savevoid | the harder I try, the harder it gets to remember

Entry tags:

the harder I try, the harder it gets to remember

CHARACTERS: Barnaby Brooks Jr. (

nearsighted) and Kaede Kaburagi (

tigerscub)
DATE: 02/07 (Week 14, day two)
RATING: PG-13 at worst
SUMMARY: After a long week full of misunderstandings, Kaede and Barnaby finally have a chance to talk and smooth everything over.

[ If he was honest with himself, Barnaby wasn't feeling like doing much of anything. There was very little that he could do about his ribs, though he'd done his best to minimise participating in anything that may jar them further. Unfortunately, between those and the bruises he'd sustained, just about everything made him feel worse. Given the circumstances that they were in, he knew that he couldn't afford to dwell on it.

But given that he had little else to do at present, it was either that or dwell on the circumstances in which he'd sustained them, and that was something which was much more difficult for Barnaby to acknowledge.

However, it needed to be done eventually. If he didn't confront the issue, it would only serve to make relations between himself and Kaede more strained, and he couldn't afford to let that happen. Which meant that not too long after he'd awoken on the second day of his stay in the hotel, he made his way to the room in which they'd left Kaede to recover. There was no denying that he was hesitant about it, but he couldn't afford to show such an unsure face to her, and so he braved himself for it as he knocked on her door. ]

Kaede? It's Barnaby. May I come in?

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[From the other side of the door, there's a long silence, before there's a quiet 'yeah' from inside. When Barnaby comes in, he'll find Kaede curled up in bed, a pillow in her arms as held it tight. The room is dark, but not completely dark, because she couldn't sleep right now in total darkness. However, her headache makes her want to lay there in the darkness or sleep.

She knows it's from the lump on her skull, but there's not much they can do about it right now. She doesn't want to sleep, because as soon as she does, she sees everything she did out in the cornfield.

Is it any surprise that her first words to Barnaby are a very quiet-]

I'm so sorry.

[ While he knows what it is that she intends to apologise for, Barnaby immediately finds himself shaking his head. Before he speaks, he makes sure to close the door firmly behind him so that they're not disturbed. He doesn't intend to let anyone else know about what happened out there; there's no need for her to suffer further because of something that was out of her control.

But he knows that she will still blame herself on some level. She's a Kaburagi, after all. But these are words which need to be said regardless. ]

It isn't your fault, Kaede. I don't hold it against you.

[Would anyone not blame themselves for what happened out in the cornfield? For the terrible things she did? Kaede watches Barnaby as he shuts the door behind him, wanting to bury her face into the pillow and cry all over again. Barnaby's spent the last week so mad at her because she had spoken to Professor Xavier about removing her memory, then said stupid things that hurt him when Barnaby had come to talk to her. Other than the search for Mako, they hadn't even spoken since.

So why has he come in here, now?]

I hurt so many people... I got North killed! I attacked you and others... [No, there is no stopping the tears that fall. She's too heart-broken, her head hurts too much, and now Barnaby is seeing it all.]

[ The first thought that occurs to him is North was killed? It sends a chill through him to think of what must have happened, and how deeply that would be affecting Kaede now. It was no wonder she was so upset. Considering that and everything else that had happened to her, it had taken a significant toll, and he wished that there was more he could do. Right now, it didn't seem as though there was much at all, and so for now he simply tried his best to soothe some of her fears. ]

It wasn't your fault. No one will hold it against you. If we are to point the finger at anyone, it should be COMPASS.

It was my fault! [Her voice is sharp and she buries her face against the pillow. All over again comes the deep ache in her gut that makes her want to sob.]

It's because of me he got chased into the middle of the field and- [She can't help but remember what comes next and it makes her gag, low in her throat, until she curls up more on herself.]

I would have killed you if I could. [It's a muffled voice, scared, so scared. She had spent most of her time awake curled up against Ivan crying where she thought no one else could see her.]

[ There's no way that he can continue to try and tell her that it's alright when she's responding to him like that. Barnaby hesitates for a moment before approaching her, and going to sit next to her on the edge of the bed. There may not be a lot that he can do to help, but he can't let her continue to suffer like this. It's too cruel. ]

It wasn't your fault. No one will blame you. And you needn't worry about me.

[ If "fine" meant broken ribs, then yes he was, but he was trying to play it down for her sake. ]

[Kaede lifts her head out of the pillow and looks up at Barnaby. Her eyes are red rimmed and raw, scared and angry and upset.]

What if I blame myself? Heroes... they're supposed to be good and the bad guys are the ones that hurt people. Heroes are supposed to stop people like me.

[Her eyes drop, looking down at her hands.] I couldn't have hurt all those people if I didn't have this stupid power. A little girl can't hurt people.

By that definition, Kaede, then I would have been a bad person when I attacked your father when he was branded a murderer.

