Randominity

The other day I was going through my pictures folder and came across a picture of an unidentified woman in hijab (I've been known to collect such pictures from time to time). And I felt this pang, as I often do, when I see expressions of Muslim piety. It's as though I want to return to.... what? I don't know. I never was one for regular prayer - I never even did it often enough or regularly enough to memorize all of the portions making up a rakat of prayer. I never was much for the rules, opting to eat vegetarian rather than halal, politely finishing off the wine coolers my father bought me because he didn't understand why I didn't want them anymore. I never seriously intended to marry another Muslim, raise Muslim children, and I couldn't imagine being a part of any Muslim community, being the type of person I am.

So... what? What am I longing for? I wish I could just pinpoint what the hell it is that I need, what hole needs plugging up in my spirit, and find something and be satisfied with it. It's just so frustrating. If there are no rules I don't do anything because I'm not good about doing voluntary ritual. But too many rules and I won't do them, either. The liberal religions and denominations are too free-form for me, and the conservative/traditional religions are too patriarchal!

I just hate the thought that I'm going to go through life never really being happy in this area in my life. Blah.