autohaptic

I spent this weekend out at my mom's place, because I didn't feel like I could face the whole thing alone and still feel OK by Monday. I ended up being very, very grateful for this decision because on Sunday I was very sick.

I was literally insensible most of the time, due to vomiting and a high fever, and the rest of the time I was just incredibly nauseous. So damn miserable, and so glad that I was there so my mom could take care of my dog while I wasn't able to.

And I'm totally avoiding writing about what I started the entry for: I keep missing Vistas. I know I should go, and I find reasons not to; it's a lot like work, I think. Because I just choose to skip. I don't wanna go, so I don't. I don't feel like I need to make myself and I just... keep not going.

I'm still doing DBT, but I'm so fed up with a lot of the people at Vistas right now that the entire time I'm there I'm just bored and frustrated and would rather skip it. Which is unwise, because Vistas is my socialization, but that's the result none the less.

I guess I need to talk to Tara about it, and see what she thinks. Maybe she'll start to understand why employment is difficult for me.

In some ways, it's good for me to be interacting with people in the context of emotional things again. Like, interacting with people I care about, so that it causes these emotional reactions in me and I have to deal with them.

But I hate it. God, I hate it. I hate being elated and then a day later down in the dumps.

And I keep not writing. Raaah.

My mom is going to be getting brain surgery. It's really scary for me, because it's high risk, but... it will end her pain. For sure, it will end the pain, and she will be able to get back to life as usual!

But it's still scary. I'm not quite sure what to think about all of it; I'm looking forward to process group on the 2nd so that I can talk about this stuff.


To lighten the entry up a little, Happiness is my dog, Puffin. She's a shit sometimes, but she makes me happy in the end so I love her to bits and I'm happy that I got her.

Program (sometimes referred to as Vistas!) has been kind of wonky lately because there have been a number of things going on. The restructuring of the program itself due to budget cuts was the first thing, and then the basement at the Vistas house flooded and we couldn't use the house anymore because there was mildew everywhere and it was unsafe. Last week was a planned closing of the program; this week was unplanned.

And then we had "orientation" yesterday at the mental health center (henceforth called MHC). It was... well, not bad, not as bad as I was expecting, because I'm the eternal pessimist so I was expecting it to be quite intolerable.

Thanks to various rules at the MHC that weren't there at the Vistas house, a lot of people got cut back to having groups only instead of staying the entire day. I was kind of expecting that for myself (I'm not sure if I was hoping for it or what, but I realized after two weeks not attending Vistas that I really do much better when I'm attending it) but they didn't cut me back to groups only. I'll still be going the whole day, but it'll be Wednesday and Friday only instead of M/W/F.

I guess it's... nice?... to have them kind of acknowledge that I am still at the point where I need that much help. I'm not better; I'm not well enough to get by on groups only. I think I knew it, deep down, but I didn't really want to face it.

I've been trying to fill out stuff for SSDI and it's just like... ungh. It's so hard. I didn't expect for it to be, but at one point I just got so overwhelmed by it that I broke down crying. All I was doing was filling in my doctor's information! It kinda sucked bigtime. (Which reminds me, I need to get Dr. Scott's and Shawn's information from my mom. Or look it up, or whatever, because those two saw me the longest.)

Anyway, back on topic: Program yesterday. The orientation wasn't bad, and they fed us which was a happy thing because I think I would have skipped eating that day entirely if not for that.

They also were awesome enough to have a process group, which I really needed. It's funny-- I was thinking about not talking, at first, but then I told myself, you KNOW you're not doing well, just buck up and talk about it.

So I did. A lot of the group focused on parts that were unhelpful to me, like banging the point home that I need to make sure I eat because I need to be well to take care of my dog. I know that already; I beat myself up about that already. And then they were like, "you have to push away your emotion" which is kind of the problem with me right now; I'm not letting myself feel. So Not Helpful.

But I think Rashida realized that, too, and so she kind of... steered them in a direction that was helpful. Like she hit on the topic of me feeling helpless/inadequate because I can't drive, and asked why. I couldn't answer that (or didn't want to, maybe) but the group helped me to realize that I am doing all that I can do. It's not fair to endanger myself and other people by driving, so I am right to not drive, but that doesn't mean I'm entirely useless. I can still keep an eye on mom and help her to maybe not push herself so hard sometimes, make food, clean up, do laundry, etc. And no one expects more than that from me, so I don't need to expect more than that from myself.

It's hard to remember. It's hard to keep in mind, because I've always wanted to do the most possible (it's one of my issues) even if I'm not really capable of doing that much efficiently.

