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text; un: basher

My dearest fellows and ladies, sorry blighters and addle-witted sods alike,

[ When you start a sentence like that, you know you've probably have earned your spot in hell...and aren’t terribly torn up about it. And anyone reading probably knows they're in for a lot of nonsense. ]

Suffice it to say, I should likely take any and all complaints up with the director of the place. Unfortunately, I seem to have misplaced his calling card—or rather, not received it at all. As such, I will take my complaints up with the lot of you instead.

Hell has proven itself to be slightly less fire and brimstone than Christianity has led the English to believe. I've always believe it to be a load of rot, but I'm not too proud to admit when I've been proven wrong. It is a great deal better than Wessex. Sheep-shagger country, that. How many of you hail from Wessex? The lot of you must feel as if you're on the upshot now.

All the same, I’ve found myself highly dissatisfied in this idea of “eternal damnation”. Am I not meant to be suffering? It's quite the opposite, my dear chums. I've never felt better! Your blood-sports have shown themselves to be exciting. They certainly do live up to their name, and I've heard promising rumours about the creatures lurking in the swamps. If the heat is meant to drive me mad, I'm afraid you're out of luck. You'll find the same weather in the jungle. I don't feel as if I'm suffering at all.

That being said, I’m currently in the market for a fresh bit of kit. I’m not particularly choosy, but I do expect all applicants to be clean and in working order.

[ Guns. He’s talking about guns. ]

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Doesn't taking the time to type all of this out count as suffering?

Not at all. This was entirely of my own volition, just as reading it was entirely of yours.

Just because something's done of our own volition doesn't mean it isn't suffering. Now, what specifically is it that you're looking for? I'm still new here but I may be able to help you locate it.

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tigers - 2017-01-09 02:50 (UTC) - Expand

[ Jim is so not getting the few minutes of his life he spent reading that back. So much waffle and for very little.]

Wales.

They're going to love you. Very soon the idiots here are going to be falling over themselves, shouting "look at me, I can help you, pick me, pick me." This place is not as funny as it would like to be.

What of it? Plenty of sheep-shaggers there as well, I'd wager.

[ This is what your Professorly counterpart puts up with almost every day, Jim. You can handle this. ]

Well, it would seem as though you're quite wrong about that, chummy. They've yet to be of any help at all. A fawning public indeed.

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Yeah, y'know, I keep thinking the same thing, about the damnation. Nice place for sick fucks to spend an eternity. I know it bugs me, but why are you complaining? Seems like you're having a grand ol' time here, chum.

[It's so unfortunate there isn't a sarcasm font he can use for that "chum" bit.]

[ "Chum" should never be used sarcastically. Never. ]

Well, it comes as a bit of a disappointment, doesn't it? You spend your life being told that you'll burn in hell all because you've bashed in one or two skulls, and then you finally arrive and it's no worse than life up above. It's simply not what I expected. Those poor saps should be set straight. Given the proper information.

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Stopped listenin' at dearest. Gotta make your speeches snappy. Short, snappy, y'know, interestin'.

[ Oh, are we switching to audio now? That's just fine. He can work with that. ]

Perhaps, but I've found that it's far easier to keep the public enraptured through anticipation alone. Ain't a thing wrong with one or two of them conking out before the shot hits its mark. They've simply missed out.

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i dont know much about the religions of other worlds, but fire and brimestone is a little on the nose, dont you think?

i mean the administration here is called "brimstone"

My dear fellow and/or lady, you must not know the English. The fire and brimstone has been more than a little exaggerated.

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dreadful place, wessex. can't say it's any worse than here, though. we've got the sheep-shaggers, too.

And I'd wager the let of them are from Wessex, though one might take to the thought that you know from experience.

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tigers - 2017-01-11 00:29 (UTC) - Expand

get your sexy disheveled moran out of here

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look i'm rly low on good icons rn

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I was surprised as well. For many, this place is better than what they left behind.

Though, if you'd like to keep it that way, best to not go exploring the swamps. There's plenty of danger in the city, if that's what you're looking for.

Rather not enough danger in the city for my tastes. Perhaps you misunderstand me. I'm a sportsman. If there's game to be had, I well intend to go after it.

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like a half hour later he's been stewing on this

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I'd always heard it was the Welsh who were overly fond of their ewes. Guess that sort of thing spreads though.

[Actually, as an American who spent the last few years of his life in the worst parts of London, he's heard pretty much every negative stereotype, every form of slander and calumny men can throw at each other. Sheep shagger's not even the worst of it.]

And just a word to the wise, friend--before you congratulate yourself too much on your ability to take hell in stride--things change. And down here, they don't often change for the better.

Bit of a bleed-over, chum. You find them in all areas, but I've found that it's rather excessive in Sussex.

[ He just really doesn't have a lot of love for Sussex. There is legitimately no reason for it. ]

All the better, then. Wouldn't want things to get dull, would we?

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...Well, I wasn't aware texts could be more than a 140 characters. You sir, are an innovator.

The plants here are fantastic as well, hardy and hard to kill.

Indeed, though my innovations are not ordinarily taken as a positive thing.

[ He can admit to being horrible, at the very least. Don't worry, he knows he's tl;dr too. ]

The plants, you say? I can't say I've ever had to hold my own against shrubbery before, but I'm more than open to the idea.

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You wanna type that a little bigger so Brimstone can see it better?

I wouldn't tempt the powers that be, if I were you.

If there is a way to type it any larger, I would be happy to do as much.

[ Class A troll, right here. ]

For why not? Perhaps it will get them off their sorry arses and spur them into action.

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TL;DR

_{[ except he did read it. all of it. and to be honest he rather regrets that decision. who even is this man and why should he care about his opinion jesus christ, people are so self-indulgent.

pot calling the kettle black rings out inside his head for a moment. no idea why. he dismisses it immediately. ]}

[ Ah, that username. Brings back memories of a not-long past conversation with the Professor. "Only an idiot guesses or reasons or deduces". This person, whoever they may be, gives him cause to laugh.

But a lot of you guys are using acronyms and he doesn't understand any of them. Please. ]

What is it that you've deduced, then? What dead-eyed guesses have you made based upon this text alone?

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1/5??

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no im not done yet i'll just let you know :)

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done

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oh my god charlie

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i missed u hannah

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i missed u too charlie

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u da best

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no u

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That's a real long walk just to say you're looking for a piece, friend.

But you read it all the same, chum.

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