I came to fandom relatively recently, but the two times I've been a part of Yuletide, it's been a pleasure. I love seeing what people request, scheming treats, figuring out how to answer prompts, reading the great bounty of stories, and being part of the overall sense of joy and merriment and delight.

There's only one thing that consistently bums me out about Yuletide: I'll look at someone's dear author letter and they've requested not to receive certain kinds of kinky content in one of these thoughtless ways. There is nothing wrong, of course, with requesting that your Yuletide fic not contain BDSM or other kinds of kink. But the way you express your request can have a big impact.

Here's the thing about me: I'm kinky. Kink (well, certain kinds of kink) is what gets me hot, and it's also a big part of how I build intimacy. It's an area of life where I get to be creative and get to learn and grow. I love the intimacy that comes with doing this kind of learning with someone, and also the intimacy-with-myself that comes from doing this learning at all. I treasure the people with whom I can share what I've learned, whether it's a partner and me having figured out a new thing we can do as part of our D/s dynamic, or having discovered I'm hot for something I had no idea I was into, or having come up with a perfect analogy to illustrate how this one kind of D/s feels.

Most places are not places I can share those parts of myself; in fact, in most places, there are consequences for doing so. Before realizing I needed to seek out specifically kinky people to date, I had partners scoff at the very activities I was just beginning to realize I wanted to do. When I make new acquaintances, I am constantly deciding how open to be about who I am and what matters to me. It's not that I want to shower strangers with detailed descriptions of my most intimate fantasies, but sometimes questions like "why did you move to [current place of residence]?" or "how did you meet [friend]?" or "what kind of writing do you do?" can't be answered truthfully without some reference to kink. So I can either talk around the truth or risk answering honestly, knowing the person could well respond with dehumanizing levels of disgust or prurient curiosity.

All of which is to say that one of the things I value about fandom is that it does largely feel like a safe space both to be out about being kinky and to connect with other people to whom kink is important. So it just really sucks to be wandering around fandom with my guard down and come upon a request that makes it sound like kink is a gross, icky thing whose very existence is both an imposition and a threat that must be warded off at all costs.

Here's the thing: if you don't want to receive kink, I don't want to write it for you. If you phrase your request not to receive kink thoughtlessly, I also won't want to write anything else for you, and I will come away from your letter feeling sad and alienated. I don't think most people who make the kind of thoughtless requests I’m talking about do it maliciously, though—at least, I hope not. So for anyone who's wondering how to respectfully decline to receive kinky content in a gift fic, I offer the following suggestions.

Think About What You Do Want

One of the most effective ways to get a story written to your taste is to tell your writer what you like. This may seem obvious, but it can be tricky. Many of us aren't taught how to talk or think or write about the kinds of erotic content we enjoy, apart from maybe naming a few sex acts. But you can give your writer a lot of information: What is important to you in a sex scene? Character development? Sensory descriptions? Explicit consent? Accurate physical descriptions? Laughter? What kind of tone(s) do you like in sex scenes? Tender? Breathless? Meditative? Sensual? Humorous? Joyful? Adversarial? Do you enjoy reading long, detailed depictions of sexual encounters? What kinds of sex acts would you like to read about? The more you can tell your writer about what you want to read, the more likely it is that they'll come up with something you like.

Understand That There Is No Normal

One of the common threads in thoughtless no-kink requests is writers asking for "normal" sex or erotic content that isn't "unusual" or "heavy" or "extreme." There are two problems here. First, calling one kind of sex "normal" implies that anything else is weird and deviant. (It also implies that not being interested in certain acts is weird and deviant, which sucks doubly for someone like me who both likes kinky stuff and doesn't like some normative stuff). If you prefer characters only have sex where they touch each other gently, say so. If you only want egalitarian power dynamics, say that. But you will make a lot of people feel crappy if you imply that those acts are "regular" and everything else is "freaky."

