icanfix | [post-TLJ AU]

[post-TLJ AU]

[Rey has assiduously not been counting the days since she last saw Ben Solo -- that moment of force connection when she closed the door on him and everything she had hoped he could be. No, Ben had closed the door on her hopes for him; she closed the door on her grief. She had wasted fourteen years of her life waiting, hoping, grieving the absence of her parents rather than accepting reality; she wasn't going to make that mistake on some guy who had done objectively terrible things, no matter how sad his backstory. She needed to be more like Leia, who accepted her son's monstrosity with complete equanimity and never lost sight of what really mattered.

No, she had very deliberately avoided counting the days, but she still knew, with the painfully keen sense of the passage of time she'd developed on Jakku. Twelve days.

The clock in the Resistance's new grungy galley chimed midnight -- make that thirteen. She poked morosely at her colorful bowl of... something. Finn had given her a bunch of plants earlier to make her feel better, probably remembering their first journey with Han and her discovery of new foods. She appreciated the gesture, and didn't have the heart to tell him that they tasted terrible.

(Leia had smiled when she saw Finn's gift, and Rey had briefly felt an overwhelming urge to punch her mentor in the face. She cycled so quickly between admiring the older woman's equanimity and hating her for it. How she could give up on her son so easily. How she could just leave him behind while he screamed alone in the dark, at the mercy of someone powerful and cruel.)

Rey shook her head frantically, trying to dispel the fog that muddled her and Ben's pasts together. When that didn't work, when the fog became a fire in her blood, claws on her skin, she screamed and threw her mug against the wall, hoping the shattered ceramic would take her feelings with her.]

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[The last twelve -- thirteen now -- days had not been fun for the new Supreme Leader of the First Order.

Everything should have been fine, really. The Resistance had been decimated prior to the battle of Crait. Snoke, the creature who had haunted Ben Solo and Kylo Ren alike, was dead. The full might of the First Order and its stormtrooper army was at Kylo Ren's disposal. But.

But General Hux was breathing down Kylo Ren's neck, waiting for an opening, eager to destroy him and take control of the First Order. He was in a fine position to succeed, too -- the stormtroopers and the First Order officers were loyal to him, not to Ren, and Hux had a head for the everyday minutiae of regime-running that the new Supreme Leader lacked (both qualities that, tragically, made it difficult for Kylo to justify murdering the other man). It was only a matter of time before the general made his move, and Kylo Ren had no intention of making himself an easy target.

And then there was the girl and the usual inner turmoil, but the threat of a coup and the demands of running the First Order had kept Kylo occupied.

He was attempting to meditate in his quarters (fully clothed, thank you, as he had no intention of facing an inevitable assassination attempt half naked) when a scream startled him into action. He was on his feet, lightsaber in hand but not yet ignited, before he realized that it was not an assassin at all.

It was Rey.

...Who, to be fair, might also be inclined to kill him since they hadn't parted on the friendliest terms.]

Rey.

Edited 2020-02-15 04:57 (UTC)

[He appears as the shattered ceramic clatters to the floor, his head scant inches away from where the cup had hit the wall. For a wild moment, Rey wonders if she had thrown it at him and if they were in the middle of a fight she forgot about, the deja vu is so intense.

But no, they weren't fighting. Technically at war, yes, but not fighting. In order to fight, they'd have to hope that the other might possibly change, and Rey has given up hope for Ben, has accepted his decision to remain Kylo Ren. (She doesn't want to kill you, Ben, she's just disappointed.) And he surely understands that she has chosen her path. No matter what her inner turmoil, no matter her anger, no matter how a part of her yearns for the dark & the cool, she will never betray the Resistance. Instead of having hope, she'll be hope, just like Leia. No matter how tiring it can be.]

What are you doing here? [Her voice has an edge, but isn't quite angry. Confused, but avoiding curiosity -- an attempt to portray strength and authority more than a request for information. And yet she desperately wants to know.

Snoke is dead -- how can they still be connected?]

[From Kylo's perspective, Rey is very much in his quarters. Even after she replies, it takes his sleep-deprived mind a moment more to realize that this is the force connection. She's not really there, and she's just as surprised to see him as he is to see her. Curious.

And curiosity is the prevailing tone when he answers.]

I'm not there, with you. [Wherever she is. He still can't see her surroundings.] The force is connecting us... again.

[He's almost relieved. He shouldn't be, not after things went so sour in the throne room and after Crait, but Rey is a breath of fresh air in the viper's nest that is the First Order. It's oddly refreshing to talk to someone who won't stab him in the back -- not because she doesn't have the means and motive to kill him now, but because she would almost certainly be courteous enough to stab him in the front.]