[ After Maverick had brainwashed him into thinking that Kotetsu had killed Samantha... It wasn't something that he liked to think very much about. And if Kotetsu hadn't been able to find the right thing to say to him in time, then there's a very real chance that he would have killed Kotetsu in return.

It's also something that Barnaby nearly managed to accomplish not too long afterwards, but he doesn't like to think very much about that. ]

We Heroes do our best to protect people, but sometimes things happen which are out of our control. The same is particularly true in Zelien. COMPASS have powers beyond our comprehension; there's only so much that we can do to protect ourselves against them.

[It's no small surprise that Kaede immediately wants to protest Barnaby's words, but she does manage to wrangle it back when she realizes the first thing she wants to say is, 'but it wasn't you!' She can remember the voice in the back of her head, the feeling like being a puppet and watching someone guide her by the strings.

Kaede sniffles, rubbing at her face with her sleeves. Someone had been kind enough to wash her things but the blood stains were soaked through and would never come out, but at least they weren't bright red anymore and just faded brown.]

...I still- it still feels like it's my fault. [But it's more questioning tone, more 'is there any way to make it stop?' She looks up to Barnaby and wonders if he's still mad about... everything. About last week, when he had been so angry with her that they didn't talk.]

It isn't an easy mindset to break away from, Kaede. But it is possible to, I promise you.

[ It had taken him a while to get over it after everything that had happened with Kotetsu, and he hoped the same didn't prove to be true for Kaede. She'd had a rough time of it lately already; adding this to her troubles was a cruel punishment.

After a brief moment's pause, he reached into the pocket of his pants, and produced a handkerchief for her to use. His clothing wasn't any better off, but thankfully it had only been from the store in Zelien. Perhaps they could find a place here in which to get some other clothing for the two of them; that may start to soothe her fears if she doesn't have a reminder of it everywhere. ]

[Kaede takes the kerchief with a whispered thank you, wiping her eyes and then her nose. It gets clenched tight in her fist as she takes a breath, swallows.]

I'll try to talk to them... When it's all done. We'll go back to Zelien at some point, right? Someone said this happened before but they were on a spaceship. ...Never thought I'd be grateful to go back to Zelien...

Yes, we will. How much time passes while we're here, I couldn't say, but last time we did indeed go back to Zelien. Such experiences remind us that Zelien is a far better place than some of the other places COMPASS could take it to.

[ Unfortunately, that's not exactly saying much, either. ]

[She rubs her eyes again and sighs, wanting to reach over and bury her face against him. There's something that always feels good when she does that, because she knows he's safe, that he cares about her- oh. Oh. She still needs to apologize...!]

Barnaby? I... I'm sorry, about ... that day in Professor Xavier's classroom. I know I said some stuff that made you upset and angry with me enough that we stopped talking... I really didn't mean to hurt you!

[ The apology surprises him, but for one main reason - she thought that he was angry? Upset yes, on some level, but he didn't want to hold it against her when she simply hadn't known. Barnaby took a moment to gather his thoughts, before shaking his head. ]

I wasn't angry with you. In fact, I thought that you were the one upset with me, and so I thought it best to give you your space after what had happened. I didn't mean to make you worry so.

You weren't angry...? [And now Kaede is just as surprised as she stares up at him. So they both thought the other was mad? Ug she spent the whole week thinking he was upset for no reason!]

I'm still sorry it hurt your feelings. If it helps... I figured out how to go to sleep without it bothering me that badly.

[Smart enough not to tell about her deal with Pitch. He just helped her out, that's no big deal.]

No, I wasn't. Were you worried that I was?

[ Suddenly, so much makes sense. Barnaby can't help but smile a little, able to find the humour in it. Both of them were worried about something that would never come to pass. As for her other piece of news, however, he seemed rather relieved at the revelation. ]

I'm glad that you've found something that will help you. Have you been sleeping well recently?

[ He won't ask what she did, but he's curious to know when it happened. ]

I was. [Kaede admits, sniffling but this time, just putting her head back down onto the pillow she's been cradling instead of burying her face.] Why wouldn't I worry? You weren't talking to me!

[But she doesn't sound angry or upset, just... more a little frustrated about the situation.]

I was sleeping better until... this. [Until she helped people get murdered and hurt them herself and then fought Barnaby.]

I thought that you didn't wish to speak with me, and therefore I didn't push the issue.

[ In other words, it was a case of them both misunderstanding, leading to them both avoiding one another. But at least it had been sorted now, right? ]

We will do whatever we can in order to help you.

I want to stop being a ... a weakness. [She doesn't know a better word, so that will do.]

That's what I feel like. I keep getting hurt! Maybe Dad's right, I just should stay inside...

[It's clear she isn't keen on that option though, her gaze dropping.]

You're not a liability, Kaede. You're simply in a difficult position, but it's nothing that we cannot work past together. Do you truly wish to stay trapped inside?

