To escape the Captchaaaa

Jan. 9th

1. This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business

2. I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.

3. Please don't tell me that blond girls name is Lisa I won't be able to fuck a girl with my sisters name

4. The paramedics were not my fault this time.

Jan. 22nd

1. You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell

2. I just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

3. I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth

Jan 30th

1. I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way that I'd like them to

2. the police scanner is talking about you again…

3. no i'm not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob

4. just woke up in a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet than what i had before going out, about $1000 more

Feb. 5th

1. and all I could think about was how big belly burger would not be open anymore after we were done having sex

2. somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing don't stop believing.

3.i was just singing like a virgin out loud and my sister told me to stop kidding myself.

4. just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day

[TEXT AND/OR MISFIRE HIM AT ANY TIME]