Fill: A cantaloupe by its very nature is incapable of verbal communication
Welcome to Night Vale Cecil/Carlos

Hypothetically a cantaloupe, by its very nature, is incapable of verbal communication.

For the majority of his life, up until a year ago when he arrived in Night Vale, Carlos would have been 100% certain, had anyone asked, that any cantaloupe he purchased would consist of a thin outer rind over sweet orange flesh with seeds in the middle and a variable degree of ripeness. This was a truth that he had never questioned; he definitely would never have expected to have a conversation with one.

The cantaloupe he had purchased less than an hour ago at the Ralph’s, however, proved to be unexpectedly chatty.

He was considering x-raying it. He was considering testing the coffee for hallucinogenic substances, again. He was considering calling Cecil. He hesitated, Cecil would have the answer. Sweet mad Cecil always had the answer and it never ever made any sense at all. It would be ‘all cantaloupes talk during the second week of July’ or ‘The City Council says that produce doesn’t exist on Tuesdays’ in that rich, fond, so very reasonable voice that never failed to make him feel a little better about being so terribly confused all the time.

He decided to ask the cantaloupe.
“Should I call Cecil?”

The cantaloupes voice was thin and shallow but not unpleasant.
“On the radio” it said.

Carlos nodded, if he called now Cecil would talk about him on air. He hoped that his complexion hid his blush but judging from the cantaloupes watery giggle it didn’t.

“How about after the show.” Carlos turned up the radio where the weekly broadcast of 100 bees in a mailbox was just ending.

The news was, as ever, a mind-bending mix of the bizarrely mundane and the completely insane and he and the cantaloupe listened together. With its mouth closed the cantaloupe looked like a cantaloupe; no eyes, no ears, no way to tell that it would spontaneously open its mouth and start a conversation. With its mouth open it looked like pack man, very disconcerting. It seemed to be listening intently to Cecil, going so far as to do a little wiggling dance during the weather and Carlos thought perhaps this wouldn’t end in flamethrowers and tears the way that thing with the oranges had.

Carlos turned the radio down after Cecil signed off and called him.

“Carlos” Cecil answered sounding surprised and happy, no matter how many times Carlos called, Cecil always sounded surprised and happy to talk to him.

“Hi, Cecil, good show tonight.” he said, to make Cecil smile, to make his voice jump half an octave when he replied

“You really thought so? Thanks” Cecil said.

“I have a question about talking cantaloupes.” Carlos said, not actually asking a question about talking cantaloupes because none of the questions he knew would get him the answer he needed.

“It’s a little bit early in the season for them.” Cecil said, sounding unconcerned, “They make good pets, we had one when I was a kid.”

“I have one in the lab” Carlos looked over at it, where it still sat on the table, maybe smiling at him.

“You got a pet for the lab, that’s great. Pets are good for morale, I know that when I’m having a down day I can just go pet Khoshekh and feel much better.”

“What do I do for it?” Carlos asked because apparently talking cantaloupes were pets.

“Just get a box with some old towels for it to nest in and feed it once a day and it’ll be perfectly happy in the lab” Cecil said.

“What do I feed a cantaloupe?” Carlos asked.

“Hungry, Nom Nom Nom.” the cantaloupe chimed in.

“Ours used to like a tablespoon of honey mixed into a cup of warm chicken blood, but really they’ll eat anything, what are you going to name it?” Cecil said.

“I don’t know. I’m not really good with naming things.” Carlos said and then thought for a moment. “Why don’t you stop by the lab on your way home from the station and help me think of something?” Carlos would be happy calling it cantaloupe which was maybe not the most creative name but one that was both accurate and descriptive but Cecil would like naming it.

“Ok Carlos, I’d like that, I’ll be there soon”

Carlos hung up the phone and looked for something to feed to the cantaloupe. He came up with yesterday’s leftover pizza.

“Do you want some veggie pizza, its gluten free.”

“Yummy, pizza!” The cantaloupe agreed.

Carlos sat the open box down in front of the cantaloupe on the table and then took a half a step back when a long pale orange tongue snaked out of the cantaloupes mouth to curl around a piece of the pizza bringing it back to devour whole with a wet chomp. But then it giggled happily to its’ self and Carlos relaxed, sat down, kicked his feet up onto the table and waited for Cecil to come name his talking cantaloupe. Only in Night Vale.