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Jun. 19th, 2007 10:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
microbieI've been dreading the upcoming trip to San Antonio because I don't enjoy spending a lot of time with my mom. I even thought this would be the year I didn't visit my hometown at all, but then my friend of 25 years announced her wedding and that was the end of the hometown ban.
So there is the wedding, and then my friend of 20 years will celebrate her first child's first birthday just a couple days after the wedding. I still feel guilty about missing the birth, so I decided to stay longer than usual, five days, and celebrate both occasions.
Now that the trip is only a couple weeks away, the stress of my unhealthy relationship with my mom has been sucking the anticipation out of me. The past two or three times I've stayed with my folks, I've had migraines the entire time. I thought about reducing the stress by staying with friends or at a hotel, but my mom flipped her shit when I mentioned wanting to rent a car (heaven forbid I go where I want when I want) so I decided to drop the lodging issue for the moment.
Y'know, I think I'd feel slightly better about my mom treating me like a child if she'd actually been a competent mother during my childhood. Instead I'm reminded of how much life sucked when I did have to depend on my parents.
Karma (and I do believe in karma, just about the only superstition I indulge in) has intervened. My mom's cousin, the cousin's husband, and their daughter are coming to visit the day after I arrive, and they'll be there a whole week. There's room for everybody but not for everybody to have a separate room, so my mom called with the dilemma. I seized my chance and volunteered to stay with Andrea. As expected, my mom had a minor meltdown and attempted persuasion (then orders, then threats, and lastly guilt) to get me to stay with them. I really wanted to say, "look, I didn't want to stay with you anyway, and now I have the perfect excuse," but I managed to keep it to "I'd feel more comfortable staying with Andrea than with you," which was still really hard. She was sobbing by then.
I feel mostly relieved at this turn of events. Perhaps now I'll be able to be enthusiastic about this trip. I feel sorry for my mom, but then I also think she is reaping what she sowed. I'm visiting San Antonio to celebrate the lives of the people who supported me when she didn't. I'm not going to be a complete bitch to her or avoid her the entire time I'm there; I just want to be able to have some distance. I think the constant migraines of the past couple trips are pretty good indications that I need separation.
So there is the wedding, and then my friend of 20 years will celebrate her first child's first birthday just a couple days after the wedding. I still feel guilty about missing the birth, so I decided to stay longer than usual, five days, and celebrate both occasions.
Now that the trip is only a couple weeks away, the stress of my unhealthy relationship with my mom has been sucking the anticipation out of me. The past two or three times I've stayed with my folks, I've had migraines the entire time. I thought about reducing the stress by staying with friends or at a hotel, but my mom flipped her shit when I mentioned wanting to rent a car (heaven forbid I go where I want when I want) so I decided to drop the lodging issue for the moment.
Y'know, I think I'd feel slightly better about my mom treating me like a child if she'd actually been a competent mother during my childhood. Instead I'm reminded of how much life sucked when I did have to depend on my parents.
Karma (and I do believe in karma, just about the only superstition I indulge in) has intervened. My mom's cousin, the cousin's husband, and their daughter are coming to visit the day after I arrive, and they'll be there a whole week. There's room for everybody but not for everybody to have a separate room, so my mom called with the dilemma. I seized my chance and volunteered to stay with Andrea. As expected, my mom had a minor meltdown and attempted persuasion (then orders, then threats, and lastly guilt) to get me to stay with them. I really wanted to say, "look, I didn't want to stay with you anyway, and now I have the perfect excuse," but I managed to keep it to "I'd feel more comfortable staying with Andrea than with you," which was still really hard. She was sobbing by then.
I feel mostly relieved at this turn of events. Perhaps now I'll be able to be enthusiastic about this trip. I feel sorry for my mom, but then I also think she is reaping what she sowed. I'm visiting San Antonio to celebrate the lives of the people who supported me when she didn't. I'm not going to be a complete bitch to her or avoid her the entire time I'm there; I just want to be able to have some distance. I think the constant migraines of the past couple trips are pretty good indications that I need separation.
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Date: 2007-06-20 03:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-20 03:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-20 03:51 am (UTC)I think it would be fun to stay in the hill country or in a bed n breakfast 2 towns over, and then drive into SA to visit relatives.
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Date: 2007-06-20 01:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-20 01:41 pm (UTC)She does realize you're an adult and she can't "let" or "not let" you do anything... right?
