as Ace ducks back out of sight, pulling the alpaca with him.
"You did good, boy," he says as Spike tries to hand him a banana.
Ace looks at him. "Hairy doesn't want that," he tells him. A nearby squirrel chatters and offers up a nut. Ace shakes his head. "Not that either." A wolf pup offers a bone, but again Ace shakes his head. "You keep that, fella," he says, ruffling the puppy's gray fur. A cat bounces a ball to him; Ace rolls it back to her.
At last, a chimpanzee brings up a handful of sweet hay. "Perfect," Ace compliments, grabbing the hay. "Thank you." He gives the hay to the alpaca, keeping a single strand for himself and rubs the top of his head right between his large ears. "You did great, Harry!" he says approvingly again before slowly rolling to his knees.
Ace chews on his strand of hay as he ever so gradually rises his gaze above the window ledge again. The cab's gone, taking Sergeant Aguado with it. Ace bellows with laughter, remembering the look on the cop's face when Hairy got him again. Ace had gotten a few good shots in himself before the cop had almost caught sight of him, but Hairy had maneuvered that last spitball with the effortless grace and perfect aim that only an animal could have.
Ace's laughter rings throughout his apartment. The birds and squirrels chitter with joy. Cats meow, dogs bark, and snakes hiss. Soon, all his animal friends are shaking with laughter themselves. Most of them wouldn't know why they're laughing if he asked them except for the fact that he himself is laughing and they hear his laughter far too rarely these days.
A broom thuds against Ace's floor. "KEEP YOUR VIDEOS DOWN, NATURE BOY! NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO HEAR THAT STUFF!"
Ace covers his mouth with his hand and barely stops himself from shooting off an angry retort to his old landlady. He rolls his eyes instead and calls back obediently, "YES, MA'AM! I WOULDN'T WANT TO INTERRUPT YOUR NAP!" The old woman is always sleeping if she's not making his or another tenant's life Hell.
"SEE THAT YOU DON'T!"
Ace rolls his eyes again. "Yes, Satan," he whispers, making Spike chatter louder. Ace covers the monkey's hand with his mouth. "Sh," he says, looking around his apartment at the other animals who are all laughing more softly now.
It's a bright, Saturday afternoon in the middle of Summer. Aguado was leaving for vacation to a tropical paradise. Almost everybody in Miami was headed to one beach or another, but instead of the beach, Ace has been here for hours in the heat as his air conditioner always manages to stay broken surrounded by animals that everybody else would say smell. He sniffs the air as he considers this fact, but his friends and animals brothers and sisters smell just fine to him.
"Let them keep their beaches," Ace murmurs, petting Spike and scratching Hairy again. "They can't be half as fun as being here with you guys. And you are going to fit in just fine," he continues, looking up at Hairy and remembering his uncertainty hours before about sneaking an alpaca pass his landlady. Hairy had had nowhere else to go, though, after he'd saved him from that miserable children's "zoo". He'll catch up with his new alligator friends later, but no one was going to make a sweater out of Hairy, who moved far slower than the gators, or boots out of Rip and Tide, for that matter. Ace had doubled back just long enough to make certain the gators had escaped to the sewer before continuing home with Hairy.
"One day we'll have it, boy," he says, getting to his feet and holding Hairy's long face in his gentle hands. "One day we'll own this whole building and have air conditioning twenty four seven." He watches the sweat pooling in Hairy's wool. "But for now," he says, giving a little whistle and holding his hand up, "I think it's time we give you a hair cut."
A blue jay swoops down, delivering scissors to Ace's outstretched fingers. "Thanks, Leo," he says and pauses before starting to cut to look around at his animal friends once again. Hairy catches his eye with a sparkle in his own eyes and nods his head toward Ace's window. Ventura laughs again, bringing soft laughter from all the animals once more.
"We'll do some more soon," he promises, "but first let's make your load a little lighter." Oh, yeah, he thinks as he starts to cut and knows the alpaca already trusts him entirely from how still and calm he stands, the humans can keep the beach and their human parties. There's no place he'd rather be than right here with his animal friends and family, sharing happily in the never ending party that is their life together. He chuckles again. "And damn, you have good aim, boy!"
Hairy laughs, agreeing with him. Then he reaches over and runs his tongue all the way from Ace's thin chest up through his spiked, brown hair, thanking him once again for saving him and sharing his happy life with him. They may not have much even together, but they have each other, and all the other animals in Ace's apartment, and their lives and hearts are full of the treasures they do have.
The End
Battle of the Queens, posted 6-1-10, rated K+/PG
Characters: Ace, Spike, Animals
Ace comes home to a disturbing sight and must quickly set matters right.
The solitary man dressed in a Bahamas shirt and striped pants grinned to himself as he unlocked his door. His arms were loaded full of groceries, and somehow he'd even been lucky enough to avoid the attention of his landlord as he snuck back into his apartment.
