consignment | Day 80 | Hour 51:00

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Day 80 | Hour 51:00

[Niko is extremely hesitant to post this. In his line of work, being too companionable or sentimental in front of your bosses can spell disaster. But at the same time, he thinks half of what hurts when you lose someone is everything that never had the chance to happen, or worse, never had the chance to be said. And that alone should be worth bringing up.]

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org
TO: ALL

Look, this is not the nicest thing to bring up, but sometimes it doesn't seem as though there is a good life expectancy in this kind of work. The military was the same.

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org
TO: ALL

So maybe you should say what you need to if you like someone here if you haven't yet. It might be worth it. I lost a lot of friends in my unit back home.

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org
TO: ALL

I don't know if letters to home would be sent. But maybe those would be good, too, even if not. Just so what is needed is said and done.

[He doesn't have a lot of friends here, but it's worth saying to the people that do. And now that he thinks about it, he needs to go buy a pad of paper and a pen. He doesn't really want those letters to his mother to be typed out and saved as drafts anymore. He wants them to be for him to see.]

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FROM: windrunner.sylvanas@cdc.org

I'm afraid it's a bit late for that kind of sentiment, for many people. Perhaps next time you can tell them before their friends and family die?

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

Yes. It is a little late for it.

[Normally he'd be an ass, but having seen a friend lose someone again and having lost so many people in the past himself, he's going to withhold comments about the CDC having forgotten to include warning labels. He'll probably leave it at this, too.]

[ this is actually... something that means a great deal to him. jack's not that sure how he feels about it, as per what he ought to do, but he knows that's generally what others should do - take advantage of what you have, before it's gone. ]

FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org

It's either regret or a more potent kind of loss. I'm not sure which is really more endurable.

Depends on how much time you get with them, I suppose.

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

Neither is very. But I think some kind words for people that deserve it couldn't hurt anything.

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

For some of us, there's not much else we can do. We're not doctors are leaders. We can tell some people that they matter and shoot shit that doesn't matter.

[Not a lot of choices there. But he's lost a lot of people in his life, so he's not one to hide his feelings from a person very often if he does care about someone.]

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[ Joel actively avoids sentiment if he can help it. It's fear, out of losing yet another thing he'd get attached to, and that's probably half the reason he deflects the way he does when he responds. ]

FROM: joel@cdc.org

Sounds like you've had too much time to be in your own head.

[His head is a terrible place. He turns it off during fights, full scale battles, games, sex, but other times things weigh on him. This time, though, it's mainly because he knows a lot of people died.]

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

I'm fine. A lot of people lost friends they knew, and I came back to hear about more deaths.

[It's shitty enough that the people back home don't know what they sacrificed to save their world. But to die so far from it without a few kind words? That's fucking horrible in his mind.]

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FROM: talbot.hanna@cdc.org

You okay?

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

Yes, I am okay. It just seemed like a good thing to do.

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

Thank you for asking. My losses are a long time ago.

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[ This is...

This is a good message. It resonates with d'Artagnan in a lot of ways. There are people here he should talk to. He knows that.

But the letter home. That's what strikes a chord with him. He thinks, perhaps, he'll do that. Even if it's never sent at all. ]

FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org

You're right. It's not good to leave things unsaid, or undone.

Do you plan to write, Monsieur?

[For all the sentiment he's just shown, the idea of admitting that he regularly writes his mother is, at the moment, pretty embarrassing still. He can be a warm and loving guy, but he can also be a cold-hearted murderer and he still has to rely on that to get by here.]

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

Probably. I don't know most people here too good, but I got a few people back home I should probably say things to.

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FROM: captain.falcon@cdc.org

Sentimental.

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

Only when I need to be.

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

Here, it's not so bad. I'll tell you something. Thanks for spending time with me. You're a pretty good guy.

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FROM: baku@cdc.org

That's a nice idea.

[it isn't one she'll indulge in, but it's still nice]

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

Leaving things unsaid is pretty tough. Even if you never got to tell someone you liked having them around.

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

I am also sorry I disappeared on you. Probably some not so good dreams going around, now.

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FROM: kirihara.misaki@cdc.org
They say people usually know how you feel even if you don't say it. I don't think that's completely true however.

FROM: kirihara.misaki@cdc.org
Sometimes we're left guessing.

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

To like someone genuinely takes work. At least for me.

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

But we Slavs are good about being open with their feelings when they count. It is one thing we have going for us.

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FROM: uchiha.itachi@cdc.org

It sounds like a nice sentiment. Admirable, even.

FROM: uchiha.itachi@cdc.org

But the burden of regard can be a terrible weight, I think.

Even if you are not the one who remains to carry it.

[Then again, he may be biased; Itachi is a man who has lived most of his life in the dark shadows of what is best left unsaid.]

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

I have a few of those burdens. In hindsight I miss the people that said them, but I'm glad I have that from them.

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

But yeah, that shit can get pretty heavy, too.

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FROM: jablonski.baqer@cdc.org
This guy is smart. Say what you need to say before they're all gone.

[ Everyone he cares about is gone 8V ]

[At least Niko has a couple. He is hoping to keep it that way, but hasn't had much luck at it.]

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

Thanks. Not a lot of people say that about me.

[That he's smart, that is.]

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

But yes, I think it would do more good than harm.

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FROM: revel.andronikos@cdc.org

After everything that's happened recently, that's really not a bad idea. I didn't even get to tell people where I was going before I came here. Should fix that.

[Not that he had many to tell in the first place.]

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

I didn't, either. I don't know if I want them to know. But I still say things, even if they can't hear them.

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FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org

Speaking as someone with experience with loss, it's always best to let your loved ones know they're loved. I mean especially when stuff like this is happening, but just in general too.

FROM: gilbert.elena@cdc.org

I'm sorry about your losses, Niko. Did you want to talk about them?

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

I found the people responsible for many of my losses a long time ago. That part is resolved. I don't worry about them so much anymore, except for the things left unsaid.

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

I wish I could tell them that I got the assholes back for it.

Edited 2015-01-07 15:19 (UTC)

FROM: athos@cdc.org

Do you not worry that this sentiment will be used against you?

[ It's actually something he knows would help a lot of people, but with the CDC, friendships can often be weapons. ]

[He wants to say that it's already been used against them. But he's guarding his speech as much as he can.]

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

It is only the business of you and whom you say it to, in the end.

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

For me, it has had power. Those I care about have driven me through waves of enemies. Without that, I think I would lose my best strength.

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FROM: leng.kai@cdc.org

You served in the military back home? What wars did you fight in?

[It just makes sense they hire soldiers here, but still - this is an experience he can somewhat relate to.]

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

The Yugoslav Wars.

[They're probably in the distant past for Kai, as distant as D'artagnon's is for him. It's hard to tell whether or not he would have heard of them. Wars that aren't WWII are usually forgotten. But the Yugoslav Wars were the worst war in Europe after that for a very long time.]

[And of course, Niko's world is just slightly off kilter.]

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

Just that one, but it went on for a while.

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