Real Christmas is all shorts and lounging on a beach. Why celebrate the best of the years' holidays in winter? I never understand Americans. Or why this Barge likes Americans so much.

Sweaters for Christmas is really weird.

[ To the Admiral ]

I don't really like you.

But - I'd like to get some things. I think. I'm not sure if I'm doing this right.

Riddick should have some really nice spices - fresh ones, Australian ones. And he should be able to try the kind of bananas they sell in Australia. They have a lot more flavor than the ones we have here. I don't know why anyone likes them, they're really bland.

Arkin - he should get a little voodoo doll of the man that hurt him. Or a punching bag with his face on it. Or both.

Kara, I don't know. She seems really nice, but - well, nevermind.

Iris already has everything, she'll be all right. Some treats for the dogs, maybe.

Aeryn can have some nice warm socks. Maybe if there's some really interesting fighting style that people on Earth do - like those Brazilian men with the staffs? Or something - she can get a book on it.

Nathan - a stupid knit hat. With long dangly things by the ears and a big fluffy ball on top. Maybe with a lobster on it; Maine does lobsters, doesn't it?

Bush I think a little flask of rum - he does like his grog, doesn't he? - with a ship on it. His ship, if you can.

Bond - nevermind, I'll put sheep poo outside his door myself.

Bea - oh, I don't know, get her some mugs that say she's a good mum or joke about it or something.

Peter... he likes science, doesn't he? Maybe a book about sheep.

Give Loki a little girl's diary, pink and everything, with a heart-shaped lock.

The one with the spiky eyes - I think little soft tips for the pointy side of the spikes and some googly eyes for the flat tips. Maybe a little bell so he stops sneaking around.

Door can have a plain, seamless, unbreakable box, titanium or something, that only she can open.

Oh, and that guy Hannibal. I think he should get a tablecloth with big embroidered organs on it. And the organs should sing, like those stuffed animals that make noise when you squeeze them. What songs they do is up to you.