Ace opened his door, walked into his home, shut and locked it quickly lest the old Devil was planning a sneak attack and that was why he had not seen him, put his groceries down, and dropped to his knees. His mouth opened as he cried, "Come to me, my animal friends!", but unlike most days, his mouth remained hanging open after his cry. He stared in shock at the confrontation taking place in front of him even as animals began to fly, run, walk, crawl, and slither to him from every other spot in his apartment.
Birds sat on Ace's wavy hairdo and pecked the dandruff from his brown hair. Puppies whined and licked the outstretched fingers of his left hand. A snake twined around his sneakered foot. A rabbit hopped into his lap. A raccoon rubbed his furry, masked face against Ace's right hand. One tomcat butted his leg while another stood up on his hind paws, gently braced his front paws upon Ace's chest, leaned forward, and rubbed his face against his. A frog jumped onto the Pet Detective's knee.
All around him, Ace's animal friends gathered, each and every one begging, in their own unique ways, for attention. All, that was, except for the ones who Ace still could not tear his large, brown eyes away from as they continued to battle each other barely five feet in front of him.
"{THAT'S ENOUGH FIGHTING!}" Ace finally yowled. "{STOP FIGHTING IMMEDIATELY!}"
A primate jumped onto his thin shoulder and clung to him. Ace didn't need to turn his head and look to know that it was his most loyal friend of all time, his right hand monkey, Spike. "{What's the meaning of all this?}" he chattered demandingly.
He felt, rather than saw, Spike shrug his tiny, hairy shoulders.
"Don't give me that!" Ace protested, finally looking at him. Spike grinned innocently. "Quit that," Ace demanded. The monkey's smile fell. "You're supposed to keep watch over our family when I'm not here and make sure nothing like this happens!"
Spike gave him a defeated, downcast expression, but before Ace could continue, he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. Ace's head swung back around just in time for him to see a tabby paw slap a furry, orange face. "{HEY!}" he yowled. "{I SAID CUT THAT OUT!}"
If the cats heard him, for the first time in Ace's entire life, they paid him no attention. The orange cat hit the tabby who reared up on her hind haunches and hit both the orange and calico cats next to her. They, in turn, slapped the tabby again and also struck the two felines next to them. Those two hit four more, and so it continued until all the female cats were slapping each other again despite Ace's angry yowls that they stop their misbehavior immediately.
He ran at them, and they stopped for a split moment before, as one, all the female cats in the room hit each other. Ace gave an indecipherable yell of frustration and threw his hands up in defeat. "WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH THEM?" he demanded of Spike who grinned and chittered in amusement at a joke Ace was not yet privy to. "STOP LAUGHING," the Pet Detective thundered, "AND TELL ME WHY THEY'VE GONE EVEN NUTTIER THAN USUAL!"
"{They're fighting,}" Spike finally chattered an explanation, "{over who's Queen.}" When Ace glowered at him and the sound of the female cats slapping each other echoed again through the apartment, the monkey continued, "{You called two of them queens last night, remember?}"
Ace slowly and dumbfoundedly nodded. "And this morning they wanted to know why Si and Am are queens, and I explained that all female cats are queens."
Spike bobbed his little head up and down. "{Yup.}"
Ace could barely think for the sounds of slapping paws, growls, and yowls. Though they'd shockingly failed to behave as he had instructed them to do, the female cats were getting steadily worse the longer he kept from scolding them. "{STOP IT!}" he cried in exasperation. To his horror, they just hit each other even harder! One tabby cat with white paws fell down on her side, but before Ace could move to her, she was back up and hitting every one in sight!
Ace felt like crying but turned his attention on Spike instead. "Tell me," he demanded through gritted teeth, "now what the Hell their problem is!"
"{They're fighting over who's Queen!}"
"They're all queens!" Ace exclaimed, once more throwing his hands up in disgust and defeat. Some days it just didn't pay to come home! Why couldn't he have had a case that would have kept him working all night long and even to the wee hours of the morn? He had no time for the woman that that particular turn of phrase brought to his mind.
Of course, he reckoned in his next thought as wads of fur of all colors began to fly around his tiny apartment, if he had been gone all night, he probably wouldn't have had an apartment to come home to left! "STOP IT!" he cried. "SPIKE, WRAP IT UP! TELL ME WHAT THE BLAZES THEIR PROBLEM IS!"
"{They're fighting,}" Spike said again, "{over who the Queen is. The Queen of them all,}" he hurried to explain as a trickle of blood appeared on the face of the solidly brown cat. "{The Queen of all of us, of everything here!}"
The truth of the matter finally dawned upon Ace. "The Queen of their domain," he spoke slowly. "The Queen of our domain!"