[ He really doesn't think that would help very much, and she'd end up going crazy too. It wasn't the ideal life for a young girl. ]

I don't want to be trapped inside. [A quiet grumble, shifting a little bit. Kaede slowly gets herself to sit up, putting her right beside Barnaby, staring down at the pillow in her arms.]

I hate this place. I want to go home. [But her second bit of grumbling is more just a frustrated sound, dropping her head onto the pillow. It's something she knows won't happen, Barnaby can't change, but everything has gone so very wrong.]

The four of us will find a way back home. I have faith in that.

[ But he makes no promises, because he knows that such promises are irresponsible in Zelien. After all, anything could happen; it's impossible to predict, and so he doesn't want to get her hopes up. But Barnaby does know that they're going to do whatever they can in order to try and make it back.

When she sits up, he carefully puts an arm around her, remembering that she found the gesture a comfort before. ]

[It takes all of her not to cry again when Barnaby puts his arm around her. Instead, Kaede turns her head and buries her face against him, leaning into him fully. She's so tired of all of this, completely unused to anything like this even in the vaguest sense. It feels like nothing is right in the world.

Except that Barnaby isn't mad at her, and he still believes in her. How could she not love him more than she already did? She might be mistaking the kind of love it is, on the tails of a puppy-crush and in reality something stronger, more solid, and perhaps a touch more appropriate, but since he's been something concrete she can hold onto, literally in this case, it's brought them closer together than she could have expected.]

Thank you. [Just a whisper, muffled.]

... Anytime, Kaede.

[ It doesn't surprise him very much anymore, just how easy it is to get along with his partner's daughter. Moments such as this remind Barnaby of what Charles had told him when this whole thing started, that if they weren't a family yet then they were very close to it. Which meant that moments such as this came rather easily, despite him not having very much experience.

If she somehow takes some comfort from his presence, he couldn't possibly complain about that. ]

[Kaede certainly does take comfort. It makes her a little bit happier, even when she's at her saddest or most afraid, she can trust in Barnaby's calm and collected manner and how he always seems to know how to say the right thing. He won't lie to her, she's certain, and he doesn't talk down to her like her father tends to.

It feels like Barnaby is the easiest to be around. She's still getting over the small little feelings of betrayal Ivan left behind.]

...I heard everyone talking. I want to find what's in this place and try and do something for the better. If there's stuff, maybe there's a way to take it back with us.

We were able to take a few items back with us last time this occurred, so I don't see why we couldn't again. Would you like to come with me?

[ Two sets of eyes had to be better than one, right? It wasn't intended as a means to keep an eye on her, though Barnaby did want to make sure that she wasn't alone at a time like this. It wasn't because she was incapable. ]

Anything is better than laying here feeling sorry.

[She slowly gets up, still a little achy, but she turns and looks at Barnaby with determination. Things might be wrong, horribly so, but she's going to push through them as much as she can.

It's better than giving in.]

[ Well - Barnaby hadn't exactly been expecting that they go now, but perhaps he shouldn't have been surprised, either. Kaede had likely been feeling rather miserable, stuck in here since they'd arrived. A chance to take a breather would do them some good. ]

Alright, then. Shall we go?

[ Though judging by the small smile, him asking is a mere formality at this point. ]

[She nods, and tries to straighten up her clothes a little bit. There's still a headache, and she doesn't dare touch where Barnaby had struck her as it's very tender, but anything is better than laying there. So she rubs her face, avoiding the bruise, and grabs her backpack that somehow she hasn't lost in all of this from off the floor. At least it isn't covered in blood, too.]

Please?

Alright.

[ There's no way that he could possibly deny her, especially when she's wearing an expression like that. Barnaby forces himself to sit up gingerly, trying to be mindful of his ribs all the while. That's easier said than done, but he doesn't so much as wince even once. ]

[Kaede knows Barnaby is hurt, but not fully how badly. While she remembers the fight, it feels almost like watching a movie more than having actually lived it. She looks up at him and gives a little nod, then snakes a hand down and takes his.]

I don't know what's out there but as long as it's useful.

[ If he's surprised at her making such contact with him, Barnaby doesn't show it. Instead his grip on her hand tightens slightly, and he motions towards the door to indicate that they should get moving. ]

There is always something useful to be found, it simply depends on how we end up needing to use it.

I suppose so, [just a murmur, thoughtful.

Still, as they leave, Barnaby would be able to notice Kaede is glancing around at anyone they go past but not really her normally determined self. She's scared she's going to run into one of the people she hurt; she still has no idea about people being able to return from the dead.

She's still haunted deeply by the fact she helped kill Santa Claus.]

[ It's definitely not something that escapes his notice, but Barnaby doesn't draw attention to it. Instead he stays by her side, trying to do his best to be a source of comfort. As much as someone like him can be one, anyway. His grip on her hand may tighten slightly, though. ]

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the harder I try, the harder it gets to remember

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