Where are you? On the Falcon?

[She knows you're not ACTUALLY here, dumbass. She's not stupid enough to think Ben Solo would randomly appear in their hidden Resistance base and make a peaceful beeline to the kitchen. She rolls her eyes.]

Like I'm going to tell you where I am, Supreme Leader.

[She focuses on that little spark of anger, remembering his refusal to save Resistance lives, him choosing the First Order and the path of the dark side, because otherwise his calm curiosity and refusal to react to her violence will make her remember when they first connected and everything that had followed & changed her mind about him, gave her reason to hope in him.]

[Okay, so he hadn't expected that to work, but he's still dismayed by her hostility. Does he deserve it? Yes, of course, even he understands that he hadn't handled things well after she declined his (generous, reasonable) proposal to rule the galaxy. Was he hoping she'd be willing to go right back to whatever partnership they were building prior to that?]

You've given up on Ben.

[...Yeah, he was.]

You're upset. I understand.

[It's an attempt at pacification, not an apology. He's not sorry that he assumed leadership of the First Order or pressed the attack on Crait (although he does have some regrets).]

Edited 2020-02-15 19:54 (UTC)

[He says You've given up on Ben and she feels intense guilt, like she's failed somehow -- and then angry at that guilt. It isn't HER fault he chose the wrong path! She shouldn't feel compelled to give someone chance after chance after chance!

His condescending attempt at pacification crawls on her skin like an army of fire ants.]

Do you? Do you really? [Turning the condescension back at him.]

Then why don't you tell me, Ben. Why am I upset?

[She doesn't notice that she used his name.]

[Should he find her condescension endearing? Her stubbornness? Her inability to truly destroy her hope that Ben is still alive and capable of leaving the First Order? Probably not, and yet.]

You thought that you could turn me into a tool for the Resistance. I feel it too -- the disappointment. I thought that you would join me. We were both wrong.

[It had felt like a betrayal when she refused him and reached for the lightsaber. She didn't really want Ben, did she? She wanted the loyalty of a powerful force user who would fight for the Resistance and help them topple the First Order.

Except she wouldn't still be this angry if it wasn't personal -- if she didn't care about him outside of his potential usefulness, at least a little. He wants to believe that she cares, even the smallest bit, so badly.

(He's doomed. If Hux doesn't come through with a coup, Rey's going to murder him and he's going to thank her for it.)]

[Technically Correct And Yet Completely Wrong: The Ben Solo Story. Rey is so blindingly furious at his response that she can't say anything, can't even look at him. She stands up and begins cleaning up the mess she made instead. Her every movement is both sharp and excessively forceful, violence just barely channeled into a safely productive channel.

People DIED! You let them DIE! she wants to shout at him, but why bother shouting that at one of the galaxy's most infamous murderers?

How could you possibly think I ever would have joined you? she wants to ask, but doesn't, because the answer is obvious and her wounded feelings embarrassing. He was delusional, and she was an idiot for thinking that he understood her just because he'd looked into her thoughts and correctly identified a few blindingly obvious Childhood Traumas.]

You're right. I was wrong to think there was any light left in you. I thought I could save you, like Luke saved Vader. But it turns out I'm no Luke Skywalker --

[She looks up at him, not knowing exactly where that last thought had come from but seizing it eagerly and aiming it straight for his heart.]

And you're no Darth Vader.

[He isn't even trying to get a rise out of her, which is making this a rather frustrating experience.

Kylo's attempt to discern Rey's location by analyzing the ceramic shards that she's collecting (why can he see the items she touches and the clothes she wears, but not the ground that she's in contact with?) comes to abrupt halt when she mentions Luke and Vader. Damn her for knowing how to hurt him.

If her aim was to make him angry, she has succeeded. Good work?]

I have more power than Vader ever did! Power that I was willing to share with you.

[Maybe it was. She finds his anger liberating, an excuse to properly express her own.]

You were going to let people die! What's even the POINT of being powerful if you don't use it to save people?

[On some level she realizes that this is something she's never understood about him, despite their conversations and her insights into his mind courtesy of the Force. Unkar Plutt wanted power to build wealth. Leia wanted power to keep hope alive, while Snoke seemed to delight in using his power to make others suffer. What did Ben want power for?]

Why would I have saved the Resistance? They want me dead.

[It's a deflection, but maybe an admission as well. His thirst for power is driven by fear -- fear that others will hurt or use or betray him if he can't control or destroy them first. Power means not having to be afraid.]

