I"m a coward. And a monster.

My family life sucked pretty bad. My mother was a negligent alcoholic and my dad was an abusive one. The only person worth a crap in my family was my little brother and I didn't give him half the attention or care I should have. I only had one friend, but I was never really a friend to him and when the time came? I willingly betrayed him.

At the age of twelve I've been a cult high priest and a financial adviser and the servant to an insane world eater. I've kidnapped, attempted murder, committed fraud, and disrupted time itself several times for my own amusement. Each time I'd gotten the chance to make everything I had done right I fled and kept doing what I had been doing like a little coward. And when I didn't have anywhere on the planet to flee I fled into time and hid for four hundred years just messing around like a jerkwad.

...It's not my story to tell. But once I leave here...maybe you know a kid named Lucas. And if you're wondering - and I don't know the full details myself - I'm the person who's going to end up ruining his life in the future.

It made me angry for a while, after I realized what I really was, that he never warned the town about me. Never just told about me. Because it would've made staying here so much easier if I was just hated by several people again instead of having to change. Instead of having to care about people.

But I can't stop caring. And I can't stop loving. Because in the end, what Lucas has to say about love is right. And I was wrong. And I guess for a while I hated myself when I first realized it. ....I don't think I hate myself anymore. But I don't think I can forgive myself for what I've done or what I'm going to do.

I don't want to leave this place. Even if it keeps taking all the people I care about, that I've learned to love, I don't want to leave this place. I don't want to go back to maybe forgetting I'd been here and become even more of a monster. I may have been a lot of things, and I may have become a lot of things during the two years here, but I know in the end I'll always fundamentally be a coward and a monster no matter what I do.

Sometimes I hate that I know that now. And sometimes I think it's right.

I can't leave here. And if this place just self destructs while everyone else leaves I'm staying. I can't change things for the Lucas who has been here but maybe I can for a different timeline one who'll never have to deal with me. And it's not that I like the nerd or anything - I guess I have to thank him for proving me wrong and showing me what I was doing - ...but I guess I care now. I don't want to hurt anyone. And I'll keep from hurting anyone no matter what I have to do.

....It hurts sometimes when my best friend thinks he's a monster. I mean, technically yeah I guess he is. But there's a difference between a monster and a monster, between being born a monster and just acting like a monster for no reason. And I think he's the former more than the latter.

Uh. If that makes any sense.