Porn Battle

Ingredients:

chocolate ganache left over from the fondue at that catering gig you worked three weeks ago
most of a can of canned pumpkin left over from when you thought you'd try mixing some into your chai
the caramel sauce you ended up with when you tried to make homemade Scotchmallows the other day and failed
1 stick of butter, unsalted
some flour, about a cup and a half
brown sugar, about a cup
oats, a handful
pumpkin pie spices, whatever you have
something like 1 tsp baking soda, because who even fucking knows about leavening
an egg, for good measure
also, some salt

Directions:

The pie plate is too big for the amount of pumpkin you have. And these tart pans are too small. Two of them? Nah, too much work. Where's that set of casserole dishes you got for your college apartment and then never used again because you moved back home five years ago and haven't left? There's a nice 1.5 qt dish that should be perfect.

In your favorite small mixing bowl, dump the flour, brown sugar, and a pinch of salt. Shit, there's no unsalted butter that isn't frozen. Well, it doesn't matter, you can use salted butter. No you can't, you already added the salt. Fuck. Get a frozen stick of unsalted butter and put it in the microwave for ten second intervals until you just don't care anymore.

Preheat the oven. It's set to 350 degrees anyway so go with that. I like the convection setting. It cooks faster.

Cut the now just-barely defrosted butter into chunks and work it into the flour and brown sugar mixture with a pastry cutter. Or a knife and fork, if you don't have a pastry cutter. Or a food processor, if you're a fucking wimp. Mix in the oats.

Press the resulting mixture into the bottom and sides of the casserole dish. Realize you used way too much flour for the amount of sugar and butter. Separate out the chunks of butter from the loose flour by sifting with your fingers. Curse yourself for never learning. Examine the casserole dish. Sprinkle in some more of the mixture, just in case. Put the casserole dish in the oven to blind bake for ten minutes.

The chocolate ganache has been in a container in the back of your fridge for three weeks, so set up a double boiler to melt it. Ideally, you'd like it to be liquid enough to pour into the bottom of the crust, but not so hot that it causes problems with the pumpkin layer you'll be putting on top.

Dump the canned pumpkin into a bowl. Stare at it while thinking. Add some sugar. Don't add any sugar. It comes out too sweet. Add some pumpkin pie spices. Ginger, cinnamon, ground cloves, nutmeg. That stuff. About a teaspoon of each, but who really cares? Add spices until it smells like pumpkin pie to you.

It seems too liquidy. You want distinct layers. Spot the bowl of leftover flour/butter/sugar/oats mixture.

( Read more... )