randominstance

so I’m working real hard to banish the cop in my brain, and I think I’m pretty good on that at this point, in all sincerity. I don’t have the will, energy, time or patience to bother with policing others; I have my own problems that need much more thought and attention, and I don’t understand why others can’t take a live and let live attitude equally. I am not compelled by any faith structure to proseltyze or try to convert (unless it’s a tv show I like lol). I’m not down for arguing with anyone over their beliefs; if it’s not in alignment with mine I block or scroll past.

What I did not expect and am currently having trouble with is the capitalist in my brain that swooped in - partially fueled by a lifetime of hearing my mother lecture me that ‘the money is there, you just have to find a way to interest people to get it’ (note: she has not achieved this in the entire time I’ve known her either)

I’m so tired of hearing this narrative inside myself. Feeling like 'if I can’t make something that can make a profit, it’s not worth even trying’. This is especially frustrating right now as I am feeling myself wanting very much to transition away from my current employment and find some other way to support myself - something more sustainable, more fitting of my values and less exhausting. So I think: well, writing. It’s about the only skill I have that could be marketable in even the vaguest sense. I’m 50: nobody is going to want me in their office soon, if they don’t now.

But the fact is writing doesn’t make money. Go ask the published authors on here how hard they have to struggle still - even the name brand authors.

I used to write fanfic. I gave that up for various reasons, including some trauma. But fanfic was the only thing I wrote that people ever cared about. So the capitalist in my head is like: you’re Old and you’re going to STARVE if you don’t start PRODUCING and make it VALUABLE CONTENT.

It’s so, so fucking frustrating. And it’s wrecking me as a person. the fear is there, it’s real, and it hurts.