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Date: 2007-06-20 02:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-20 02:55 pm (UTC)Where in SA do they live? When I was at Trinity, I lived for a year in Lincoln Village on Jackson Keller Rd. It was right by an HEB and fantastic little hole-in-the wall mexican AND middle eastern restaurants! The other year I lived over by the Quarry in Sterling Heights - much better shopping :)
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Date: 2007-06-20 03:35 pm (UTC)My folks actually live in Helotes, which is way the hell out of town (outside even Loop 1604). I grew up on the northeast side of town, near where IH 35 starts to head for Austin. Sadly I'm not that familiar with the older parts of town that are near downtown. We went to the zoo, the occasional concert or Shakespeare in the park at the sunken gardens, and the McNay museum and that was about it. My friend Kim (the one with the upcoming wedding) says there are a lot of good thrift stores in that area. Maybe I'll have time to explore...
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Date: 2007-06-20 12:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-20 02:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-20 04:31 pm (UTC)Your mother sounds beyond imagining.
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Date: 2007-06-20 05:48 pm (UTC)The weirdest part was that my mom kept saying to me that she didn't mind asking her cousin to stay in a hotel yet she hadn't actually asked. It was like she was calling me to have an excuse to inconvenience the cousin. I think my response caught her off guard.
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Date: 2007-06-20 07:09 pm (UTC)She DOES think she knows what's best for you in all circumstances...she's supposed to - it's in TRTTD manual that a mother always looks out for her children, always "knows best." Let you visit without giving you a room to stay in!? That's definitely not TRTTD!
But: being a good hostess to her cousin ALSO entails a number of TRTTD requirements - and so the catch-22 here is that NOT doing TRTTD means someone (read: her conscience) might have room to call her a bad mother.
Of course, it applies to us as daughters, too. I think TRTTD as it applies to us means that we're supposed to fit into that same nuclear-family everything-is-fine don't-look-past-the-surface paradigm. Make our own decisions?! Never! We're to defer to our elders! We're supposed to respect (read: worship) our mothers as saints and want to be just. like. them. Anything less means we don't think they're good enough - which is cause for serious emotional meltdowns - they've FAILED! Gahhhh!
Damn frustrating to deal with this when, if yours is like mine, they ALSO taught us women's lib and how we're just as good as men and how to make our own way in the world. I got a serious mixed-message about TRTTD, myself.
Anyway - if she's like my mother, and you can convince her that it's not 1958 anymore, you might have a shot at preserving her self-esteem (which is, actually, to your advantage, because then she doesn't have wild breakdowns in front of you) while still making your own plans.
But it's definitely an uphill battle.
You have my definite sympathy - and I hope that she doesn't meltdown again while you're there. With any luck, TRTTD will keep her from making a scene in front of others. ;)
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Date: 2007-06-20 07:35 pm (UTC)But: being a good hostess to her cousin ALSO entails a number of TRTTD requirements - and so the catch-22 here is that NOT doing TRTTD means someone (read: her conscience) might have room to call her a bad mother.
Which I think is why she called me before calling the cousin back. She wanted me to confirm that putting relatives in a hotel is TRTTD in this situation.
And yes, I'm counting on the presence of others to keep her from complaining about me staying with Andrea.
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Date: 2007-06-20 07:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-20 08:20 pm (UTC)I can guarantee you, though, that even if you do what she wants, this is not the time that she will turn into the mother you need her to be.
This is all my projection, of course, based on my shit with my mom. If it doesn't apply, feel free to ignore and also to call me an asshole.
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Date: 2007-06-20 08:38 pm (UTC)Anyway, thank you for understanding.
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Date: 2007-06-20 08:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-20 08:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-20 08:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-20 09:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-21 02:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-21 01:57 pm (UTC)Also, my mom's husband tried to pull the who-knows-how-long-we'll-be-around bullshit too.
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Date: 2007-06-21 09:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-22 01:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-21 04:10 am (UTC)My guess is that her weird reactions are produced by guilt. She needs constant affirmation from you that she wasn't as bad a mother as she secretly knows she was. And if things didn't turn out right it was your fault and not hers - etc.
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Date: 2007-06-21 02:10 pm (UTC)When I was doing my taxes I had to add up my medical expenses, and I realized that I spent roughly the same amount on therapy as I did on my Sydney trip. A very depressing realization.