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Video | UN: Susiezilla

Hey, I don’t know who is responsible for assigning numbers here but THIS?

[The video feed turns into a blurry purple blob, then refocuses onto the back of a purple, clawed hand. The number written on it is clear to see. 194]

What the HELL?

[It switches back to her face, which, for the record, is some kind or purple dinosaur monster, currently sporting some demon horns. Although the camera is held awfully close so it's hard to see anything besides shaggy hair and sharp teeth,]

Some of you are walking around with 800s and 900s and I’m back at one-ninety?? What are you all, murderers?

[Maybe don’t answer that.]

Anyway. Seeing that I'm such a better person than all of you, and since I have some time to kill, I had an idea:

⋆ ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆SUSIE’S COOL ADVICE CORNER ⋆ ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

Give me your questions. Get advice. After all of this self-improvement, we'll be out of here by morning.

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Why would you think that?! We don't know--you've got no idea what the criteria are, or how these things get assigned. You can't just get on here and accuse people of being murderers just because their number is higher than yours!

Are you a murderer?

No!! Why would you think that!? And don't--don't say it's because of my number, because as we have established, we have no idea how they're assigned.

[It's a good thing this is audio because every time Wheatley tells a self-serving lie his number goes up.]

Edited 2021-10-28 22:59 (UTC)

You're pretty defensive. Kind of like a murderer might be.

[Likewise, whenever Susie is a shit for the sake of being a shit, her number goes up.]

Well, I'm not. Never done anything like that. Never even had--had murderous tendencies, or thought about murder. Barely know how to define it. Oh, murder? What's that? Wouldn't know, because I've never tried it.

[She laughs.] I mean you just got hands this week, right? Kind of hard to murder when you're just a ball.

I think you're clear.

[So says the court of Susie.]

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there's so much anticipation

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Who the hell are you to be such a judgmental bitch?

I wouldn't take advice from you even if you were the Pope.

fine then suffer here forever

im trying to HELP

That so? Sounds like you're just here to brag and rub people's pasts in their faces. Sometimes people don't have a choice about what happens to them, or who they have to become to survive.

You wouldn't know a bad time if it broke those shitty horns off your head.

damn youd think youd have thicker skin on account of your extremely hard life

you dont know ANYTHING about me

AND YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME SO JUST SHUT THE HELL UP

ASK A QUESTION OR LOG OFF BITCH

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honestly? yes!

[ASKDLFJASKDJFFSDLKFJ]

liiiiisten

sometimes? when ur in btwn a rock and a hard place???? u, like, have just got to stab a guy! or 20.

woah REALLY??

i was just joking but uh. based on these replies i think i hammered on the nail.

sometimes it's just kill or be killed, okay?

what, you think i like murder? i'd take a mud mask over a massacre any day! only one of those things makes me break out and uh, you guessed it! it's other people's blood. tbh tho the alien goop is the WORST that gunk really clogs up ur pores n shit

hey I agree completely. saccharine bullshit only goes so far. If someone is threatening me they better be ready to get it twice as hard.

It just doesn’t usually… go that far.

not for you, maybe!

[Despite Rex's tendency to veer into gallows humor and his horrifying (read: murderous and not sexual) body count, he has some pretty hard and fast rules when it comes to killing. If the threat can be detained, bargained with, or stopped by means of force in which outright slaughter can be avoided, he'd prefer to do things that way. By no means is the murder of innocents in his book justified, ever. Rex is no Cecil Steadman.]

i take it you've never had 6 guys tryin to kill ya all at once. or ever had anybody attempt 2 stab a knife in2 ur spleen so that they could sell it on the black market later? no???? oh, ooh! or!!! u weren't ever on a list of the fbi's most wanted for a bunch of crimes that you didn't even know were crimes, which were only being committed willingly bc you were manipulated and brainwashed? huh??? just me??? ok

[The real criminal offense here is that Rex is the kind of person who uses "you" and "u" interchangeably in the same text message.]

sounds like it????

jeez who did you piss off in your world?

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WHY DID I LAUGH KASJLDF

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:D

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Hi!

( it's him. )

Your number is one-ninety? Wow! Anyway. I do have a question... how do you make someone like you more?

Oh. Hey.

[Actually, it’s kind of embarrassing for Ralsei to see this ahh.]

What’s wrong? Is someone being mean to you?

[She thinks of the weird human on the beach who threatened her, although her expression remains casual.]

Mean to me? No! No, no. Not... anyone specific.

( he adjusts his hat. )

And there's nothing wrong! I'm just curious, because you said you had answers.

( a beat, then: )

So Susie! Advice, please!

[Well. At least he's okay. But now she has to come up with good advice. Ugh why did she do this!]

Well. Being less of a NERD might help.

[Insert clip of Susie laughing.]

You just gotta... give people cakes. Yeah. Everyone likes cakes.

Less of a nerd?! I can't help that!

( and now he starts to play with his glasses. )

... cakes... have you seen any ovens? Cauldrons? Places where I could actually make them?

Well there was that whole CAR that was just one big kitchen. Do you remember?

[What a good world.]

I bet you got through there, no problem.

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