"{The toms are queens!}" he called out the first thing he thought might work. "{And you're toms if you're female! They changed their minds today and renamed your genders!}"
Furry mouths dropped open in shock, and green and blue eyes alike bulged. A bird whistled, warning Ace he was about to get it. Spike and several of the other non-feline animals shook their heads. The true toms yowled in fear, and all of them ran behind their adopted "father". Then, as one and with all their tails raised like stiff banners and their fur completely fluffed out, the queens of the house began to descend upon Ace.
Quickly Ace sprang to his feet, jumped around, dropped his pants, grabbed firm holds onto both of his bared butt cheeks, and began to move them. The queens stopped in shock as their rescuer's butt yowled at them. They stared through wide, bulging eyes as Ace spoke to them in their own language through his butt.
"{You should be ashamed of yourselves!}" his butt heatedly meowed. "{None of you deserve to wear the crown of the Queen! A true Queen doesn't just care about herself and her own wants and needs! A true Queen cares about her people and sometimes even puts their needs first! You're all beautiful, but it takes much more than beauty to be a real Queen! It takes honor, intelligence, and compassion, and all of you have shown yourselves lacking in those characteristics by this ridiculous show of femininity!}"
"{Femininity?}" a chimpanzee asked.
"{I think he means masculinity,}" a bulldog barked, his little stub of a tail wagging uncertainly as his drooling tongue panted nervously. He'd never seen Ace so mad at any animal before!
"No," Ace said firmly. "I mean femininity! No one puts on a show of ego better than bitches!"
He heard a chorus of sad, little meows from behind him and quickly twisted around so that he was looking over his thin shoulder at the misbehaving queens. They were all pouting now and feigning innocence. A calico bathed herself while an orange queen leaned over and licked the furry heads of a tabby kitten and a white cat. Several of the queens started to purr. All gazed at Ace with big, watery eyes, and instantly his heart melted all over again.
Ace sighed as he stood up, pulled his pants up, and refastened and zipped them. He turned around and looked, with a sigh, at the female cats. Then, holding his arms open wide and dropping to both knees, he asked, "Who's Poppa's good girls?"
All the females in the apartment rushed to him as fast as they could, but none reached his open, waiting arms faster than the very queens who had just been acting so mean. Ace's hands swept over them all, petting every head and stroking every furry, feathery, and scaly body, as he crooned to each animal in their own language. Heads butted him. Tails entwined his legs, feet, knees, and other body parts. Little paws kneaded his striped trousers and Hawaiian shirt while animals of every sort rubbed their bodies up against the remarkable human man who was hero, best friend, brother, and father to them all.
An especially frisky tabby queen butted her head persistently against Ace's handsome face several times. He butted her in return and kissed the tip of her nose. "{You're all beautiful,}" he meowed to the female cats, "{and wonderful in your own special ways, but to be a real Queen, you have to act the part too. No more fighting amongst yourselves, okay?}"
The queens mewed their agreement, and Ace continued, "{Love each other. Protect one another. Never forget that we are all family. Always cherish, respect, and love each other above all else no matter what.}"
When Ace had his little, feline girls' agreements, he spread his arms even wider. "Where's my good boys?" he called to the males who had all began to pout for want of the attention the females were receiving, and the rest of his animal family ran, flew, galloped, and slithered into his arms. Grinning from ear to ear, Ace announced eagerly, "There's plenty of Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, to go around!"
His hands and head were busy stroking every furry, feathery, scaly, hairy, and even slimy body in his home for the next many hours, and when Ace fell asleep early the next morning, he was still there, laying upon his floor, covered in his brothers and sisters, and doing the one thing he liked to do more than anything else in the whole, wide world - loving his family!
The End
Keeping Safe, posted 8-26-11, rated G/K
Characters: Ace, Animals
Ace grieves the loss of an innocent.
Two Versions:
He sat down in the middle of his floor, gathered his animal friends to him, bent his head, and cried. The world was a savage place, and he'd lost another soul today. Only here, behind his door, did he feel any safety; only here was there love.
Outside, there was terror, Hell, and heartache. There was . . . He'd heard the word once before. There was dystopia, but the world would never hurt his kids again. Ace held his animals as he wept over the ones he'd lost. He'd keep them safe forever right here in his own personal version of Heaven.
The End
Ace bowed his head and cried as his animal friends gathered around him. He had lost an innocent today, held her to his heart as she breathed her last due to the cruelty, torture, and Hell of the world's heartless humans. Purrs, coos, and other soft sounds surrounded him. Cold and warm bodies alike pressed closed to Ace.
As he held his family tight, Ace swore again never to let the outsiders and their dystopia hurt them again. They were safe together. He'd keep them all safe, alive, well, and happy forever. He'd protect his family to his last breath.
The End
The Kibble Song, posted 1-27-10, rated K/G
Characters: Ace, Spike, Marmaduke, Animals
Ace makes up a song while he gets ready to go out.
