(real lyrics)
I wish I was free of this
I see her in my dreams
Wish that she wasn't there
But she still haunts me and I

Still feel her breath on me
Still want to taste her skin
But I know that would kill me

No damn her, still I choke on her lies
Still reeling from her last caress her good-bye
Oh how this sickens me
This wretched fools affair
I can't erase this from me

And now it permeates
And every thought I feel
The anger writhes in my soul

No damn her still I feel my skin turn
Choke back hold my head high I'm strong
No damn her still I choke on her lies

Not reeling I'm strong

It's not so much the pain
It's more the actual knife
Pretending, the picture is perfect
I cut myself to sleep
I close my eyes for a second
And meet a fragile soul
I scream to hide that I'm lonely
The echo calls my name

If I ever...If I never...
Make me understand the thought whatever
Make me see...Make me be...
Make me understand you're there for me

Take this life
I'm right here
Stay a while and breathe me in

The water drops just beg to hit me
Why now? Haven't rained for days
No time to play hide and seek
I call upon you to take me on
Break me down to pieces
Put me back, do it right this time
Struggling to fill this empty shell
Burn my efforts in the end it means

These thoughts...burn a hole in my heart
These thoughts...will keep me feeding
These thoughts...burn a hole in my heart
These thoughts..will keep me feeding

Drones since the dawn of time
Compelled to live your sheltered lives
Not once has anyone ever seen
Such a rise in pure hypocrisy
I'll instigate I'll free your mind
I'll show you what I've known all this time

God hates us all, God hates us all
You know it's true God hates this place
You know it's true he hates this race

Homicide - Suicide
Hate heals, you should try it sometime
Strive for peace with acts of war
The beauty of death we all adore
I have no faith distracting me
I know why your prayers will never be answered
God hates us all; God hates us all
He fuckin' hates me

Pessimist, terrorist targeting the next mark
Global chaos feeding on hysteria
Cut throat, slit your wrist, shoot you in the back fair game
Drug abuse, self abuse searching for the next high
Sounds a lot like hell is spreading all the time
I'm waiting for the day the whole world fuckin' dies

I never said I wanted to be God's disciple
I'll never be the one to blindly follow

Man made virus infecting the world
Self-destruct human time bomb
What if there is no God would you think the fuckin' same
Wasting your life in a leap of blind faith
Wake the fuck up can't ignore what I say
I got my own philosophy

I hate everyone equally
You can't tear that out of me
No segregation - seperation
Just me in my world of enemies

I never said I wanted to be God's disciple
I'll never be the one to blindly follow
I'll never be the one to bear the cross - disciple

I reject this fuckin' race
I despise this fuckin' place

Apparently my body just rejects food now.

I haven't had a full meal or anything close to it since Tuesday. Just had no appetite at all, not sure why either. But today I tried to force myself to eat some pizza at work, it stayed down for about 30 minutes before it came back up. I guess I'll try a liquid diet or something... at least I'll lose some weight.

anyway, I find myself in a conundrum, Right now at work it's getting pretty bad, several people are talking of quitting. Managers and higher ups are pressuring pple to do a LOT more than what we're getting paid for. And morale is pretty much nil. Plus when school starts back up, they apparently won't adjust my schedule around it anymore. They actually told one of the people "leave school, or lose full time". Only reason I'm full time is for the benefits.

So what I'm considering is going back to where I worked before I got pulled into the retail hell. Bax global, I have several friends that still work there, and I'm sure I can move up quick there (move up = certified = "easier job"). I sat down, weighed the numbers and if I worked 40 hours in 2 weeks at bax, and 64 hours (my avg hours per paycheck) I'd make about 40-70 less gross.

Bax has benefits included, they cover it, where as I pay 59$ for full insurance at office max (which is included in the amount stated above). Another nice thing is, that it's a work out, it's third shift which gives me the entire day to do whatever, plus also completely opens up the day for school when it starts. It also give tuition reimbursement which is always nice.

So, do I go to a more physically demanding job, that pays more hourly, but less hours and make a little less overall? Or tough it out at officemax and look for a more "professional" 9-5 type job?

Other decisions are a little different though and more tricky, I've made a lot of mistakes, a lot that I regret, and I don't want to do the same on these next ones. I hate this shit.

Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the path I'm living on
I'm right on the wrong side of it all

I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy

Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me...

Take the light, undarken everything around me
Call the clowns and listen closely, i'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but i'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(i'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(i'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that i'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, fallin down', but i'll rise above this, rise above this