[His words might have reached her heart, once -- but now she refuses to do so.]

Your mother would never let that happen. [Leia has shown almost no emotion about her son's betrayal, but Rey knows -- believes -- that the general would have protected her son. Locked him in a prison cell, sure, but she would never let him be killed.]

You had an opportunity to change, to prove that you could be good, and instead you let people die.

You don't know that. [He firmly believes that she would allow his execution, if not order it herself. If he can't be useful, he should be dead; it's pragmatic. It's how a smart leader would treat a dangerous enemy.]

I wouldn't have let you die.

Yes, I do know that. [Or at least believes it strongly enough that it feels like knowing. She adores Leia, even when she's angry at the older woman. Even when she resents Leia for abandoning her son, she wishes that her parents had abandoned her for the noble cause of revolution and not just drinking money. (All of this subconscious, obviously.)

But of course he's moved on, turning the conversation back to her in a way she doesn't like.]

I'm not the only person I want to survive! You can't pretend to care about me but let everyone I love die!

You don't! [Rey has known Leia for, what? Two weeks? She can't understand how all-consuming the general's commitment to her cause is. She didn't grow up in the shadow of the Rebellion.] She would side with the Resistance over me -- over you, over anyone.

Do they love you in return, Rey? Your friends in the Resistance? What would they sacrifice for you?

[Finn risked his life to rescue her from the Starkiller. Leia risked the safety of the Resistance by giving her a tracker so that they could always find her way back to them, even though there was a chance it could fall into the wrong hands. The Resistance has taught her, protected her, given her the community, the family, she's never had.

She is right up in Ben's personal space, staring him straight in the eyes, her voice low and cold.]

More than YOU would.

[His anger dissipates in the face of Rey's icy directness. He wants to argue that he would sacrifice everything, and he would, but he knows now that nothing he has means anything to her. Power, the First Order, the title of Supreme Leader -- Rey doesn't value those things. That's why he failed: he offered her everything he had and none of it was what she wanted. And now that she's given up on Ben, Kylo Ren has nothing at all to offer her.

He recoils.]

What do you want from me?

[The supreme leader's tone is tired rather than combative, and maybe he's addressing the force itself as much as Rey. They must still be connected for a reason; if that reason is revealed, perhaps it'll stop encouraging them to torment each other.]

[He wasn't going to give any of that up, though. Sharing it, yes, but not letting it go. He failed because he wouldn't give up Kylo Ren.

But his tired voice makes it hard for her to hold onto that icy anger, and she speaks without thinking, more honestly than she means to.]

I just want you to come back to the Light.

[Maybe he should take his own advice about letting go of the past. Maybe someday he'll be brave enough to, but now, as in the throne room, his past as Kylo Ren seems inescapable.]

It's too late. You said it yourself: you were wrong to think that there's light left in me.

[He'd probably be making a better case for himself if he didn't sound so sad.]

Yeah. Right. [She's not holding out hope for him anymore, remember? She knows better this time.

She turns away from him, hoping that if she just stops looking at him, the Force connection will end. She picks up her flower bowl and pokes at the contents with her fingers, debating whether to go back to eating or just throwing it out.]

[He turns away as well, but glances back when the bowl appears in her hands. What begins as a sneaky assessment of the bowl's contents (flowers? so the Resistance is definitely planetside) shifts into confusion.]

Are you... eating those?

[Rey's just put one of the flowers in her mouth, because Finn's been a good friend to her and she's going to prove she values his friendship by finishing what he gave her.]

What?

That's an aura blossom. It's not edible.

[Also native to Endor and widely cultivated throughout the New Republic, but that information is currently of secondary importance.]

[She chews and swallows, just to spite him.]

Really.

[She doesn't sound impressed.]

[He's not all that impressed either, honestly.]

Really. It's mildly poisonous.

Oh. Oh no. [She clutches her mouth and starts to gag. It's a petty, childish prank, but she's so very annoyed and she's running out of ways to express that without screaming.]

[There's a brief moment where he's genuinely concerned. It passes quickly enough when he remembers that Rey is a desert rat who could probably eat a field of aura blossoms and experience only the mildest indigestion.

Oh, and she's his greatest enemy. That too. Yes.]

You're childish.

[He turns his back on her and -- oh. Oh no, the concern isn't entirely gone. This is terrible.]

Don't eat the rest of that just to spite me. It's not worth it.

Edited 2020-02-24 02:28 (UTC)

[Oops, too late, she's already shoving another one in her face while glaring straight at him.

A sound down the hall makes her jump -- and when she turns back, Ben is gone. She should feel relieved, but there's another feeling running underneath that she's deliberately not thinking about. It's not worth it. She's moving on.

