Gnothi Seauton

-Edgar Allen Poe, "The Imp of the Perverse"

Not caring to read my last post or its date, I will give a brief status update. I work currently as a developer at a mortgage servicer named HomEq where I was previously a collector. My work environment is drab, not even the colorful setting used in OfficeSpace. Despite what some of my non-corporate friends might imagine to be draining my soul, I find it to be quite right with me. Doubtless some of you thought 'that is because you have no soul.' Hehe. No, to me the company is just the right size to be stable and yet be flexible with not too much bureaucracy. As for my personal life, I tend to spend most of my time reading a book or fiddling with some code. Progressively more rare I turn on my 360 and continue my epic battle against evil in Oblivion or Mass Effect. Kate and I got a new kitten, Loki, I figured it was a safe name no cat could let down. Other than all of that, my days are spent peaceful and quiet. If you were expecting anything exciting or dramatic, sorry. My life is as I wish it, sans house and lawn.

My job has really become stressful and while I find it a great challenge its draining me of being able to do my second job...the job I hopes that would lead to a better future. Even beyond those hopes, I have a huge responsibility to my best friend for sticking his neck to give it to me. I wish I could express the amount of stress that places on me. My only best friend to show loyalty and more...and here I am on the verge of making him look bad and disappointing him. What to do? I had to take Friday and Saturday to relax so I could go work again today. Previously before the market started doing worse, my weekends werent needed for relaxation. Now im lucky if they are enough, without even including the second job. Right now im about to clean the apartment and then sit down to code. Let us all hope I can, today has already left a weight upon me.

I'm sure most of you reading this will first be surprised by a posting from myself. The rest, however, are wondering about the title. Before I delve further into the intention originally for the post. I am currently happy and stable, which many of you know rare of me. If I did ever spend company with any of you, I understand I might be missed. However, I admit I have no plans of anything more than visits to Houston. Indeed Sacramento isn't some wondrous place but it has nourished me back. I read rather often, take more time to say what I mean, comic hunt, and drink wine. While work is good, I have since started retraining myself as a coder. Do not think any of you, including those long past, are forgotten. I have taken much time to reflect on my past. Although, previous actions towards others were wrong, they are simply that...in the past. I hold no grudge to any insults and would appreciate the same. If you haven't spoken with me in a while, please do.

And now for something completely different, my hunt. I have been on the hunt for books and films with anti-heroes. Surprisingly , however, while you would think this something of a dark mind. I have been rather optimistic as of late. Odd, yes? Horror movies fill minor cravings, while books from Michael Moorcock are a feast.

Oh, and one last thing for the Houstonians...DO NOT LET ONE OF TOM DELAY'S LACKEYS FILL HIS SPOT, thank you in advance.

Its been an awfully long time since I last updated, but A lot has happened. I had a job filling internet orders for Dimple Records which went south out of no where, but on the upside Kate had been promoted. We went to Lake Tahoe again a few weekends ago and will be going to San Fransisco and doing the tourist thing for my birthday. Been looking at some different jobs...but I must admit sometimes I feel defeated, eh. I want something I can make a career out of and not just something temporary, normal shit. Probably the worse part about not currently being employed is the lack of socialization. I think it wouldn't be so bad if I heard from friends back in Houston, but I don't. As much as I would like to be sour about them not calling, I left them. Anyway, happy birthday to me.

Well after spending a few weeks here in Sacramento, I finally post. Im happy here, the climate is great and so is Kate. I had typed more to say but it was either political or computer geeks stuff so i deleted it.

Since last we left our hero...well, this is quite an update. I hardly know where to begin, actually. I was thrown out of my house umm some time last week. The minute after I was told to leave I started messaging people and calling to try and get some sort of safety net out I guess. Lucky me (hah!) the next day one of my friend's got a call about some law firm needing a new sytem admin. Right, so he calls me requesting my resume and the next thing I know im waiting for the board's approval. Now if only my stomach wasn't in knots from waiting. In the meantime I will just lounge around my sister's house watching TV.

