No, no, no!

[ The feed turns on mid-shake. For a few moments, it’s just Adam waaay too close to the radio — golden eyes blazing, halo flickering erratically like bad Wi-Fi. Summoning a small reflective portal that, if you are looking towards his vehicle, you'll be able to see the projection on the side of the bus like a tv screen. ]

...Is this thing on?

[ He pulls back abruptly, revealing plush leather seats, LED strips lining the ceiling, and tinted windows showing the skyline rolling past outside.

A tour bus.

A. Tour. Bus.

Adam drags a hand down his face. ]

Okay. Shit. Hi. Hello. First Man, here. Head Exorcist. Commander of Heaven’s most elite fuckin strike force. You may know me from such hits as ‘Annual Extermination’ and ‘Wrath of God: Live in Hell.’

[ He gestures vaguely upward, before he leans toward the camera again. ]

Minor development. Um, I died!?. Which — sidebar — was not supposed to happen to me. I’m Adam. Thee fuckin man. I’m the template. I’m the original DLC.

[ His halo sparks weakly at that... Snaping his fingers to find the usual light he can project, isn't quite as strong, or divine... ]

... You've got to be fuckin kidding me! Are my fuckin powers glitching!?

[ He snaps again. A sad, sad little puff of light flickers and dies. Adam stares at it, they eyes of his mask clearly twitching out of frustration. ]

Oh, that’s cute. That’s fuckin adorable. Who nerfed me? Which bitch thought that was funny?! Oh~ I know~ ‘Let’s take the most powerful angel in existence and put him on spectator mode.’ Ha fuckin ha...Hilarious. Gold star even.

[ He stands, nearly hitting his head on the ceiling, considering he's what? ten feet tall? ]

And why the fuck am I in a tour bus? I mean, I get it, I fuckin rock, bruh, but seriously?

[ Adam spins the camera around dramatically. Mini fridge. LED display. Velvet curtains. ]

Do you see this shit? This is not a prison. This is not a battlefield. This is a musician’s midlife crisis on fuckin wheels. Whose idea was this? Did Heaven file me incorrectly or some shit? Did Hell go, ‘You know what would really humble him? Fuckin interior decorating.’...

[ Outside the window, the unfamilar scenery flash by. Adam freezes. Summoning a golden apparition of an Excorsist to drive the bus while he has a meltdown... ] ...Oh. [ Loooong pause. ]

Oh, you have got to be fuckin kidding me.

[ He marches down the aisle as the bus rumbles forward. ]

No. No no no. I do not wake up dead — which is already offensive — and immediately get road-tripped through some shithole like I’m on some fuckin redemption tour! I don’t do redemption arcs, bitch!

[ He stops, points at the camera then after a beat; ]

I fuckin end them!

[ Summon his wings out of frustration — there’s a sharp flare of light — and then they sputter into existence, not smaller, just slightly translucent, almost tearing through the sides of the bus. Adam looks over his shoulder, grunting. He flexes them experimentally. They twitch. Weaker than usual. His expression goes from disbelief to incandescent rage in about half a second. ]

...Why the fuck is this thing so compact!? Oh, this shit is fuckin sabotage! [ He storms back to the camera, squints at the screen like he can glare through dimensions. ]

For the record? I am not impressed. I am not fuckin humbled. I am not learning a fuckin lesson. I am temporarily inconvenienced, bruh! If anyone from Heaven is watching this — fix this shit. Now! Patch the fuckin update, dude! Roll back the nerf! I don’t care what paperwork got lost. Just fuckin fix this shit!

[ The bus hits a bump. He stumbles slightly, and Adam catches himself — barely. A flicker of something crosses his face. Confusion. Disorientation. He masks it instantly, straightening up and brushing invisible dust off his robes. ]

...Okay. New plan! If I’m stuck in this new fuckin Hell? Fine! Field trip! I’ll figure out who authorised this cosmic joke, I’ll get my full power back, and then I’ll personally remind this entire fuckin plane why my name used to make cities shake!!

[ A slow, sharp grin spreads across his face. Adam leans closer to the lens, eyes blazing gold. ]

And if I have to conquer it again to make that point? Guess we’re going back on fuckin tour then, huh?

[ The halo flickers harder as the feed fades out. ]


[ ooc: Adam is struggling with his arrival here. He comes with some trigger warnings, which are labelled in his journal if you want to take a look! Also, happy to plot or assume Adam was spotted around during this month's event! ]