She dumps the rest of her salad in the trash.]

[A week goes by without any forcebond-related incidences, which, honestly, is just as well. Yes, Kylo Ren finds himself missing the scavenger on more than one occasion (why is he like this), but being Supreme Leader is challenging and he doesn't need any distractions. Distractions could be fatal.

He's in his quarters surrounded by data pads when the atmosphere shifts and the bond opens. Although he's just as tired as he was before, he is in slightly better spirits. One of the orders he's signing off on will put an end to the Stormtrooper Program's child "recruitment" campaign -- something that he supports morally, of course, as he has his own issues with the First Order's practices of child abduction and brainwashing, but it'll have the added benefit of making Hux extremely angry. Hopefully it'll motivate the general to step up his efforts to depose the current supreme leader. Some earnest assassination attempts would be a welcome reprieve from all of the paperwork and bureaucratic nonsense.]

[Rey hasn’t told anyone about seeing Ben — not even Leia. She’s thought about it once, twice, five hundred times, but always at the last second, she closes her mouth. Is she worried the older woman will be angry at her, the way Luke was, for being connected to Ben? Is she afraid that Leia will be hurt that Rey, a nothing nobody, is able to connect with her son when she cannot? Is she concerned that this connection will be used to hurt him in some way?

Some combination thereof, most likely. Feelings are a confusing mess.

She’s tried to read about the history of the Jedi order and Jedi philosophy, thinking the answer lay somewhere in there. What she’s found is that Jedi mysticism makes her feel like an idiot (because it makes no sense) and more than a little disgruntled (because what she thinks she understands maybe strikes her as bullshit). It’s a far cry from the heroic Jedi Order in all the stories she grew up hearing.

Surely, though, there’s just something she’s misunderstanding, and once she understands that, everything will fall into place. Surely.

Which is how she comes to be sitting on the floor of her room, dropping her fifty-third tome of Jedi “wisdom” onto the ground in disgust.]

Why doesn’t this make any sense?!?

[Kylo Ren is (vexingly, regrettably, disappointingly) pleased when the bond springs to life and places and deposits an irritated Rey in his quarters. He glances at her over his data pad, doing his level best to appear aloof and unmoved. It would be disastrous if Rey suspected that seeing her is the best thing that's happened to him all week.]

What doesn't make sense?

[Rey doesn't jump when she realizes they've once again been Force-connected. (Okay, maybe a little.) She debates ignoring him, yelling at him, trying to find something that will cut the connection... in the end, she does none of those things. She's tired and she's been fighting Jedi texts for days and she's sick of keeping secrets.]

Everything. Jedi philosophy, Jedi history. [A beat, and then a particular question bursts out of her.]

If the Force is the energy between all things, how can it have a will?

[His need to play it cool is no match for the temptation of Force philosophy and history. He sets his pad down.]

It isn't sentient -- it doesn't have a conscious will like you or I do -- but some think that it has an inherent direction.

I don't think that it does.

Edited 2020-03-05 06:06 (UTC)

[It's a surprisingly intense relief to have someone knowledgable actually talk to her about the Force. Luke hardly taught her anything, too caught up in his own bitterness, and Leia keeps saying she would teach her but she's caught up in leading a rebellion.

She scoots closer without thinking, her brow furrowing slightly.]

An inherent direction ... you mean like electricity? Or how sand always flows downhill?

[It's probably just as well that she doesn't tell Kylo Ren that Luke Skywalker failed to teach her and General Organa is too busy to bother. He would have some thoughts about both of those things.]

Yes, like that. They say the Unifying Force is like the gravity that draws the sand downhill. [Okay, it's not a perfect analogy since gravity as a force is directionless but -- whatever, neither of them have time for well-crafted metaphors.] They also say that you can't escape that pull. Everything is pre-determined.

{Rey frowns, something about that not sitting right with her. Everything is pre-determined. Her parents abandoning her, pre-determined. Ben killing his father, pre-determined. The deaths of all those Resistance fighters, pre-determined.

Where is the room for hurt, for anger, for hope in a universe that's pre-determined?]

That's ridiculous.

It is.

[He's never been a fan of pre-determinism, not as Kylo Ren or as Ben Solo. Maybe some find comfort in the idea that life will inevitably unfold a certain way; he doesn't. It's terrifying, imagining that it's all out of his control.]

Where did you hear about the will of the force?

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[post-TLJ AU]

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going to completely contradict Leia's characterization vis-a-vis TROS

yoooo burn TROS down I won't cry buddy

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