microbie

I feel that any subject I try to write on just turns to trivial mush with my clumsy treatment. I wanted to write about LiveJournal and how much my friends list has changed in the eighteen months or so that I've had my LJ. And I wanted to say that I miss the "old" LJ writers even though I enjoy the new ones. I wonder, why is it that I still write in mine while most others have left theirs? Am I missing something?
And I keep thinking about the science versus technology post that I meant to write. I think I have a real phobia about sounding very intelligent about anything. My parents hated having a smart kid, and they'd always warn me that no one likes smart people. I try to remember that now I don't force anyone to listen to me; no one has to read my LiveJournal or make comments on the entries.
A couple of weeks ago I dragged out my senior yearbook, in anticipation of the class reunion in October. A similar comment was found in many different people's autographs- "you're funny even though you always make fun of me." I hate being reminded that I was an obnoxious kid, although nowadays I can at least see that I was just imitating my family like any kid does. My dad was always one to trade insults, and of course he'd be the first to lose his temper and smack someone when he felt it got out of control. I guess my mother was raised the same way; she told me once that her own mother never said nice things about her. In that sense my mom was an improvement. Her comments were more like, "you're really an okay kid, but...."
And in yesterday's NY Times Magazine there was an article about the survivors and surviving families of a plane crash twenty years ago. One man who was a boy when his father died in the crash took his daughter to his father's grave. She commented, "he's been dead longer than you knew him alive." That's the kind of comment that makes me think I could never be good with children. It made me sad and angry at the same time. There will come a time when my dad will have been dead longer than I knew him alive, and I don't want someone there, pointing it out to me.