There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping you and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.
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Fool enough to almost be it
 Cool enough to not quite see it
 Doomed
 Pick your pockets full of sorrow
 And run away with me tomorrow
 June
 
 We'll try and ease the pain
 But somehow we'll feel the same
 Well, no one knows
 Where our secrets go
 
 I send a heart to all my dearies
 When your life is so, so dreary
 Dream
 I'm rumored to the straight and narrow
 While the harlots of my perils
 Scream
 
 And I fail
 But when I can, I will
 Try to understand
 That when I can, I will
 
 Mother weep the years I'm missing
 All our time can't be given
 Back
 Shut my mouth and strike the demons
 That cursed you and your reasons
 Out of hand and out of season
 Out of love and out of feeling
 So bad
 
 When I can, I will
 Words defy the plan
 When I can, I will
 
 Fool enough to almost be it
 And cool enough to not quite see it
 And old enough to always feel this
 Always old, I'll always feel this
 
 No more promise no more sorrow
 No longer will I follow
 Can anybody hear me
 I just want to be me
 When I can, I will
 Try to understand
 That when I can, I will

this might come as a shock to most of you out there but im not generally liked (rolls his eyes at general knowledge). however, i really dont care why for most situations. yeah i know ive done stupid things dwanye & jessica, sonny & becki, along with carmen. these people have every right to dislike me even hate me, and some do, some just ignore my existence. people wonder why im so paranoid...why wouldnt i be, i think everyone has a reason to stay away. and while some dont have a reason to stay away they find me so annoying....well you can guess it. i think ive always been right, for me all i can do is have hopes of starting over with a clean slate somewhere else. cause people hardly ever really do forget or forgive. though i truly wonder how did i loose my friendship with evan? he bailed on me, ignore me, and talk about his real thoughts with everyone else except me. he told me he thought we should delay getting the place because he wanted to save up for furniture. honestly i knew there was more to it but i shouldnt have to drag it out of him. will was told he thought the apartment was ghetto. sonny was told evan was afraid i couldnt keep a job and that by leaving brakecheck i prove him right. i only got a job there to prove to evan i could get a "normal" job. so then why hasnt evan given me a rang yet? is it because i disclosed my pain to gilbert(one of evan's co-workers). i feel betrayed. not to mention forgotten. but i feel forgotten by oh so many friends. so after a long time i had finally let my self just cry. i just let it out. yeah i felt a bit better releasing it, but the problems still existed and i dont really like crying. oh yeah....i had mention this to carmen about having no friends and etc. she said well you have sonny. i have sonny as a friend only when becky is at work. yeah he calls me when he wants me to glance at his linux box (well this is how it feels at least)....but will he call with it being just perfect and needing no ride? hell, i wonder if he was ever told that what i said to carmen about becky was actually heard from evan who heard it from misty. and that while i shouldnt have repeated it to anyone i did express amusement at the rumor....though i shouldnt of. i honestly do dislike her because i equate him meeting her with the same time as our friendship falling apart. that and i really resented him and the others seeing me as a man-whore posssible of trying to rape a girl. yes when i was asked i responded with something stupid but its because i was afraid and i knew how they already viewed me. if he and i hadnt of fallen out of friendship would i of advised him against being with becky? i dont know i dont think i would of only because i never have tried to steer him away from women i didnt approve of. but the resentment of loosing him as friend is just another wound i had to take care of. yes i get crazy and manic when i loose a friend. i.e. when dwayne started dating jessica, i already felt like she was distorting dwayne and i's friendship and i resented it. i honestly know that either way without the drama i cause or with theres no way i could of maintained the friendship i felt i had. what else do i have in my closet...well i guess thats it for now. where do i go now?

fuck.

Lets see, BrakeCheck sucks major ass. I get 6 an hour while time goes by amazingly slow doing lots of heavy labor in terrible heat. The only reason I took this fucking job was so to have more cash for moving out which isn't happening now since Evan says the place is ghetto. I take that back he hasn't told me that, hell he hasn't even told me he doesn't wanna move in. He is actually avoiding me and the topic. Im gonna get the money I put down for the deposit back and maybe buy something I want. Im waiting on information on getting some job selling homes to be built. That job pays well and is super comfy, if it works out I will be greatly pleased. Im getting pretty ticked how some people treat me....I dunno how to explain it exactly but I feel like everyone expects me to mooch and all sorts of things...bleh whatever. If this home selling thing works I might just move out by myself, besides I know I like living with myself. I have no friends to hang out with and nothing to do ever....maybe I will buy an Xbox. Im getting to point where im actually fucking sad and the last thing I want is to become depressed AGAIN...I need a holiday.

So Sunday I put a deposit down on an apartment....Evan wants to wait 'till his parents come home before he turns in his renters application. Im just glad I got him to wanna take that leap...though I was the one who actually laid down the cash. I've been having a terrible time recently, the day's contents seem so irritating. I keep finding myself wanting something to do but no one is available. Well I guess its here I embark on my adventures as a bachelor. Note to self though, will need more cash so much fun can be had....otherwise life will be lived pinching pennies for what will seem too long. I need to get a body pillow...something to cuddle with will help me a bit. Blah, I dunno.