The second problem is that it's not clear what you mean. What might seem "unusual" or "heavy" or "extreme" to me might not to you, and vice versa. So someone who wants to write you a gift you'll like may well steer clear of all erotic content to be sure of staying within bounds. Again, stating what you would like will help you here. Are there some kinds of non-normative erotic content that you would enjoy? What might those be? I see the phrase "light bondage" a lot, but what is "light bondage" to you? Bondage done with only certain materials? Only on certain parts of the body? Only with a certain kind of emotional energy between partners? The more you can be clear about what you might like to receive—and the more you can avoid alienating potential writers—the happier all involved will be.

A Simple "No Thanks" Will Do

It is totally okay to have squicks, or triggers, or kinks that just don't do it for you, or other things that, for whatever reason, you'd prefer your assigned writer not write for you. It is also okay to express not wanting those things in your request letter. But being mindful of how you make that request makes a huge difference. A brusque "no D/s" (to use a personal example) particularly when being into D/s is already marginalized, is way harder to read than "D/s is not really my cup of tea." [Thanks to the conversation here, my thinking on the previous line has changed; please see the update below and many of the comments for a fuller discussion of how and why.] And a "no" phrased in a way that's explicitly meant to imply that there's something wrong with reading or writing or being into D/s just really, really sucks. This is fandom—if we can't celebrate, or at least respect, each other's strange and wonderful joys and attachments here, where the hell can we?

There's also no need to justify why you aren't into something, the same way there's no need to justify what you are into. I'm fine hearing that a kink I'm into isn't for you, but I don't want to hear that something that's core to how I do intimacy creeps you out or bothers you or makes you think of something unpleasant. A simple "no thanks" is all your writer needs. The point is to express that a given kink isn't a good fit for you, not that it is a gross thing no one should write about.

I can't believe it's Yuletide season again. I'm excited, and I hope these suggestions will help make Yuletide an even happier place. Do you have any other suggestions for writers who want to decline kinky content respectfully? Feel free to leave them in comments.

[Edited slightly for clarity 9/24/14. See comments for details.]



**Update, 9/30/14**

I want to thank everyone who has commented here. This has been an incredibly lively and constructive conversation, and I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to share their thoughts.

I wanted to share some of the ways my thinking has changed as a result of the conversation here. A lot of the response to the post has centered around the line A brusque "no D/s" (to use a personal example) particularly when being into D/s is already marginalized, is way harder to read than "D/s is not really my cup of tea." Having had a few days to think about that line and the responses to it, I've come to understand that two things were wrong: first, my wording wasn't clear, and second, my thinking wasn't clear. (And, potentially, third, my relative newness to fandom meant that some of the things that were obvious to most commenters here about fic exchanges were not obvious to me.)

What I wanted to ask people writing Yuletide letters to do was to say no to stigmatized things politely and kindly. What I think I ended up communicating was that the only good no was an equivocal no.

A couple things have become clear to me in this conversation that hadn't been before. The biggest one is that "No x" and "x is not my cup of tea" are not functionally equivalent. I had, perhaps naively, assumed that any writer who saw their recipient didn't like something would not write that thing for them. But I am hearing here that that is not the case, and perhaps more importantly, that a letter writer who wrote "x is not my cup of tea" rather than "no x" might feel less confident that their wish would be respected.

I want to thank the many commenters who have framed this as a boundary or a consent issue. I don't want people to come away from this post feeling that there is no okay way to say a firm no to unwanted content, and I apologize to those of you who have come away with that feeling.

Here is what I will say now: Personally, I don't like reading "No x" or a list that begins "No x, y, z." To my ear, that phrasing both sounds like a rude way to talk to someone who is considering giving you a gift and also resonates unpleasantly with real-world exclusion. But, that is a far from universal view. I am hearing from many people here that a "No x" or a list of "No"s reads as neutral to them, and that the long history of using DNW or "do not want" lists in fests makes a "no" in that context already an I-statement.

I think I'll always prefer to read something like one of the following (many of these from comments):

• Please, no:
• I absolutely don't want:
• I will not be able to enjoy any fic that contains:
• Please don't write me:
• Squicks/triggers/dislikes:

It is my firm belief that a writer seeing any of these phrases should not write these things for you. But if for any reason, these phrases or something like them don't feel sufficient for expressing your boundaries, then please use whatever phrasing does.

Thank you again to everyone who has participated in this discussion.