autohaptic

Program (sometimes referred to as Vistas!) has been kind of wonky lately because there have been a number of things going on. The restructuring of the program itself due to budget cuts was the first thing, and then the basement at the Vistas house flooded and we couldn't use the house anymore because there was mildew everywhere and it was unsafe. Last week was a planned closing of the program; this week was unplanned.

And then we had "orientation" yesterday at the mental health center (henceforth called MHC). It was... well, not bad, not as bad as I was expecting, because I'm the eternal pessimist so I was expecting it to be quite intolerable.

Thanks to various rules at the MHC that weren't there at the Vistas house, a lot of people got cut back to having groups only instead of staying the entire day. I was kind of expecting that for myself (I'm not sure if I was hoping for it or what, but I realized after two weeks not attending Vistas that I really do much better when I'm attending it) but they didn't cut me back to groups only. I'll still be going the whole day, but it'll be Wednesday and Friday only instead of M/W/F.

I guess it's... nice?... to have them kind of acknowledge that I am still at the point where I need that much help. I'm not better; I'm not well enough to get by on groups only. I think I knew it, deep down, but I didn't really want to face it.

I've been trying to fill out stuff for SSDI and it's just like... ungh. It's so hard. I didn't expect for it to be, but at one point I just got so overwhelmed by it that I broke down crying. All I was doing was filling in my doctor's information! It kinda sucked bigtime. (Which reminds me, I need to get Dr. Scott's and Shawn's information from my mom. Or look it up, or whatever, because those two saw me the longest.)

Anyway, back on topic: Program yesterday. The orientation wasn't bad, and they fed us which was a happy thing because I think I would have skipped eating that day entirely if not for that.

They also were awesome enough to have a process group, which I really needed. It's funny-- I was thinking about not talking, at first, but then I told myself, you KNOW you're not doing well, just buck up and talk about it.

So I did. A lot of the group focused on parts that were unhelpful to me, like banging the point home that I need to make sure I eat because I need to be well to take care of my dog. I know that already; I beat myself up about that already. And then they were like, "you have to push away your emotion" which is kind of the problem with me right now; I'm not letting myself feel. So Not Helpful.

But I think Rashida realized that, too, and so she kind of... steered them in a direction that was helpful. Like she hit on the topic of me feeling helpless/inadequate because I can't drive, and asked why. I couldn't answer that (or didn't want to, maybe) but the group helped me to realize that I am doing all that I can do. It's not fair to endanger myself and other people by driving, so I am right to not drive, but that doesn't mean I'm entirely useless. I can still keep an eye on mom and help her to maybe not push herself so hard sometimes, make food, clean up, do laundry, etc. And no one expects more than that from me, so I don't need to expect more than that from myself.

It's hard to remember. It's hard to keep in mind, because I've always wanted to do the most possible (it's one of my issues) even if I'm not really capable of doing that much efficiently.

But. I'm at my mom's now, and I... still wish I could drive. But I know there's nothing I can do about that, not as things are currently. (I aspire to take lessons someday and maybe end up less anxious about the entire thing.) So I'm doing what I can. Helping out in the way I can. And that's the most I can do; no one expects more from me, so I don't need to expect more from myself.

Maybe if I say it enough, it'll finally sink in.

(I'm kind of offended that the "blah" icon in this moodset is a smiley. Really need to make my own icons, I see.)