Hot water poured down on Ace Ventura's body as he sang, belting out the words to a song he was making up at the top of his lungs. He was preparing for a party he really didn't want to go to but had to attend. His top suspect for the case he was currently working would be there, bringing who knew what for his dish, and Ace hoped he would let slip something that might lead him to the whereabouts of his ex-boyfriend's albino tiger.
"Make sure you bring plenty of kibble because you know it'll be far better than anything they have to offer!" he sang and then picked the chorus back up as he rinsed. "Oh the power of kibble! The might of kibble! Oh, how we love our kibble!"
He turned the water off, but it continued to drip slowly. He knew he should probably fix the broken faucet, but his animal friends loved licking the dripping water so much that he simply didn't have the heart to take it away from them. "Oh, the might of kibble!" he sang again, drawing the last word out a full minute as he tossed the shower curtain to the side.
His best friend, Spike, tossed him a dry towel, and Ace caught it deftly. He grinned down at the animals who were standing on their hind legs with their front paws resting on the tub. Each wore a very attentive face, and he continued his song as he stepped carefully out amongst their clustering numbers.
"Oh, no, don't forget the kibble! You must remember the kibble for it's your one chance of maybe - just maybe, possibly - getting satiated!" He glanced at the dog who was digging in the trashcan. "Whatever they bring isn't even enough to make the dog wag his tail . . . " The long-haired, spotted dog looked up at him with a grin that clearly said he didn't know what was happening but was glad to hear his species' name.
He wagged his tail as Ace turned his gaze to the young, white cat who wound in and out of his wet legs. " . . . let alone make the cat meow! Oh, don't forget the kibble! Don't forget the kibble or you'll starve!"
The sound of scampering feet made Ace look up just in time to see one of his penguin buddies waddling his way. He ducked to the side as the flightless bird jumped into the air, dove at the shower curtain, and then slid happily against the sleek wetness to the bottom of the tub.
"Humans don't know how to eat! They think that just because they've had it their whole lives, it's good, but we know better! Our taste buds are far superior! Give us the kibble! Give us the kibble! Give us the kibble!"
He was now almost fully dry. He gave his brown hair another patting down, then slung what few water droplets remained in his bangs out around the bathroom. Some animals skittered out of the way; others tried their best to catch the drops in their furry paws. Ace stepped out of the way again as a raccoon, cat, and another penguin headed for the tub.
Spike's chittering sent a few of the animals to working. Ace took his shirt from Spike and pulled it on followed by his striped pants that a goat wore over his horns. A second raccoon tossed him a sock. He slipped it on, then looked around for the other one only to find a garden snake slowly pushing it to him. As he had taken each of his articles from one of his friends, Ace had paused to pet them as thanks. He stroked the snake, telling him, "Thanks, buddy," then retrieved his other sock.
Ace padded to the sink and brushed his teeth, his toothpaste and brush being handed to him from the tails of opossums, while he waited for the delivery of his shoes. He hummed the chorus of his song again as he brushed and had no sooner finished gargling than two of his canine friends arrived in the doorway of the small bathroom. Ace handed his toothbrush and paste back to the opossums, who put them up, then turned to meet the dogs.
One dog was gigantic, the size of Marmaduke from the comics Ace always enjoyed reading with his morning kibble. The other was no bigger than a small chihuahua, was some sort of odd mix that Ace had yet to be able to deduce, and stood between his enormous bud's front paws. Ace took his shoes from their mouths and then yodeled out the last words of his song. "Never forget the mighty, mighty kibble!"
Animals ran to him from all over the house except for those in the bathroom. They scampered out as the others came to the door, each holding a handful of dry kibble pieces up to their human savior. Ace petted every head in turn and took only some of the offered kibble from each little paw, slipping it into his pockets. The animals who had shared the bathroom with him while he was getting ready to go out returned. Each one who had paws held a paw full of kibble, and Ace treated them the same as he had the others.
Then came the goat, the snakes, and a few others who had no paws. Some one - Ace was sure it had to be Spike - had hooked a small bag of kibble loosely around one of the goat's horns. The snake held three pieces of kibble on his tiny head. Each of the pawless animals had found a way to bring Ace some kibble, even if it was but only one piece. Ace thanked them all profusely, petting each in turn, until the line finally dissipated.
Spike came last, swinging on the door. His face fell when he saw that every pocket Ace had was stuffed to overflowing. Ace grinned at his friend and held his mouth open. Spike screeched his joy as he put his kibble in Ace's mouth. Ace rubbed his head against the monkey's and stroked his back. "Thank you," he said through the kibble. "Keep everybody safe."
He left smiling and was humming The Kibble Song again before he got into his car. He didn't know what the night would bring, but there was one thing Ace was certain of. There was no way he was going to starve tonight!
The End
