microbie

you couldn't have known the words would stay entangled in my memory. you tried for so long to rescue me, a bittersweet act of heroism. we were both sinking, weren't we? and the struggles, they only made us drown faster. well, now i just want to rest. no more soothing mantras, no more siren's songs. i don't want to be comforted, nor is there any reason to pity me. i've gotten used to this body- the aching teeth, the tensed shoulders, clenched fists. let me lie down with the pharaohs with a scarab to protect my heart. forgive me for all the terrible things i said. i wish i could take them back, burn them on a pyre, make them vanish. for you and for me. or maybe i just wish i could burn my guilt and make it disappear. of course i feel guilty- i should never have offered more than i could give. i wanted to be a healer; my mother is a nurse, you know. she was selective though- she only healed if she wanted to. i would have liked to heal everyone, naive as that sounds. i tried to heal you, and you tried to heal me. we both failed. mutual failure, mutual forgiveness? but like the old song, who grants absolution for sins that never were committed? thoughts mistaken for memories, indeed.