Strange, the ways life takes us...
Aug. 2nd, 2009 06:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
caritasI've been alive for twenty two years, and what do I know? Pretty much nothing. Every now and then I get glimmers of things I should know, but when I reach to grasp it, pull it closer so I can understand it...it vanishes.
What I do know is that I grew more in a month of being single than in a year of being in a relationship...I find myself stifled, unhappy, and often confused when I'm in a relationship, but when I'm alone, I can concentrate on myself...my actions, my thoughts, my wishes. I learn about myself...but in relationships, I usually find myself learning about my partner. Which is, of course, all well and good...but I'm so young. Shouldn't I know me before I come to know another? Society tends to disagree with me...I know others my age who are on their second marriage. People ask me rather constantly when I'll be getting married (again, I'm only 22, and I've only been with my boyfriend for half a year...and I'm only a year and a half out of a three year relationship...marriage is the LAST thing on my mind). I often feel looked down upon for not being married/not valuing marriage in any personal way.
I miss being alone...and I know I will be again sometime. I love my boyfriend, and I enjoy being with him, but I won't settle into marriage...I'll settle into being alone. That's the way I want it. I'm enjoying my detours on the way though. While it takes more leaning on my friends, I find myself happier and stronger alone than I ever am with someone else. I find relationships tend to wrap up my self worth in my partner's image of me, rather than letting me like myself as myself. If my boyfriend dislikes a petite chest, it makes me anxious and self conscious. Whereas alone, I thrive in my body, my personality. Of course I still have flaws and know it, but they don't grate on me the way they do when I know someone I care about dislikes them.
What I do know is that I grew more in a month of being single than in a year of being in a relationship...I find myself stifled, unhappy, and often confused when I'm in a relationship, but when I'm alone, I can concentrate on myself...my actions, my thoughts, my wishes. I learn about myself...but in relationships, I usually find myself learning about my partner. Which is, of course, all well and good...but I'm so young. Shouldn't I know me before I come to know another? Society tends to disagree with me...I know others my age who are on their second marriage. People ask me rather constantly when I'll be getting married (again, I'm only 22, and I've only been with my boyfriend for half a year...and I'm only a year and a half out of a three year relationship...marriage is the LAST thing on my mind). I often feel looked down upon for not being married/not valuing marriage in any personal way.
I miss being alone...and I know I will be again sometime. I love my boyfriend, and I enjoy being with him, but I won't settle into marriage...I'll settle into being alone. That's the way I want it. I'm enjoying my detours on the way though. While it takes more leaning on my friends, I find myself happier and stronger alone than I ever am with someone else. I find relationships tend to wrap up my self worth in my partner's image of me, rather than letting me like myself as myself. If my boyfriend dislikes a petite chest, it makes me anxious and self conscious. Whereas alone, I thrive in my body, my personality. Of course I still have flaws and know it, but they don't grate on me the way they do when I know someone I care about dislikes them.