But. I'm at my mom's now, and I... still wish I could drive. But I know there's nothing I can do about that, not as things are currently. (I aspire to take lessons someday and maybe end up less anxious about the entire thing.) So I'm doing what I can. Helping out in the way I can. And that's the most I can do; no one expects more from me, so I don't need to expect more from myself.

Maybe if I say it enough, it'll finally sink in.

(I'm kind of offended that the "blah" icon in this moodset is a smiley. Really need to make my own icons, I see.)

I realized today that my not-eating thing-- which, yes, is borderline anorexia when it gets bad-- is because of anxiety/stress. It's the same way my OCD manifests more as I get more stressed.

They're both squarely in the anxiety-reaction spectrum, but it's taken me this long to realize that it's... no, I'm not going to say that it's not an eating disorder because it is. But that this is what's causing the eating disorder, rather than distorted body image or anything like that.

Anyway, I haven't written about it much because I've been avoiding it very much, but my mom isn't doing so hot right now. In addition to psoriatic arthritis (a type of rheumatoid arthritis) she has this thing called trigeminal neuralgia (henceforth referred to as TN) and it's been really kicking her ass. She's constantly in pain and the drugs they're trying her on are having some pretty severe side effects and still not helping with the TN pain.

She's going to consult with a neurosurgeon today, and will probably get a gamma knife procedure done in the near future to try and help with the pain.

It just sucks because I can't do a goddamn thing. If I could drive, I could help, but I can't drive so I'm kind of just useless for anything other than doing chores around the house, organizing, stuff like that. =/

With the gym thing, my trainer... didn't yell at me, but he was very chastizing. Which is good, but he says things like, "Food doesn't have to taste good" and "food is only fuel" and I just feel like that goes so far against my outlook that it's going to be really fucking hard to get over it.

I mean, I love to cook. I really do. I love to make food for other people and play around with it, have fun with recipes. Food is fun; food is social; food is essential. And I understand that I can be on a diet and still cook for others but it just feels like I'm a step separated from the enjoyment and that's going to be a hard thing to get used to.

I guess it just boils down to what do I want: health or food.

So far the answer's always been food. I'm hoping I can slowly change it to health, but I have no delusions that it's going to be easy for me to do. Here's to hoping.

(I feel like my icon right now: Don't look! Just don't look!)

So, that goals thing. I think I'm going to try it on a monthly basis.

► Bipolar: Go to Vistas. Do more of your damn homework for the DBT class-- no fucking excuses, you know you're thinking about it.

► Cleanliness: Do laundry every two weeks. Take showers more often. Clean your dishes after you use them. These aren't difficult tasks, you.

► Physical Health: Do the gym thing. Four times a week, yeah? Stick to the diet, or don't go off more than once a week at least.

► Disability: Send in the thing you got filled out. Start filling out SSDI.

► Writing: Write your SSBB story for this month. Write at least two RAG stories.

Happiness is being able to talk about this and not get too wrapped up in it and feel depressed. And just, being able to talk about it-- I couldn't/wouldn't, for the longest time, and I feel like I actually can now. That's a step.

Talking with coloredink the other day, and the only, only thing I dislike about my trainer is that he subscribes to the same beauty policy as the rest of America. What do I mean by this?

Well, one of the things he said to me was, "You want to fit in that two-piece, right?"

I was very tempted to disagree, but I had just spent an hour doing cardio so I was exhausted and really didn't feel like putting forth the effort of saying no. I want a nice body because I want a nice body, so that I can enjoy the feeling of being healthy, being not overweight! I don't want a nice body so men can goddamn stare at it. That's not any kind of reason for wanting a nice body, in my not at all humble opinion.

Rahhh. So her and I got into a discussion about the differences between Malaysia and America in terms of women's bodies, and it was pretty enlightening in a lot of ways. Just to know that there are countries out there where women aren't objects by default was pretty nice.

I now belong to a gym and have a trainer. I'm kind of regretting the trainer bit, because I don't really have the money for it, so I'm going to ask him next time I see him (Thursday) if I can go down to two days a week instead of three because I've done the money and I really can't afford it... /sigh

Times like this I wish I were well enough to hold a steady job.

I'm probably going to go to Trivia again tonight-- yay! I'm looking forward to it probably far more than I should.

Mom's talk with Gene went really well. He actually said "I have a really big problem" rather than uh-huh and yes-ing his way through the talk just so it can be over. It's a really big step for him, which makes me happy and proud.

I talked in group yesterday; it wasn't bad. My counselor mentioned a possible different diagnosis than bipolar to me, and so I talked about how I have a lot of my identity tied up in bipolar and being bipolar. Ten years of my life-- almost half, at this point in time.

And now it's time for program to start so I must go. Maybe finish thinking on this later.

Happiness is being at the bus stop on time, even if the bus doesn't end up coming on time.